Hey guys! I must have rewritten the end of this chapter like four times. I'm still not sure if I like it. Anyways, just wanted to forewarn you that this chapter is a little intense. I know the whole story is but this chapter really hit home for me in a lot of ways...I hope you see why. As usual, thanks to everyone out there reading this. Muah! XOXO
Chapter Thirty
"Mama".
Naomi woke with a start. As soon as the sunlight hit her eyes, the brightness forced her to close them again. What time was it? Naomi was so tired, she felt sick. God only knew how long it had taken her to fall asleep; or how long she had laid there staring at Sam.
"Mama". The call came again as the sound of little fists could be heard banging on the closed bedroom door.
Awakened by the noise too, Sam rolled over and snuggled up closed to Naomi. He draped an arm over her waist and kissed her neck. "It sounds like our little monkey climbed out of his crib again".
"I know" Naomi groaned. "I'm going to have to start greasing down the side rails just to keep him in there".
Sam laughed. "That would probably only slow him down, not stop him".
"Mama" Isaiah yelled again.
"Alright Zay-Zay. Mama is coming" Naomi said, but made no attempt to move. The queasy feeling in her stomach was only getting stronger.
Lightly brushing hair out of her face, Sam kissed Naomi's cheek. "You seem tired this morning. I can get him for you".
Sam's offer was an enticing one. So many nights, during the first few months of Isaiah's life, Naomi had longed for a partner to help her with late night and early morning baby shifts. It felt good to have that support now. It also felt good to be lying in Sam's arms. Naomi wanted to snuggle further into the bed; have Sam wrap his arms tighter around her.
'It's not love, just sex' suddenly popped into Naomi's head, bringing her back to her senses. Sitting up in a rush, a wave of dizziness washed over her. Taking deep breaths, Naomi pushed through it and dragged herself out of bed. "No, it's okay. I've got him".
Sam studied Naomi carefully. Something was wrong. "Are you sure Nae? Are you feeling okay? You look a little…off".
"I'm fine; just tired, like you said. But we shouldn't confuse Isaiah. He doesn't need to know you spent the night". Naomi grabbed her robe off the floor and covered her exposed flesh.
"I don't think it's that big a deal" Sam disagreed.
"Yes, it is a big deal. He might be young but babies are sponges at this age. They see everything. Isaiah might start to think that his parents are together; that we're one big happy family. We shouldn't give him false hope".
Sam immediately wanted to argue. He wanted to shake Naomi and yell that they could be one big happy family if she stopped hiding from her feelings. But he'd made a silent promise not to push and he was determined to keep it. Sitting up, Sam sighed. "Okay, we'll play it your way. While you see to Isaiah, I'll get dressed and pretend to show up to pick him for the weekend like usual".
"Mama" Isaiah yelled again. His fists were banging on the door at a furious rate now.
"Sounds like a plan" Naomi said hurriedly as she rushed to the door. Careful not to open the door too wide, Naomi stepped into the hallway and closed door behind her. "Good morning Zay-Zay" she cooed, picking him up. "You're up early this morning".
"Ba-na" he shouted with glee.
"You want a banana" Naomi asked, as she walked down the hall. Just the thought of food made her want to throw up. She pushed the urge back. "Alright, let's go find you some breakfast".
…
Naomi's eyes were red and puffy from crying. A constant stream of mucus running from her nose had caused her to run through an entire pack of Kleenex. She couldn't stop crying. It was all she'd been doing since Sam and Isaiah left for the weekend. How had she become a woman in her mid forties who couldn't get her life together? The doorbell ringing momentarily snapped her out of her pity party. Forcing herself off the couch, Naomi went to the front door ready to tell whoever was at the door, probably trying to sell something, that she wasn't interested. But when she answered the door, it wasn't a sales person.
"James" Naomi whispered in disbelief.
"Hey, little sis".
…
Despite Naomi's mood, it was a beautiful day outside. The weather was perfect for taking a stroll through the park. Naomi still couldn't believe her brother was walking next to her. She kept giving him sideway glances, expecting him to disappear at any moment.
"You can stop stealing looks, sis. I'm really here".
"I just can't believe it. You've been in Europe for so long. You haven't stepped foot into the country since…." Naomi trailed off.
"It's okay. You can say it. I haven't set foot in the country since Sasha and the girls died".
"Yeah" Naomi said quietly. "Does mom know you're here"?
James laughed. "I couldn't even sneak into the states without her knowing if I tried. You know how psychic she is. I just spent the last two weeks with mom".
Naomi gasped. "Why didn't she tell me"?!
"That's my fault. I wanted to surprise you".
Naomi punched her brother in the arm.
"Ouch" he complained.
"Oh, please. You barely felt it. At least that explains why she hasn't been riding me so hard lately. She's got another child to distract her".
An awkward silence fell between them. Finally, James asked "so are you going to tell me what's wrong"?
"What makes you think anything is wrong" Naomi hedged.
"Don't play that game with me, sis. When you opened the door, it was obvious you had been crying. Besides, I'm your big brother. I know when something is wrong".
"Why would I think you care" Naomi demanded. With the shock of him really being there wearing off, years of pent up anger were beginning to seep out. "You haven't been here when I needed you for the last six years. You didn't even bother to answer any of my phone calls or letters I sent the first two year you were gone". Tears streamed down Naomi's face. Words couldn't describe how much she'd missed her brother.
"I'm sorry Nae, I truly am. But I couldn't wrap my head around living without my family. Some days I still can't. Every day I ask God why I survived that car crash when my wife and daughters didn't; and why it had to happen less than a year after dad died. I just couldn't face my life without them. I had to leave, escape reality".
"You don't think mom and I weren't grieving too?! Mom needed you. I needed you. And we could've been there for you. But you didn't give us a chance".
"No one could be there for me" James exploded. "Naomi, I couldn't breathe. I wanted to rip off my own skin. All the comfort and support in the world couldn't help that. My family was gone and I wanted to be gone with them".
Naomi had no answer for that. She knew her brother had gone through a terrible ordeal. Put in the same situation, Naomi was almost sure her reaction would have been far worse. All she'd endured was divorce and an unplanned pregnancy and it felt like her life had completely derailed. But all the sympathy in the world for James didn't erase the fact that Naomi had needed him. Was it selfish? Yes. But her big brother disappearing for six years without any contact was equally selfish. James could've been dead for all she knew. So, they were at an impasse.
"Naomi…" James started, after failing to receive a response.
"Just forget it James".
"No, I'm not going to forget it. We're going to get past this; right now".
"There's nothing to get past. You have your position and I have mine. I'm not trying to downplay what happened to you. I know it was traumatic and heartbreaking. My heart broke for you. I miss Sasha and the girls every day. So I understand you needed time and space. But you don't get to just drop back in my life and act like the past six years of no contact didn't happen. I know it pales in comparison but my life hasn't been a picnic in recent years either".
"I know. Mom told me about everything that's happened" James replied, feeling guilty.
"I'm sure she did" Naomi muttered.
James grabbed Naomi by the arm and stopped her dead in her tracks. "Naomi, please" he pleaded. I know what I did was wrong and selfish. But we know each other. Deep down you know that in my grief, I couldn't see another way out. I know you understand. I'm sorry I hurt you; that I wasn't there for you. Give me a chance to make it right".
Naomi wanted to hold onto her anger but she felt herself caving. She never could stay mad at her brother; even when it was warranted. But he was right. She did understand, even though his actions had deeply hurt her. "I really missed you" she choked out, overcome with emotion.
James pulled her into a tight hug. "I missed you too" he whispered. When he released Naomi from the hug, he still kept an arm around her shoulder. They continued their walk through the park.
"I'm mad at myself for letting you off the hook so fast. I'm thinking I should have let you squirm a little longer" Naomi teased, easing the tension between them.
"You couldn't even if you tried. Don't feel bad though. I wouldn't be able to stand my ground against you either".
"True".
"So…are you going to tell me what's wrong" James asked.
"What has mom told you"?
"Apparently, I have a beautiful great niece named Olivia that is living in Spain because Maya is studying abroad".
"Yes, she's so amazing James. And Maya is such a good mother. We both wish she would've waited to have kids but she has really risen to the challenge. And she's still focused on getting an education so she and Olivia can have a better future. I'm so proud of her" Naomi beamed.
"How does it feel to be a grandmother"?
Naomi cut her eyes at her big brother. "If you value your life, withdraw that question".
He held his hands up in defeat. "Withdrawn".
"Good. So, what else has mom told you"?
James didn't beat around the bush this time. "She told me that you're madly in love with Sam, who is now your ex-husband, but you refuse to admit it even though you have another child by him".
"I'm not in love with him".
"Really, Nae"?
"What"?
"You're going to skip right over the divorce, over the fact that he dated Addison for two years, over the incident where he cheated on her with you, and over the part where you secretly had his baby? You're just going to automatically jump over all that and start with protesting how you feel about him"?
"Where exactly was I supposed to start" Naomi demanded. "The whole thing is one big shit show. It shouldn't matter where I started".
James had forgotten how stubborn and frustrating his little sister could be. Sighing in exasperation, he sat down on the nearest bench. "Can we not play this game, please"?
Naomi sat down next to him. "James…" she hesitated. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be difficult. But everyone has been so busy telling me what I think and feel as if I can't decipher it for myself. I'm sick of it. I can't help but be on the defensive".
"Well, if everyone is saying the same thing…"
"It still doesn't make it true" Naomi shouted, her chest heaving up and down from the exertion. Emotionally overwhelmed, she broke down in more tears.
James pulled her into a tight embrace. "Please tell me what's wrong".
Through her uncontrollable sobs, Naomi choked out "I'm pregnant".
"You're what" James asked, completely thrown. He hadn't seen that coming. Naomi didn't answer him. She was to overcome with anguish. James held her and rocked her until she finally calmed down. "Talk to me" he urged.
"I found out this morning. I woke up feeling sick" Naomi explained, purposely leaving out the part where Sam had been in bed with her. She continued, "I thought it was because I was tired but as the morning turned into early afternoon and I still felt terrible, it dawned on me. I realized that I hadn't been feeling well for a few days. So I took a pregnancy test and now I know why".
James nodded. "Is Sam the father" he asked cautiously.
Naomi pulled away from her brother and sat up straight on the bench. She didn't answer.
"He is, isn't he"?
Refusing to answer directly, Naomi turned defensive again. "It doesn't prove anything".
"Naomi..."
"It doesn't prove anything" Naomi repeated more forcefully. "It doesn't prove anything other than the fact that I'm apparently extremely fertile in my older age".
"Why are you sleeping with Sam" James asked, not backing down.
"It's convenient".
"Bullshit".
"Excuse me"?! Naomi whipped her head around and stared down her brother.
"You heard me. It's bullshit. I'm going to ask you the question again and this time I want a real answer. Why are you sleeping with Sam"?
"You know your mood swings are making me dizzy. One minute you're the caring and concerned brother I remember and the next, you're yelling at me. I can't keep up".
"Take a look in the mirror Nae. One minute you're playing the victim and the next, you're Ms. Tough-as-nails. Now stop deflecting the question and answer me damnit! Why are you sleeping with Sam"?
"Not that it's any of your business, but it's just sex".
"That's not an answer".
"Why does it matter so much to you" Naomi spat.
"It doesn't matter to me but it obviously matters to you. You just refuse to admit it. Mom told me about Jake. You had a man who was ready to give you the world but you couldn't fully commit to him. Why do you think that is"?
"James, stop".
James didn't stop. He kept going. "How long did it take for you to fall back into Sam's arm after you broke up with him? A week? A month"?
"James, stop"!
"No, I won't stop Naomi; not until you face the truth. After everything that man has put you through, you gave him an open invitation to your bed".
"So what? I'm a grown woman. I can do what I want".
"You're right, you can but you need to be honest with yourself. You're sleeping with Sam because you can't get him out of your system". James looked down at Naomi's belly. "You literally cannot get him out of your system. You're about to have your third child by him Naomi. Stop lying to yourself and admit it".
"Admit what? There is nothing to admit"!
"Stop lying. Admit that you love him".
"I don't love him" Naomi protested.
"Yes, you do. Despite everything that has happened, you still love him".
"Stop it, James" Naomi screamed.
"No, Naomi; not until you accept the truth. I'm not your friends. I'm not going to walk on eggshells around you because I think you're too fragile. And I'm not mom. I'm not going to aggravate you then back down to keep the peace. I'm your big brother. It's always been us two against the world. Even when we've lied to everyone else, we've never been able to lie to each other. Two peas in a pod, remember"?
Naomi's leg began to shake as she bounced it up and down. Her bottom lip trembled. She had fought for so long and wanted to keep fighting. Denial was her one last safety net. But if one person could force the truth out of her, it was her brother. She could feel the truth bubbling to the surface. "Why are you doing this? Please don't make me do this" she begged.
"I'm doing this because I love you" James said, softening his voice. "I know you feel like you have to protect yourself, protect your heart. But Naomi, by denying your feelings, you're really hurting yourself, causing yourself more damage".
"You don't even like Sam. You said it yourself. He's put me through hell. Sam is the real danger". Naomi argued, grasping at straws.
"Sam and I have had our issues over the years" James conceded. "I want to hurt him really bad for how he betrayed you with Addison, but I don't hate him; because if there is one thing that I never doubted about Sam, it's his love for you. I don't know what happened to you guys. I never expected to come home and find you guys divorced. In my limited opinion, your divorce was a huge mistake. It's clear as day. And I've only been home for five minutes. Look, I know he hurt you deeply Naomi and that keeping Isaiah away from him hurt him deeply. But if you two were going to get past each other, you would've done it by now".
Naomi didn't respond.
"Nae"?
"Fine" Naomi whispered, closing her yes. More tears streamed down her face. "I love him. I love him so much, sometimes it's hard to breathe. She opened her red eyes and looked at her brother. "But it still doesn't change anything because I can't trust him. What happened between him and Addison…that is something I can't get over. All the love in the world can't make up for trust. So tell me James, what am I supposed to do now"?
James looked at his little sister. She looked so tired, so weary. He wrapped his arm back around her. "I don't know sis, but I'll be right here to help you figure it out. I left once, but I won't do it again. I'm here as long as you need me; two peas in a pod".
"Two peas in a pod" Naomi repeated softly. "Thanks J. I really did miss you".
"I really did miss you too Nae. I missed you too".
…
Sam trailed Naomi into the kitchen. They had just spent the past few hours watching Isaiah meet and bond with his uncle James. They had become instant pals; such pals that Zay had chosen James to put him to bed. "I still can't believe he's here after six years of radio silence. When he opened the door, I thought I saw a ghost".
Naomi smiled. "Join the club. And according to him, he plans on sticking around for a while". She turned on the sink faucet, preparing herself to do the dishes.
Sam walked up behind her, pressed up against her backside. Placing his hands on her hips, he kissed her neck. "I guess that explains why you didn't come over last night" he whispered in her ear.
Her knees felt weak. Her body felt aroused. Naomi could feel her heart pounding out of her chest. Damn James for making her face the truth when no one else could. He had always had the uncanny ability. Now the man she had loved all her life, but couldn't be with, was behind her, touching her, and seducing her. "I guess so" Naomi agreed, playing it cool.
"Well, do I get to stay here tonight"?
"With my brother down the hall" Naomi asked incredulously.
"What? Like we haven't done it before. We were married for almost two decades. James came to visit plenty of times during that time span. Besides…." Sam squeezed Naomi's hips tighter. "I missed you last night. I promise to be quiet".
Naomi bit her lip. She desperately wanted to say yes. She'd missed him too; she had already gotten used to having him next to her every night. Sleeping in a bed by herself last night had felt so lonely. But she stood firm. "Not tonight. As a matter of fact, I think we should stop all together".
Sam froze. "What the hell do you mean stop"?!
As she started scrubbing the dishes, Naomi answered "We've had fun over the last several weeks, but we both knew this was only temporary. I think we should stop now while we're still on semi-good terms".
"No". Sam wanted to scream. Just when they were finding their groove, Naomi was starting to run again. What had spooked her this time? Was it James? Sam didn't think so. Despite their issues, James had never interfered in their relationship. Sam knew James was aware of how much he loved Naomi. Then what was it? Reaching out, he shut the water off and turned Naomi around. "What's wrong"?
Naomi refused to make eye contact. "Nothing".
"What's wrong"?
"Nothing. I've just been thinking about how careless and reckless we've been lately. It's time we started being the grownups we keep claiming to be".
"We already are grownups. And grown people have sex. How is having a little fun all of a sudden careless and reckless"?
"Because, we never stopped to think about the consequences".
"What consequences" Sam fumed, growing frustrated.
"I'm pregnant, Sam" Naomi shouted. "How more irresponsible can we get that that? We've barely managed to co-parent Isaiah in a civilized manner and now we've thrown another baby into the equation. This is a disaster".
Sam barely heard anything past the words 'I'm pregnant'. She was having his baby. A silly grin spread across his face. He lifted Naomi off her feet and spun her around.
"Sam, stop! Put me down" Naomi begged, feeling like she was about to throw up.
Sam gently put her down but continued to hold her close. "I can't believe it. We're having another baby. I couldn't be happier. I love you Nae" he said softly. Leaning down he captured her lips with his.
Naomi's nausea immediately dissipated. Why did kissing Sam feel so right, so safe? She touched his face and drew him closer. Maybe it was a good thing. Maybe they could really be a family again. She loved him so much. And they were having a baby…just like he'd wanted to have one with Addison. That one single thought brought her out of the trance. "No, no, no" she moaned. "This is wrong". She backed away from Sam and tried to get her bearings.
"No, this is exactly right. I love you Naomi and I'm tired of keeping that to myself. I'm tired of pretending it's just about sex. I love you more than life itself and I know deep down you love me too. Having another baby is a sign we belong together".
"Don't lie to me Sam. You're just projecting your feelings for Addison onto me. I know you really wish it was her standing here, not me. You've always loved her. I'm just a replacement".
"Have you ever noticed that you're the only one that ever brings her up? I'm tired of it, Nae. I know I can't take back how much I hurt you by being with her but your days of using her as an excuse or over. Your days of insisting that I never loved you are done. Addison is not our problem. The only person standing in our way is you".
"Then prove it Sam"!
"I am proving it just by being here! If I wanted Addison, I would be at her door begging her to take me back. Instead I'm here with you, begging you to love me". Sam pulled Naomi against him, made sure she was looking in his eyes. "I want you Naomi; I've always wanted you. You once asked me why I chose to date Addison and I didn't have an answer for you. But I've thought about it and now I know".
"What was the reason" Naomi asked shakily, her breathing feeling labored. She was afraid to learn the answer.
"Because, I couldn't have you".
"You're blaming me"?!
"No, I would never do that. What I'm trying to convey is that after the divorce, I was really lost without you. I wanted you back but you were busy enjoying your life, dating other men. I naturally gravitated towards Addison because she was the only person who understood how I was feeling. She was the only one who knew you as well I as I did, who truly knew how much I loved you. We bonded closer together over you and eventually I started to think that if I couldn't be with you, I could at least be with the person closest to you".
"Sam" Naomi whispered, his words piercing into her soul.
"I didn't stop to think about how it would affect you" he said regretfully. "And, I didn't realize at the time that I was using one of our dearest friends and inserting her in the middle. Everything is my fault; I hurt both of you and ruined your friendship. I've destroyed everything in my path over my selfish desire to have you. In truth, I don't deserve to have you but at the same time I don't think I can live without you, Nae. I love you and I'm begging you to love me back".
Naomi looked at Sam in wonder and awe; his whole aura smelled of frenzied desperation. His eyes were red and bloodshot from trying to control his emotions. "You really do love me, don't you"?
"Yes, I do. I always have and I always will".
"Sam" Naomi said quietly, wiping a lone tear that had escaped from his eye. "I love you too. I've tried so hard to exorcise you from my heart but you still hold me captive" she finally admitted. How could she not after that confession. "Is that what you've been waiting to hear"?
"Only if it's true. Please tell me it's true" Sam whispered desperately, afraid to believe what he was hearing. He grazed his lips against hers.
"It is true" Naomi said, shaking inside and out. She felt so vulnerable and exposed by being so honest with him. She closed her eyes momentarily and indulged as Sam gave her soft kisses. Reluctantly, she pulled her face away. "Wait, Sam" Naomi moaned. "This still isn't an easy fix. The trust in our relationship is broken".
"We can build the trust back. Give me a chance to earn it back" Sam suggested. "As long as we love each other; that has to count for something. It gives us a reason to keep fighting".
"It's not just about us, Sam. We have children to consider. And while I know we will both love this child I'm carrying as much as we love our son, bringing another child into this world in our present situation is a mistake. We were irresponsible and stupid to do this to Isaiah in the first place, let alone another baby".
Sam shook his head fervently, clinging tighter to her. He rested is forehead against hers. "I disagree. You're just saying that because you're scared and I understand why. I messed up really, really bad; but we're not beyond repair. We're meant to be a family. True, are situation isn't ideal but Isaiah and this new baby are blessings, not mistakes. If anything, they're the very reason we belong together. Please Naomi, give us another chance".
Naomi closed her eyes. Her hands clung to Sam's shoulders. She felt his warm cheek next to hers. Their lips brushed against each other. She was so dangerously close to giving in. They were in love with each other, so madly in love. And though it would take time, trust could be rebuilt. So why not agree to being with the love of her life and raising their children together? Naomi was so close to caving, to leaning in and sealing their reunion with a kiss. But her protective instincts kicked in at the last possible moment. Naomi backed away again. "No".
"Naomi…"
"I said no. Our time has come and gone. Just leave, Sam".
"Naomi…"
"I said get out" Naomi screamed to hard, her throat felt raw. "The only thing I need from you is space. Just give me a little space, Sam".
Sam's face was crestfallen. He was absolutely devastated. Without uttering a single word, he walked past Naomi and out the door.