Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.
Brownie points for eleven19 (the wonderful author of "It's Always Sunny in Storybrooke") who was first getting the Seinfeld untucked shirt at the Dentist reference! (ravenclaw312 was a close second).
Note to Mir: Don't worry, I am fluent in Autocorrect. Poor Dr. Whale. Should I write him in a boyfriend? Hook will have some embarrassing problems to deal with for awhile, making him more-or-less comic relief (with little character to growth to show for it at this point). Henry may have a tougher mom in Emma now, but Regina is no slouch, nor is she an idiot when it comes to Emma's change in behavior, which will cause problems for Emma and her reaffirmed intention to be a good parent. In some respects, the revelations about Emma's alternate life will reboot things to the beginning of Season 2 in the dynamics between her and other characters, but with the Season 5 spin of Emma being the one on the outside looking in, a more pronounced feeling of not fitting in that's more like Regina felt in Season 2 than just Emma's initial "I don't know how to deal with my crazy family because I never had one and it conflicts with my defense mechanism to never get close to anyone". Emma's going to be stuck with both while trying to sort out some kind of God Squad partnership with Neal and figuring out how to resolve the various threats to Storybrooke this time around without destroying reality as they know it, i.e. carefully navagating Rumple's sage advice to Henry in "Manhattan" that just because you know something is going to happen, doesn't mean you know what's going to happen!
PART II
CHAPTER EIGHT
GRILLED CHEESE & ONION RINGS
"But grilled cheese and onion rings are your favorite," Henry uttered in confusion as Emma pushed the plate toward him.
"I'm just not hungry," she insisted, which wasn't exactly true, she just didn't feel like she could keep anything down, her stomach in knots since undying and only seeming to get worse as one frustration piled up on top of another before she had a chance to even breath.
She was supposed to be breathing now, indulging in a happy moment with her son and his father, but Emma couldn't focus on Henry's animated recounting of his year in New York or Neal's questions about this and that place when what amounted to him basically preemptively dumping her kept cycling through her mind.
It was selfish, she knew, to be so heartbroken by what she'd caused and then wallow in the self-pity instead of being happy that Neal was alive and Henry had his father back in his life. She was happy about that, it was just that her happiness for her son was muted by her disappointment.
Her life seemed to be defined by false highs and true lows. Shouldn't she have learned that by now? So it had been foolish to think that Neal falling out of the sky meant a slow motion, open-armed jog on the beach and cello music and grand romantic declarations. That was the sappy, cliché, shallow nonsense that had defined her mess of a romance with Killian, all threats and promises that were quickly broken, because there was really never anything deeper, no foundation to crack beyond repair, no genuine affection more nuanced than lust and fear of loneliness kept at bay by epic adventures and mortal peril. Things with Neal had always been real life, dreams of simple pleasures with the ordinary and lasting disappointments that a rose and flowery words couldn't fix.
Her romance with Hook had been legendary, but legends were full of exaggeration, revisionist history, and outright lies.
Her romance with Neal had been ordinary, and it was in that ordinaryness that there was nothing but truth. A truth that hurt now more than it ever had.
Before, she could tell herself it wouldn't have worked for numerous reasons that could never be proved or disproved, and there was a strange comfort in that not knowing. There was no comfort in being told that even after facing her inner demons, her deepest flaws, and begging forgiveness for the grievous mistakes she'd made because of them, she couldn't be forgiven enough.
Being on the other end of that really really sucked.
Suddenly, Emma felt as though she was on the verge of hyperventilating, the futility and unfairness of it all coupled with the responsibilities too much to bare!
She quickly excused herself "to the bathroom", her statement barely even acknowledged by father and son, and hurried left to the laundry room and then out the back door to the alley where the air was crisp and damp and she was alone.
Emma threw up the three onion rings she'd eaten, then closed the lid on the garbage can and fought to keep from breaking down into hysterical tears.
She knew she had to get her shit together. Additional angelic visits were probably unlikely, and would just make her feel like an even bigger loser, that she couldn't handle this.
"Just do it already," someone muttered nearby, interrupting Emma's panic attack.
Suddenly there was a bright green flash and a roaring sound around the corner, in the side ally where she'd once found Kathryn Nolan with Ruby standing over her.
This time it was Ruby dressed like she was going to a Renaissance Fair - or the Enchanted Forest - clinging to a downspout as a portal opened up in a pothole.
"HELP!" the werewolf waitress yelled as the pipe began to break.
Emma reached out, trying to use magic to pull Ruby back, but the pull was too strong. Thinking quickly, she used her other hand to direct the nearest parked car into the portal, which was enough to satisfy it.
As the portal closed, Ruby slumped her knees, shaking.
Emma rushed over and crouched down. "Ruby, what the hell was that!?"
Sniffling, the younger woman explained, "Mary Margaret gave me a magic bean at the party yesterday. She said she found it in Regina's office - from the plant she stole. She wanted me to use it."
"What!? What the hell for!?"
"To... well... find myself," said Ruby, allowing Emma to help her up.
"Um... I'm not following."
"I don't feel like I fit in anymore, like I matter here," Ruby tried to explain. "We were best friends, but Snow never talks to me anymore. I tried at the party, you remember, to say how I was part of their story! But your parents just brushed me off and went back to gushing over their perfect love, their new baby, yadda yadda yadda. So, after you went off in huff - the first time - I told her, you know, that I wasn't feeling included, that I felt out of place. She said maybe I needed to look into my roots more, find other werewolves in the Enchanted Forest if there weren't any here. And she gave me the magic bean."
Emma groaned and rubbed her temples. She'd just assumed that Ruby had been off with Mulan beyond the reach of her mother's curse. This was... shit, one more thing to yell at her mother about! She knew Mary Margaret or Snow or whatever the fuck the woman wanted to go by on any given day had meant well, but portals were important. This was not a 'finders keepers' situation! Magic beans were community property, something Emma thought was made abundantly clear by Regina burning the field to the ground out of spite for her parents not telling anyone that they were hoarding them to use at their own discretion without consulting anyone about the executive decision they were planning to make to drag everyone back to the Enchanted Forest without a say in the matter - which ended up happening thanks to Pan, but it was still relevant!
"Ruby," Emma told the waitress, "my mother is an idiot. I don't know why or how it happened. Maybe it's the head injuries, baby brain, heart-splitting, or a combination, but she's lost so many IQ points since Neverland that I wouldn't trust her to pet sit a gold fish, honestly, let alone raise my brother or run a town - which is a whole different set of worrying issues I have to deal with. But least of all is taking her advice. Nine out of ten times the wisdom she's given me has blown up in my face and made my life worse. I love her, but she's kind of a dumbshit. And handing off public property like candy, very important safety measure public property, is just added proof of that!"
"I know," Ruby said, looking ashamed. "That's why I was reluctant to use it. I'm just tired of being ignored. I thought... maybe I had a thing with Victor after we sort of bonded last year over the monster thing, when that Greg creep was dying, but he said he didn't feel the same way, and now that the Curse is broken, I don't want to take over a dumpy inn and diner no matter how much it means to me that Granny would trust me with it. I just... feel like a... a..."
"Supernumerary?" Emma suggested.
"Super-what-inary?"
"Background character in a script not important enough to have a name like 'slutty waitress'," said Emma, amending, "Sorry, August really got in my head."
"The little ginger brat who stole my tips right out of my apron?" questioned Ruby, then she snorted. "Yeah, that's me then. I mean, I sometimes wonder if Snow even remembers I have an actual name instead of just 'Red' or 'Ruby'."
"Red's not your name?" uttered Emma, surprised and the brunet rolled her eyes.
"Of course not! What kind of a name is 'Red'?"
"What kind of a name is 'Snow White'?" Emma countered. "How the hell should I know?"
"Yes, well, everyone called me that because of the red cloak I wore to not turn into a werewolf as long as anyone can remember," explained Ruby in a huff. "Plus, I think Granny hates that my mother named me, and 'Eustance' is a crappy name. But it's still my name!"
Emma smiled at that. "I hear you. I wasn't thrilled with being named by a blanket given to me by people who dumped by the side of a road - or a family that sent me back to the Group Home because I didn't measure up to the kids of their own they were having. But it's still my name. And names matter."
"Yeah, Rumplestiltskin would say they have power," Ruby nodded. "Which is maybe your mom's problem, since she doesn't seem to know what the frig to call herself! Your whole family needs to go to Archie, you know? You're kind of all selfish jerks with some kind of magical fiasco related bipolar disease!"
"Yeah, we kind of are a bunch of assholes," Emma agreed. "I'm sorry about that."
"Yeah, well, I did eat my boyfriend... though that's also kind of entirely Snow's fault for deciding based on half-heard conversations that Peter was the Wolf. She was always kind of dumb," sighed Ruby, "but being good at shooting things and talking smack to Regina made up for it back then. Not so much in small town Maine, especially now that Regina isn't so big on the mass murdering, and it's frowned upon to disembowel and feast on your enemies. Not that I was into that," she quickly amended.
"So find better and smarter friends in this small town," advised Emma just as Tinkerbell came wandering into the alley toward the Inn looking hung-over... which was an odd state considering she was dressed in nun clothes.
"What happened to you?" asked Emma.
"Blue Bitch kicked me out," complained Tinkerbell. "I thought I'd make a second go with the order when we all ended up back in the Enchanted Forest. I really had to beg, like really ingratiate myself to that horrible overlord to get another chance to prove that I wasn't a delinquent waste of magic. And I get one infraction in a year and I'm out!"
"What did you do?" Ruby inquired.
"Told Nova to stop being a brainwashed minion in a world that doesn't operate by our old rules and go the hell out with that Dwarf already if she really wanted to."
"You got kicked out for telling someone it was okay to go on a date?"
"No, I got an hour lecture for telling someone to go on a date. And another hour lecture on the use of names, because we are all colors, not names, which makes us different and better than humans," scoffed Tink. "That's when I punched her."
"You punched the Blue Fairy in the face!?" Emma exclaimed.
"No, I punched her in her fake boobs," Tinkerbell stated proudly, "and they popped! I knew she'd been using magic. No one has cleavage like that, not even fairies. Anyway, that's when she kicked me out, so now I'm broke, unemployed, wardrobeless and homeless!"
"No, you're not!" Ruby assured. "Well, unemployed, at least. I just quit my waitressing job. I don't want it back. And I'm sure Granny can front your first paycheck toward room money until you can save up enough for a place."
"Really?" Tinkerbell uttered, startled, "you'd really help me like that?"
"Of course. I remember when that snotty fairy publicly insulted you at the diner in front of everyone for no reason. I'm sure Granny will too, and anyone the woman hates is okay in my Gran's book - and mine!"
"I thought everyone loved and respected Ruel Ghorm," the once more former fairy said, confused.
"No, that's just fear and good acting," said Ruby. "Well, back in the Enchanted Forest it was fear, what with all of her powerful magical size-changing, flying swarm of wand-waving bitches and the mystery factor. Here, though, her magic is pretty weak and she won't even use it to help any of us in a crisis. Did she come to my aide when the town was trying to kill me after I was framed for murderer? She could have waved her wand and frozen that mob, but instead, apparently, she believed I did it, because I'm a werewolf, and we're all innately evil or some shit!"
"Yeah, she's big on stereotypes," agreed Tinkerbell.
"Tell me about it!" Ruby snorted and linked arms with the blonde.
"Come on, I'll get you an application."
Having faded into the background of the interaction, Emma followed the bisexual werewolf and slutty ex-fairy back into the diner, hoping something good had come out of a wasted magic bean. Ruby wasn't right for Mulan, quite honestly, and Mulan would only get her heart broken by the brave but morally ambiguous werewolf who would never live up to the warrior's code of honor. But Tinkerbell? Yeah, Emma could see the pair, both outcasts from their 'species' and among humans being a good match.
"BAELFIRE!? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?"
Of course, Tink would be fired from waitressing in a New York minute with her filthy mouth...
Neal was coming out of the men's room and startled at Tinkerbell's shriek before the ex-fairy mobbed him.
"What didn't you tell me you were alive!? How are you alive!? Why didn't you tell me!?" she accused Emma.
"Slipped my mind?" Emma replied with an uncomfortable shrug and Tinkerbell rolled her eyes.
"Well, you made my day, Bae!" Tink beamed. "That and punching Blue in the tits! You should have seen them pop! There was so much blue glitter you'd think it was New Years Eve!"
"Ah... congratulations?" Neal croaked out. "It's good to see you too, Tink. Thanks for coming to my funeral."
"You know it, kiddo," she nodded. "I can't speak for most of the useless assholes around here who had better things to do, but you got a raw deal and even if you weren't part of this town for long, you deserved more than that pathetic excuse for a memorial. I wanted to do a whole brass band thing, but I got shot down over the whole Wicked Witch thing, so don't blame me for the shitty service they couldn't even be bothered to hold in a church, which is apparently some sort of hallowed ground in this world, not that you'd know it, since no one ever goes there, but then since it's run by Blue Boobs, I can't blame them..."
"Yeah... don't worry, Tink," Neal assured, "you're off the hook for the crap turnout and frozen pizza bagels."
Emma winced at the interaction and felt compelled after Ruby had snagged Tinkerbell away with an application to apologized, "I did want to do more for your funeral. But your father was still in a cage and with Zelena... I know those are crappy excuses. I didn't even look at what the funeral home was going to put on your headstone and then there just wasn't time to add anything, and I got preoccupied-"
"Yeah, picking out Hook's big fancy headstone that made mine look like a shitty donation," Neal muttered, which drew another wince from Emma.
"There really isn't anything I can say, is there?" she sighed and he shrugged. "I was coming here, you know? For that coffee. I wanted it to be a good memory."
"So did I," Neal exhaled. "I wasn't trying to hit on you, Emma. I just... I wanted to talk, to finally talk, about all of it or none of it."
"I know," she sniffed. "I know that now. I think I was just so caught up on what could have been, and with Hook's relentless romantic pursuit and your fighting with him over me in Neverland-"
"Because he took my mother away and he sold me out to Pan and he was only after you out of some sick generational fetish not because he cared about Henry. And you deserved better. Or, at least, I thought you did," Neal explained, hands in his pockets.
Ouch, that last one hurt. "You could have told me about Milah," Emma argued.
"You still hated me. It wouldn't have mattered. And that would have been worse," said Neal, "if you'd known before and still fell in love with him. I'm not sure I could've forgiven that. To be honest, Em, I'm still working on forgiving you for staying with him, sharing your heart with him, after you did," he concluded honestly.
"I understand," Emma managed. "I don't know how to forgive myself either. I don't think I ever will. I've made so many mistakes that I can't fix."
She looked into the diner where Henry was eating an ice cream sundae and playing something on his phone.
"I missed every single year of his life," Emma uttered brokenly. "Sometimes I hate myself that I didn't have the courage to stand by him."
Letting out a breath, she continued, "These fake memories just make it worse, you know? They're always there as a reminder, taunting me 'this is what could have been' even if I know it would never have been like that, which makes it worse, because I can't help thinking how it would have been different, the mother I would have been, the person I could have been with Henry in my life. So I pushed him away, I pushed that love away, for him, for you, for all of those 'what ifs' and focused on an obsession, a distraction."
Emma shook her head. "But I could never escape it, the not knowing."
"I know," Neal sympathized. "You can't slay regrets with a sword or magically poof them away - without forgetting the love that created them, anyway. They end up haunting you, barring the doors to paths you could have taken, happy endings you could have had."
Emma let out a self-depricating laugh and considered, "For Henry, when he showed up on my doorstep, his purpose was uncovering the mysteries of magic and fairy tales and I was there when he did and that meant a lot, but my mysteries, I'll never have the answer."
Neal ran a hand over his face and sighed. "Finding out I had a son," he told Emma, "coming to Storybrooke... everyone was embroiled in all kinds of magical nonsense, in heroes and villains, legends and epic adventures, but all I wanted was to know my son, to know how he grew up, if he was ever happy, and if I'd been there... if I'd made a different choice, if I'd been stronger... And all of it lead me to make a really stupid choice, a choice I still can't believe I made out of that desperation to have that one thing I'd always wanted for three hundred years."
"We can still have that, some part of it, can't we?" Emma tearfully asked. "I know a lot of time has passed, Neal. I know there's a lot of pain at both ends. And I can't deny that I came out of prison, after giving up my baby, different, colder, closed off... but death... that showed me that I don't want to be that version of me anymore. The one who isn't afraid of anything. I don't think people really change. We're both still... the people we were back then in Portland that dreamed of Tallahassee, they're still somewhere inside of us, aren't they? If we could just... dig through all of the bullshit we've piled on since, we could find that love, that innocence. We could be happy. I want to believe that forgiveness is possible, for both of us. That there's still hope."
"There's always hope where there's love," Neal admitted, squeezing her hand and he leaned over and placed a kiss on her forehead to punctuate the point.
Pulling away, he said with a slightly watery smile, "Now, let's go take our juvenile delinquent to jail."
Emma wiped her eyes with her sleeve and nodded. Henry was finishing his last spoonful when they returned to the booth and she managed to not sound too nasally as she told him, "Come on kid, you still gotta do the time for the crime."
"You're not going to cuff me, are you?" Henry sighed.
"You'd just pick the lock anyway," Emma shrugged, "which is why I'm using magic at the station."
"Grrrrrr arrrrgh," was the teen's lament. "Why does everyone in this family have magic but me?"
"Hey, I don't have magic," Neal pointed out. "Neither do Emma's parents. Or Belle. Or Robin."
"Forest Hobo doesn't count," Henry scoffed on the way out the front steps. "I'm embarrassed that Robin Hood was my childhood fairy tale hero. I mean, I love my mom, even though she's a murderer, because she's my mom. It's like... I'm psychologically incapable of not loving her since she raised me. But who keeps dating the woman who murdered their wife, their kid's mom?"
"I'm pretty sure Robin is unaware of that," said Neal.
"Yeah, but he was totally aware my mom is a mass murderer who's killed children, had like zero interaction with her after her rehab to be a better person so all he knew was the Evil Queen and her heart crushing, but he took one look at her boobs in a corset and decided he totally wanted to tap that ass! That's not a code of honor, that's messed up, man! No wonder Mulan only stayed with the Merry Men for like a day. What is wrong with grown-ups?"
"People make all kinds of bad decisions in love, Henry," Emma uncomfortably answered, aware her own choices were not that different from Robin's. "Sometimes... you just can't control who you love, even when you know it's wrong, and some.. some people are stronger than others at picking what's right over what their heart tells them they need."
She glanced awkwardly at Neal who thankfully had his attention elsewhere, on a bearded Dwarf gaping at the now extremely large pothole in the alley.
"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CAR!?"
AN: The Dwarfs always get shafted. Emma's monologue about not raising Henry is taken from Scully's lamentation to Mulder on giving up their son William shown in The X-Files: Re-Opened. It only just occurred to me while watching Fringe that the chapter in which Emma finds her soul as a child after searching a group home was inspired by Olivia finding her child self in the cortexifan experiment in "Jacksonville". I really miss that show!
Next up: Regina needs a designated driver, Mary Margaret needs some tissues, Henry needs earplugs, and Hook needs one of those donut pillows!