Chapter Twenty-three
Gaara and Sakura's walk had started off quiet. The redhead held his umbrella up while the rosette held a solid grip around his arm. After some time, as Gaara had said, the rain subsided to small drops and then to nothing. Before long, he had shook the umbrella before handing it off to some of his sand. Behind the two of them, a trail of grains, carrying their items of food followed closely behind.
Sakura grimaced at a pile of dust that seemed to linger to the side of her. She hadn't noticed it until it playfully wrapped around her ankle. She had shaken it off, only to have it chase her. She almost turned to Gaara because of this. To ask him what the purpose of his teasing was, until she realized this small pile was about the same size as the one that followed her around yesterday.
'Gaara said it wouldn't bother me anymore.'
She stole a quick glance at the sand before looking back up at the young man in her arms. She had wanted to ask him why he brought it back out, but had the vaguest idea that he may not even realize the sand that was traveling next to her.
'I know his sand guards him against his will, but does it really have a mind of its own? Does he not have full control?'
She decided to not speak about it to Gaara yet. It was suppose to be a nice night for the two of them, so she didn't want to disturb him as he lead her towards the village's only entrance and exit.
"Gaara?" She asked as they stepped out of the village's boundaries.
"Where is it exactly we are going?"
To her question, Gaara could feel a mischief smile wanting to spread on him. He knew she was confused, which made him more entice for her reaction when she saw what he had planned.
"Just a little more ways." He said while leading her into the isolate desert.
"Shall I carry you?"
Sakura turned to him with wide eyes.
"No." She laughed a little.
"I think I can manage."
She watched curiously as Gaara leaned forward towards her, his eyes studying her feet for some time.
"W-What is it?" She asked under his intense stare.
"Your feet." Gaara answered in time.
He studied them a little more closely before bringing his solemn gaze back up to Sakura's. Under his stern look, the rosette felt nervous. What had been wrong with her feet?
"They're vulnerable. You really should let me carry you."
Sakura had to stifle a giggle before playfully nudging Gaara. She remembered those words with ease from the day he took her shopping. Back then his voice had been so serious as he suggested she get herself new shoes. However, it was remarkable to her to now see him so playful around her. The day he took her shopping, she would have never believed he would be joking with her like he was now. Let alone, many other things.
"I don't know if you're trying to get me to laugh, or trying to convince me to let you carry me."
Sakura turned from the redhead, looking ahead of her towards their destination. She did not notice as Gaara's stare lingered on her profile for some time, a small smile gracing his lips.
"Perhaps, both." He answered before turning to the same direction she was looking at.
Sakura smiled when she saw a palm tree in the distance. Next to the crooked tree, Sakura could make out a little oasis. Her smile turned into a grin when she noticed the hanging lights from the tree. Surely that was their destination, and Gaara had spared some time to decorate it lightly.
"You did this?" Sakura asked in awe, tracing her hand against the bark of the tree while staring up at the hanging lights.
Gaara waved his hands slightly towards his sand, using his magic to lay out the blanket and food.
"Is this alright for you?" He asked while inspecting the spot and doing his best to wipe some of his grains off the blanket.
"Of course." Sakura beamed, her grin growing.
"Thank you."
Sakura dragged her hand down the bark of the tree once more, noticing a tiny etching carved into the tree's hard skin.
"Come sit with me."
She heard Gaara speak before she could inspect the little marking any further. It probably didn't even matter. So she turned herself around, smiling at the display of food Gaara had exhibited in the open. By the time she settled herself next to him on the blanket, he was already handing her a plate.
'How lucky can one girl be?' Sakura thought with a blush on her face.
She brushed her fork across the food for some time, thinking how fortunate she was to become this close to Gaara. Had this been the same caring, and affection, she could have been furbished to long ago? Why did she wait so long? Then again, the thought of anyone else besides Gaara doing this for her just didn't lift her spirits like he did.
"What are you thinking?"
Sakura turned with wide eyes when said man had asked her this. He was wise beyond his years she decided, and despite his lack of fully grasping basic social skills, he did well studying peoples body language. She hadn't said a word, yet he knew her mind was lingering on a heavy thought. As she brought her eyes and smile back up to him, she could see his body shift and eyes soften. She still had an affect on him every time he took in her smile.
"How lucky I am to have met you." Sakura said before turning back to her food.
Gaara studied her after she spoke for some time before he uttered a confession as well.
"I feel the same every time you smile my way."
Sakura blushed deeper to his words before turning back to him, when she did, his gaze had already left her, and she watched as he brought some meat to his mouth. Immediately her eyes widened to the pink, dripping, slab of food he swallowed so easily. She was reminded of his taste for raw meat.
'Sweet, carnal man.' She thought jokingly.
She shuddered at the idea though of trying such raw meat. Again, illnesses plagued her mind.
"Craving raw meat tonight?"
Gaara licked his lips, silently slurping down some of the bloody droplets that graced his chin.
As he turned to her, he held no shame in his eyes. He already explained to her these urges that were driven into him by Shukaku, and as much as he respected the rosette, she would never be able to deter him from the delicacy. Not that he ravished in it often anyway, but he nodded at her before pointing a finger far behind her.
Sakura turned to see where the redhead's digit was aiming at. Out in the desert, she could see nothing but a barren land of sand. Perhaps his perception was stronger than hers and he could sense something in the distance. However, as the clouds moved above her, and a bright light lit up the land, Sakura gazed up at the giant moon.
She smiled while marveling it's beauty. Somehow it seemed bigger and closer here than when she gazed upon it from home. It was a perfect circle, and before she could even say it in her mind, Gaara spoke.
"Full moon."
Sakura returned her eyes and smile back to Gaara.
"It's beautiful." She murmured.
Gaara kept his eyes on the moon still, never turning them towards her as he spoke.
"Beautiful, but dangerous."
Sakura's eyes went round to his say. She had never heard someone describe the moon as dangerous. Then again, she never knew someone like Gaara who seemed to perceive the world differently than others.
"What do you mean?" She asked, earning his eyes back on her.
As he took in her pensive look, he felt his heart soften and mind criticize him. His words had slipped out him before he could fathom that he may speak in a way that would frighten the young woman. While he knew she was knowledgeable of a dark past he once had, the many details of it he was still not ready to indulge her in. Her smile on him was sweet, her eyes caring, despite his attempt at killing her when they were young.
No matter how passive he was to her at the start of all this, how readily he was to dismiss her and her help, her eyes shone when they were facing him. He held many secrets, and perhaps in time she would learn of them. For now though, he was much too afraid of scaring her away. Too afraid to admit to her how anxious the giant orb behind him made, how it brought up dark images from before in his mind. How dry his throat felt tonight, and knew only a dangerous drink could quench his sudden thirst.
Quickly, he tried to dissipate the grim atmosphere. This would not be the first time he suppressed weird urges that the moon pulsed into him. Yet, with Shukaku gone, he wondered why he felt as driven to do them as when the Ichibi still lingered in his mind, voicing his approval. Gaara returned for a minute to his mind, to make sure the once loud, sand tanuki hadn't somehow remained behind. However, where once was a creature whose only voice was willing to speak to him, he found silence.
"Gaara?"
Gaara turned back to the young woman and shook his head at her, trying to grace his features with a soft smile so she became no wiser to his dark thoughts. He had planned this night for her, to thank her, to bask in as much of her as he could. Her warm presence kept his dark impulses at bay already. He could do this night for her.
"Just reminded me of something. From long ago..."
Sakura simply nodded to his answer, his tone made her all to aware that it was a story he leave a secret. Instead, she watched as he turned to reach for another box, pulling out something before turning to hand it off to the young woman. Her eyes immediately twinkled when she saw the pastry he was trying to hand off to her.
"Cake!" Sakura beamed, hesitating none to reach for the plate.
She was oblivious to Gaara's stare on her. A smile graced him again when he saw Sakura's giant grin and beaming eyes. She surely enjoyed her sweets, he thought.
"You look at that cake with such admiration." Gaara spoke.
Sakura turned her eyes to the redhead, only taking in his words while she chewed on the dessert. However, her eyes twinkled when she saw a playful smirk on his lips.
'Cute.' She admitted about him when he took a chance at smiling.
"Makes me a little envious."
Sakura swallowed hard, his words baffling her slightly.
"Envious?" She asked.
"Jealous." He rephrased, causing Sakura to huff lightly.
"I know what envy means." Sakura grimaced lightly, glancing quickly at the cake before back to him.
"I don't understand though."
"The way you look at it. Your eyes light up so brightly."
Sakura shrugged at this, unsure if he was being serious or simply joking.
"It's just a piece of cake. You're human. It's odd to compare yourself to it." Sakura chuckled lightly before speaking again.
"You should be scared if I look at you the way I look at cake."
To her small joke, Gaara smiled softly, which in turn made the rosette blush. She loved when he smiled her way.
"You're right." He admitted before turning his eyes back up to the moon that was now above them.
"Apologies. I've grown so fond of you, perhaps I'm becoming a little selfish."
"Selfish?" Sakura inquired, putting her now empty plate next to her.
Despite her words, Gaara's eyes remained glued to the moon above him.
"Possessive."
"Of me?!" Sakura cried, bewildered Gaara would admit such a flaw to her.
Her outcry caused the young man to return his full attention on her. Her eyes were of surprise and he studied her passively for a moment, wondering if his words now would scare her away. He nodded though, deciding she deserved some truths out of him. He studied her eyes still as they grew more round, shock on her features. He felt his heart begin to race, not sure if the full moon was to blame for the palpitations or if he worried of her repercussion.
"I see." She said, sweeping her eyes and frown to the ground below her.
Instant regret settled in the redhead.
"But I know that sort of thing is unhealthy. You're not something of mine to own. You are your own free person."
Despite his words, Sakura's frown was still heavy and panic rose more in Gaara.
"As much I would like to. I wouldn't chase away others just because you smile towards them."
She still did not face him, and his words grew more desperate because of this.
"You are not some pretty bird to cage up. Your choices are as precious to me as they are to you. I would never try to tear you away from your friends or family. I'd never try to keep you hidden away from someone else."
Gaara could think of nothing else to say, and his face grew frantic while he took in Sakura's dim mood still. He wondered if he scared her, despite him saying that he would do otherwise than keep her locked up. He did not know, that inside her own mind, the reason her frown was so heavy was because she was internally struggling.
"I'd never try to keep you hidden away from someone else."
The words rang in her mind like a constant bell. Annoying, but reminding her that there was someone else. There was another besides the young lord in front of her that she would gladly smile at. Who she wanted to give all her heart to once. Give her everything. She struggled to think who in her mind she would rather pour her everything to. Gaara, or Sasuke. That thought itself was completely unfair to the young man in front of her. He didn't deserve to think she was all his when in fact, she had no idea who to give herself to.
Sakura felt sick as guilt settled heavy in her stomach. She needed to share the truth with Gaara, the truth being that if Sasuke returned to her someday, she wasn't sure which one of them she would choose. She bit her lip while Gaara continued to try to ease her mind, it was heartbreaking for her knowing he was doing all he could to make her more comfortable around him while she was about to reveal to him that there was another. She had to be strong though, she reminded herself. Gaara deserved happiness in his life and than more. It wouldn't be fair to lead him on any longer.
"There..." Sakura tried to speak, her breath getting caught in her dry throat.
To her murmur, silence settled around them. From her look, Gaara knew the rosette wanted to say something serious. It was her look that made his heart pound and mind grow fuzzy. That dreaded expression that warned him, when he was young and Shukaku was on edge, to keep his composure. For the words he would hear may make him lash out. He waited, what felt like an eternity, for her to speak. When she didn't, he voiced himself again.
"I-I'm sorry." He stuttered, his always cool temperament suddenly cracking.
"I shouldn't have said those things. Don't be upset with me."
Sakura bit her lip harder, she wanted to correct him. To tell him her sudden demeanor was not his fault. That the infatuation he had for her wasn't in the wrong, it was normal to protect a lover from what you perceived as a threat. She wanted to ease his mind of his doubts, to tell him his feelings were normal, and she was happy to hear his attraction to her was strong. Yet, she knew the next words that would come out of her mouth may crush the young man in front of her. He didn't deserve that, she thought, but he also didn't deserve to be mislead.
"Please."
Sakura scoffed at his begging. It was just too painful to think she was about to break a great man in front of her.
"There's another." She whispered, yet loud enough for his ears.
Silence. Dead silence. It was suddenly quiet, so very quiet. It irked Sakura so much so that she kept her gaze away from the redhead in front of her. He didn't say anything for some time, and neither could she. As the seconds passed, the rosette just felt the need to run. To escape. She couldn't look at him and see his pain. She was somewhat surprised that he hadn't yet asked her what she meant, or to what she was referring to. Perhaps he understood her better than she thought, or maybe he was just familiar with disappointment.
"This was all a lie?"
Sakura's eyes grew wide to that accusation, and despite the hurt in his voice, she forced her gaze onto him. Unlike her, his eyes had remained stern on her. His gaze was passive, but she could see a flicker of anger in his teal orbs.
"No!" She practically cried.
"Of course not! My feelings for you have always been genuine!"
Despite his hard look, Sakura kept her cool. She knew he was trying to intimidate her, to make her falsely admit that she was lying to him. He was trying to get her to say that none of this had been real, for that type of betrayal was familiar to him. She wouldn't know, but he reprimanded himself for letting her trick him like this. To call him friend just to toy with his emotions. To make him feel something he thought he couldn't.
'Damn her.'
Where his eyes have been soft always to the rosette, his gaze was now hard. Outwardly she was still, but inwardly Sakura shook at the rage she could see building behind his orbs.
"Please believe me..." She begged.
She studied Gaara still, he blinked rapidly, as if he was burying himself in a deep thought.
"The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you." Sakura continued to plea.
"I'm begging you to believe me when I say I regret nothing."
His eyes were still hard on her, but inside Gaara felt himself soften a little hearing she had been sincere. Just a little.
"I'm not sure what this all means. I'm not ready to lose you, but I also don't want to be misleading you."
Sakura was on the verge of tears. She regretted nothing yet regretted everything. She wasn't sure if she had done wrong or right. However, it was more than evident to her that she didn't want Gaara to go back to looking at her like she was nothing in his life.
"I'm sorry." She bubbled before breaking down and letting tears stain her face.
To her evident pain, Gaara felt his chest sink. A sharp pain shot through it again, and steadily, he raised a hand to rub it. Not caring this time whether to rosette saw this or not. No matter what hurt she may have now caused him, he still ached to see her tears spill out. He continued to watch her in silence. Trying to sink in the fact that she held feelings for another, but was sincere about her emotions with him. Was it really possible to love two people?
"You spoke of someone when you first brought me lunch." Gaara apathetically spoke.
To his words, Sakura sniffled, trying to hold back her tears. Her glistening eyes turned back to his cold orbs before she nodded. She remembered that subject, she was even going to show him a picture of Sasuke.
"The same man?" He asked.
Sakura nodded, rubbing her arm across her wet nose. The tears had stopped, but inside she was still miserable. Gaara licked his lips, anxiety building up in him. He wasn't sure if he dare ask, but knew he could not live with himself if he buried his mind in the empty darkness. He had been struggling so much already trying to grow accustom to his empty mind.
"Tell me." He demanded, his voice breathy.
Sakura's body stiffened suddenly. She knew this question was to eventually come the second she uttered that there was another. Still, her heart sank knowing she was about to reveal Sasuke to Gaara. This would no doubt be another heavy, low blow to the Sand Lord.
"Sasuke-kun." Her voice traveled with the small breeze.
Outwardly, while Sakura studied his reaction, the young man seemed passive. However, within his look was a deep pool of anger Sakura was afraid to touch. He rattled to say the least. As his fists clenched open and close, his nose flaring and eyes shaking, he did his best to remain composed.
Sakura did not blame him for this dark emotion. The revelation no doubt irked the redhead. She tried to imagine how she would feel if Gaara admitted liking someone she wasn't fond of.
'The Uchiha.' Was all that repeated in Gaara's mind.
He knew the Konoha deserter to be someone precious to Naruto, and no doubt to Sakura as well seeing as that was the team they grew up in. Yet, he was unaware of the strong emotion she held for him.
'Sasuke...kun?' He thought bitterly, wanting to sneer at the high tone she set for him.
Did she not realize the deserter could bring her no happiness from this point on? He wanted to scold her for her wishful thinking, to remind her that if Sasuke truly cared, he would have came back to her. If, by some miracle, he was brought back, he would be locked away. Forever. That with the passing of each day, he could die or already be dead at this point.
He wanted to pour doubt into her mind about Sasuke. To have her running back into his arms instead of Sasuke's. It bothered him that Sasuke did not appreciate her smile like he did. If ever given the chance, Gaara would berate the Uchiha for tossing away the warm light that was given to him, and instead reaching out for the cold darkness.
Gaara was ready to admit that he was jealous of Sasuke. He had always envied the Uchiha for having such a caring friend as Naruto while he had no one. Now that Sakura was added onto the plate, he felt the hate boiling inside of him.
Sasuke didn't deserve her. He never would. Why did she struggle between the two of them? If she chose to smile at Sasuke instead of him, didn't she know her life would be only that of pain? He, Gaara, could give her the happiness she wanted and needed. Only he could give her what she deserved. He would give her the world if she only asked. Yet, with all that in mind, and taking in her defeated look, only one sentence whispered from his breath.
"He is a mistake."
Sakura's eyes widened to Gaara's words. His speech was soft, but she could tell the tone of his voice was laced with detest. Hurriedly, Sakura shook her head.
"I won't sit here and try to convince you all of the good I know in Sasuke-kun. I know he is painted a different man in your eyes than mine..."
Sakura's voice and eyes trailed below her. It was awkward to talk to a man she thought highly of, about another man who ranked high in her heart.
"I just thought, you should know..."Sakura mumbled.
Building up the courage in her, she forced her eyes back on Gaara, who in turn had his stare back on her.
"The same feelings I spoke of. Everything I said yesterday, I still hold dear in my heart. I was sincere about trying to make this work still between us even when I return home. But..."
Sakura tore her eyes away again.
"When Sasuke-kun returns, I'm not sure if it will be you still I want to devote myself to."
Her words were painful to him. So, so painful. Like he thought before, he wondered why he had opened his heart to her. She had just gone and put a cold blade through it, just like his uncle all those years ago. He half-wondered, if Shukaku were inside, if the monster would rattle him to let him out to teach the rosette a lesson. That she was his. He could make her choose him. He could show her that he was her only choice.
'No!' Gaara thought immediately after that dark imagination.
She wasn't a possession to claim, he told himself. She was a person who smiled freely at him. She had no obligation to him, yet had been the one to offer her hand in friendship. They had shared so much together, she had brought out a new side in him. He would never do anything to harm her. To make her fear him, to lose her smile.
She was Sakura.
Beautiful, intelligent, strong and proud. His list could go on forever. Despite this revelation, she still offered him a chance to make this work. She wanted a relationship with him, he had a chance to show her that he was worth so much more than Sasuke.
And yet…
There was the downside that she may leave him at any point. Was he truly foolish enough to allow himself to open up more to her just to have her walk away in the arms of another? Gaara struggled with this thought. Life had rarely been in his favor, despite his role now, he still struggled with the bonds Naruto mocked at him for tuning out in the past. He still couldn't keep the ones dear to him close. Somehow, they always abandoned him. It was painful to think of Sakura as just another one of those people.
And yet…
There was a small chance still. That she may choose him in the end. He wanted to hold onto her as long as he could.
And yet...
In time, Gaara let out a heavy sigh. He rubbed his head when an uncommon headache came to him. He would need time, he decided. There was no way he could give her an answer tonight, or if ever. He was at a rare lost with what decision to make. Emotions, friends, love. This was still all too foreign territory to him.
"We should return home now." He had said, his eyes never returning to Sakura's.
Before Sakura could speak, Gaara had stood and waved his hand over the blanket and food. Like before, his grains picked up at the items and they trailed behind him. He waited for Sakura to be at his side before returning his look to the empty land in front of them. He thought it ironic, how empty of a feeling he now had inside him matched the empty world around him.
Sakura swallowed hard at the silent walk home. She wasn't given an answer she wanted, and was unsure where the two of them stood now, or what feelings Gaara harvested towards her. However, she was aware the redhead probably needed his time. All she could do was trudge along with him in awkward silence as the two of them made their way home following the giant moon in front of them.
"Thank you for tonight." Sakura was the first to speak when they returned home.
"Aa."
Sakura again swallowed hard at the uneasy feeling inside of her. She felt like spilling tears for what she had ruined. She hated the thought of Gaara becoming completely cold towards her. She stood there, eyes averted from him. Hoping, waiting, anything to have the young lord speak up.
"Goodnight."
That was all he allowed her, and her heart sank when his figure turned from her. She dared not breathe when that happened, for she fought so hard to hold back tears. When she was sure he was out of hearing range, Sakura spun fast on her heels, wiping away the droplets from her eyes.
'Stupid.' She mocked herself.
'Why couldn't this be an easy answer for me? Why do I feel like it is Sasuke-kun holding me back?'
As soon as Sakura was in her room, she turned to lock her door. Silent tears still staining her face.
'Damn it.' Was all that she could think about while she changed out of her clothes and into her pajamas.
'Damn it.'
She just wanted this so called promising night to be over, and wasted no time wrapping herself in her bed. In time, her tears stopped, but her heart continued to ache.
'I've lost him.' Sakura thought.
'I've lost Sasuke-kun, and now Gaara.'
The rosette had never felt so foolish in her life. Her heart was heavy with guilt for hurting a man who deserved nothing but happiness. Her stomach felt sick thinking how cold Gaara was bound to treat her now, and her mind was full thinking how fate was cruel enough to forbid her any sort of love.
'Damn it.' She thought once again, trying to bury herself into sleep.
She knew the only escape from this pain, though short-term, would be to enter a world of dreams. A world where Sasuke-kun still remained by her side, or perhaps one where Gaara refused to let her go. But as one hour turned into two, than three, than four, Sakura felt her heart sink. Her stomach churned and her headache expanded all the more.
Fate was definitely unkind, she wouldn't even be allowed to rest. Sighing in defeat, she turned to the nightstand next to her and dug through the drawer. Where she had kept Gaara's sleeping pills, Sakura decided maybe some medication would help her to relax and drift off into a dream. She dared not play with this medication until Temari returned to her with the results, and seeing as though the bottle was given the all clear. She felt herself in no harms way when she pulled out a pill for herself.
She popped the medication and swallowed it easily down her throat, hoping its affects would take a hold of her soon. She tilted the bottle, reading its contents once more so as to distract herself from her depressing thinking.
It wasn't until the quantity number of the pills was read,= did Sakura tilt her head in slight wonder. "Qty:10", it read, and Sakura couldn't help herself but open the bottle back open and count the tiny pills.
'I gave two to Temari to get looked at, and I just had one now.' Sakura thought, wondering how many Gaara had taken to induce such dangerous episodes.
But when Sakura counted seven pills left, she felt her heart pounding and mind racing with questions. Why only seven left? Why were the only pills that were missing the ones she had taken out herself? What did this all mean, that Gaara had actually taken none of these pills Temari had offered him?
Her train of thought vanished when she heard a loud bump in the house above her. From that moment, she sprang from her bed and raced for Gaara's room. Awkward or not, no matter how distant Gaara was of her suddenly, she refused to simply stay put and ignore these warning signs.
If these pills had not been the cause of Gaara's attacks, then what had it been? She had to ask, had to know as soon as she could if Gaara had actually taken any of these pills. She continued to race up the stairs in the dark, her heart beating faster with every step she took. She cared for the redhead in a way no one else could ever take away. He was dear to her, and always would be. Despite how far he may push her away now, she was here to help in any way he needed.
Always.