No excuses. None. (Also: have not forgotten about 'A Night to Remember'. Been working on a chapter for over a month. *sighs* Hopefully it will be finished soon). Thanks to anyone out there still reading my stories. :) XOXO
"Here's your hot tea mom" Maya said, as she handed Naomi the steaming mug.
It was early evening and Naomi was sprawled out on the couch in big comfy sweats and thick socks, with a throw blanket covering her. She'd pulled her hair back into a messy ponytail. She sighed as she reached for the tea. "I appreciate you taking care of me sweetie, but I'm fine, really".
"Mom" Maya exclaimed, with a 'yeah right' expression as she plopped down on the couch. "Need I remind you I had to pick you up from work this morning? You were so distraught, you couldn't even go back into the office to retrieve your keys, let alone drive home. I don't even know how you managed to call me. You've spent the whole day in bed and, by the look of those red and puffy eyes, you've been crying. Isaiah was so worried about you. If I would have let him, he would've camped out in front of your bedroom door all day. Every time I turned around, he was crawling towards the stairs to you. Olivia has been asking me all day what's wrong with you. Hell, I've been worried about you too. I might be all grown up but it scares me to see you fall apart like this. You've always been so together…."
"Okay, Okay Maya; I get it. I'm sorry I worried you guys" Naomi interrupted, holding her hand up to stop her daughter's rant. "I just had a really tough morning. But it's nothing a long nap, a hot bubble bath, my children, and this hot tea hasn't already cured".
Isaiah, who had been playing with Olivia on the floor in front of the TV, chose that exact time to crawl over and pull himself up on the edge of the couch. He stretched out his arms and commanded "up".
Maya smiled and picked up her little brother, placing him on the leather couch between them. He immediately crawled into Naomi's lap. "That's right. We were worried about mommy, weren't we"?
Isaiah nodded and reached for Naomi's face. Naomi let him pull her face down and was rewarded with a huge sloppy kiss on the lips. She smiled wide and laughed lightly. "Well if I wasn't fine before, I am now. Thank you, Zay-Zay. Mommy feels much better".
"Yeah" Isaiah said, making it sound like a question. It was one of his favorite words from his new and limited vocabulary.
"Yeah" Naomi said excitedly, tickling him then grabbing and pulling him close when he doubled over in a fit of giggles. There was nothing more precious than a baby's laughter.
Maya still wasn't convinced. Naomi was too good at throwing people off her scent, but being raised by her, Maya could tell when her mom was masking deeper feelings. "So are you going to tell me what happened then? I know it had something to do with S-A-M and A-D-D-I-S-O-N" Maya spelled out, trying to be discreet in front of Olivia and Isaiah.
"I miss the times when you were a little girl and didn't have the audacity to ask these questions" Naomi hedged.
"Mom, come on. Stop dodging the subject. Please tell me what is going on. Even dad called to check on you this afternoon".
Naomi paused in the middle of sipping her tea and looked up. "Sam called"?
"Da-da" Isaiah shouted, using his other favorite word. "Da-da" he repeated in excitement, jumping up and down in Naomi's lap.
"Oh sure, I'm the one who carried you for nine months and cared for you by myself for the first six months of your life, but you still learned how to say da-da first" Naomi teased, tickling Isaiah again. Inwardly, she felt a tug in her gut and tightness in her chest at the mention of her ex-husband. She shook her head. "It never fails. I don't know one kid who said ma-ma first".
"Mom" Maya shouted. "Stop deflecting. I got my stubbornness from you. I'm not letting this go until you talk".
Naomi exhaled and sat her mug on the coffee table. "Maya, there's nothing to discuss. I already told you about my plans to leave Oceanside and open up a new practice with Jake. I told the other doctors this morning and it didn't go so well. That's it, plain and simple".
"That's not just 'it'" Maya argued. "I don't care how bad they took it, there's no reaction in this world that would have made you become completely unhinged. Something else happened, something catastrophic. It's the only reason why not only did dad call, but Violet, Pete, Sheldon, Charlotte, and Cooper called. I think Addison called too, but I can't prove it. The number was blocked and they hung up as soon as I picked up the phone".
"What, no Amelia" Naomi joked humorlessly. Looking down at Isaiah, who was playing with her hand, she tried to hide her angry expression. Now that she was the abandoned, pitiful ex-wife in their eyes, everyone had plenty of apologies to give and attention to display. Besides Pete and Charlotte, where were they when she truly needed them? She didn't want or need their sympathy. "Don't start reading into things. That last phone call could've been a telemarketer".
"It wasn't and you know it". Maya blew out a breath of frustration. Her mother was driving her crazy. Why did she always insist on carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders? Trying a different tactic, Maya slyly continued. "I'm sure the reason Addison called had something to do with her breaking up with dad," she said, effectively catching Naomi off guard.
Naomi couldn't hide here facial expression this time; complete and utter shock covered her face. "Da-da" Isaiah shouted over and over again, jumping up and down, while Naomi sat frozen in the place.
"I see that got your attention" Maya said, surprised her mother had reacted so strongly.
"Because it makes no sense" Naomi muttered, talking to herself more than Maya. "The man has never loved me. I finally got over him and I'm leaving the practice. I even told him we couldn't be friends anymore, just parents. She had no reason to break up him. They should be riding off in the sunset with no more obstacles in their way" Naomi rambled on and on, in a shocked trance.
"Wait, back up" Maya demanded, not sure if she'd heard her mother right. "What is this about dad never loving you? And what do you mean you finally got over him"?
Naomi looked at Maya, suddenly remembering she was in the room. "I…I…" she stuttered.
"DA-DA" Isaiah shouted louder, distracting Naomi.
"Yes baby, we know you love your daddy, but he's not here right now" Naomi said sadly, rubbing his head and kissing him on the cheek.
"ANSWER ME DAMNIT" Maya shouted, getting Naomi's attention and causing Isaiah to finally fall silent. "Stop using Isaiah as a scapegoat and talk to me mom, please. I don't want to hear about how much he loves dad; I want you to tell me how much you love dad and how much dad loves you. I want to know what is going on with my parents and why they're too stubborn to admit they belong together". Tears were cresting in the corners of Maya's eyes.
Isaiah, who was still astonished by his big sister raising her voice, suddenly broke out into hysterical cries. He was so distraught by Maya's outburst, tears ran down his dimpled cheeks like waterfalls and snot bubbles formed in his nostrils.
"Oh Isaiah, I'm so sorry" May cooed, reaching out to pat his leg. "I didn't mean to upset and frighten you. It's just that…"
"Mommy hasn't been very straight forward with your big sis" Naomi said, finishing Maya's sentence. She used the hem of her sweatshirt to wipe Isaiah's face and then pulled him close to her chest, rocking him. Slowly, Naomi glanced up at her daughter. "I didn't realize just how much your father and I not being together still affected you".
"Mommy, what's wrong" Olivia asked, tugging on Maya's hand. In the midst of the commotion, Olivia had left her toys and wandered over to the couch. Seeing her mommy upset made her sad.
"I'm fine Liv. I just lost my temper for a minute, but everything is better now. Go back to your toys" Maya encouraged; but unconvinced, her daughter didn't budge. Forcing a smile, Maya leaned down and kissed Olivia on the cheek. "Everything is fine, I promise. Go play" She repeated. Slightly pacified, Olivia did as she was told this time. Yet, there was noticeably less jubilance in her body language. Maya's mood was affecting her.
"You have an incredible little girl. She's sensitive to how you're feeling, just like you and Isaiah are with me" Naomi commented as she and Maya watched her resume playing with her toys. Isaiah tugging at her shirt diverted her attention away as she looked down at him. He'd stopped crying but he still looked a little shaken. He tugged at her shirt again and Naomi shook her head in amusement, knowing what he wanted. She lifted her shirt just high enough for him to latch on.
"Yeah, she's amazing and so is my little greedy brother" Maya teased, before her face went somber again. "Mom, look I'm not trying to be a brat. I won't pretend the divorce wasn't hard for me but this goes deeper than that. I've watched you and I've watched dad; you both try so hard to act like you're happy and everything is fine. But there have been moments, when you both thought no one was looking, where sadness washed over both of you. I know that sadness would disappear if you two would just give each other another chance".
Even if she wanted to give Sam another chance, it had to be a two-way street Naomi thought. He had to want her, which would never be the case. Naomi reached out and covered Maya's hand with her own. "Look, your father and I had a wonderful marriage, but we've run our course…"
Maya was already shaking her head again. "No, don't give me the politically correct answer. You just pointed out how sensitive and empathetic our family is. If Olivia can sense a tiny thing like me just being frustrated with you, what do you think Isaiah and I have been picking up on for the last year"?
Naomi took a deep breath and sighed. Looking down at Isaiah breastfeeding, she tried to gather her thoughts. More than anything, she just wanted this day far behind her. Naomi was tired of reliving the past and experiencing the pain over and over. She was ready to jump back into the present. But it was apparent that her daughter wanted, no, needed answers. She clasped Maya's hand tighter and looked back at her. "You were picking up on the feelings I had for your father".
Maya's mouth dropped open. She didn't know whether to be more stunned by her mother's confession or her finally answering a question. "So, it's true. You're still in love in with dad" she asked.
Naomi inwardly winced at the conclusion Maya had drawn. She claimed not be the little girl who just wanted her parents back together, but in many ways, she was. "No baby, I'm afraid my answer mislead you. I'll always love Sam in some way, he gave me two beautiful children, but I'm not in love with him anymore. But before we moved to New York and for the first year we were there, those feelings were still very real. Maybe that's what you picked up on, even though it's in the past".
She tried not to show how defeated she felt, but inside, Maya was emotionally deflated, like a balloon. She also felt equally confused. If the love had still been there, why weren't they together? "I don't understand. What happened when you told dad"?
"I didn't tell him".
Maya's eyes bucked in surprise. "WHY?! If you had just told him…
It was Naomi's turn to shake her head; she cut Maya off immediately. "We would have not gotten back together Maya. I didn't tell him because there was no point in doing so. Your father wanted to be with Addison; always has, always will" Naomi explained, her voice becoming raspy as emotion clogged her throat. She wondered how long it would take for that truth not to bother her.
A light clicked on in Maya's head; the rambling her mother had done when she'd found out about her dad and Addison's break up started to make sense. "Wait, you're not telling me dad has never loved you are you? Because that would just be insane".
Isaiah, who had fallen asleep while eating, began fidgeting in his sleep. Naomi pulled down her shirt and wiped his mouth. Repositioning him, she rested his head on her shoulder. Isaiah continued to fidget until his head rolled into the crook of Naomi's neck, where he finally went still. Rubbing his back and rocking him, Naomi carefully worded her answer. "I know Sam cared about me and he thought he loved me, but the simple fact is he's always been in love with Addison. The only reason your father ever asked me out was because Addison initially rejected him".
It took every fiber of Maya's being not to scream. "So" she said indignantly, unable to prevent her voice from rising slightly. "Who cares if he asked her out first; dad married you. He wouldn't have married you if he didn't love you".
"Yes, he did. He did marry me and we had several happy years together, but we were never meant to last. He was always destined to end up with Addison. I know that will be hard for you to accept; it took a long time for me to come to terms with it myself. But life moves on and so have I; in time, you will too".
Maya wondered if she were in a parallel universe where she was the adult and her mother was the child. Her mom had completely lost her grip on reality and Maya felt like the only reasonable person in the room. Encapsulating Naomi's hand in both of hers, Maya said "Mom, listen to me. I don't know what happened to make you doubt dad's love for you, but you need to snap out of it. Even as a little girl, I could tell the relationship you and dad had was special. None of my friend's parents were nearly as affectionate as the two of you. Couples don't act the way you two did without being deeply in love; dad loved you. I think he still does".
Naomi offered up a small smile. "That's because you've been influenced by both your grandmothers; they're old school women who don't believe in divorce. But I'm here to tell you, it's not true. And whether you want to believe he loved me in the past is up to you, but in the grand scheme of things, it truly doesn't matter. It's all in the past".
"They didn't influence me and it does matter mom. By not…"
"Enough" Naomi nearly shouted. Her patience had worn thin. If she stayed in the past any longer, she feared she would become permanently crippled. "Maya, I love you with all my heart but rehashing the past is not going to change anything. No matter what you or anyone else thinks, or who is right, it doesn't change the fact that Sam and I are not together and won't be getting back together".
"You don't know that" May insisted, not backing down. "If you just told dad how you felt…"
"I DID" Naomi said, really shouting this time. "The whole practice wouldn't let it fucking go this morning, just like you. They couldn't understand why I would leave even though they had barely spoken to me in months. They kept barraging me with questions until I finally broke down and confessed my feelings for your father in front of everyone. I had to sit there and let everyone see how pathetic I was as I shared how Addison and Sam broke my heart. Then I had to endure your father trying to explain how he didn't mean to hurt me. So, no Maya; confessing my feelings didn't change anything; all it did was open up old wounds. Furthermore, the number one thing that everyone seems to keep forgetting, I don't want your father back. I got over him and the possibility of him wanting me back wouldn't make me change my mind". Naomi was panting heavy, holding back the flood of tears that were threatening to fall. It was a small miracle the commotion didn't wake Isaiah. Naomi lowered her voice but there was still a sharp edge to it. "I understand how hard this is for you; it was hard for me too. It truly breaks my heart to see you still so unsettled over our divorce but I'm only going to say this one more time. Your father and I are over. I've moved on with Jake and as soon as Addison comes to her senses, your father will be happy again with her".
It was in that moment Maya realized her mother was better at hiding her feelings than she thought. Though she hadn't been able to completely disguise her feelings for her ex-husband, Maya could now see that her mom had done a masterful job at hiding just how much anger simmered and just how much pain burned inside her. Now that Naomi had been provoked into letting her guard slip, the raw emotion was so powerful, Maya felt like crumpling into a tight tiny little ball to escape its intensity. And she had only scratched the surface. "Mom, I'm sorry" Maya said quietly, on the verge of tears.
Naomi saw the frightened and intimidated look on Maya's face and instantly felt remorse. She took a deep breath. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I've had a lot of time to deal with this and you haven't. Of course you're curious".
Maya didn't need the apology; she was more concerned about how her mom was feeling. Seeing her in a new light, Maya looked closer at Naomi, sensing her mom was trying hard to keep it together. "Don't worry about me mom. I want you to be okay. Are you alright" she asked quietly. "I mean truly, are you really alright"?
Naomi rocked Isaiah back and forth, rubbing his back as she stared off into space. "I...I've...;" She wanted to tell Maya yes, that she'd never been better. But that would be a lie, and Naomi was tired of lying, even if her lies had been for good reasons. "I'm just taking it one day at a time. Today was just harder than most" she finally answered, sadness in her eyes.
"Dad really hurt you, didn't he" Maya spontaneously asked, an epiphany hitting her. Her parents being apart involved more than their stubbornness to admit their love for each other. In her mom's case, it had to do with trust. Naomi was too hurt by Sam's actions to trust him with her heart again. And if she couldn't trust him, there was no point in ever admitting her feelings in the first place.
Holding Isaiah tighter for comfort, Naomi looked at Maya. "Yes. I know it was not intentional, but he did. But to be fair, I probably hurt him too".
"I think he hurt you more".
Naomi shrugged but inwardly she agreed. "It is what it is. All any of us can do is move forward. And if there's one thing your father and I can still agree on, it's our children. No matter what happens, we'll always be there for you and Isaiah".
"Just not there for each other" Maya said sadly, starting to lose hope for her parents' reconciliation for the first time since their divorce.
"No" Naomi agreed quietly. "We no longer fit that role in each other's life. We're not spouses or friends anymore, just parents.
Maya nodded, took a long deep breath and struggled to push the air back out of her lungs. "I understand. But can I just say that this whole situation sucks"?
Naomi laughed sadly, grasping Maya's hand. "Sure, sweetie. You're right, all of this totally sucks".
"Maybe I was holding onto false hope" Maya considered reluctantly. "But you can't fault me for it. I miss my happy family and it makes me sad that Isaiah has never experienced it".
"I don't fault you. It's perfectly natural to feel the way you do. But you don't need to feel bad for Zay; his reality is different, but he still has both parents in his life. He's a happy well-adjusted baby".
"I guess" Maya sighed as she watched her little brother sleep. Refocusing on Naomi, she continued "I also want you and dad to be happy. Together or apart, you two deserve to be happy". It hurt for Maya to say that; she'd always pictured her parents as a couple even though they'd been divorced for years. However, she'd still meant what she said.
"We'll be fine" Naomi said nonchalantly, almost dismissively.
"I'm serious" Maya said passionately. "Isaiah and I are lucky to have you two as our parents. You and dad are the best parents any child could ever have. You both deserve to be as happy as you've made us".
"The opposite is true" Naomi argued. "We're lucky to have you and Isaiah; you two are what brings me the most happiness. And I can't tell you how happy I am that you decided to take the fall semester off and stay home for the holidays. Having you here with me the past few months has been the best gift ever".
Maya offered up a small smile. "I'm glad too mom. I thought I would go to school year round so I would finish faster, but as soon as Olivia and I got home, I knew it would be hard to leave. I didn't realize just how much I missed you" Maya said sincerely. "And that little boy..." Maya continued, pointing to her little brother... "already has me wrapped around his finger".
"He has everyone wrapped around his finger" Naomi laughed. "I was supposed to stop breastfeeding him months ago, yet I'm still doing it" she lightly lamented. Naomi reached out and touched Maya's arm, her mood growing serious again. "I missed you too, more than I can say. I hate it when we argue. I'm so sorry I've been so tightlipped about me and your father; I was just trying to protect you. Now I see I've done more harm than good".
Maya leaned over and enfolded Naomi in a tight embrace, trapping Isaiah between them. "No, don't be sorry. I'm the one who pushed you".
"I love you so much Maya" Naomi expressed, clinging to her daughter.
"I love you too mom".
Isaiah began to wrestle in his sleep. "Ehh" he whined unconsciously.
"Uh oh, I think we're suffocating him" Maya said, jumping back.
"He's fine" Naomi assured, rubbing Isaiah's back and kissing him on the cheek to settle him. "He's getting so big; I can't believe he'll be a year old in a couple of months".
"I'm so excited Olivia and I will be here to celebrate it. What are you going to do for his first birthday party" Maya asked, seamlessly slipping into a more casual and relaxed conversation with her mom. "It has to be something big".
"Well, I was thinking…" Naomi started before she was interrupted by the doorbell ringing. "Who could that be" she asked, her body immediately tensing. If it was Sam…
"Who knows, I'll go check" Maya said, jumping off the couch. As she walked towards the foyer, a small part of her hoped it was her dad. But her hopes were met with disappointment when she opened the door. Violet was the person standing on the front porch.
"Hello Maya" Violet said quietly.
"Hello Violet" Maya replied, wondering why she was there.
"Do you mind if I come in" Violet asked.
"Sure" Maya said unsurely, backing up to let Violet enter the house, then closing the door behind her.
They stood there in awkward silence for a few moments until Violet asked "Is your mom available? I know you said she was a little under the weather when I called earlier, so I thought I would check on her on my way home from work".
Maya honestly didn't know if her mom wanted any company. But before she could respond, Naomi appeared.
Naomi had come to the front door herself out of curiosity when Maya hadn't immediately come back with the unexpected guest. Seeing the woman who was supposed to be one of her closet friends standing there sparked a rage inside her that seared with tremendous power. "What are you doing here" Naomi asked, her voice ironically cold and frigid compared to the blistering heat that was continually rising on the inside.
"I came to check on you, make sure you were okay" Violet repeated, Naomi's intense stare making her nervous.
Naomi looked Violet up and down, as if considering. Then she turned to her daughter. "Maya, will you take Isaiah upstairs and put him to bed"?
Maya could feel the coldness in her mom's voice and didn't envy Violet at all. "Sure mom" she said quickly, reaching for Isaiah and enfolding him in her arms. "I'm going to go get Olivia as well, it's her bedtime too. We'll go up the back stairs" she said, before scurrying out of sight with Isaiah.
"Isaiah is such a cute little boy" Violet said once they were alone. The atmosphere was so tense, it could be cut with a knife.
"Thank you" Naomi said, refusing to ease Violet's discomfort by engaging in small talk. She crossed her arms across her chest and waited for Violet to get to the point.
Violet looked down at the floor and wrung her hands. "Look Naomi, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I didn't realize everything you were going through, that you still had feelings for Sam. Please forgive me".
"No" Naomi said bluntly, not hesitating for a moment.
Violet's eyes widened in shock. "Naomi…."
"Why should I forgive you" Naomi started, her rant just beginning. "Did you forgive me"?
"I didn't know what was going on, I didn't have all the facts" Violet complained. "If you had just told me…"
"Why should I have had to tell you anything for you to have my back" Naomi yelled, her face boiling with anger. "Did I get upset when you didn't tell me you were screwing Sheldon and Pete at the same time? Did I turn my back on you when I had to hear from Cooper that you were pregnant? Did I judge you for not knowing who the father of your child was? Did I even accuse you of being a bad mother when you left Lucas high and dry with Pete and vanished for three months"?
"No. But…"
"There are no 'buts' Violet! I needed you! The same support I gave you, why couldn't you give it to me? I understand you were hurt that I didn't confide in you. However, there is plenty you haven't confided in me over the years. Moreover, regardless of how much you knew about my situation, you should have known I would never be capable of the things you accused me of. You should have known that regardless of the secrets I was keeping, I had the best of intentions. Instead, you slandered my name, then abandoned me and took Addison's side. You let your anger get the best of you and not only did you leave me out in the cold, you treated my son like a leper to spite me". Naomi's voice cracked. "That hurt Violet; it hurt more than I'm willing to admit. And the way you treated Isaiah…that's unforgivable".
Tears slowly slid down Violet's cheeks. "I'm sorry Naomi. I'm so so so sorry, but there's got to be a way we can work through this".
"Where was your willingness to work through this before today Violet? You don't even have to answer because I already know; it was nowhere to be found. The only reason you're here now is because you feel sorry for me. Well, keep it. I don't need your sympathy".
"Naomi, please" Violet begged. "If I could take back my actions, I would. Please believe me. Please accept my apology. You're one of my closest friends, I don't want to lose you".
Naomi paused for a moment, observed the sincerest look of remorse reflecting in Violet's eyes. The tables had been turned and now it was Violet who was now fighting to save their friendship. A part of Naomi wanted to embrace her old friend in her arms and welcome her back in her life. But it was too late; Naomi was more than done. She would be leaving the practice soon and getting a fresh start. "I believe it was you who said it best Violet; we're no longer friends. Now if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you got the hell out my house".