Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.

PART II

CHAPTER TEN

ANOTHER AWKWARD REUNION

Nothing said letting out post-resurrection frustration like hurling paint-filled balloons at one's shitty headstone that no one would even pay to put a fucking date on.

Well, that and hurling a paint-filled balloon at one of Robin's forest hobo encampment residents who'd been about to take a piss on it. If anyone was going to piss on his grave, it was him!

Neal had left Emma to deal with prisoner transport, having had enough of Hook for a lifetime and in no mood to watch the creep flirt with her while tripping on meds - and Emma make quippy comments in return that Hook's delusional Pepe Le Pew mind- even when off meds - would interpret as playing hard-to-get. And no matter how deprogrammed Emma was of returning that sick infatuation, Neal didn't need to watch her emotional and psychological struggle over having been romantically and sexuality involved with her great grandpa.

Maybe that was douchey on his part, but Neal figured that he'd earned a few hours of douche time after being murdered and fucked over in every way possible after death by those he'd died to protect.

Besides, Belle had called Emma to say that she'd finally roused his father from a post-coital (gross) slumber and informed him of Neal's re-existence in the land of the living. There were some things he hadn't wanted to "look down on" from anywhere, and while his father and stepmother having sex was a distant second to his true love and stepfather having sex, it was still nasty.

He liked Belle, he really did, but the poor woman clearly had Stockholm Syndrome, and every time she tried to break free, his father went and did something selfless that sucked her right back in. Not that it was bad that his papa did selfless things, just that Rumplestiltskin's timing seemed to kick in some kind of Pavlovian reflex in Belle that kept her coming back for more emotional abuse.

Obviously, his stepmother was as hard to cure of her affliction as his father, which made them a well-suited couple in that dysfunctional way that apparently defined true love in a fucked up fictional world of morality tales on how not to live in order to aspire better living. So... yeah... that sucked for all of them, being God's poster children for screw-ups.

Splat!

The last letter was now covered in bright yellow paint.

"Bae?"

Neal turned and forced himself not to straight up yell at his papa for being an idiot and all of the shit that could hit multiple fans because of some stupid, secret, self-sacrificing attempt at getting rid of the Dark One that had somehow gotten twisted into the man he resurrected becoming an even badder-ass Dark One intentionally.

He almost succeeded when his father pulled him into a tight embrace, faltering on his bad leg. But then he felt the dagger in his father's pocket digging into his ribs and the time for a hug-it-out reunion had ended.

"What the hell are you thinking?" Neal exclaimed, failing miserably at his attempt as he pulled back.

"I-I'm sorry?" Rumple sputtered.

"You'd better be! You switched the dagger for a fake and you really think you can test the containment strength of some ancient magical hat by filling it with knock-off Lord of the Rings monsters, fairies, and Emma?"

Rumple faltered on his cane. "H-how did-"

"I was dead until this morning," Neal cut him off. "Gives perspective. I get it, though. Being the Dark One for three hundred years is dark magic nuking your heart. You finally got the girl and you don't want to tell her you're dying. That and somehow, I guess, Pan's Curse or Snow White's Curse changed again how magic works here, so you dying doesn't mean no more Dark One anymore, it means the Darkness looks for a new host who's most susceptible to becoming its plaything. You figure it'll be Emma since her parents had the Apprentice cast that spell that took away her potential for darkness. If the hat can hold of your shit plus her, then you think it'll hold the Dark One. It won't. Emma's not that powerful. And corrupting her heart, giving her some artificial dark side isn't going to balance her out and make her immune to that magical cancer either. She won't go around murdering people like the rest of you Dark Ones, but it will turn her into an emotionless asshole who treats her family - especially Henry - like shit.

"Now, hand it over," Neal demanded with a not-too-pleased look.

"I'm sorry, Bae, but what other choice do I have?" Rumple asked while awkwardly pulling out the wrapped blade. "It was the only option to try and rid the world of this... disease."

"It's not the only one. You find Excalibur, you fuse it with the dagger plus this dumb flame thing from the Titans or whatever," Neal muttered, "and that's supposed to extinguish the darkness for good. Which could be bullshit too. But, hey, Camelot should probably just be burned to the ground, so it'd be worth the trip for that. It is a silly place. Also, brainwashed and apparently run by that Farquuad guy from Shrek who killed the real King Arthur and stole his identity - and his wife - with the intention to help the Savior come into her powers and free Merlin - and then kill everyone and take over Camelot... all based on some vague lifelong revenge plot.

"Also, Lancelot is somehow not dead and has been eating one too many chaemera meat pies to compensate for being stuck back in a racist kingdom run by a psychopathic wife-raper. But that's really beside the point," he concluded while draping an arm around his father's shoulders.

"Look, Papa, we're going to figure this out. I didn't die so you could kick it a few weeks later and unleash immortal darkness onto my family. But I also didn't die so you could not kick it and unleash immortal darkness onto my family. Also, the lying to Belle thing is not cool. You both need marriage counseling."

"Bae, I don't think-"

"MARRIAGE COUNSELING," Neal said loudly, "or I tell her about the dagger which I am going to switch back. You go to Archie like a good husband, and she doesn't have to know you traded the creepiest marriage proposal token ever for a magic hat box with which to commit temporary murder instead of just asking your damned family for help like a normal person!"

"But no one would help me if I did, Bae!" Rumple complained. "I died for all of them and they didn't even bring me a bloody casserole after I got out of that cage! They didn't ask me if I was okay or send their condolences over losing you. They just ignored me like they always do unless I can lend them magic! Being the Dark One is the only contribution I have to this family of selfish ingrate idiots you tied me to by bedding that dumb blonde princess!"

"Hey, Emma is only a princess by blood, not how she was brought up," Neal countered. "You don't have to say it like that. And she had neurosyphilis from kissing Hook in Neverland and monkey herpes from 'bedding' Walsh. It made her a bit dumb, which isn't her fault. And, anyway, I did propose to my grandfather's cult member, so maybe I'm not that bright, Papa."

"Of course you are, Bae! Don't sell yourself short! Some of the smartest, most successful people had no formal education or gainful employment. You just have to find your calling here, with your family of selfish ingrate idiots."

"Yeah, and that includes you, Papa," said Neal, "on all counts. If you put more faith in this family instead of being a curmudgeon weirdo like you're still living in the Dark Castle, maybe it wouldn't take desperate times for them to come within cursing distance. And maybe you'd find a calling that doesn't include being the Dark One."

Rumplestiltskin gave his son a sour look. "I always hate it when you did that! Twisting my parental advice back at me!"

"Counseling," Neal repeated. "I'm signing you up first thing tomorrow."

"Oh farts," Rumple grumbled.

AN: The King Arthur thing still bothers me. I decided he is the Eobard Thawne of Camelot played by an even creepier version of that douche from Shrek. Brownie points if you know where "Camelot. It is a silly place" came from. Extra fudge on top if you can guess what TV show/character inspired Neal's paintball vandalizing. (Hint: the paint was blue and four actors (that I know of) who had roles on this show at one time or another have also been on OUAT). As to Rumple's hat plan thing, I am just baffled by the logic behind the whole arc from there to the end of 5a. Gold's motives are completely bipolar, one episode/mini-arc about trying to save everyone from "The Darkness" and the next about getting it all for himself, and back and forth and back and forth. A&E say he is a "complex" character. Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaah... no, I don't think they understand what that word means. (Oh, and "Oh farts" belongs to Phil and Mike of The Last Man on Earth, OUAT's much better written competition.)

Next up: Emma does something criminal while on night patrol.