Disclaimer: if you can believe it, I still own nothing

Authors: I'm going to try explore Peter in this, don't hate me if you don't like it but I haven't written about him. I don't think he was completely evil, but he was so very weak and cowardly. This should mainly come from Lily's perspective, I think. (I'm not very good at editing so please forgive me if you notice errors)

Lily had had a stressful couple of days since the patrol with James, yet she found herself strangely looking forward to the next one. She'd enjoyed talking to him, and talking about her father. It was like a pressure had been slightly lifted off her chest. She still found drowning waves of self-pity and despair, but finding them easier to control. Especially around her friends. However, she still found that she couldn't sleep with at least one nightmare, and they were getting more out of control. It started as just vague dreams of her dad dying but had since developed into terrible nightmares where her family was being tortured. She usually woke herself up because of her screams, and her cheeks were also damp from crying.

At about 1am on Wednesday evening she woke from another nightmare very cold, she left the small Head's common room and went downstairs because she wanted to sit by the fire to warm herself - knowing that she would get no more sleep. She was fully expecting to be completely alone when she got down there, so was shocked to see Peter on one of the desks in the corner of the room. He seemed to be crying as he stared down at a piece of parchment.

'Peter? What's wrong?' Lily said immediately, heading over to where he was sitting.

'I can't do it.' Peter wailed.

'Do what?' Lily asked, looking down at the piece of parchment and seeing that it was what seemed to be an attempt to write an essay.

'Any of it.' Peter cried. 'I can't concentrate in classes and I don't understand the majority of what the teachers are saying.'

'Well, Peter.' Lily started, gently. 'You don't often seem to care, you're never in the library and you very rarely work on anything in the common room.' Lily had never really understood how he got through his first year exams, let alone his OWL's.

'T-that's because they don't.' Peter sniffled.

'Who? James, Sirius and Remus?' Lily questioned.

'Y-yes.' Peter sniffled again.

'Peter, you don't always need to do what they do.' Lily scolded, gently.

'I do.' Peter wailed, again.

'No. You don't, Peter. Unfortunately, those three are unfairly gifted in the academic department and so don't need to spend as much time writing essays and studying as we do.' Lily replied.

'We?' Peter questioned, incredulously. 'You're just as clever as they are.'

'That's very kind of you to say, Peter, but it simply isn't true. I have to study and work every day to get good grades and even then it's not often what I want to have.' Lily explained.

'B-b-but I don't know how to work.' Peter said.

d - italics and date

'I could help you revise, you know' Lily said, kindly.

'Really?' Peter asked.

'I'd be happy too.' Lily said. 'Though you'd have to make it a commitment - two sessions a week for two hours per session in the library.'

'That's a lot of hours.' Peter replied.

'As I said, it's a commitment. I will help you get through NEWTS and help you pass with acceptable grades, but in return you have to be committed to learning. You'll also have to at least start your homework the day you get it, and finish it before the night before. As your tutor, I will happily go over your work but I will not do it for you. Can you do this?'

'Yes! I promise I'll work really, really hard.' Peter said, earnestly.

'Then every Tuesday and Thursday you are to meet me in the library from 1800 till 2000. We will go over class work you didn't understand, and homework you need help with.' Lily said, smiling.

'You promise you'll be there? That you'll help me?' Peter asked.

'Of course I will. I promise that as long as you commit, then I will commit to helping you. I might even see if I can get some others to join us.' Lily said. 'However, I will be sure to ask them to leave it proves to be distracting for you.' She finished quickly, when she saw Peter smile a little too much.

'I'll behave, I promise. I really need help.' He replied.

'Then stop with this and go to bed, you've done enough and I'll correct the rest. This is a one-time thing - I will not be writing your essays for you, but you do need to get some sleep.' Lily said.

'What about you? Shouldn't you go to bed?' Peter asked, whilst he was gathering up his things.

'I had some sleep.' She replied, wearily.

'Not enough...' Peter said.

'How do you know that? Maybe I went to bed really early.' Lily said, smirking.

'No...you don't. You stay in the library and then come back when you know most people go to bed and then you're up before anyone else.' Peter said slowly, whilst awkwardly standing by his chair.

The smirk completely vanished from Lily's face as she listened to him.

'Have you been watching me?' She asked, quietly.

'No. I promise I haven't.' He said, tripping over his own words. 'I've spent most nights in here this week trying to work, and sometimes you sneak by me to go to bed and you come back down when I'm leaving. Usually you're so wrapped up in your own head, you don't notice me. You must be tired.' Peter said.

Lily smiled a little at the compassion in his voice.

'Don't worry about me Peter, I'm working through it. And please don't say you're here if I need to talk - I have been talking. I talked to Alice and Mary and James, so I'm talked out.'

Peter smiled then, 'I don't think you should talk to me. Or any of us. I think you need to talk to Dumbledore.'

Lily was very shocked by that.

'Why would you say that?' She asked.

'You aren't coping very well, and everyone knows why. Alice also told us about Dumbledore not being able to help you with your dads illness. I think that even though you don't want to or mean to, you're blaming him and you're blaming yourself. I think you should talk to him.' Peter explained.

'I'm coping fine!' Lily exclaimed. 'I don't want Dumbledore to think he can't put his trust in me. Or that I don't trust him.'

'You think he'd think that? Dumbledore would never think that. You've been the smartest girl in the year since you first got here on the first day. You are the obvious choice for Head Girl. He won't take it from you just because your dad died.' Peter said.

'Peter, that's lovely of you to say, but Dumbledore isn't a stupid man. He will know immediately that I haven't been sleeping well, yes you were right about that, and he may recommend taking away some of duties. Or giving me a potion to help me sleep.' Lily said.

'Why not take a potion?' Peter asked, confused.

'Why should I have magical help me get over the death of my dad when I couldn't use it to stop him dying in he first place?' Lily muttered.

'You can't think like that. You and I both know that I'm not the most clever of wizards, but that's okay. I get to be friends with James and Sirius and Remus who more than make up for my lack of academic skill. They are all incredible wizards who deserve their magic. You are an equally, if not more so, incredible witch who deserves her magic. Use it.' Peter replied.

'I don't think I can, Peter.' She replied sadly.

Peter gathered up the rest of his things and made for the dormitory door, before looking back at her.

'Talk to Dumbledore. Tomorrow.' And with that, he went up the stairs to bed.

Lily considered his word to a long time, as she silently sobbed. She knew he was right. She has been ignoring Dumbledore as much as possible. She knew she'd have to face him eventually. She resolved to going and visiting him tomorrow afternoon, after classes. As Head Girl, she knew the password to his office. Lily also decided that she'd underestimated Peter. She had always known him to be quiet and kind, but now she considered his bravery. Before, she considered him cowardly. Well maybe not cowardly, but certainly less inclined for bravery. Through the years she'd found herself wondering how he'd made it into Gryffindor, having always considered him a weak person who seeks out the power of others for protection - James and Sirius. Only now did she consider whether she had been wrong with her initial judgement. He was a strange kind of brave, someone who would speak out when he knew it was right too. It was brave to admit he needed help with his work, and brave to confront her about her sleeping and avoiding Dumbledore. She must remember to apologise one day. To all of the Marauders. Lily was only just realising how much she'd underestimated all of them. She'd always known Remus to be a great man, someone she could look up to - he never blamed others for his condition and never took his anger out on them. Lily thought of Sirius as the joker of the group, and certainly one of the biggest bullies - along with James. She now wondered whether this was just a front to all of his suffering, inflicted by his family. She still considered his actions wrong, but also evaluated whether that made her words and actions right. Finally, as Lily edited Peter's essay, she found herself thinking about James. This past week, she'd found herself actually looking forward to spending time with him. She began to actually see him as her friend, and wondered if she'd been less stubborn and he'd stopped hexing people sooner - maybe they could have been friends a long time ago. Their past was their past, and her and the Marauders were dealing with it, but Lily wondered whether the Marauders could become as close friends to her as Alice, Mary and Remus already were. She might like that.

As she finished Peter's essay, she found herself drifting off thinking of the Marauders.

Afternoon, much later that day - Dumbledore's office

Lily sucked in a deep breath and knocked three, distinct times on Dumbledores door.

'Enter.' He called cheerfully.

Lily breathed in and out again, and opened the door. She'd been in Dumbledore's office before, but was still shocked by the decoration. The room was surrounded by books, magical and muggle, and had intriguing objects placed all around it. Her eyes could not help but trail around the room, finally landing on Dumbledore himself. He sat behind the desk, complete with his purple ropes and half-moon spectacles. He looked up and smiled softly at her, gesturing to the seat in front of his deal.

'I've been waiting for you to come see me, Miss Evans.' He said, gently.

Lily took a seat and fidgeted uncomfortably, not really know how to start.

'Is there any particular reason you've decided to visit today though?' He continued.

Lily's head snapped up and green eyes met blue. She looked in them for a few seconds and saw more pain and understanding there then she thought possible, so quickly shifted her gaze to Fawkes, who was sitting adjacent to Dumbledore's desk, and settled on his vibrant colours.

'I'm sorry I never responded to your letter.' She said, straight to the point.

'Oh dear, I never expected you to. I'm sure it bought you no comfort. Though, and I'm sure you've heard this enough, but I'm so sorry to hear about your fathers passing.' Dumbledore said, softly.

Lily could hear the sincerity in his voice, and it pained her. She'd heard this so many times, but had been worrying about hearing it from Dumbledore himself. A man who she had put all her faith in, which had been destroyed in an instance when he couldn't save her fathers life. She had been so convinced he would be able to help her, she hasn't even considered the possibility that he would be unable too.

'I'm struggling.' Lily blurted, the words just spilling out. 'I can't stay focused on anything but my lessons, I can't focus on people. I barely write to my mum anymore and my sister and I completely ignore each other, though we haven't been close for years. It's like when my father died I lost myself and I can't find me. There are brief moments of caring, the longest I've gone without thinking about is when I went on patrol with James Potter. There are other moments where I feel like myself...with Alice or Mary or Remus. But never for very long. Not for long enough.'

Lily was on her feet now, pacing the room whilst Dumbledore watched her intently.

'I want to stop feeling guilty. Guilty that I'm alive and he isn't. Guilty that I would be able to save myself, but I couldn't save him. Most of all I want to forgive you.' She saw sadness and a little shock appear in his eyes and hurried to continue. 'Forgive you in the same way I want to be able to forgive myself. Your letter meant a lot to me, it was the reason I returned to Hogwarts and the reason I decided not to hide from my magic. But you're Dumbledore. I didn't even consider you wouldn't be able to convince the Ministry to help me, it didn't even cross my mind that you wouldn't be able to save my dad. So though I don't want to be, and I've told myself and others I'm not, I'm so furious with you. Sir.' She concluded, finally meeting his eyes from where she was standing near Fawkes.

Dumbledore looked at her for a long while, seemingly considering his response. He didn't seem angry with her but she could never tell with him.

'I understand.' Dumbledore said at last. 'I would be angry at me to, and certainly I would be unable to forgive me. I want to impress upon you that I did my best to get help for your father, for your family. I am also ashamed to admit that I couldn't.'

'I know it isn't your fault.' Lily said, sighing and returning to her seat.

'Knowing something and feeling something aren't always the same thing though, are they?' Dumbledore said, smiling knowingly.

'They aren't.' Lily agreed. 'However my dad always said that knowing what you're feeling isn't right is a step in the right direction.'

'Wise words from someone I'm sure was a wise man.' Dumbledore replied.

'He was wise.' Lily said, quietly.

'As I'm sure you're aware, you're allowed to be sad.' Dumbledore told her.

'I don't like to be sad. I like to be the strong one...it's hard being the one everyone is seeking to look after.' Lily said.

'You've always been the strong one. Let others be strong for you. Let them be your light in the darkness of your grief.' Dumbledore replied.

They sat there in comfortable silence while Lily digested his words. Her friends and her mum were just about the only light she had left. Alice, Mary and the Marauders have been there for her the entire time. They sympathised with her, and understood why she was in so much pain about the loss of her dad...but not everyone did.

'One thing my dads death has taught me, though I knew it before, is how wrong this war is. Muggle's, and muggleborns like myself, have done nothing wrong. They do not deserve to be tortured and killed for being different. I've always stood firmly on your side sir, and although I am angry with you, I want you to know that won't change. I am with you in this war. As your student and Head Girl.' Lily said, bravely.

'How committed are you to your words? Are you willing to support them with actions?' Dumbledore asked.

'Of course.' Lily answered, confused.

Dumbledore stared into her eyes, as if to assess whether she was telling the truth. He nodded slightly, and moved to stand up. He gestured for Lily to continue sitting as he walked slowly towards Fawkes.

'I believe you, Lily. Normally I would not do this until you have completed your education. However, the war is progressing far quicker than I would have imagined it to and the more people on our side, the better.' Dumbledore said.

'Sir, I don't know where you're going with this...?' Lily questioned.

Dumbledore chuckled slightly and started to stroke Fawkes.

'Lily, I think it's time you learnt about the Order of the Phoenix.'