A/N - I'm so sorry I haven't updated in forever! But here you have it :)! This is kinda just a filler chapter. I have a lot in store for the next chapter..! Hope you enjoy, please review and have you seen the new Mockingjay stills? Let's just say they have inspired me for the next chapter! P.s thank you everyone who has fav'd or followed or reviewed! :D
Effie's POV
You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am
Katniss and Peeta were in the games. Haymitch wasn't paying any attention to me. Why did I ever think I meant anything to them? To them I was just another Capitol clone. Just like the rest of them. I had no feelings. It wouldn't matter if I was dead or alive.
My arms were covered in scars and burn marks. Would I ever reach perfection? Would I ever be good enough? It wasn't sure I was strong enough make it through the day.
I looked up at the screen in front of me. Haymitch, Katniss and Peeta's prep and their stylists were fixated on the games but I hated it. I found it hard to watch, but I knew I had to keep an eye on my victors.
"Effie, you do really look a lot better than you used to!" Said one of the people around me. I wasn't paying a lot of attention to them, it wasn't what was important at this moment. Recently I hadn't eaten any food without throwing up after, but it seemed useless, I was still not good enough, not perfect.
I couldn't cope anymore, I felt like I was going to break down. I walked out of the room and into the mirror bathroom, taking a look into the mirror.
I was tired of having to hide all my real emotions for all these years. I just wanted someone to help me. But I just wanted to die before anyone had the chance.
Don't worry.
You can just kill yourself now.
But did I really have the courage to do it? Was there a tiny part of me that actually thought some people may care about me?
Katniss and Peeta will be dead anyway. Or one of them will.
I grabbed my razor and dragged it across my arm, then covered it up with my glove. All my pain is hidden behind a smile. All my insecurity is hidden behind a mask of makeup.
Returning to the room with a grin on my face, I sat back down. There is so much a smile can hide.
Haymitch's POV
Over the last few days, I had found out all I needed to know about Effie. But now I think she's starving herself too. I guess Peeta was right all along, I shouldn't have assumed she was as happy as she appeared to be. Is it too late to help her? I have so many other things on my mind..
Effie's POV
"If you want to be an escort, you have to be perfect. And that means perfect makeup, perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect everything. And you are far from that." My mother told me. I didn't even want to be an escort.
"You're not good enough." My stylist said.
"Just shut up. I don't care about you, you stupid Capitol bitch." Haymitch said.
I had to be perfect. I had to be good enough for them. I had to be skinny. It had been my goal for so long. I just wanted to look like the models. I just wanted to be perfect.
I knew it was stupid, considering everything that was going on. But it wasn't something I could stop now, I couldn't stop starving myself, I couldn't stop cutting myself. I deserved it anyway, for being so useless and pathetic. For being the reason for people's deaths.
If only someone could see behind the mask.
If only someone could see how 'happy' I really was.
If only someone knew how hard it was for me just to get through one day.
"Effie we're gonna have to talk.." Said Haymitch. What did he want this time? He couldn't save me.
"Okay." I answered, following him.
"I'm just gonna ask.. Have you been starving yourself?" He asked.
"Of course not!" I replied, smiling. Just tell him the truth... Why can't you do that for once? Why do you always keep things hidden? Oh yeah, because you deserve it. The voices in my head told me. I scratched my lightly arm with my fake nails to try to make it stop.
"Ah. Yeah. Sure." Haymitch said, an unconvinced and worried tone in his voice.
"Why would I?"
"You haven't eaten anything for days.. I'm not blind."
"Yes I have! Just as normal!" I lied.
"Well if you insist." He said.
I wonder if that kiss actually meant anything... Or was he just drunk? Something in me hoped he had really meant it.