Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.

PART II

CHAPTER FIVE

BLACK-EYE PART TWO

Having borrowed Ruby's car, Emma headed to Marine Drive whereupon she didn't have to go far. It was there she found Henry being sternly lectured by David and Hook being yelled at by an irate Smee whom she vaguely remembered had taken out a loan from Gold to buy the fishing boat of the guy Cora turned into a fish - as later discovered from a dock security camera no one ever checked - and never came back, perhaps because someone accidentally caught and ate him. Ew.

All of the yelling had to do with the Bug teetering on the side of the boat and the dozens of lobster traps scattered about with very unhappy lobsters in them. The yellow Volkswagen was clearly going to need serious front end work, the boat appeared to be taking on water, and Hook was now sporting a rather serious-looking gash through his right eyebrow, dabbing at it with a monogrammed handkerchief. Henry, thankfully, appeared to have only a small cut on chin, because if he was badly injured she wouldn't be able to yell at him for his second and apparently successful attempt at 'borrowing' her car.

"Do I even want to ask?" Emma grated as she joined them.

"Emma!" Hook beamed, "you're all right!"

She could have held her temper in check. Instead, she walked up to him, remarked, "And you're hurt. Here, let me see that..." And when took her remark as concern and affection and leaned closer - Emma punched him square in the eye.

"AHHHH!" Hook howled. "What the blood hell, Swan!? Now it'll never heal right!"

"NO ONE BORROWS MY CAR WITHOUT ASKING!" Emma sneered. "And good. Maybe that'll save other emotionally vulnerable women from being swayed by your charms if you're hideously disfigured!"

Hook leered and wagged his non-injured brow, "In my experience women love scars."

"Do you want me to add scolding hot coffee to that eye, Hook?"

Grimacing, Hook whined in his defense, "Borrowing your vessel was the lad's idea."

"Not to let you drive, you dirty pirate!" Henry growled.

"I'll have you know that I bathe regularly!"

Emma punched Hook in the arm and he howled.

"What the-?"

"You bathe more than regularly! You used all the hot water at the Inn this morning! And yet you still stink of rum and that damned cologne."

"It's a lovely scent. And Milah stole it for me from the Sultan of Agraba."

"Yeah, well, Milah's been dead for centuries and you're so over her that you wanted to get in my pants the moment we met, so I think it's time to toss it overboard and try something that doesn't smell like camel piss."

"Thank you," sighed David. "I've met sheep who smelled better."

"Hey! At least I don't put on whatever froo-froo shite some woman tells me to and sleep in sheets with little roses on them... well, not intentionally, anyway, but Granny threatened me with her crossbow when I remarked about it."

"Well, maybe if you did, you wouldn't be sleeping in a bed alone at Granny's!" David retorted, then rethought that remark. "Wait, no, forget I said that..."

Before the pirate could come up with a witty and sexually suggestive response so Emma could punch him in the eye again, Regina's Mercedes pulled up and the currently ex-Mayor who was trying to look like a normal citizen in jeans and a cardigan bellowed furiously, "HENRY DANIEL MILLS, YOU GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Henry managed a pathetic 'help me' look at Emma which was met with a 'if you think you're afraid of her punishment, just wait until later' look.

The kid's shoulders slumped and he skulked toward the car. Regina put him in the passenger side and then stalked up to then, glared at Hook and sneered at David, "This is your fault, you idiot, for teaching a twelve year old child to drive - down a crowded street - in the middle of the day - just because you were worried your were out-sex-appealed by a man with one hand and more eye make-up than me, Emma, and your wife combined!"

"I am sexy," Hook piped up.

"SHUT UP!" all three shouted.

David defended, "Hook was driving. I don't really see-"

"Really?" Regina cut him off. "You are going to defend any instance in which my son snuck out of your home and went joyriding in a barely street worthy, airbag-less death trap with an unlicensed, one-handed, alcoholic who calls cars 'land ships?"

"Erm..."

"You are hereby suspended indefinitely from the Sheriff's Department! Hand over your badge and gun."

"But...," sputtered David, "you resigned at the party last night and told Mary Margaret that she was in charge since she cast this curse..."

"That was a preemptive resignation taking effect when Mary Margaret's maternity leave ends in six weeks. I am still Mayor and even if the actual elected Sheriff objects-"

"I don't," said Emma.

Smirking, Regina ordered, "Go home, Charming. In this world, men take paternity leave and change diapers. No damsel saving or high speed chasing for six weeks. And if the wife gets tired of you, go hang out with your Dwarfs."

Properly castigated and emasculated, David gave a helpless look toward Hook then handed Emma his badge and gun.

"Emma, I'm sorry," he pleaded. "Your mother and I... we never meant to hurt you, for you to be burdened like this. I know... I know the price of that was to lose you, and I know you suffered far worse for it than we did-"

"Damn right," she cut him off, "and I am not ready to talk about this let alone be okay with it. Go home. Go home and make sure you don't screw things up with another kid."

Emma handed him Ruby's keys and concluded with, "I'll have Tillman send a tow truck."

After David departed and Emma as awkwardly pulled on David's shoulder holster and tucked his badge in her pocket, Hook uttered, "So... can I go to the hospital before I bleed out?"

Regina made a disgusted sound and Emma answered, "In a minute. Also, you're under arrest."

He pouted. "Awwww, again? You know I'll just pick my way out of the handcuffs and cell, luv!"

Emma glared. "Not if I strip you naked and the only thing you have to pick the lock with is your mascara-enhanced lashes!"

Regina snorted at that while Hook leered, "Well, anything that involves getting naked with-"

Emma got very close, her voice very cold and she punctuated every line. "Again, I am not now nor will I ever be your 'love' of any kind. The fact that you believe a green-skinned psychopath who wanted to erase me from existence on the fatedness of our 'true love' is a sign that you need some serious therapy... or syphilis ate your brain."

Emma shoved him into the back of the patrol car.

"What about my boat and my lobsters?" whined Smee.

Regina gave an over-dramatic sigh and waved her hand, poofing the lobster traps back to the dock, the Bug to the ally, and repaired the crumpled side of the boat. But not the car's bashed in front or leaky fuel line.

Arms re-crossed, Regina turned toward Emma and raised a brow, "And here I thought you were doodling little 'Emma plus Killian' hearts on your expense reports."

Scowling, Emma retorted, "I think I accidentally inhaled some pixie dust in Neverland. Getting my magic taken away by a chauvinist jackass who could have gotten my son killed for a second time and has damaged my car is not exactly romantic. And thanks for repairing everything except my car."

"The car is a disgusting death trap that smells like dirty Ugg boots and Hook's camel urine cologne. I was hoping it would inspire you to replace it. How did you even end up with it?"

"I stole it," Emma shot back. "And it is not a death trap or smelly - pirate cologne notwithstanding. It's one of the few personal possessions I actually have since I grew up completely alone and dirt poor thanks to you. But, hey, you got Henry who 'saved you'," she scoffed, "so it was all worth it, right? Well, thanks for freeing us all from Pan with your fucked up perception of motherhood and redemption, but I'll take the parenting from here!"

Regina sputtered. "Excuse me? I gave you a year with Henry that included memories of a life raising him! Now I have to contend with him remembering your parenting style which is clearly the reason he is doing things like stealing cars with pirates!"

"Are you kidding me!? Henry was sneaking around and breaking into and stealing shit long before I came into his life, or do you remember how he got me to Storybrooke in the first place!? And my parenting style is entirely based on your psycho memories of emotional neglect and gaslighting!"

"Well, at least I didn't give him a genetic predisposition to thievery!"

"Well, better than the genetic predisposition to sociopathy and mass murder that your mother passed down to you and your sister! Also, you're both sexual predators, so, bonus points for that!"

While Regina gaped, Emma opened the Mercedes' door and ordered Henry, "In the front of the squad car. Now."

Henry looked warily between the two women, Regina's fingers twitching in that fire-ball-conjuring way. Emma glared. He got in the car.

Emma pressed, "You sent Henry with David when you realized that you were a fucked up person who didn't know how to love. But you said 'fuck it' to therapy and accountability after my mother killed your mother, because... I don't know... that somehow evens the score in the Enchanted Forest. Well, this isn't the Enchanted Forest, Regina, where being an asshole makes you a victim. Cora left her baby in the woods, poisoned my grandmother, married you off to the guy she once fucked and had you tutored in evil by the other guy she once fucked as part of some plot to manipulate his curse in order to bump him off and become the Dark One. She manipulated you into drinking a sterility potion while making you think she actually was trying to help you, which is bullshit because she didn't have a heart when she was pregnant with you so how the fuck could she even know what motherhood felt like?"

While Regina looked shocked and unnerved that Emma knew about her infertility, Emma continued, "Your mother was a complete batshit crazy cunt, Regina, who deserved to be killed in self defense of my family. And the only reason I am not going to exercise my legal custody of Henry that you 'gifted' me with by taking out a restraining order against you is that Eva was a stone-cold bitch who got off on tripping peasants and gave my mother a fucked up perfection complex that has ruined my life as much as your selfish revenge shit."

Crossing her arms, Emma concluded, "But that doesn't mean you get to determine Henry's punishments. Or drag him along on your creepy dates with Sir Robin of Fucksley who probably won't even give a shit that your murdered his wife, which should make you seriously rethink that soulmate bullshit!"

"Wait," Regina interrupted her, "I what?"

"Killed Marian. Had her executed for protecting my mother," Emma retorted. "Did you think Tinkerbell said you ruined both of your lives by Robin getting happily married and having a kid?"

"I... I..." stammered Regina.

"And don't even try to argue that you're a good person because Henry says so," Emma continued. "I am sending him back to therapy, because this brainwashed 'you're not evil, you're my mom' stuff is not healthy. And don't even argue that Robin's opinion matters because of that soulmate bullshit because any guy who has been trapped in the woods with a bunch of men for thirty years would say that to any woman. I'd wager that if he's into you after knowing you were the Evil Queen who ordered mass murders of the innocent people he was stealing for, then he'll be willing to overlook a little wife-murdering. Just hope he stole enough to pay for Roland's therapy when the kid finds out Daddy married Mommy's killer."

Not leaving Regina time to respond to that, Emma got in the patrol care where Hook and Henry were bickering, each blaming the other for their situation. Hook definitely won the childish pouting as Emma started the engine and peeled away from the constipated-looking former Evil Queen.

"What'd you say to her?" inquired Hook after a moment. "Looks like she swallowed a whole bag of those awful candies you made me think were headache medicine."

"I didn't make you think anything," Emma said and with a sidelong glance at Henry and a grimace, "I told her that she murdered Robin's wife."

Henry's stony teenage expression slipped and he sputtered, "Mom killed Marian?"

"Had her executed for harboring the fugitive Snow White. Apparently, she faked her death during some theft because she worried Robin and Roland would become targets and hoped that when Snow White overthrew Regina, they would be reunited."

Hook made a whistling sound and declared, "That is messed up. Courting the fellow whose wife you murdered and inserting yourself as his kid's new mother? I knew Regina was evil, but..."

Turning to glare at Hook, Henry snapped, "Says the dirty pirate who slept with my grandmother for seven years, sold my Dad out to a child-abusing demon out of spite, tried to have sex with my mom the moment you thought he was dead, and keep trying to sell me a load of crap that you and my dad were best friends! You're a venereal-diseased douchebag and I wouldn't have crashed the Bug if you had kept your hook to yourself!"

Emma gave her son a suspicious look. "I thought Hook was driving?"

"Was a bit of a joint effort?" said the pirate diplomatically.

Gritting her teeth, Emma turned onto the road to the hospital and gave Hook a nasty look in the rear view mirror.

"MOM!" Henry suddenly shouted.

Emma snapped her gaze back to the road just in time to see something - was that a person? - fall out of the sky and land face down in the middle of Route 6.

She slammed on the brakes. Hook bashed his nose into the dividing cage.

"Bloody hell, Swan!"

Putting the car in park, Emma ordered Henry to stay put and got out. She kept her hand on her gun, not sure what to expect, as people didn't fall out of the sky every day, but in Storybrooke it wasn't exactly the oddest thing to happen either. On approach, she noted the person appeared to be male - and butt naked.

"Is he dead!?" gasped Henry who hadn't listened, of course.

"Looks dead," agreed Hook who had somehow gotten out as well.

The person grunted, making them all jump in surprise, and declared, "I'm not dead."

Pushing himself off the pavement, Neal brushed off some pine needles and amended, "Anymore... apparently. Damn, that hurt."

"That hurt?" Hook complained. "She punched me in the eye!"

Grinning, Neal said, "Nice!"

Henry, after gaping in shock, grinned. "Dad! You're alive!"

"Yeah, buddy," replied Neal, grinning back. "I'd hug you, but, you know, the whole being naked thing. This family has enough weird incest issues."

Emma started in shock. Miracles, huh?

Hook looked disgustedly at his naked rival and whined, "Why couldn't that crash have blinded me!"

"Why couldn't it have killed you?" retorted Henry. "We can't always get what we want."

"Brat."

"Slut."

"Dork."

"Manwhore."

"Hook, give him your coat," Emma finally found her voice.

"What? No way!"

"Oh, come on!" Neal groaned.

"Your undead bits will touch it and fall off or something and I don't want undead bits soiling my coat!" Hook complained, amending nastily, "What there is of your undead bits, anyway, mate. Might have to get out my spyglass to see your cutlass properly."

Neal glared and hissed out, "It's literally freezing. There is snow on the ground. I am not a zombie. And I will try to tuck my ordinarily larger than average 'bits' back, mate. It's not like I want to have any skin-to-leather contact with anything you've been wearing for three hundred years without a wardrobe change. It's probably covered in cum stains and infested with crabs!"

"I would never soil my beloved coat! And crabs would hardly find it a suitable replacement for a shell, Baelfire."

"I think he means genital lice," smirked Henry.

Hook sputtered and handed over his coat to a reluctant but shivering Neal.

"I'd hug you, Dad," said Henry cheekily, "but now I'm worried I might get pirate crabs.""Yeah," sighed Neal, "I'll have to get Whale to disinfect me and dose me with antibiotics."

"Oh, nice! You'd better be tucking it both ways, mate!" Hook griped as they headed back to the car.

"Both... what does that even mean?"

"It means I don't want your arse sweat on my coat."

"Fine," said Neal, reaching into the pocket and pulling out a handkercheif. "I'll stick this in between."

"Wha-noooo! That was my brother's!"

Neal smirked and Emma just shoved Hook roughly into the back of the car while Henry sniggered and began gleefully instructing the pirate on everything he'd learned about STDs in health class back in New York.

"So," Emma said, biting her lip. "You're not dead, huh?"

"Apparently," Neal agreed with an awkward nod. "And... ah... stigmata free," he jokingly amended, holding up his hand.

"I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION, OFFICER!" Hook whined very loudly while banging on the shut window with his stump.

Emma rolled her eyes and cursed under her breath before snapping, "Oh, for the love of - fine!"

After getting in and making sure Neal had put on his seatbelt - he'd always been awful about that - she stepped on the gas while turning sharply so Hook was thrown back, slamming his head against the side window.

"DAMN IT, SWAN!"

AN: Neal pulled a Rufus! Does this mean Swanfire feels ahead? Or has that ship sunk? Stay tuned!

Next up: Dr. Whale rants.