Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.

I don't know why reviews for Chapter 15 have yet to post. I sent an email to support.

A Note to Mir: Thank you for your loyal reviews. I wish you had an account so we could PM. Metatron is from Dogma, a movie you can actually watch in-full on YouTube if that hasn't deleted for copyright violation. I'm a bit sad to leave PART I behind as well, but while I have enjoyed using the Kitsowitz/Espenson model and taking it to their George R.R. Martin Game of Thrones bad feminist/misogynist worldview worshiping extreme that would be OUAT if it was on HBO, all satirical torture porn must come to an end. In PART II, hopefully, Emma can be un-Reeked and realize without need of ghosts and angels that romance is NOT swooning over raging psychopaths and instantly absolution of present-day atrocities through horny-teenager make-out session.

A Note to All Readers: PART II is turning out to be more in the way of absurd humor over the dark gallows humor of PART I. The chapters will likely be shorter and broken into sections focused on different characters and how their "Season 4" lives get off to a slightly different start thanks to Emma having different priorities and Zelena being... well... I rather enjoyed Chapter Two! Anyway, I hope you enjoy PART TWO!

PART II

CHAPTER ONE

THE FRINGE EFFECT

Emma hit the ground with a painful thud, her head dizzy and her senses slowly acclimating to twilight in an overcast sky and the smell of hay, body-order-soaked leather, and cheap rum.

It took a moment longer than it should have to realize she was at the barn that day and the time portal had opened up, blown out the barn doors, and landed her on her ass... because the portal was sucking her toward it with alarming speed.

Fighting the fear of the consequences of failure, Emma threw her hands outward toward a length of rope that shot magically into her hand and coiled around her wrist. For a few panicked seconds she thought it wasn't fast enough and the rope too long as she was dragged like a stunt man behind a horse in an old western.

Thankfully, the rope pulled taught just shy of the golden light which had reversed in on itself turning the column into a deepening portal.

Emma craned her neck, looking into the portal with an unsettling sensation of deja vu. The memory of her death was fresh in her mind, the momentary fear of the unknown, expecting to be pulled into the past followed momentarily by an agonizing pain as though she'd fallen into a blackhole and gravity was ripping her apart to a molecular level -which, in a way, it was, splitting her, killing her while leaving a copy whose memories were now a part of her like some parasitic twin she could never be rid of.

That in and of itself was incentive enough to get her wits about her and channel her magic at the portal. Emma poured it out of her finger tips - hardly having time to notice and feel relief that she once more had all of her fingers - forcing more and more, every last drop, until she could feel the magic unbinding from her blood and the world starting to grow fuzzy at the edges of her vision.

Just when Emma feared she would pass out, the portal slammed shut with a shockwave that shattered what remained of the barn and shredded the rope.

Wind knocked out of her, head spinning once more, Emma lay in a thicket of weeds waiting for the tingling in her hands to stop and the blood in her ears to stop pounding. She was sure that she'd twisted her wrist rather badly and her back was going to be black and blue in the morning.

But she'd succeeded!

She was alive and the universe hadn't ended!

Before Emma could quite come to her senses, a voice was bellowing through the roaring, "SWAN! SWAN!"

Right, Hook. Ugh.

She'd managed blissfully to forget her pervy great grandfather had tagged along to the barn... and everything her "clone" had done with future/alternate reality Hook... but also what she and that perv actually had done in Neverland and certain lascivious thoughts she'd had about him in the weeks (minus a year without memories) afterward that now made her want to vomit.

And then rum-flavored lips were pressed against hers making it way way worse!

Emma rose up fast enough to knock her forehead against his. She gave him an extra shove and snapped, "What the hell was that!?"

"I wasn't certain you were breathing."

"That's not how CPR works!" she hissed.

"It worked just fine the other day when you were reviving me right over there," Hook pointed to the water trough.

"Yeah, and stealing my magic!" Emma reminded. "Why the hell did I think taking you with me then or now made any damn sense? Do you know what kind of mess there would have been if you'd fallen in that portal!?" she huffed, refusing his hand as help to her feet.

Hook gave her a petulant look. "Well, I didn't. Never thought I'd be grateful for this," he said of his prosthetic, then raised a brow.

"That was quick thinking with the rope, luv. And quite a show you put on dispatching of that portal, particularly since I thought you'd lost your magic?"

"Yeah, well, Zelena took it as part of her spell to open that damned thing, so I guess she figured she could jump into the portal before I'd get here to stop her."

Hook nodded, contemplated a moment, then deduced, "Well, you're still here, so... I suppose that means you did, unless she was lying about intending to wipe your family out of existence."

"Yeah, I guess so," Emma agreed with a relieved sigh as sirens cut through the evening.

Hook smiled, pulling out his flask. "A drink to celebrate, Swan?"

Rolling her eyes, Emma shoved his arm away and started walking toward the approaching squad car, ignoring her throbbing wrist and aching back. "I'm giving up day-drinking."

"It's technically evening, Swan. Perfectly acceptable cocktail time."

"Fine, then, I'm giving up drinking with you," she groused. "Who knows what diseases I've gotten from your backwash, never mind mouth-to-mouth contact. Actually, scratch that. I probably already caught syphilis from you in Neverland. You're not touching me until the only thing I'm drunk on his penicillin, and even then I wouldn't try it."

Frowning Hook hurried beside her, remarking, "Now you're just being intentionally contrary again, Swan! In Neverland you led me on and then rebuffed me, then you began flirting with me rather shamelessly when we returned to Storybrooke. You seemed quite pleased that I would think of you every day... then kneed me in the family jewels upon our reunion - though, to be fair, you didn't have your memories. But as soon as you recovered them, you can't deny that you've been receptive to my affections. After all, was your declaration after reuniting Ariel and Eric not meant as encouragement to peruse you? Until you decided to run back to New York, I thought we had reached a certain simpatico..."

"I am not running back to New York," sighed Emma, part of her wishing now that she was. Fairy tales. Ugh.

"So you're staying?" Hook asked, hopeful.

"For my parents and my son and this town of people I'm supposed to help get their happy endings. Not for you," Emma pressed, "a man who spent three centuries date raping bar maids after leaving my son's father to rot in a jungle wasteland, tormented by a child-abusing sociopath, simply because he wasn't cool with you having fucked his mom for seven years."

Hook startled and grimaced. "Ah... so... Neal did tell you about our... familial connection then."

"No, he didn't actually," Emma retorted. "I guess he didn't think he had any right to interfere with my love life, though in that case, he really should have. Also, I am going to punch Regina in the tits for not mentioning that you murdered your own father and orphaned your own brother. I don't date orphan-makers."

Looking particularly traumatized, Hook pleaded, "That's... that's unfair, Emma! He baited me after replacing me! He named the boy after Liam!"

"Yeah, instead of you. Must have shattered your massive ego!" Emma scoffed. "Whatever this creepy incestuous attraction is, Hook, I'm done with it. I'm not debasing myself for the likes of you just because I have abandonment issues and an obsessive stalker is the perfect way around dealing with them!"

"Rather sounds like a perfect arrangement, luv... though I take objection to being called a stalker," he smirked and wagged his brows.

Emma glared and countered, "You spent weeks lurking on dark rooftops looking at me through your spyglass. Don't even pretend you didn't watch me getting undressed in my room at Granny's!"

"I...er...t'was once by accident, Swan. I was looking for any sign of my beloved ship!"

"You mean the one you let Eric die for and he only survived because Ariel saved Blackbeard and you let me believe it was you who reunited them when Ariel was never even back in Storybrooke, it was just Zelena tickling your balls, telling you everything you wanted to hear about my being your one true love?" Emma snapped, to which Hook winced again, looking like he wanted a time portal to open up and swallow him.

"Well, I'm not, Hook," she continued along with the glare. "Get that through your head right now. That kiss meant nothing. I was emotionally screwed up and terrified for my son and mourning his father and you took advantage, and you've been taking advantage of me ever since. You used Neal's desperation to get my forgiveness to make me push him away even more so you could step in. Winning my heart with honesty and chivalry my ass. You used Tinkerbell to try and make me jealous. You forced your way into my family's good-bye at the town line, the last moment I had together with my son and his father never mind thought would be the last I ever saw my parents.

"My parents whom you mooched off in the Enchanted Forest to go on some teenage crush bender of thieving and boozing - and leaving out whoring because you were infatuated with me, a woman you just met and spent all but five days of that knowing me trying to murder me, and crying in your rum over my not being there for you to emotionally abuse into loving you is not romantic and in any way heroic. You then sexually assaulted me on my doorstep in front of my son, took credit for a selfless and heroic thing that Neal did, told me you were glad I was heartbroken so you could still pursue me like a predator hunting prey, and spent your every waking moment trying to guilt me into kissing you again. You probably came along as my 'back up' hoping Zelena would try to kill you so I'd have to kiss you, even if that doomed my family, because everything is about you. And you sure as shit did not give a storybook pep talk to get me to stick around for my family."

"I'll admit," Hook conceded, a bit flustered, "that there was some selfish intention in that, but should a man not peruse the object of his affection?"

"I'm not an object and I'm not yours to pursue. And I don't want any more of your rum," Emma concluded with a growl, pushing his flask away, relieved when the patrol car came to a stop and her father burst out.

Of course, her mother piled out of the passenger side holding her brother which violated all kinds of laws, and Henry emerged from the back carrying The Book which she had half a mind to throw on the ground and set on fire to be rid of The Author and all of the related bullshit therein.

"Emma!" Snow cried, "are you all right? We saw the column of magic-"

"Yes, we're both fine," interjected Hook with a scowl at the woman neither realized was his granddaughter, "thanks very much."

Hook was ignored as Emma explained that she was able to close the portal. No, she didn't know what happened to Zelena, but they still existed, so that was a good sign.

"Well," concluded David cheerfully, "I think this calls for some extra celebration. Assuming you're not still intending to head back to New York?"

"No," replied Emma, trying not to sigh, "I'm staying."

Henry cheered and threw his arms around her middle. Emma fought tears as she returned the tight embrace. He hugged just like his dad.

For now, Emma amended silently as she walked with them to the car.

AN: So, Emma let Hook know she's off the market. Of course, the creep is a sociopath, so it's not like that will matter! Also, if you have never watched Fringe, what's wrong with you? Check it out right now!

Next up: What did become of Zelena?