Note: I am gonna try making chapters longer, so look forward to that, lol also I hope you guys get my references from other anime and stuff by the way. ENJOY!
Disclaimer: Don't Own Naruto and I don't own Fairy Tail!
Chapter 17: Bartenders From Hell!
It had been a few days since Naruto crashed Jude's wedding plan, the blonde and Zabuza had split up and gone their own separate ways since then. Naruto was currently working towards his dream to become the pirate king! Just kidding the blonde was actually chilling at his new place. The blonde used to live in Oak Town, and since his house got destroyed his decided he would live in Magnolia instead, they had better stores, hotter ladies, and awesome ice-cream! Anyways, Naruto now lived next to a bakery called Magnolia's Bakery, the owner of Magnolia's Bakery owned a one floor building which was empty and next to the bakery, the owner of the Bakery decided to rent out the building to the blonde for 2000 jewels a month, it was a rip off right? Well the blonde didn't plan on paying rent anyways, and so now the blonde lived there.
"Odd Jobs Naruto, Bitches!"
The building which Naruto lived in had that sign on it in front, in big black and bold letters, yes. Since he was no longer a Mage from a legal guild, the blue eyed Dragon Slayer decided to start his own odd jobs, do jobs nobody wanted to do at a freaking cheap price. Inside the one story building, there was two couches facing parallel to each other, both couches were cheap looking; they also were good for two people to sit on each couch, and in the middle of the two parallel couches was a small wooden table, on one of the corners of the room there was a small crappy T.V, and on another corner there was a stand which had a bunch of Manga and Anime Video's. On the left wall there was a door which lead to small sized bedroom, there was just really a queen sized bed: a closet and a door which lead to the bathroom.
It wasn't the fanciest place, but it was better than living under a bridge, right?
Anyways, back to Naruto! The blonde was currently laying down on the couch, flipping the pages to a Manga with a bored expression on his face, his chilling time was disrupted when he heard a knock on the door.
"A-Anyone here?!" Naruto heard a man's voice.
"No, nobody's home, come back in 1000 years, Sayonara!" Naruto didn't want to deal with anyone at the moment.
It remained silent which made Naruto believe the man had left, but he was wrong, the door to the building opened, Naruto wanted to punch himself for forgetting to leave the door unlocked.
"Haha, it was unlocked so I decided to come in!" The man stated.
Naruto kept flipping through his Manga before he spoke, "Huh? I didn't see you there! Who the fuck are you, Oi?! "
The man sweat-dropped before he cleared his throat, "I'll get straight to the point, my wife is giving birth today -"
"Oi, Oi, don't tell me your life story, just get to the point!"
The man nodded quickly, "I am the owner of a bar, and I'm going to be busy today, so I need someone to fill in for me as one of the bartenders, since the bar I own the bartenders are always being mugged and jumped, all my bartender's have quit, I hired one earlier just for today, but it get's full so I would feel better if there was another bartender!"
"Uh, fuck that!" Naruto snapped at the old man, "I'm too young and handsome to get mugged or jumped, are you trying to kill me?!"
"N-No, NO! I-I really just need for you to fill In for today, I-I'll pay you 30 jewels an hour!"
"Oi, did your mom drop you as a baby?! No, you must have been bottle fed! Only a dumb-ass risks their life for 30 jewels an hour!"
Naruto wasn't worried about getting jumped or mugged, he could take on a few thugs before a mother could flip a Sunday morning pancake, the blonde just didn't feel like working, today!
"I-I'm broke, you're my only hope! Legal Guilds are more expensive!"
"BULLSHIT! YOU'RE A BARTENDER, YOU MUST GET GOOD TIPS, YOU'RE JUST A CHEAP BASTARD!"
The man stayed silent and Naruto without looking at him spoke, "Go hire some bum off of the streets, no way in hell am I doing this job!"
The man sighed and began walking away.
Right there and there a miracle happened, yes a miracle. Naruto had a change of heart!
"W-Wait, I'll do it, old man!" Naruto yelled quickly as he stood up, but then fell to the floor, he was hungrier than a pack of wolves who hadn't eaten in a damn week.
It was either a miracle or the blonde was just hungry, because well bars have drinks, food, and babes, right?
"Of course, now let's go before I have a change of stomach – err I mean heart!"
The man smiled and the blonde walked out of the building, right behind the man, they walked for a few blocks before they arrived to a bar that had a sign that said:
Greatest Bar in Magnolia!
"That's a shitty bar name!" Naruto said as he looked at the sign.
"Every good name was taken!"
"AS IF! You were just too lazy to come up with something creative, you boob sucker!"
"No, the author of this story was too lazy to come up with one!"
"Oi, don't go on breaking the 4th wall, breaking the fourth wall is like taking a girls virginity!"
"I regret hiring you." The man just muttered, the blonde was starting to annoy him with his remarks.
Naruto just ignored him and continued speaking, "Yes, it's a sacred and forbidden thing, that must be handled with care, once you take a babes virginity things just aren't the same, same with the 4th wall!"
They walked inside the bar after that and Naruto noticed it was half way full, there was huge flat screen T.V's, pool tables, and other types of weird games. The man walked behind the counter where the Bartender was supposed to give drinks, and Naruto followed him, only to stop when he saw Zabuza.
"Y-YOU!" Zabuza yelled in surprised as he stared at Naruto.
"Be in awe at the sight of Lord Naruto Uzumaki, bitch!"
"TO HELL WITH THAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"
"Oi, you seemed surprised, couldn't you sense me? I sensed you blocks away, are you really a dragon slayer?! You're probably one of those con artists that bullshits!'
"Fuck that!" Zabuza growled, "I'm just slightly intoxicated, now answer my question brat!"
"I'm here to become the greatest bartender in the world, believe it!"
"Don't gimme that crap, now fess up!"
"Last time I checked I was at a bar, not a fucking confession booth!" Naruto said calmly as he started walking towards the man who hired him.
Once he got to where the man was the man handed Naruto a book, "Here, it's a book on how to mix drinks, and make drinks, most people here order sake, or vodka or some shit like that, but from time to time someone does ask for a different kind of drink, and if they do just follow the instruction on this book!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever!" Naruto shrugged his shoulders as he threw the book across the bar.
"W-Why did you throw it?!"
"Mixing drinks is easy, like making cereal, anyone can do it!"
"HAHAH! IDIOT! MIXING A DRINK OR MAKING A DRINK IS NOT LIKE MAKING CEREAL!" Zabuza laughed as he overheard Naruto talking.
"Only simple minded fools think that, in reality mixing a drink is like making cereal, you pour the milk in the bowl, then some Lucy Charms, and boom, you got some magical shit going up in your bowl!"
Zabuza snorted, "You're just half-assed piece of shit, making alcoholic drinks, is an art!"
"ART IS A BANG!" Was heard across the bar.
"ART IS GONNA BE MY FIST IN YOUR FACE IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP DEIDARA!" Was then heard, before a bar fight broke out.
"I'm starting to regret this, I don't think I should leave both of you guys in charge!"
Naruto decided to take matters into his own hands and pushed the man towards the exit of the bar.
"W-What are you doing?!"
"Don't worry, we got this, you go home to your husband, okay?"
"I'M NOT GAY, AND I'M MARRIED, MY WIFE IS GIVING BIRTH TODAY, ASSHOLE!"
"Oi, don't get defensive, I won't judge you!"
"I'm not gay! Are you deaf?!"
"That's what Justin Bieber said, and I'm pretty sure he digs men!"
"W-What are you talking about?! Never-mind, it's no use talking to you, I'll be back tomorrow morning!" The man walked away, and Naruto walked towards the counter where drinks where served, he sat across from Zabuza who was wondering what the hell the blonde was doing.
"Don't just stand there, serve me a drink!"
"W-What? Screw you brat, serve yourself!"
"Is that a way to treat a customer?!"
"YOU'RE NO CUSTOMER, YOU'RE A BRAT WHO SHOULD BE STONED TO DEATH!"
"I want ice on my drink too." Naruto ignored Zabuza's shouting.
Zabuza growled before he grinned evilly, "Do you want poison with your drink?"
Naruto blinked, "Nah, I'm allergic to poison, it'll kill me."
T-This brat is pissing me off, I-I'll kill him, yes! I-I'll kill him, hide his body in the woods, then join another dark guild, kuku! Zabuza seemed to have snapped as he poured the blonde some sake.
Naruto took the cup of sake and gulped it all down in one drink. As he out the cup down a man sat down next to the blonde, he looked to be in distress.
"I want a bottle of sake – no make it two bottles of Sake!" The man said as he gave Zabuza the money.
Naruto eyed the man before he spoke, "What crawled up your ass?!"
"I-I... cheated on my wife... and we half 3 kids, i-i can't live with the guilt, it just happened, I want to tell her but I don't want to lose her and my kids!"
Zabuza placed two bottles of sake in front of the man, Naruto grabbed one of the bottles casually and took a huge drink before he spoke, "What is done is done, you might as well keep cheating!"
"IDIOT, WHAT KIND OF SHITTY ADVICE IS THAT?!" Zabuza snapped at Naruto as he grabbed the other bottle of Sake that the man had just gotten and he gulped it all down.
"Hell is a place for sinners like you, you have a special spot reserved just for you in the V.I.P section!" Zabuza stated with a evil grin as the man's eyes widened.
"N-No, I don't want to go to hell! I-I feel so bad!"
"Then in times like this, all a man can do is drink his sorrows away!" Naruto took another drink from the bottle of sake.
"I would, but you two fuckers drank all my Sake!"
"You should be thanking us, what if these bottles have poison inside?! WE JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE!" Naruto yelled at the man.
"I feel like crap, and you two aren't helping!"
"That's because you are crap!" Zabuza told the man.
"Don't be cold Zabuza, he's a beautiful piece of crap who one day will bloom!" Naruto stated as he nodded his head.
"WHAT KIND OF BARTENDERS ARE YOU GUYS?! OTHER BARTENDERS ARE NICER, AND THEY TRY MAKING ME FEEL BETTER! They actually help me run and get away from my troubles, both of you are worthless!"
"Kuku, we're the Bartender's From Hell, bitch!" Naruto and Zabuza both laughed evilly, as the man's eyes widened.
"I just want to crawl inside a hole and die now," The man sighed.
"Oi, you're a scum bag, and that won't change, but maybe just maybe, you can be an honest scum bag, and tell the truth to your wife!" Naruto told the man, "Hell, she will probably find it hot, and she will want to do a threesome!"
"Y-You really think she'll want a threesome?!"
Naruto nodded, "Babes now-a-days get turned on by the sight of cheating men, it gets them excited, she'll be glad you cheated on her, trust me!"
The man stood up with determination he said, "I WILL TELL HER, THANK YOU!"
Naruto and Zabuza watched as he ran away happy expression on his face and he even cheered, "FUCK YEAH, I'M GETTING ME A THREESOME TONIGHT!"
"Poor clueless bastard, he's actually getting a divorce tonight, hahahahah!" Zabuza laughed as he took another drink of the bottle, "You're an evil asshole, brat!"
Naruto shrugged his shoulders as a busty woman walked and sat next to Naruto.
"I'd like a bottle of Sake, thank you!" The woman smiled at Zabuza.
"Oi, look at those boobs!" Naruto said as he poked the woman's right boob, "They are massive!"
The woman nodded, "They make my back ache, but I need for my profession!"
Zabuza handed her, her bottle and asked, "What's your profession?!"
"Oh, I'm an actress!" She smiled.
"Ah, nice, what kind of movies have you played in?!"
"Haha, well, I make adult movies!" She took a small sip of Sake.
Naruto grabbed her bottle and took a drink too, "Oh, you make adult movies, that's nice – WAIT! ADULT M-MOVIES?!" the blonde was coughing because of the drink now.
The woman nodded as she snatched the bottle away from the blonde, and drank some more.
Naruto and Zabuza froze at this, and they took a few steps away from her.
"Zabu-chan! S-She's a porn star!" Naruto whispered in Zabuza's ear.
"I-I need to know her porn star name!" Zabuza said as he took his phone out, "Ask her for her porn star name!"
"Like hell I will! I-I c-can't just ask that!"
"BUT I WANT TO KNOW!"
"HOW DO YOU THINK I'M FEELING?! YOU ASK HER!"
"Why should I?!"
"Y-You're the bartender!"
"So are you!"
"You have more experience!"
"THAT'S A SHITTY REASON!"
"OKAY! At the count of three we both ask!"
Zabuza nodded, and Naruto counted, "1..2...3" both turned and asked or more like yelled, "WHAT'S YOUR PORN STAR NAME?!"
They both ended up blinking when they noticed the woman was no longer there, but instead a dude, a dude with lipstick, and he happened to be gay.
"Oh, honey!" The man spoke, "My -"
"FUCK OUT OF HERE!" Naruto punched him in the face and he flew away, "I'M INTO WOMEN!"
After that both Naruto and Zabuza just remained silent, nobody really entering the bar, and it was starting to get dark, and well once it got dark, people started coming into the bar like crazy, and both Naruto's and Zabuza's hands seemed to be full, well mostly Zabuza's, the blonde wasn't doing anything pretty much.
The bar then all of a sudden got silent, when a sexy brunette walked into the bar.
"T-That Cana from Fairy Tail!"
"S-She's super hot!"
"How I'd love to tap that ass!"
"I hear no one has ever beat her in a drinking contest!"
"Sooo cooool!"
Cana walked over to the counter, a few seats away from Naruto and spoke, "I want some Vodka." Zabuza nodded and handed her a small cup with Vodka, she grabbed it quickly and gulped it all down, "More!" Zabuza poured her more and this time she took a small sip before looking at Naruto.
"You look cuter up closer, blondie!" Cana told the blonde, "Super cute, too bad you're an asshole!"
Naruto blinked and said, "You look like a slut up close!"
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
"You heard me!"
Cana laughed before she spoke, "You're such an ass, you probably have a small dick, eh?! You push everyone away because you're probably insecure about yourself and your size, haha!"
"Care to measure it with your mouth?"
"I'd rather die."
It remained silent after that, Cana had not forgotten about what he did to Natsu and how he attacked Fairy Tail, she did hear he saved Natsu, Lucy and Erza, but that wasn't enough to redeem a man in her eyes.
"Oi, I heard you never lost a drinking contest, how about we have one?!" Naruto said after some silence.
"Haha! You'll lose, save yourself the trouble!"
"Hmph, loser has to do anything for the winner!"
Cana cocked her right eye-brow, "So if you lose, I can ask you to do anything, anything for me?!"
Naruto nodded and Cana grinned, "Well, you're about to become my slave!"
"Yeah, yeah, first to pass out, loses!"
Cana nodded and Zabuza handed Naruto a small cup and he poured both of them Vodka, and so their drinking contest began!
"HEY! THE FAMOUS NARUTO UZUMAKI IS HAVING A DRINKING CONTEST WITH CANA!"
"Oh! I gotta see this!"
"Me too!"
"I bet all my money Cana will win!"
"Me too!"
"So do I!"
Placing their bets, everyone watched as Naruto and Cana were drinking fast, strong and hard. Three bottles of Vodka had been consumed and Cana looked like she hadn't drank at all, the blonde however looked like he was about to pass out.
"Haha, one more drink and you'll pass out!" Cana smirked as Zabuza poured Naruto once more.
"Whooo thaaa fuck are youuu?!" Naruto slurred as he glared at Cana, he was really drunk.
Cana just smirked as Naruto gulped down Vodka and then fell to the floor on his face!
"C-CANA WON!"
"YAY!"
"I'M RICH!"
"NARUTO GET UP, BRAT! I BET ALL MY MONEY ON YOU!" Zabuza yelled at Naruto.
Cana just smirked but then her eyes widened when she saw Naruto get up.
"Huh? Enough of this shiiit!" Naruto said intoxicated, "A fewww drinkkks don't phase me... damn Cana you're so hawwt, ahh I gotta pee!" Naruto tried unzipping his pants but couldn't, so he did what any man would do, he snatched the bottle of Vodka that Zabuza had in his hand and he gulped it all down, causing everyone's eyes to widen.
"Time to briiing thisss shiit up to thaaa next level!"
Cana growled and snapped, "Bring me a bottle too!"
Zabuza nodded and took out ten bottles of Vodka, Cana grabbed one and started gulping it all down, Naruto finished his and grabbed another, it was now a battle of bottles, who would drink the most bottles before passing out?!
Many bottles later... Cana was feeling hot, and well aroused, not only that but for the first time in a long time she felt excited, it seemed Naruto was pushing her to her drinking limit. Damn, how hot he looked drinking from the bottle. Cana however smirked when she saw that Naruto was struggling to drink.
"Z-Zabu-chan... I don't think...i'm gonna make it!"
"BRAT, DON'T GIVE UP NOW!"
"I-I seeeee the lighhtttt, ohhhh it's so brightt!"
"NOOO, NARUTOOOO!"
"Ahhh shut up before I KaMeHaMeHa your ass!"
"Grr, I dare you punk!"
Naruto did an odd position and he put his palms together before yelling, "KAAAAMEEEEEHAAAAAMEEEEHAAAAAA!"
".." Silence.
"S-Shit, my attack didn't work, it's nooot working, I'll try again!"
"IDIOT! IT WON'T WORK BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GOKU!"
"Oh, right! I'm Luffyyy and I'm gonna be the pirate king!"
"JUST DRINK!" Zabuza snapped as he shoved a bottle into the blonde's mouth, the blonde started drinking again, until he started seeing darkness.
Cana too was starting to black out, she was biting her lips to stay awake, she noticed Naruto walk up to her and he did something that surprised her, he kissed her lips, she felt as he hot tongue entered her mouth, and she couldn't help but like it, she started sucking on it, and before it could continue Naruto pulled free.
"Y-You win..." Naruto spoke as he fell to the floor, he had passed out.
Cana grinned before she too passed out seconds later.
Zabuza laughed evilly as he took out a marker and said, "KUKUKU, TIME FOR REVENGE!" as he walked towards Naruto...
[Scene Change]
When Naruto woke up he didn't know where he was at, other than that he was in bed... with Cana.
"You're finally awake!" Cana grinned as she looked at him.
"Aghh, my head... what happened last night?!"
"Hmm, you fucked me after you woke up from your pass out."
Naruto blinked and Cana smirked, "I bet you can't make me orgasm again!"
Naruto blinked once more before he spoke, "See, I have a principle I live by, once I sleep with a woman, I don't sleep with her again."
Cana uncovered herself, and Naruto's eyes widened as he saw her and all her glory.
"Fuck it, these principles can go to hell!"
Cana smirked, "If you can't make me orgasm, you have to buy me breakfast!"
"DEAL!" And so Cana's and Naruto's rivalry began!
Zabuza... When he woke up, he woke up outside of the bar, two babes on top of him, he quickly got up and his eyes widened when he saw the bar.
Well what was left of it anyways, because it was all burned down.
Zabuza then looked at the ground and written in paint was: "Bartenders From Hell, bitches!"
"Poor bastard whoever owned this bar!" Zabuza spoke as he looked at the burned down bar.
"I should probably get the fuck out of here!" Zabuza said but then he shrugged his shoulders, and went back to sleeping with the two hot babes he woke up with.
Life sure is interesting with that Uzumaki. Was his last thought as he drifted to sleep.
Note: WHAT DO YOU THINK? I ACTUALLY HAD FUN WRITING THIS CHAPTER, AND I DID NOT HAVE IT PLANNED OUT, I DID NOT KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA DO THIS CHAPPIE, SO IT JUST HAPPENED, LOL SEEMED NARUTO FAILED HIS FIRST ODD JOBS, SLEPT WITH CANA, GAVE A DUDE BAD ADVICE, AND FAILED TO ASK A PORN STAR FOR HER STAGE NAME LOLOL, I was gonna write a lemon ya know Naruto and Cana, but decided not to, all in due time I guess!
So I hope you enjoyed
Stay Dandy!