Chapter Twenty-seven
Death was something most everyone she knew feared. In her world, a ninja one, the end was always just a little more closer to her than others. It was as if Death himself hung over her shoulders, hungrily watching for her slip up so it could claim her as his and steal her away. Odd to perceive it as such, but Sakura couldn't deny thinking of that way more than once.
'It's dark.' She thought in awe.
'Quiet.'
Unlike most everyone though, and despite death hanging onto her and watching, Sakura did not fear dying. Instead, she feared the unknown of it. The how and when. What would be her ultimate downfall? A sudden, sharp blade through the chest, or would she go as an old woman quietly in her sleep? Would she be young, would she be old? Would her children, and grandchildren, be at her side at the time, or would she be all alone? Would there be a reason for it, would somebody have wished for her dead, or would she die naturally? Would it be peaceful, or painful?
It was those thoughts and questions that made goosebumps rise on her arms. No, she did not fear death, especially when the unknown was much more frightening for her. Those wonders though seemed irrelevant now, as Death was seemingly pulling her towards his domain now.
'He killed me.' Sakura thought again in wonderment.
'Gaara was the one to kill me.'
Deep down in her she knew that idea should be shocking and rocking her very core, and yet, she accepted it with nothing more than a mental shrug. She felt pain, but it was not as horrific as she imagined it to be. If anything, her main displeasure was how cold she suddenly was and how hard and grainy it felt under her. It made her back itch.
'It's not so bad.' She mused.
'I'm lucky. My death was not painful.'
It was with those thoughts that a new consciousness washed over the rosette. Where there was darkness only before, she suddenly could sense a brightness around her.
'Wait, this isn't right. If I'm dead, I shouldn't be having these thoughts.'
Tearing her mind away from her wonders, Sakura began to focus on the aches of her body. She wasn't dead, she finally realized. At least not yet. Focusing the strength to her eyes, she fluttered them open and tried to get her focus straightened. When her gaze met with the night sky, bright moon, and many stars, she realized why her back itched.
'I'm still in Suna. I'm still laying in the street.'
It was reassurance in her mind, to remind herself where she was, what was happening, and most importantly, for her to grasp that death had not snatched her away yet.
'Gaara!' She thought, eyes widening.
It was his name she thought, but another definition that came into mind thinking of him, danger.
Her ninja senses kicked in then. Everything she was taught and trained for in surviving pumped into her with her next heartbeat. She drew in a heavy breath, almost as if she had stopped breathing entirely, before her back shot straight up. To her rush, her mind grew fuzzy and dizzy again, and she closed her eyes trying to regain her focus.
'Danger!' Her mind kept screaming at her.
Though, there was little she could with a blurred mind. She managed her hands around her body, trying to find a source where his claw of sand may of tore into her. In the back of her mind, she could still hear and sense Gaara nearby. As her dizziness subsided, she could hear his growls, his snarls, his loud cries. He sounded like a cornered animal.
'Animal.' She thought with a frown.
That was a definition she hated using to define him. He was not at all like the wild beasts of the world. He was human, and even if his upbringing had been backwards, he had taught himself to care for others. To protect those close to him. He was suppose to be a proud leader and someone others looked up to, tonight though he had tried to maim Sakura and his own siblings.
'That wasn't who he was, who he should be.' Sakura kept thinking
'Why is he like this all of a sudden? What has made him so upset?'
Sakura began to drown herself in her mind, trying to pinpoint when Gaara turned this night. What was the same link this night held that the other nights had? Temari said it had been so long since he had lashed out, yet the attacks picked up again as soon as he was returned to Suna and saved from Akatsuki. Had something traumatic happened to him starting from that point?
The young woman's face scrutinized more with these questions, and her mind began to grow heavy again. It wasn't until she heard a loud cry ring out near her did she clean her thoughts and open her eyes.
'Gaara!' She thought again while her mind went back to fight mode.
With her vision now clear, Sakura swung her head and eyes all around her. She tried to take in the scene around her as well as Gaara's screams ringing out. They were wild cries, and somehow there was a desperation in them. If she didn't recognize the sound, she would think it had been an angry animal calling out.
When another scream erupted behind her, she turned her body slightly and whipped her head behind her. Her eyes went round as they met with Gaara's furious gaze. He rushed towards her with tremendous speed, and his arm and fist were raised next to him. Sakura knew she wouldn't have enough time to stand herself and face him, let alone even curse in her mind that he was racing to strike her down once more. Yet, as his hollers rang out, the young woman could sense his uneasiness.
Gaara looked beyond disarranged. His eyes held frustration, but also some sort of wariness as he rushed towards her. His white teeth and chin were still stained red, and as he drew closer, his fist rising more to send her back with a powerful punch, she could see the beads of sweat now drenching his face. He looked to be out of breath, as if he had been fighting for hours on end. Perhaps he was at his limit as well, for no sand cloaked his body in defense, and his means of attacking her, a fist, was very uncharacteristic.
Sakura brought an arm up to her face, though she knew it was pointless by the look in Gaara's eyes. He had means to strike her hard, and she barely had the strength to lift her arm. She hissed when he cried out loudly the second he towered in front of her, swinging his arm down hard. Sakura immediately shut her eyes, embracing for the impact.
Yet, it never came.
As seconds passed, and the only thing Sakura felt on her face was the cold, night breeze. She blinked her eyes open, and her heart skipped a beat when realization dawned on her.
'He didn't hit me!' She thought optimistic.
'Perhaps he-'
Sakura's train of thought cleared when she brought her eyes up to meet with Gaara's. Instead of a teal gaze though, she met with floating grains shielding her face. Her eyes widened to this, and tried to quickly evaluate the situation. The small pile that floated in front of her was small, but it had caught Gaara's fist before he was able to land it on her, and from the look in his eyes and low growl, this was something he had not willed his sand to do.
'What is going on?' Sakura wondered, staring at the sand still.
She had a suspicion that this small pile of grains had been the very same that had shielded her from Temari's punch, the one that had lingered in her room until Gaara sent it away, and the very same that traveled alongside her the night Gaara had taken her to that small oasis.
Her thoughts were cut short once more when a new cry erupted from Gaara, again he pulled his fist back fast and high before Sakura could do anything to counter, and he struck down towards her. Like before though, that sand moved twice as fast as him, and took the blow instead of Sakura's face. To this, the young man clicked his tongue in annoyance.
'What does this mean?' Sakura wondered, lightly brushing the sand in front of her.
To her touch, the sand began to ripple as if reacting to her. The grains held no emotion, no conscious, it should have no will, yet it protected her as if it was on its own accord. Had it a means of understanding her she would have gladly thanked it.
In front of her, Gaara cried out once more, trying to connect his fist with Sakura, but again the sand swam to her aid and blocked his hit. While Gaara grew desperate, fists coming down faster now, Sakura steadily rose herself to her feet. She was still a little wobbly, body weak, and arm stinging and bleeding still, but she managed to stay upright, studying Gaara as he cried out and did his best to crumble the sand under him. The rosette couldn't stop herself from feeling the pity well up inside of her.
'What has caused this, Gaara?' She wondered, watching him with sad eyes.
After minutes of him continually striking, sweat dripping off his face and clinging his clothes to his body; his breath coming out short and heavy while blood still dripped from the sides of his mouth, Sakura knew he was at his limit. He had wore himself down, but still fought to destroy that in front of him. She worried for him greatly now, especially when the poison still lingered in his body.
"Gaara." Sakura tried to call to him.
Her voice was soft, gentle, tired. Fatigue cloaked her just as much as the young man, and she wavered still in her spot. She still felt sorry for him and knew it shone in her eyes, yet pity was something Gaara despised seeing in another's gaze, especially when they looked down at him in that perspective. Yet despite how hard it had been to draw his attention all night, and have him focus on her, he looked up and met with her eyes to her feeble call. The sand still stood between her and him, but Gaara had ceased his striking as he was caught up by her look.
Instead, he breathed hard and heavy while watching her, and Sakura in turn could see how worn out he had become. His wild sense, the dangerous aura he held before, was all completely gone now. Looking up at her instead was a tired, misunderstood, young man.
"Gaara," Sakura spoke again, "please stop."
His eyes narrowed to Sakura's request. He was worn, but not yet willing to give her the satisfaction that he was actually hearing her out. The young woman refused to back down though, since the night she promised to help him, she would never run away when he needed her, and more than now did he need someone.
"This has to stop." She emphasized, trying to make her voice strong.
She was more than surprised when she saw Gaara's hard gaze soften a bit. Was he actually listening to her? Was he finally waking up from this nightmare? She watched as his eyes wavered slightly, conflicting thoughts probably now swam in his mind, and she remained quiet while she waited for him to act.
"Why?" He whispered.
To this, Sakura's eyes widened again. From his speech, more blood began to seep out of his mouth and she grew more worrisome about the poison in his body. Her eyes went from his crimson jaw back to meet his eyes.
"Why are the nights so quiet now?"
Sakura's gaze fell to his strange question. She hadn't the slightest clue what he was asking her, and she could sense Gaara becoming angry when he recognized that she didn't have an answer for him. Again, he cried out before throwing his arm towards her. The young woman however remained rooted in her spot, and as she suspected, the small pile rose to shield his fist from her. Past the sand, she continued to stare into his eyes and he in turn did the same.
"Why?!" He cried again.
All Sakura could do was stare confused, pitying, and in wonder at Gaara. His words were confusing, his look screamed fatigue along with dishevelment, and the more he tried to have his hand come crushing down on her, the more his strength left him. With the small pile of grains in front of her still, ready to strike when Gaara was, she could sense its undying capability. To the opposite of it, Gaara, while always seeming to have an upper-hand, now merely stood there. He heaved with heavy breaths, eyes darting from the sand and back to Sakura.
"Please, Gaara." Sakura whispered after some time.
Her call made his gaze settle completely on her now, and Sakura could sense his eyes wavering on her expression. He was probably looking for the fear he had been wanting to invoke in her throughout this night. For her to submit to him for fear of losing life. He wanted to control her, but stepped back when he could sense her defiance to him. It surprised her greatly when she took in his somewhat panic-stricken look before he whispered.
"Please, don't leave me as well."
Sakura's eyes widened to this. There was a little understanding in her to his plea. Perhaps he asked her not to go in the same way she feared of losing him too. Their bond had grown so strong, and even if her words earlier from dinner threatened to sever that bond, both were reluctant to allow that to happen. Yet, as little understanding as there was from her, she was also very much confused. Her mind began to shuffle, to question, to wonder. What was he so afraid of, surely not her departure alone? Something troublesome plagued his mind, maybe some sort of doubt or loss. Had it been something to cause enough trauma to be sending the young lord into these episode fits?
Her train of thoughts was halted when she heard a low, painful groan in front of her. When her eyes refocused back on him, she could see him cowering backwards from her, head hung low while his hands gripped at his head as if it were splitting apart.
"Gaara!" She cried.
She raced to his trembling form, followed behind her was the small pile of grains. Gaara didn't even take notice of her as she raced towards him, his focus was simply settled on the horrific pain going on inside of his mind. It felt like a battle was being fought fiercely in his brain. One of good versus evil, one he knew his subconscious was taking part in. One that was trying to remind him that everything to this point, since starting from his return home with Sakura earlier, had been wrong.
When Sakura finally met with him, she did not hesitate wrapping her hands around one of his arms. Despite the danger that was surely still there, her concern for the young man outshone the fear of him. With what strength she could find, she gently tried to pull his arm from clawing at his head.
"Gaara," she tried to get him to look, "please, tell me what's wrong!"
When he continued to ignore her, simply stepping around in circles and dragging her along from her hold, she spoke a little more loudly.
"Please, it's me, Sakura! Open your eyes. Please, wake up!"
She was surprised, happy but surprised, when his hands finally left his head and his trembling ceased.
"Sakura?"
Her eyes went round and heart began to beat quicker to his soft question. Was he finally able to see? Understand who he truly was? Was this nightmare finally over?
Before she could even answer him his head slowly began to raise up, through the corners of his eyes, teal finally met with emerald, and Sakura held in her breath watching his soft gaze study hers deeply.
"Gaara?" Sakura whispered after some time his stance became frozen.
"Are you alright?"
It seemed her voice however shook something inside of him, and quick like lightening he whipped himself out of her hold before stumbling away from her. When her eyes met back up with his face, she could see an uncharacteristic panic and fear in his eyes.
"Don't." His voice shook.
"Please don't."
His steps were big as he marched backwards and away from her. Only when Sakura took a small step towards him did his voice grow loud with panic.
"Don't!" He cried.
"Don't come near me!"
To his request, Sakura halted her steps. She was confused as ever to his frantic look and speech, but she did as he beseech of her, for she feared he would snap again if she didn't. However, as she stood still in her spot, contemplating how to coax into him that everything would be alright, she felt something whiz past her face. Leaving her side, the small pile of sand raced towards Gaara and levitated to his face level. Anxiety was heavy still in his eyes as he stared at his sand.
Seconds turned to minutes of nothing happening before Gaara brought his hand again up to his head. Another sound of pain echoed out of him before he opened a wincing eye past the sand and towards Sakura. At his look, the need inside the rosette to come near and relax him grew strong. She took a small step towards him again, but instantly regretted it when she saw the fear inside of him build up again behind his eyes, and he practically threw himself backwards while shaking his head.
"Stay away from me!" He cried once more.
Sakura stood rooted in her spot, Gaara however backed up more from her and shook his head. His eyes remained round, and his voice was dripping with emotion as he spoke.
"Please...don't."
Sakura was about to ask him what troubled him, to beg him to let her help him and with promises that everything would be alright. Instead, she watched as his fear-riddled face began to fall as tiny grains towards the ground below him. His form changed to one of sand, much like his armor would have, before that sand collapsed to the ground under him. Sakura studied the earth where Gaara once stood, confused. Where had the young man gone, and without her noticing? However, as the sand picked up lightly and began to swim across the earth and down the road in a quick fashion, she wondered if this was an ability of Gaara's she had not yet learned of. Maybe he had buried himself underground and burrowed his way towards the only exit of the village, she thought. It was an odd idea, but all she could think of as she watched the ripples of the sand disappear far ahead of her.
Behind her though, the small pile that protected her lingered, as if watching alongside her as Gaara ran. However, it followed just as quick when Sakura dashed towards the same direction as Gaara.
'Gaara.' Was all that raced in her mind as she picked up her feet as quickly as she could.
She ran past the guards standing post, despite them calling out towards her.
"Do not go!"
Sakura heard them though they did not follow.
"It's dangerous out there at night!"
Sakura didn't need to hear it from them to know the dangers of the desert. However, she was ninja, trained with the skills to survive this world. Why did they call out to her thinking she was not capable? With the wound on her arm still open, her chakra too depleted for her to heal, the bruises forming all over her body from the fall of Gaara's home as well as his hits, she wondered if her skills would be enough out here. She clung to whatever material was left of her shredded shirt over her body, for the coldness this late outside the walls of Suna were soon unbearable. The only warmth she felt was the blood dripping down her arm from the cut.
Still, she ran, despite how tired and dizzy she felt. Tonight's ordeal, along with her exhausted chakra and blood loss was threatening her as she made herself more lost into the barren wasteland. Even with the odds against her, as long as her heart beat, she forced her feet to keep walking. Only one thought was in her mind.
'Gaara.'
She knew she could do this, had to do this, for him. She had promised him before to help him, and she had promised in secret to not let harm come his way ever again. She could not falter and fall here, not when Gaara needed her at his most right now. He had begged her not to leave him, like hell the desert now was going to stop her. She trudged on, unsure which direction she was heading, just knowing she had to find Gaara. However, when fatigue threatened to block her path, she began to wonder if the redhead had truly taken this direction. Maybe he just hid himself in the village still. Was she just making the situation all the more troublesome when she wouldn't be found later on?
She turned her head back in the direction she came, surprised Suna's silhouette was hidden in the darkness. Despite the bright moon, and million, twinkling stars shining down on her, Sunagakure had become lost to her. The village was as missing to her as Gaara was, and Sakura felt her mind brandish her as the fool she sometimes thought of herself as.
'Why did you run off? You should have gotten Temari or Kankuro first.'
Foolish, idiotic, acting before thinking, Sakura bitterly thought of herself. She stood rooted in her spot, still clutching what material was left of her shirt for some sort of warmth in this cold, empty land. She was tired, frustrated, upset at herself for thinking she had cured Gaara and reassuring everyone around her that he would do no more harm. She had let those close to her down, once again.
When a breeze hit the back of her neck, she shivered, but as the cold wind left, she continued to shake. It was then another warmth presented itself. Along with the blood dripping from her arm, hot tears now ran down Sakura's face, and she sniffed and bawled the more she thought of this night.
'I hurt Gaara.' She thought dolefully.
'I couldn't keep my promise to him. I couldn't help him.'
She tried to find another blame, thinking back as to why he attacked, what could have provoked him, all the while humiliating herself in her mind for this downfall. As her cries grew stronger, her body weaker, Sakura fell to her knees, hugging herself as she thought of all she had lost in Gaara.
'I've lost him too. Just like Sasuke-kun.'
She hung her head low, letting the drippings from her eyes and nose paint the sand below her. The more she cried, the more she thought of Gaara and her faults, of how disappointed she had made everyone, the tighter her hug became. Through her clouded vision she could see something plant itself next to her head, and quickly she whipped her gaze up to meet the new presence.
"You."
She wasn't sure what to call it. Why it still followed her like she was its master, but the longer she stared at that small, floating pile of sand, the more crushed her heart became. It was just another reminder of the redhead.
"Go away." She pleaded to it before turning her eyes back towards the ground.
The sands response was just a ripple through the air. It stood next to Sakura, waiting on her. Little did it know, if it could think, that the rosette could not find the strength to get back up. A blanket of weariness wrapped around one side of her while pity took the other. She tried desperately to find the determination that had gotten her through hard ordeals many times before, but that too was now lost.
"I'm no different." Sakura whispered through her tears.
"I wanted so much to change, to better myself over these years. I tried to become stronger both emotionally and physically. I wanted to show people how much I've grown."
With her frustration building, Sakura whipped at the soft sand under her and caused a small cloud of dust to fly away with the breeze.
"Nothing about me has changed though!" She hollered at herself.
"I can't even help those important to me!"
An image of Sasuke appeared in her mind, and she grounded her teeth in pain as she watched him turn his back on her and walk away.
"It's just like back then..." Sakura spoke through her gritted teeth.
"I couldn't help Sasuke-kun."
Gaara was the one to come to her mind next. In her thoughts, he reached out to her with a welcoming hand and warm smile. What may have seemed uncharacteristic for him, to her, long ago was now all she knew him to be. Warm, inviting, always going out of his way for her. As he was to her, she had wanted to be that to him. She wanted to reach out back to him, but in her mind he disappeared as sand in the wind the second before she touched him. That dark message was clear to her.
"I couldn't help Gaara. I'm going to lose him too."
Her water works did not stop, and Sakura's face now became red. A painful headache was beginning to form for her so slowly she laid herself down onto the soft, cold sand. She hugged herself, bringing her knees to her chest in hopes of finding warmth and comfort.
"Why?" She bubbled through her tears.
"Why does this always happen to me?"
Self-pity, such as this, was something Sakura drifted away from. She knew she had no right to complain of her bad luck, especially when her closest friends had gone through so much worse hardships than her. Still, at this sudden loss, her tears continued. Gaara had been through so much, so much more pain than she was even aware about, and it was heartbreaking to know she had brought him more. She blamed herself for falling for another, for letting him fall for her, for revealing Sasuke and surely breaking his heart, and for not being able to keep her promise to him. In the end, Sakura could see how much damage she had done just by staying here.
"I should have never agreed to Temari." She whispered.
"I should have just kept things the same. I shouldn't have tried to become his friend."
As she spoke those words, another wave of pain washed over her. To the thought of the good experiences here never happening, to Gaara looking at her with a passive gaze instead of a warm one, to her just being Haruno again in his voice was just as emotionally distraught as the pain she felt she caused. What she was to Gaara in the past, was she going to return home with his feelings towards her reverting back to what it was once before? Would he truly be that cold?
'Then again, it would be my fault.'
She blamed herself, she blamed Sasuke, she blamed Gaara, she blamed the circumstances out of her control, and she blamed fate for all of this. She blamed everyone and everything she could for this situation for she could not see a happy ending in the future.
"Gaara." She whined through her tears.
"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."
Her crying continued on after that, and only did she stop and look back up when she felt another near her. Her eyes watered more when her gaze met the pile of floating grains again. It drew near to her face, but as grateful to it as Sakura knew she should be, it's presence irked her. It gave her a sense that Gaara was nearby, and as desperate as she was to find him and be sure his rampage had stopped, she simply just wanted to be left alone at this very moment.
"Leave me alone." She whimpered at it, hoping it would understand.
When the grains did not heed to her plea, frustration built up in her and she quickly slapped at it with whatever strength she had in her.
"Go!" She screamed at it, her loud cry carried out with the wind.
Her fingers had rippled through the sand and at first glance she thought she had succeeded at tearing it apart. However, like a mold, it simply reverted itself and again drew near her face. To this, Sakura shut her eyes and buried her chin as close to her chest as she could. She curled up into a tight little ball, crying, shivering and feeling sorry for herself.
"Please." She begged once more.
"Just leave me alone."
Again, her voice went unheard, and the sand simply floated at her side for however long Sakura laid there. Minutes, hours, she wasn't sure how much time was passing. With her eyes remaining shut, she would even believe if someone had told her she had laid that way for days. For however long time passed, the young woman at one point felt herself slipping in and out of sleep. The headache was still there, the urgency to get up and search for Gaara remained, but her body refused to move. Even the tears had ceased, and Sakura simply lay in her little ball while trying to find some hidden energy in her. With time though, sleep had won, and she embraced it wholeheartedly. At least there she knew there would be no pain.
She was roused lightly when the presence of the sand, who stayed by her side while she slept, at one point grew stronger. To this, she forced her eyes open to look at it. With a fuzzy mind and just as equally fuzzy eyes, she swore the sand had manifested itself into a pair of feet and legs. Tired as she was though, she assumed her mind was playing tricks on her and took no effort to see who the legs led up to, and instead she welcomed sleep's return.
Even when a set of arms wrapped around her, lifting her cold body off the ground and to a warm chest, she did not stir back awake.