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Rory got back the following evening to find her mother sitting at the kitchen table, the atlas spread in front of her.
"What's this?" Lorelai asked. She was smiling but she sounded anxious. "Planning on going back to school to study Geography?"
"Mom –"
"This is what you bought yesterday?" Lorelai asked. "I didn't even know they made atlases anymore!"
Rory hesitated and Lorelai looked at her, lost.
"Honey, is there something you want to tell me? You didn't just get a burning desire to look at a map."
Rory sat down heavily next to her and Lorelai asked quietly,
"Are you planning on going away somewhere?"
"No – yes – I don't know. I thought maybe I'd do some travelling."
"Where did this come from?"
"Doctor Moran suggested it."
"Doctor Moran?" Lorelai exclaimed. "She told you it would be smart to pack a suitcase and just jump on a plane?"
"Not like that," Rory protested. She could feel the edge of a headache. "I was saying about how I missed thinking I could, how wonderful it was seeing other countries and she said I should, if I wanted to."
"And do you want to?" Lorelai's voice was even but Rory could read her tone.
"I don't know, Mom. I didn't even think about it until today. I bought the atlas because it was exciting to think about, I guess."
Lorelai kept her lips pressed together and Rory added,
"I mean, I could. Grandpa left me a trust fund and I wouldn't need a lot of it to go away for a few months."
"A few months?" Lorelai echoed, sitting up straight. "Trust fund? It sounds like you've thought about it."
Rory didn't reply and her mother went on,
"So you'd go travelling all by yourself?"
"I'd be careful. I wouldn't go anywhere dangerous."
"Where would you go?" Lorelai demanded. "How long for? Am I just going to get a random postcard every few weeks telling me you've started living in a cave and at one with nature?"
"I am not going to live in a cave, it wouldn't have electricity."
"Oh, hilarious!"
"Mom, relax," Rory said. "I don't know if I even will. It was just an idea."
"You sound pretty planned out."
"You know I like to plan ahead."
Lorelai smiled slightly but asked seriously,
"Why the sudden burst of wanderlust? I know it wasn't just because your doctor suggested it."
"I don't know," Rory said thoughtfully. "I hadn't thought about it until she suggested it, but it's not such a crazy idea, is it? I have time, I have the money. I haven't done anything like that since – I know we went to Europe together but I've never been away on my own."
"Rory, I don't know if I like the idea of you running off to every corner of the world by yourself."
"Not every corner."
"Okay, some corners. You're still –" Lorelai hesitated. "You're going through a lot right now. I'm not sure if getting on a plane and going away for a few months is the smartest plan."
"Mom, I'd be okay," Rory said, putting her hand on Lorelai's. "I'd call every night."
"Every night?"
"Well, wherever there's cellphone reception."
Lorelai smiled but didn't say anything and Rory continued,
"Actually, that's one of the reasons Doctor Moran said I should go. She thinks I'm putting too much pressure on myself here."
"And so she thinks you should go find yourself?"
"Not in those words." Rory paused and said, "She said I should travel and write down everything I see. It's what I always wanted to do."
Lorelai nodded and Rory added,
"I haven't decided anything though."
"It sounds very thought out," Lorelai remarked. She looked at her daughter and said, "Honey, I want you to make yourself happy and if going to live in some cave –"
"No one said anything about a cave!"
"I always wanted you to see everything," Lorelai said. "I can't be mad if you're doing just that."
"Nothing's decided," Rory said and Lorelai nodded, coughing and wiping at her eyes when she thought Rory wasn't looking. "I just bought an atlas."
"Right," Lorelai said quietly. "Well, I don't know about you but I'm starving. Chinese?"
"Sure," Rory said. She was slightly surprised at the abrupt change of subject but neither said anything as they got out the menus, ordered the food and watched a movie together, Lorelai's arm around Rory tight.
Rory didn't tell her mother what else was on her mind. She hadn't seen Jess at all that day, not even when she went into the square for lunch. Rory went to bed early, telling Lorelai her throat was sore, which it was. She lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, her throat tight as she'd gone over their conversation again and again. Conversation or argument? It hadn't been a fight but neither had it been a pleasant talk by the lake and Rory rolled over, trying to find a cool spot to sleep. She couldn't relax and Jess's face was in her mind's eye, his words as clear as a bell. It does matter...of course it matters! And then I know you better than anyone. Rory rolled over and over again, sleeping in fitful bursts, awake before her alarm. Her head ached all day.
Life was quiet over the next few days and Rory didn't see Jess once. On Friday they went to Richard and Emily's but when asked about their news, neither mother nor daughter told about Rory's possible travel plans. Instead they talked about work at the bookstore and inn and in turn about the DAR and Richard's business, along with his hopeless new assistant. Lorelai made a crack about him not lasting more than a month and as they all laughed, Richard sighing, Rory caught Emily's eye. For a moment they smiled at each other but then Emily coughed and Rory looked away. Things had been awkward since the afternoon Rory had gone to apologise and neither had brought it up since. Rory knew if Lorelai found out she would force them to talk, as she had when they hadn't spoken after Christopher paid for Yale, so she kept it to herself. Her mother knew they had smoothed over the wound from a few weeks ago, but not the embellishments, and that was good enough for Rory. She didn't want things to get more complicated. It was a relief when it was time to go.
Lorelai sighed as they reached Stars Hollow, leaning back in her seat.
"Do you know what I have a yearning for?"
"What?"
"A bubble bath. A lovely, long bubble bath, maybe with a glass of wine."
"Sounds good."
"I don't have any wine."
"You have a tub."
"It takes too long to fill."
"Patience is a virtue."
"I thought you wanted to watch a movie."
Rory looked at out of the window, seeing the lights around Luke's shining.
"Rory?"
Rory jumped and looked at Lorelai, who was glancing at her expectantly.
"Sorry," she said sheepishly. "Mom, let me out here."
"Didn't you want to watch a movie?"
"I feel like a walk. You go have your bubble bath and I'll watch it with you when I'm back."
"Okay," Lorelai said doubtfully. "I'll see you later."
Rory kissed her cheek and hopped out of the car. The evening was warm and she took off the sweater she'd worn to Emily's, tying it around the waist of her dress. She walked slowly around the square, her fancy sandals tapping awkwardly on the pavement. It annoyed her and Rory slid them off but after a few moments trod on a pebble and reluctantly put them back on. She walked a little further, wincing slightly, and stopped at Luke's. She glanced in the window and then froze. Jess was leaning over the counter, illuminated in the light, and Rory stared, unable to move. Her legs felt glued to the sidewalk when suddenly Jess looked up. His eyes locked on hers and for a moment neither moved. They simply stared but then Jess was moving, going around the counter and hastening to the door. The feeling came back into Rory's legs and she started stepping away, breaking into something which was halfway between walk and jog.
"Rory! Rory, wait!"
Jess caught her at the gazebo, panting.
"Wait," he gasped. "Why were you running away?"
Rory shrugged, looking away and Jess took her arms.
"Can we talk?"
"About what?"
"You know about what."
Rory didn't say anything and Jess said,
"Could we go to my apartment? I don't want to do this here."
Rory opened her mouth to say no but found herself saying,
"Okay."
She followed Jess down the streets she'd avoided, up the familiar stairs and into his apartment. She sat awkwardly on her old chair and then caught herself. It was not her chair and she jumped as Jess sat beside her. There was a long, uncomfortable pause.
"I like your dress."
Rory was started and she looked down at the material, a soft sea-blue.
"Thanks."
There was another pause and Rory said,
"You wanted to talk."
Jess rubbed a spot behind his ear.
"I miss you," he said eventually. "I really miss you."
"You were the one who wanted to take some time," Rory reminded him. "Some space."
"I know, but – I miss being your friend. When you were married to that jerk and you'd come over...it was good just talking to you."
Rory was silent. She missed him too, it was like a constant ache in her chest, but she said,
"It's not that simple, Jess, not anymore. We aren't just friends now."
Jess nodded but didn't say anything and Rory said miserably,
"We shouldn't have slept together. It was a stupid thing to do."
"No, it wasn't," Jess said sharply. "Don't say that."
"Jess –"
"It wasn't stupid," Jess said. "Us having sex. Would you take it back?"
Rory looked into his eyes and said,
"It made things complicated."
"It was already complicated."
"Not in the same way."
"Not that different. You kissed me when you were with Dean, with Logan."
"And it was always screwed up," Rory said roughly. "For the wrong reasons."
"Rory –"
"No!" she said angrily. "We should have been smart, thought things through. It was too soon to have sex, I wasn't thinking. I never think. You said it yourself, we should take time until it's figured out. This isn't figured out."
"Let's figure it out," Jess said. His knee was less than a centimetre from Rory's yet it felt as though it was touching. "Not being together or sleeping together or – I don't want to give up."
"It's been so long," Rory whispered and Jess said,
"It doesn't feel so long to me."
"Jess..."
He looked at her, leaning closer. Their knees were brushing now and Rory admitted,
"I've missed you."
His hand found hers. His fingers lightly brushed the palm before holding it properly and, without thinking, Rory reached his lips. For a moment they sat, entwined, but Rory pulled away from the kiss.
"This isn't going to work!"
"Rory –"
"Did you plan this?" she demanded. "Us to come up here and..."
"No!" Jess exclaimed. "I didn't – I thought we could just talk."
"This is what happens when we just talk," Rory said, getting up and folding her arms. "We screw up."
"You missed me," Jess said steadily. "And I miss you. It's not screwing up."
Rory didn't say anything and Jess said,
"Come to Philadelphia."
That stopped Rory's silence. She stared, released her arms and burst out,
"What?"
"I don't mean to live," Jess said quickly. "I'm not asking you to –" his voice caught and Rory remembered a fraught night several years before.
"Come stay, for a couple of nights," he said, his voice normal again. "Not with me, unless you want – stay in a hotel and see the Truncheon. You haven't seen it properly. I can take you around Philadelphia and we can talk – really talk. Get to know each other."
Rory was silent and, without realising, folded her arms again.
"The New York branch is nearly done," Jess continued. "Maybe we could go see that too."
"I can't," Rory said slowly. Jess sounded hurt as he said,
"I don't mean we'd be together if you came. I wouldn't expect- Rory, it's not like code or anything. Come as my friend – or whatever we are."
Rory felt dizzy. She needed to sit down but didn't trust walking back to the chair.
"I'll show you the Liberty Bell," Jess said, in a lighter tone. "We could do some illegal touching."
Rory smiled and Jess said,
"I don't want to leave it like this. We could try and figure things out there. Please."
Rory hesitated. She imagined herself walking around Philadelphia, maybe Jess's hand in hers. Finding a coffee shop and talking, filling in the missing gaps of the past few years, and really seeing the Truncheon. The Truncheon, where they had kissed, their bodies close. Rory sucked in her breath as she imagined it now, going to the room above with no one to stop them and she said loudly,
"No."
Jess stared at her. For a moment, he wore the same expression from all those years before.
"Why not?"
"I can't," Rory said, her voice trembling. "I just can't."
"It doesn't mean –"
"It will," Rory said cutting him off. "It will mean something. And...and I can't. I'm going away."
It was Jess's turn to look bemused.
"What? Where?"
"I don't know," Rory admitted. "I'm going to do some travelling. I don't know when."
Jess nodded slowly and Rory said,
"I need to go. Mom'll wonder where I am."
"Okay," Jess said quietly. "If you change your mind..."
Their eyes met and Rory didn't trust herself to stay longer.
"Goodnight," she said quietly. Jess nodded again, Rory walked straight home and it was only when she'd taken her dress off, standing in her underwear that she realised she'd lost her sweater.
"Rory? Ready for the movie?"
Rory quickly pulled on some sweats and called,
"I'm coming," catching the sob in her throat. She followed Lorelai into the living room, turned on the movie and laughed until tears streamed down her face.