A/N: This part of the fic was inspired by a re-reading of "Descanso" by eyemyohmy on AO3, an excellently written fic dealing with the aftermath of DOTM for Ratchet, which will put this in more perspective if read first though this can stand alone. Credit where credit's due though. This was inspired by that fic, paired with the saddest moment in AOE, one line directly references that fic, and Descanso is beautifully written, therefore worth a read.
(Anything else I have to say is after the end.)
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He'd mourned for Ironhide, oh, how he'd mourned, and he'd prayed to everything he'd long since stopped having the strength to believe in, and he'd fought till all hope was gone and there was nothing left in him with which to fight, searching for a way to bring back his ornery friend (and so much more) - incessantly pestering even Drift in hopes that his friendship with Wing, a mech who'd been all but obsessed with the old tales, could have given him some insight into the working of the Matrix, because Ironhide's Spark had been destroyed too, nothing left of it in the tiny pile of rusty dust and slivers of disintegrated metal that were his mortal remains, and what the Matrix had done for that traitorous glitch it could not do for their pillar of loyal strength.
Apparently even the Matrix had limitations. It needed more than what was left to work with, and every single last drop of hope he had dredges up from the depths of his weary Spark, every endless orn spent without recharge, and everything … everything they tried – they, because it had broken something in their Prime, too, they all knew it – always ended in vain.
He'd fought and tried long beyond the point that it made sense to, long beyond the point that it stopped being for Prime, stopped being for the Autobots, and was just selfishly for himself – he knew it every time he felt the ache of that scar threaded through his Spark where their bond had been, was reminded each time he withdrew from storage in his own frame that last fragment left of Ironhide's armor, untouched by the rust but still so cold and still in counterpoint to a mech who'd been so forcefully alive – up until the day that he had to stop running from the cruel reality of things and say goodbye.
He remembers that moment now, looking up at the executioner's device that Lockdown's arm has transformed into, staring death in the face and unable to run with his body ripped to shreds by these humans.
He remembers the day he'd realized he needed to let go, to let go of the anger and the raging pain, to let of the futile hopes that killed him inside each time they were crushed, to say goodbye to someone who'd held safe a piece of his soul through all those bleak vorns, and laying to rest that sliver of armor he'd held for so long, watching the crimson sunset bloom across the sky in an exceptional display only made bitter by the lack of a certain presence by his side to watch it – because for all Ironhide's vehement cursing about humidity, he could appreciate a display like this for Ratchet's sake – he'd asked then, as if Ironhide could still hear him, if perchance he could see the sunsets of many planets from the afterlife, that he watch Earth's a little more closely.
Right now, he hopes that Ironhide hadn't heard him, and remembering the stubborn black mech cut down so cruelly by Sentinel, he never thought that he could consider Ironhide lucky – lucky not to see this, lucky not to see Lennox cut down too similarly and their Prime lost to them, lucky that everything Ratchet had tried and hoped for to bring him back had failed utterly – and yet here he is.
Their Weapons Specialist would have not gone down easily were he here, especially not after what happened to Lennox – it had been covered up as a drive-by shooting, but they all knew the truth – and with their Prime ambushed by these so called allies and MIA, but eventually he'd have fallen all the same, because it wasn't in his nature to hide and wait, and their enemy hunts them with a brutality reserved only for Decepticons, a brutality they cannot match - will not match, unwilling as they are to trap innocents in the crossfire.
Better then, perhaps, that he not have to see this cruel betrayal too.
Had he known where Optimus is, he'd still not divulge that information, but even as Lockdown's Spark-extractor rips through his armor, even as his broken body spasms in the worst physical agony he's known as his Spark-chamber shatters, he can't seem to bring himself to care about the death staring him in the optics.
He hurts too much, and it isn't the pain of his ravaged frame that extinguishes the last of any will to live - he's healed before from that – but rather the searing agony deep within his Spark of his very essence splintering and his last hopes dying, the slow internal death that one betrayal, Sentinel's, had began and another equally heinous is finishing.
Ratchet wasn't seeking death, just laying low and searching for his lost comrades, but a little more of him had died inside with each one he realized was lost to them – a little more with each pattern of dried Energon and charred infrastructure that was the only testament left of each one he couldn't save – and he's tired, so tired.
Tired of being hunted, tired of being alone, because everyone he cared for most is gone from him now, tired of having no place left to call home.
Cybertron is lost to them, and any thoughts he might have ever had of calling this planet home were extinguished the moment this backstabbing species they'd sacrificed everything for, turned on them.
It might be the twisted bounty hunter who is ripping out his Spark, but in every way that matters, the humans already have.
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A/N (continued):
A million thanks to those of you who have reviewed/faved/followed. A friend is posting this for me, so I'll try to thank you personally if my cellphone cooperates, but if you don't hear from me or don't have an account, you have my deepest gratitude.
To iiii, my lengthier fic will eventually veer into the storyline of AOE, but with changes, and yes ... Well, let's just say, Will and Ironhide are my favorite human and Bot respectively, so you can imagine I want them around ;-) It'll be a while though, but it will happen.