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Did you ever feel like you should've kept it all to yourself?

Effie's POV

I wish someone cared. I just need someone to help me get through this... Or did I? I could just end it here.. Even if people were sad at first they would get over it, and I'm sure death is less painful than what I go through everyday.

I was staying in one of the spare houses in the Victor's Village. Luckily there were other people with me.. There was another wedding photoshoot today, I would have to fake excitement again. Like always.

I walked over to Katniss's house with the rest of the prep team and stylists. I guess I would have to deal with Haymitch again...

"Hello everyone!" I greeted them with a false smile on my face. It was so hard to go through a whole day of 'acting' without breaking down in tears.

"Hey Effie." Katniss smiled as I entered the house.

"So... Today we will obviously be taking more photos. So get yourselves ready!" I announced.

I left the room to go to the bathroom as I needed to throw up, seeing as I actually ate something today. I picked up a toothbrush and it was the usual routine. Although I was still a disgusting, fat, useless failure I knew I was on my way to perfection, because of the comments on my weight yesterday. I couldn't wait until people told me how skinny I was.

I scratched my arms a few times and left the room.

"What took you so long?" Asked Haymitch.

"You shouldn't ask questions like that!" I snapped at him.

"Just a simple question.."

"Why does it concern you anyway?" I asked.

"Okay Effie. I know what's up! You're cutting yourself, you can't keep on making things up!" Haymitch almost shouted.

"I am not! Where would you get that idea from?" I asked. He was obviously not convinced and there were too many signs.

"Hmmm... Let me think.. Maybe because there are cuts all over your arms! Effie you have the perfect life, I don't understand why you would do that."

"I do have the perfect life. I just fell over once, you can't just assume things about me like that.." I lied, on the verge of tears. I wouldn't be able to cope if he found out.

"Cuts from falling over don't look like that."

"I-I'm telling the truth!" I stuttered.

"Effie I do care about you. I know I could be wrong, but I just don't know." Haymitch said. He cared about me? Well that was news..

"You're right you don't know!" I cried as I left the room. I blinked, letting the tears I bad been holding back. I wanted to cut but I knew Haymitch would try to stop me, seeing as I had just been in the bathroom. Just do it, he doesn't care if you live or die, you're just a stupid, worthless Capitol bitch to him, the voices started again.

I pulled the razor from my bag and dragged it along my skin. Deeper than usual, I deserved it even more.

I eventually came back out. It was obvious I had been crying but I put on a smile. I guessed things would never be the same between me and Haymitch now he had discovered my secret. I guess I would have to keep on lying to him, it was safer that way. I didn't want him involved.

"Effie! You're finally back!" Said Octavia.

"Yes! I am." I sounded so dumb. But I was dumb.

Haymitch's POV

Effie cuts herself. I was almost sure of it now. That would explain why she went to the bathroom so much. I don't know why she would do that, she has the perfect life! She's rich, not starving and doesn't care about anything. But no matter how many times I tried to tell myself this, I knew she didn't have the perfect life. I knew there was more to her than the snobby Capitol bitch, I just chose to ignore it.

To be honest, I didn't know anything about Effie. She never revealed much about her personal life, and at times it seemed like her happiness was all an act.

*2 days later*

Effie's POV

The Quarter Quell had been announced and Katniss and Peeta or Haymitch were going back into the arena. They were going to die, and I was going to have to call their names at the reaping. When the news was announced I cut so much I passed out because of blood loss. If Haymitch died I would have nothing to live for, and if Katniss and Peeta died I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing it was all my fault.

The reaping was tomorrow and I could just kill myself now. I couldn't sleep because of nightmares and I was in so much pain. It was all my fault, if only I had picked a different name and Katniss hadn't volunteered. But my life had never been easy... Everyone always thinks people from the Capitol had the perfect life, but how wrong they were. I knew people from the districts had it worse than me, and that just made me want to cut even more.

I scratched my arms with my long, false nails, it still managed to make my bleed. It was my only way of coping with all the pain.

I wish there was someone to help me get through this... I wish Haymitch actually cared about me. But that was too much to ask. He wanted me dead, I was the reason his family was killed.

It was five o'clock in the morning now, I guess I had to get up and get prepared for the reaping. I scratched my arm a few more times and got out of bed.

Chins up, smiles on, I thought to myself.

*3 hours later*

I was now ready for the reaping. I was dressed in a yellow dress covered in butterflies, it would've been beautiful if it wasn't on my fat body. I was wearing a light yellow wig and light coloured makeup, but a more natural look than usual. I sometimes wish I didn't have to look so 'Capitol' but however I looked now, I knew I just wasn't good enough, wasn't skinny enough or perfect enough.

I felt like I was about to breakdown in tears as I stared into the mirror. I had so many flaws and the scars on my wrists were still visible underneath the layers of makeup, obviously my stylists didn't notice or care.

"Miss Trinket! It's time for you to go out there!" The mayor of District 12 told me.

"Thank you for telling me!" I replied with a smile on my face.

I was almost crying as I walked out to the stage. Haymitch, Katniss and Peeta were already standing there, probably wanting me dead. It was all my fault of course, why did I have to be such a pathetic person?

"Welcome, welcome!" I spoke, my voice cracking "To the seventy-fith annual Hunger Games!"

"As always, ladies first!" I reached into the bowl, knowing there was only one name in there. I felt tears sting in my eyes.

"Katniss Everdeen!" I read.

"And now for the men.."

I pulled a name from the bowl and read aloud.

"Haymitch Abernathy..." I could feel tears running down my cheeks.

"I volunteer!" Said Peeta. I was now almost about to breakdown.

"Well... Now we have our two tribu-"