Chapter Twenty

"Let go of me" Naomi shouted as she fought against Sam's hold on her.

"So you can run away? I don't think so. We need to talk".

"The practice is going to open in half an hour; I have to get ready" Naomi whined.

"The sooner you stop fighting me and talk to me, the sooner I'll let you go".

Naomi squirmed. She wanted her ex-husband's hands off of her; they were affecting her more than he knew. How could she not react to Sam being so close after spilling her guts about him? She tried a different approach. "Where was all this bravado in the conference room? You had nothing to say then".

"I was having a hard time processing what you said; I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around it. But I couldn't let you drop an atomic bomb on me and walk away" Sam explained. He bowed his head and tried to gather himself. "Naomi…what you said…."

"It doesn't matter what I said" Naomi quickly interceded. "It's in the past".

Sam looked up again, his gaze so intense, Naomi felt like her eyeballs were incinerating. "Why didn't you tell me"?

"I didn't tell anyone".

"I'm not just anyone Naomi. Why didn't you tell me"?

"I don't see why…"

"NAOMI" Sam yelled, gripping her waist tighter to get her full undivided attention. "Please don't make this difficult. I just want to know why" he begged, a hint of desperation in his voice.

Naomi stopped moving, stopped fighting against him. His quiet fury was unnerving. "Sam…I…I came to terms with my feelings too late. You were already in love with Addison. And you still are in love with Addison" she said quietly. No matter how many times she said that, it never got any easier. There was a small part of Naomi that would always ache when she thought about Sam and Addison as a couple. Today, it was even worse. After rehashing her old feelings, all of her emotions had become so overwhelming, Naomi felt like she was about suffocate from them. She turned away from Sam and bit her lip, trying to hold it together.

Sam felt his body begin to tremble; from rage or some other emotion, he wasn't sure. Naomi should have told him how she felt! So many different scenarios played through his head of what might have happened if she did. "If you just told me…" he began.

Forget holding it together. Naomi had had enough; why did Sam and everyone else feel like they were entitled to know what she was feeling? They didn't have to wake up every morning with her emotions. "Nothing would have changed" Naomi yelled, looking back at him. "I would've still been the pathetic ex-wife watching the man she loved be with her best friend. The only difference would've been everyone would've known how pathetic I was. Is that what you're upset about; that you and Addison didn't get to rub it in my face"?

"No, I'm upset because you were in pain and I had no idea" Sam said gruffly, swallowing his urge to yell back. He knew his ex-wife better than anyone; she was purposely trying to provoke him to distract him. But Sam was laser focused. They were going to get to the bottom of this.

"Your concern is nice Sam, truly" Naomi said sarcastically. "But like I said, it wouldn't have changed anything. A confession wouldn't have made you magically love me; especially when you've never loved me before".

Sam grunted, shaking his head in aggravation. Was he going to have to strangle Naomi to make her see reason? "I knew you didn't believe me that day I dropped Isaiah off for the first time. I practically bared my soul to you, told you how much I loved you, and you still didn't believe me; you let one slick comment by Addison, said in anger, convince you the love we once shared was completely nonexistent. Does over a decade of marriage and two children count for nothing Naomi? What is it going to take to convince you that my feelings for you were not only real, but deep? I loved you to my very core".

Angry tears spilled down Naomi's face. Sam looked so genuine; she desperately wanted to believe what he was saying. But actions spoke louder than words. "Convincing me would involve you not winding up with Addison twenty years down the road. Convincing me would entail you not seducing me, whispering so many sweet things in my ear, having sex with me and then leaving me high and dry the next morning with a baby in my uterus" Naomi almost screamed. Through ragged and uneven breaths, she continued. "That's not love Sam, that's torture".

"I didn't get with Addison to torture you; it just happened, Naomi. I never meant to hurt you" Sam sighed sadly. "As for the other, I honestly don't know what you're talking about. I was drunk, how could I have possibly seduced you" Sam rambled on, completely lost. A second later, it clicked. Naomi admitted she hadn't been drunk in New York which meant…"You remember" Sam exclaimed. "What happened? What did I say"?

The tears started streaming faster as fresh pain washed over Naomi. Sam had always said he didn't remember what happened, but a tiny part of Naomi's subconscious always wondered if he was lying. Now she knew he wasn't; Naomi could see the cloud of confusion in Sam's eyes. He really didn't remember. She bit her lip again to keep it from quivering.

Sam tried to reach up and wipe away her tears but Naomi's hand blocked him. "Naomi" he said softly. "What happened"?

Naomi pierced Sam with an acrimonious look. "Do you really want to know" she asked bitterly.

"Yes" Sam answered immediately.

"You were all over me from the minute I opened the door; you grabbed me and literally wouldn't let go. Getting anything out of you was like pulling teeth; that's how drunk you were. The more questions I asked, the tighter you clung. I tried to push you down on the couch to get some sleep, but you just pulled me right down with you…and…" Naomi stuttered. "And you kissed me. I had to use all my strength, emotionally and physically, to detach myself from you". Naomi looked away, not sure if she could continue.

There was no way Sam was hearing Naomi right; instead of a mutual lapse in judgment, Naomi was making it sound like he had been the aggressor. Sam peered closer at her face, felt her body trembling underneath his touch. A sense of dread filled Sam. He could feel that Naomi was telling the truth. He squeezed her waist a little tighter, urged her to keep going. "Tell me" he whispered.

Naomi looked back into his eyes. "You have no idea how hard it was to push you away when I wanted you so badly. But I knew better; I knew sleeping with you would mean everything to me and nothing to you". A sob escaped Naomi's lips; her face was a weepy mess but she get kept talking, the events of that night tumbling out. "I went to the kitchen to make you coffee, hoping I could sober you up enough to send you on your way. But you being the stubborn drunk man you were, followed me and pinned me against the counter". Another sob escaped. "I can't talk about this anymore" Naomi cried.

Sam reached for Naomi's face again and this time she didn't object. He wiped away her tears but fresh ones kept appearing. "Please tell me" he begged. "I know I can't make it right but…" Sam's voice faltered. He wanted so badly to comfort her, to make her feel better but it was impossible. How could he take away Naomi's pain when he was the one who caused it?

"You're right Sam, you can't make it right" Naomi sniffled, trying to wrangle in her emotions and tears. "Because I did this to myself; if I had stood my ground and sent you packing, I wouldn't have gotten myself into such a mess. I fought like hell but I was too weak to keep fending off your constant attacks. I even tried to remind you of Addison; I told you the love of your life was three thousand miles away. Do you know how you replied"?

His heart began pounding in his ears. "No" Sam replied slowly.

Naomi's pain and sadness was beginning to turn into anger. She had never blamed Sam for any of his actions, no matter how much they had hurt her. He had been drunk and unaware of what he was doing. Naomi figured her own bad decisions had caused her the most pain. But now all the repressed anger, that had been unknowingly building for over three years, was rising to the surface. Suddenly everything felt like Sam's fault. "You said…'No, she's not. She's standing right here'. You broke through my defenses, destroyed my last barrier. And then you had the nerve to fuck me all night. The way you looked at me…the way you whispered sweet things in my ear…the way you touched me…" Naomi shook her head. "You actually had me believing that you wanted me back, that you loved me. Imagine my surprise when I woke up alone". Naomi thought that if she ever confessed what she had felt, she would die of embarrassment and the look of pity in other's eyes. That wasn't the case. Instead, she was enraged. A cloudy haze of red light distorted her vision.

Sam was at a loss for words. If the waves of painful emotions weren't coming off Naomi's body and assaulting him, he would've called her a liar without hesitating. Still, he had a hard time believing he'd said those things. While Sam still loved and cared about Naomi, always would, he wasn't in love with her anymore. He loved Addison, plain and simple. The large amounts of alcohol clearly had done a number on him. God, he felt so guilty. If Naomi had pulled a similar stunt on him when…Sam cleared the thought from his head. "Naomi…I didn't mean to…I panicked…I didn't remember…I don't know what to…I'm so so so sorry…"

"I don't want your apology" Naomi spat, pushing against Sam's chest. "An apology won't take away the nights I cried myself to sleep or change how hard it was to get up in the morning; that is when I could manage to get up. Some days I physically could not get out of bed Sam! You broke me almost beyond repair" she yelled, shoving harder against him.

"Naomi…please…just give me a chance…"

"This conversation is over. Let me go Sam".

"Naomi…please".

"What Sam" Naomi interrupted again, getting even louder. She traded in her shoves for punches and began beating Sam's chest. "Now you have all the gory details of how you nearly destroyed me. I don't care how sorry you are or how bad you feel. You will never understand how much it hurt…"

It was Sam's turn to interrupt Naomi. "That's where you're wrong Naomi" Sam said, anger bursting from him unexpectedly; he grabbed Naomi's forearms to keep her from hitting him. "I might not know exactly what you went through but I definitely understand what it feels like to hurt by the one you love most".

"Oh yeah" Naomi said hostilely. "What did Addison do to you"?

"She didn't do anything. It was YOU" Sam shouted. "It was you I couldn't get over. We were divorced but I couldn't get you out of my head; I would go home and dream about you. Almost immediately following our divorce, I knew I'd fucked up and I wanted you back".

Naomi temporarily stopped moving, stopped breathing. "You're lying".

"No, I'm not Naomi".

"I don't believe you".

Sam slowly looked up and down the length of his ex-wife's body, remembering how he used to yearn for her. "It's true Naomi. There were days where I dreaded coming to the office because it literally hurt to be so close to you without being able to touch you or kiss you. Or even simpler things, like making you smile; I loved seeing the way your eyes lit up when you smiled. But I couldn't do that anymore. Instead, I sat back suffering in silence as I witnessed other men make you smile."

Naomi felt a little dizzy, not knowing what to think. Her anger was replaced with bewilderment. Sam could be really persuasive when he wanted to be; his words gave Naomi pause. But her stubbornness didn't allow her to fully trust what he was saying. "Even if you're telling the truth…then the same question you keep asking me applies to you. Why didn't you say anything" Naomi asked, her guard going up. "And how does that possibly compare to what you put me through"?

"Because it was clear…" Sam's voiced cracked. "…it was clear that whatever you were looking for wasn't me. That knowledge by itself…it nearly destroyed me Naomi. I know it doesn't compare to what you went through, but remembering how I felt, it's not hard to imagine what you're feeling. If you had given me one night, just one night full of your time and attention, and then taken it away…I don't think…I KNOW I wouldn't have recovered". Sam finally released his hold on Naomi to rub his eyes, which had become itchy, pink, and swollen from holding back his own tears.

"Well, be thankful you didn't have to experience it" Naomi said genuinely, more conflicted than ever. Part of her wanted to slap Sam for making her feel compassion for him in the midst of her own grief; the other half wanted to pull him close and comfort him. Why couldn't their relationship, no matter what kind it was, ever be simple? "I wouldn't recommend it for anyone, not even my worst enemy".

"And I would have never put you through hell knowingly Naomi. Even if you won't let me apologize, you have to believe that" Sam pleaded desperately.

Naomi sighed and looked down at the ground. Here head ached and her face felt puffy from crying; she felt like crying again. "I do believe you Sam but it doesn't make it any easier. When you've been hurt as deeply as I have…"

Sam grasped her waist again, drew her eyes back to him. "I have to say it. I'm sorry Naomi, I'm truly sorry. If I had known…."

"We would all do things differently if we had known" Naomi said, finishing Sam's thought. She backed up a few steps and sighed. Everything was such a mess. The only dilemma Naomi had had earlier was deciding how she was going to announce her departure from Oceanside Wellness. Fast-forward a couple hours, and now Naomi was faced with more skeletons bursting out of her closet; they were having a good time too, laughing and dancing in her face. She felt like a fool for deluding herself into thinking she's moved past such a hard time in her life; while she had gotten over Sam, the pain and anger, Naomi also thought she'd worked through, was still there in abundance with no hope of being repressed again. What was she going to do?

Naomi's vision suddenly sharpened into focus; her thoughts fell into place with startling clarity. Drastic changes needed to be made. Not only did she need to distance herself from the practice, but from anything that would hold her back. Naomi looked deep into Sam's eyes, picking their conversation back up. "Unfortunately Sam, we didn't know any better and it landed us in this impossible predicament. I've been trying so hard to keep my sanity, take the blows as they come, but I've reached the bottom. I have nothing left to draw on and I can't keep pretending everything is fine when it isn't. In January, when I leave the practice, I need a fresh start".

"What does that mean" Sam asked cautiously, not liking what Naomi was implying.

"It means I can't live in the past anymore. I thought I had moved on from all of this but clearly I haven't. Just talking about it today has opened up old wounds that I'm not sure ever really healed in the first place. I can't go back and forth, up and down like this. I need to get rid of anything in my life that's not healthy for me, anything that will keep me from forgetting my past".

Sam stepped into Naomi's personal space as if being nearer to her would help him understand. "If I didn't know any better, I would think that included me".

"To some degree, it does Sam. Trying to be friends was a bad idea; there's too much history between us. If it wasn't this, it would have been something else that made our supposed friendship crash and burn". Naomi immediately wanted to take her words back and tell Sam they would get through this rough patch together; but deep down, she knew she was doing the right thing. Sam was the source of too much of her pain and if he was telling the truth, she was the cause of his. However, it didn't change how much she was going to miss their closeness.

Sam shook his head vehemently in protest, refusing to accept what he was hearing.

"We'll always be in each other's life Sam. We have children" Naomi continued, ignoring his silent rebuttal and her own doubts. "But I think we should just focus on being parents and not friends. You know it's the right thing to do".

"No…no…NO" Sam yelled at the top of his lungs. He grabbed Naomi's waist and pinned her against the wall. "It's not the right thing. We've been through too much, worked too hard to just give up like this. I know things have been rough lately, and this doesn't help, but Naomi….you can't just run away like this. We can get through this like we've gotten through everything else. Stay and fight for our friendship and for this practice. Let's right the ship together".

Naomi felt her whole body heat up from Sam's intensity, but she managed to match is edge. "Have we really gotten through things or have we just swept them under the rug? Sam, I'm not running away, I choosing to walk away. Jake and I are starting a new practice. That is what's right for me. This practice is no longer my home".

"Jake?! You're starting a practice with him? So, he's the reason you're leaving" Sam presumed, getting even angrier.

"No, he's not Sam. He gave me a sales pitch but at the end of the day, I'm doing this for me. Jake just presented an opportunity that I happened to like".

"Don't do this to us" Sam begged.

"There is no 'us' Sam" Naomi said, exasperated. "'Us' was a long time ago; our season has peaked. It's time to find a new one".

No" Sam, said hoarsely, his voice raw with physical and emotional pain. "You can't get rid of me that easily. If you insist on doing this, I want an explanation because I don't understand Naomi. Why can't we still be friends? It's not like you're still in love with me".

Naomi's eyes widened in shock before her rage reignited and her eyes closed into dangerous slits. "You have some nerve".

"That's not nerve, that a fact. You're not in love with me so if we work…." Sam stopped midsentence. There was a hesitation and uncertainly in Naomi's eyes before her face hardened again. It was blink-and-you'll-miss-it brief, but it was there. Sam's hands slowly slid up Naomi's body until his thumbs pressed into her ribcage. In a low deep voice, he asked "Am I wrong? Do you still love me"?

"I just want to move on with my life Sam. Why can't you fucking get that? Sometimes, doing the hardest thing is the best thing. Don't you want to be happy too Sam? Or should I say even happier. You can ride off into the sunset with Addison, have some babies, and stop feeling guilty over me. And I can open the new practice with Jake, find what makes me happy. Please don't make this difficult; we've already made it harder than it needed to be over the years. There; there's your explanation" Naomi ranted.

Sam studied Naomi's defensive body language; he knew she'd mentioned Jake again to distract him…yet again but, no matter how much he wanted to ask about their relationship, Sam refused to be deterred. Naomi must've forgotten that he knew all of her classic avoidance tricks. "You didn't answer my question. Are you still in love with me" Sam asked again, his heart racing, not sure if he truly wanted an answer.

The air was sucked out of Naomi's lungs. Her chest rose and fell so hard, it began to hurt. But she didn't drop Sam's piercing gaze. They stared at each other for so long, they lost track of time. Naomi didn't know what made her finally answer. It was hard to get the word out of her throat, but when it rose, it was with force and conviction. "No".

Sam blew out a breath in relief, though for some reason his chest still felt tight.

"Well, now that I've been humiliated enough for the day, would you kindly take your hands off of me" Naomi said civilly, though underneath the surface was a volcano ready to explode and spew hot lava all over Sam. "I think I'll go home for the day".

Sam dropped his hands. "Naomi…"

"Don't bother Sam" Naomi spat, shoving against his chest to create some space between them. "You have a wonderful day" she added as she pushed past him and froze in her tracks. The rest of the practice was standing a couple hundred feet down the hallway. From their pained expressions and uncomfortable body language, she knew they'd witnessed her and Sam's entire exchange. "I take that back. Now, I've been sufficiently humiliated" she gasped between labored breathing before running down the hall, past the elevators, and into the stairwell.

Sam turned around, too angry and heartbroken to be embarrassed. But when he saw Addison's tearstained face, he knew his troubles weren't over. As the other doctors dispersed, they slowly walked toward each other and met in the middle. He gently reached for her hands and enfolded them in his. "Addison, please tell me you understand".

Earlier, in the conference room, Addison had wondered how she was going to deal with her and Naomi potentially being love with the same man. Listening to the conversation that had just occurred between Naomi and Sam had given her quick answer. Addison sniffled and nodded. "I understand perfectly. You're still in love with her".

"WHAT" Sam shouted. "No Addison, you've got it all wrong. I love you".

Addison desperately wished she was wrong; but the blinders had been taken off and she could see he whole picture clearly. Yet, despite what had just happened, Addison loved Sam. She couldn't just magically fall out of love with him. If she could, things would be so much easier. Her heart wouldn't feel like it was ripping in half; she wouldn't have to confront the horrible things she'd said and the way she'd acted over the last few months. Because deep down, Addison had known the truth all along; not only was Sam still in love with Naomi, he'd never gotten over her to begin with. He'd practically admitted it while arguing with Naomi, though Addison was sure he didn't realize it. But she'd known; Addison had predicted, and actually hoped, they'd find their way back to each other before she ever fell for Sam. After she had gotten with Sam, she'd silently dreaded it. But now that her worst fear had come true, Addison had no choice but to face it. "Those things you said to her, the way she described the way you looked at her, touched her, kissed her…you said she was the love of your life".

"I don't remember, I was drunk. You can't hold things I said while I was drunk against me" Sam argued.

"If there's one thing I know about alcohol, it's a natural truth serum. People tend to say things they wouldn't when they're sober".

"Not in this case Addison, I promise. You're the love of my life, I'm in love with you" Sam implored.

Addison looked into Sam's puppy dog eyes, wishing the words coming out of his mouth were true. She felt like crumpling into a tiny ball right in the middle of the hallway and crying her sorrows away. "I know you love me Sam, truly; but I'm not the love of your life. Naomi is; and no matter how much you love me, you never have and never will love me the way you love Naomi. It's time I stopped fighting so hard against the inevitable".

"What inevitable" Sam asked.

"That you and Naomi belong together".

"That's not true Addison, I belong with you".

"Sam" Addison blew out on a gust of air that could've been a laugh or strangled cry. "Ask any other doctor what they just witnessed in this hallway and they'll tell you the same thing. You just spent the last twenty minutes telling Naomi how much you love her; you couldn't even keep your hands off her".

Sam squeezed Addison's hands harder, trying not to get frustrated. "Okay, I can see how that could be misconstrued. But we were talking about the past, not the present".

"You begged her not to leave" Addison pointed out.

"Because she's a part of this practice and my best friend; I'll always care for her just like you'll always care for Derek".

"Yeah, but I don't need Derek by my side every day to function, like you apparently need Naomi. We live our lives separately and most times when we call each other, it's for surgery consults; it's rarely personal. We also don't have children to tie us together".

"What are you talking about Addison? Naomi was gone for over a year and I functioned just fine".

"No you didn't Sam" Addison screamed. "You went to New York and got so drunk you couldn't see straight and fucked her! You know, this whole time I've been concentrating on figuring out why you slept with Naomi. I never stopped to ask myself why you got drunk in the first place. Was it because you missed Naomi? Was it driving you crazy to be so close to her and not talk to her"?

"That's ridiculous" Sam yelled back. "I was with some old friends from college. We just got to talking and got carried away".

"Talking about what" Addison asked.

Sam hesitated. If he told Addison what they talked about, it would only feed into her outlandish theory. He would never be able to explain his way out of their dilemma if he told Addison his boys had teased him mercilessly for letting Naomi get away. Addison would automatically assume he'd started drinking because of the teasing when they had already started drinking way before that part in the conversation. "Just life Addison, nothing special or important" Sam replied vaguely.

"I see" Addison said quietly. She took a deep breath. "Look, I love you Sam; so much, it hurts. But I've been deluding myself thinking we could ever work. And you and Naomi have been deluding yourselves by thinking you were ever over each other. This relationship of ours has to end; it's finished".

Sam dropped Addison's hands and grabbed her waist, drawing her close to him. "No, Addison. This can't be the end; everything was fine this morning. We're supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. And what about having a baby? We were supposed to start in-vitro next week".

Addison choked back tears. "Sam, stop being stubborn and be honest with yourself. You don't want another baby, at least not with me. I think the only reason you finally gave in is because you felt so guilty for enjoying your time with Isaiah".

"That's not true…Addison…." Sam stuttered, trying to find the right words.

"Just stop it Sam" Addison pleaded. "This is already hard enough. I compromised myself for you; got so caught up in being with you, I lost all reason. I became a mad woman who tried to use every tool at her disposal to keep you. Some of the things I've said and done to justify being with you…the way I've treated Naomi…I didn't realize…" Addison covered her mouth with her hand as sobs escaped. It was finally settling in just how ruined her friendship with Naomi was. The damage was so extensive; Addison knew it would be virtually impossible to repair it. The hole in her heart that she had been ignoring opened wider as she realized just how much she missed and had mistreated her best friend. How had their lives gotten so far off track?

"I don't love Naomi, not in that way" Sam whispered. "I love you".

Addison laid her hands on Sam's chest. "Yes, you do. And she loves you".

"She's with Jake".

"It won't last, she loves you" Addison repeated.

"No she doesn't. You just saw me ask her and heard her say no. That part of our relationship has been over for a long time. According to Naomi, we can't even be friends anymore".

"She's lying to you and herself; she's not ready to face the truth just like you" Addison said, no doubt in her mind. "Naomi and I might not be in a good place, but I can see clearer now. I still know her well enough to know when she's lying". Addison let out a dry laugh. "This whole situation is so ironic. I mistakenly convinced Naomi that she was second choice; that you were only with her because I turned you down. It turns out, the exact opposite is true".

"I don't understand".

"You were only with me because you couldn't have her. If Naomi had taken you back right after the divorce, we would have never happened. So while Naomi thinks you belong to me, the truth is you belong to her. I never had you, not even these two and half years we were dating. You settled for me, not her".

"Addison…"

"Don't Sam. Don't try to placate me or make me feel better. If you're so insistent on us staying together, than tell me I'm lying. Tell me that even if Naomi had given you another chance, it wouldn't have worked out; that some way, we would've wound up together".

Sam couldn't. He knew beyond the shadow of doubt that if Naomi had even looked in his direction, he would've pulled her to him and never let her go. Night after night, for over a year, he had dreamed of Naomi coming back to him, of them picking up where the left off. Not able to meet Addison's gaze anymore, he looked down and remained silent.

"That's what I thought" Addison whispered, tears streaming down her face. She gently lifted Sam's chin, forced him to look at her. "I love you Sam. And despite my recent behavior, I love Naomi. I want you two to be happy. I hope you guys don't take too long to come to your senses. And in the meantime, I have to reevaluate my life and go find my own happiness". Addison kissed him on the cheek. "Good bye Sam" she said quietly, before she pulled away and walked down the hall, leaving Sam standing alone wondering what had gone wrong.