Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.

PART II

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

DON'T BE A MENACE TO STORYBROOKE WHILE DRINKING YOUR JUICE IN ROBIN'S HOOD

"Dude, you're an idiot," Neal told the man sitting at the bar.

Robin Hood looked up from the drink he was moping in and with a bewildered expression uttered, "What?"

"An idiot," Neal repeated.

"Um... why?" asked Robin.

Neal snorted. "Let me count the ways."

He began ticking off on his finger as he spoke:

"You broke into the Dark One's castle using a stolen glamour charm you shoved up your ass."

"I didn't have a lot of options before your father shackled me to a wall!" exclaimed Robin.

"You could have not used a glamour and traded that trinket to my father for a potion to save your wife instead of being tortured for weeks," said Neal, raising another finger, and before Robin could come up with an argument for that one amended:

"Your wife died under mysterious circumstances with no body, and you just chose to believe she was dead and it was all your fault."

"Will Scarlet said-"

"Will Scarlet was a traitor. And yet you never went back and questioned all of the things he told you and did during heists, especially your wife's death," Neal ticked off.

"You let a stranger use your son as monster bait," he continued, amending, "I'm not proud of that one either, but to be fair, I had recently suffered a lot of blood-loss after being shot by my fiancé who was my evil grandfather's minion, fell through a portal which have serious PTSD about, and was treated by people who think appendicitis is caused by a toad living in their stomach."

"Appendicitis?" was Robin's remark.

Neal rolled his eyes. "And also didn't get any of my pop culture references. It was really annoying."

After a pause, he continued, "And speaking of Mulan, you finally get a team member who wants to do something about the amoral cesspool the Enchanted Forest had become since the Dark Curse - or bigger amoral cesspool - and you welcomed her by making her baby-sit your kid while you and your mates got drunk and had belching and farting contests."

"It's what Marian used to do," Robin defended.

"No wonder she faked her death and went into hiding," muttered Neal.

"What was that?"

"I said, you then met a woman you knew from word of mouth and towns filled with corpses was bad news," Neal answered, "and decided because she had a heaving bosom and was known not to give a flying fuck about chastity values, that if she acted nice enough and didn't try to kill your son in the first five minutes of knowing her, then she had to be reformed and would surely spread her legs for you if you teased her enough."

"That's not entirely ac-"

"And then," Neal interrupted, "you learned Regina murdered your wife in a public execution for failing to tell her where Snow White was - not that reason is relevant even - and you were like, 'that's cool, whatevers, it's all in the past. Hey, Roland, want to go get more ice cream with the hot lady who killed mommy while I take a shit in the woods?'

"I mean, Jesus Fucking Christ man!" he exclaimed, "If I'd have known Tamara was my grandfather's brainwashed homicidal minion who wanted to kidnap my son and blow up Storybrooke before I met her, and when she did, she was wearing a low cut top and said she was real sorry about all that stuff, I would have thrown my scolding hot coffee all over her tits and told her to fuck the hell off!"

"But... she's sorry," Robin sputtered.

"And you're a horny asshole who's case of blue balls is so bad after twenty-nine years that you'd apparently fuck your wife's murder next to her frozen corpse and then go back to screwing your wife when she thawed out in my apartment because Regina who stole my keys out of my suitcase after her sister killed me and when your cursed wife that you don't even love anymore needed to leave Storybrooke to escape being turned back into the popsicle she was the day before when you were shagging Regina right next to what you were really hoping was her corpse so you'd never have to deal with her again, woke up, your true love thought, what the hell, they can live there!

"Which, you know, not fucking cool, man," said Neal. "But then when my father showed up, you'd have been like 'Hey, Rumplestiltskin, the dude whose home I broke into and then was squatting in and who saved my wife and child's life, while you are clearly suffering a heart attack - get the fuck out of your son's home and here's his stuff that you should throw in the trash if you don't drop dead in a gutter because it's cramping my style up in this one bedroom apartment I am living in with no job or prospects and having lots and lots of sex with my wife that I still don't love, but somewhere along the way she became seriously kinky in bed, and I am totally into that and not questioning why our how, so get the fuck out, you old crippled geezer!'

Neal shook his head before continuing, "Naturally Marian would have really been Zelena, your mistress' sister, wearing your lucky asshole charm and raping you nightly and had gotten knocked up, you were like 'I must stay with her to be honorable but really only because she is suddenly so dirty in bed' for five minutes before Regina's top button came lose over a pint of beer and changed your tune to 'Let's not think about this and go bang!' And did I mention you were cool with fucking my murderer and your own rapist in my apartment after telling my father to fuck off and die throwing my stuff in the fucking trash!?"

"I don't recall any of that," said Robin.

"Duh, because Emma prevented it from happening," Neal told him.

Robin's brows furrowed. "I don't understand."

"Time travel, you idiot!" sighed Neal. "Stuff that happened first because of a time travel screw up but was unwritten after more travel. Stuff that no one else remembers, but I do, because I was dead. Gives me fluidity in the space-time continuum, and that's the shit that did and thus would have gone down if Zelena had survived again.

"She'd have killed your wife instead of Regina," Neal explained, "impersonated her, raped you, gotten pregnant, and when the kid was born, you and Regina would have made a big to-do about what better people you are and how Zelena didn't deserve a second chance - you know, unlike Regina's million and one of those - and banished her to Oz so you could immediately leave your newborn and your son so you could go to the Underworld to save Hook. Naturally, Zelena would come back from Oz, beat the shit out of Belle, and take Baby Pink Blanket or Green Bean or whatever you were calling her for the five months or whatever before you two selfish dicks actually got around to naming the kid... or renaming her, or whatever.

"Seriously, I am gonna personally ensure that Regina never gets un-sterilized here," declared Neal, "and you are going to Dr. Whale in the morning to get a vasectomy to ensure you don't impregnate some other villain with a vendetta against Regina who can shapeshift or just get you slightly tipsy."

Robin scowled at him and blubbered, "Why are you being so mean, mate? I thought we were friends."

"Friends don't use their friends' kids as bait, you idiot! We knew each other for like ten hours at the most. Which is the only reason you're excused for sleeping through my funeral service!"

"I couldn't help it, it was boring," Robin retorted. "Just like you."

"Yeah, well, at least I have more than one facial expression and a modicum of honor," argued Neal. "I was also in Neverland, and you weren't, so I know all about Pan's truth magic and that Regina said and meant it that she would murder and rape and destroy worlds all over again just to get Henry - a child she took fraudulently who only existed because she destroyed Emma's family. The fact that her kiss broke a spell is actually meaningless, since all those castings of the Dark Curse fucked up how magic works in this world - where it was already fucked up - and especially because Emma's parents refused to pay the price for it.

"True love here is complete bullshit, Robin," Neal told him. "The way things are going, Charles Manson could probably revive Sharon Tate with a smoochy and they'd fall in love and raise her kid together as soulmates."

"I have no idea who those people are."

"A psychopathic asshole and the pregnant woman he killed and mutilated. Which, around here, is just about the makings of an epic love story."

"I think that's a bit exaggerated."

"Did I mention the part where you were going to get raped by your lover's sister and insist on staying with your pregnant rapist to raise your rape baby with her?"

"Please stop saying-"

"Rape baby?" Neal cut him off. "It's what the kid was. And she's not real. Trying to sugar coat it with some bullshit that you're uncomfortable or it's unfair to little Pink Blanket who doesn't even understand her own bowl movements is just a half-assed way to try and get out of admitting that you're an amoral sicko who's into other amoral sickos."

Neal pointed at him, demanding, "Just admit it already and stop calling yourself an honorable man, Robin. Embrace our sick psychopath fetish. Admit it, you're the male version of those chicks who get engaged to incarcerated serial killers. And if that's your thing, stop pretending otherwise. But don't drag your kid into it. Give him a chance to escape your end of the gene pool with some nurturing that doesn't include a stepmother who gaslit her stolen baby into thinking he was crazy before poisoning him and wiping his memory of her plan to kill everyone he loved and kidnap him to raise alone with just her in her big castle Bates Motel style."

After a pause, Neal considered, "At least if Regina is out of the equation, you've got the Merry Men helping you, and sure they're a bunch of uneducated doofuses, but at least Little John seems nice... apart from the Monkey Herpes."

"Monkey Herpes?"

"From being a Flying Monkey. It's why they're insane and don't live very long without Zelena's magical intervention. I guess Walsh had regular herpes and it mutated when Zelena transformed him and was transmitted by his bites. Between that and the syphilis Hook passed around into generations of royals through all of his bar maid raping and my father's secret bastard baby trade hobby, this town should have a public health emergency declared. Hope that strange midnight supply train from nowhere has a lot of condoms and penicillin or half the town will look like they tried to fuck a toad - which is not actually how people get genital warts, just so you know."

"Are you quite done?" sighed Robin.

"No. You also smell like the forest," said Neal, "and not like the Old Spice forest. More like that forest where Regina killed those hundreds of people and left their bodies to rot. Seriously, dude, shower using soap and then put on deodorant and clothes you haven't worn for a week and washed in a washing machine with detergent and bleach."

"Are you saying I stink?" Robin asked, brows furrowed.

Neal threw some money on the bar, unable to take that befuddled Cletus The Slack-jawed Yokel expression any longer.

"Maybe you should get your head examined, Robin," he told the blonde man. "You must have whatever traumatic brain injury Emma's mom is suffering from, because I don't have the words to accurately describe the amount of stupid sitting next to me right now."

He got up and headed for the door then, leaving Robin still sporting that expression.

"Careful," said the man sitting a few stools down, "it might stick that way."

"Fuck off, Nottingham!" growled Robin.

"It's Keith!" the ex-Sheriff spat back. "And I shagged the Evil Bitch Queen first!"

Robin leapt up and pinned 'Keith' against the bar. "Liar! You take that back! Regina said she hadn't been with anyone since Daniel!"

"Well conceptually," scoffed Nottingham. "Her mummy dosed her with a lust potion on our first date. And the bitch totally raped this town's former sheriff for like... forty years."

He grinned. "But hey, if what Dark One Junior said is true, I guess you're into that shit!"

"Shut up before I pull your tongue out!"

"Been there, done that," said the former Sheriff, pushing him off, and being slightly less drunk and thus having the advantage. "Admit it, Hood, you're no better than I am. You're not honorable, you're just desperate to not be who you really are, because deep down it fills you with shame that you're not an honorable man. That you didn't love your wife. That everything you've done has been to keep up appearances - until you met Regina, and thanks to all the heroes being delusional morons, you could be with a psychopath and still be considered a good man. Well, you can't. So either you stop trying to be and embrace the evil pussy, or you start trying for realsies to be a good guy by putting your son first for the first time in his short life."

Robin glared at the other man. "When the hell did you get so introspective?"

"After Rumplestiltskin cut out my tongue for like a whole fucking year because he up and committed murder suicide a couple of days after hacking it off," said Nottingham. "I only got it back yesterday, because I sent him a 'Glad you got resurrected/sorry to hear about being held prisoner and molested by a crazy bitch' card.' Pretty sure I'm the only one who sent one, despite not being present or specifically included in the 'dying to save you' thing.

"You people are all selfish pricks," concluded Keith as he too paid his bill and staggered off.

Robin sighed and decided he'd had enough soul searching. To the bartender he said, "Put it on my tab, Micky."

He was already lost in hazy, Homer Simpson-like thought as the man behind the bar shouted after him, "It's 'Mike', you selfish prick!"

AN: Sooooo did I beat the dead horse enough of how much I FUCKING HATE morons who keep insisting that I not use the term "rape baby" for Pink Blanket because it's "insulting and will emotionally traumatize" Pink Blanket A FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTER WHO IS A RAPE BABY? So, yeah, those people suck flying monkey balls. Anyway, Robin is a doofus and I hate his character and see nothing redeeming about him. He's not a lovable Forest Gump doofus, he's just a doofus. And where Hook has his pretty boy looks and floor-kissing qualities that redeem him on a comic relief level, Robin is just... ugh... taking up space! He's a Marty Stu who acts like those serial killer fangirls. If Snow White acquired some intelligence-reducing illness, Robin Hood was just born stupid, and short of some Flowers for Algernon plot device, there's no cure for his dumbshittery. (The toad thing is from "Theodoric of York, Medieval Barber", an old Steve Martin SNL sketch.)

Next up: Neal and Henry finally bond over ice cream, which can't lead to anything good.