Chapter Twenty-eight
Who will you stand in front of?
Sakura fluttered her eyes open slowly. Staring up towards the day-lit sky, she pondered for a moment as to where she was. Why was she here? Why did her body feel made of lead yet head light as a feather? While her questions became many, the more she let time slip away as she stared past the green, tall, luscious trees and towards the bright sun and swimming clouds. When a cool breeze rolled by, the scent of vegetation hit her and her nose flared to the familiar scent.
"Konoha." Sakura finally breathed out.
This was her home, and despite it being called such, something deep inside of her cried that this was wrong.
'Why?' Sakura wondered.
'I belong here. Why should I feel that I don't?'
Her questions went unanswered, but the calmness the trees brought her made her not think twice about it. She was here now, somewhere safe, the place her family and friends resided in. She closed her eyes, relaxing, and feeling all the more reassured.
She was home.
"Who will you stand in front of?"
Sakura's eyes shot open to the voices, and once again something inside of her was trying to explain how this scenario was off. How extremely wrong it was to inexplicably be here. The voices had been of more than one person, speaking in unison. As she lifted her sore body up her eyes went round to the two boy's standing to each side of her. It was then she realized how high up into the giant tree all three of them were. How did she get here?
"Who will you stand in front of?"
The boy to her right asked of her, and slowly she turned her eyes to his. She trembled lightly at his familiar look, yet knew his appearance was off by years. He was younger than she knew him to be, and his body was littered with sand. As scary as she remembered he was at the moment, for this scenario screamed déjà vu in her mind, she felt more confused than frightened at the moment. With half his face matching that of Shukaku's, his claw of sand almost as large as his body, and one tail whipping back and forth from his gourd, his teeth barred at Sakura and eyes narrowed with their focus on her. He was ready to pounce on her, to attack, and yet Sakura could not move while instead taking in his appearance. He growled at her before speaking.
"Who will you stand in front of? Me, or him?"
Sakura was shocked at this odd question and pondered at him for seconds before he nudged his chin behind her. She followed where he motioned and found herself breathless when she saw who stood to the other side of her.
"Sasuke...kun?"
Like Gaara, his appearance was of a younger age, but he was just as she remembered him. His eyes did not meet with Sakura's, instead he looked passed her and scowled towards Gaara. Despite the years, she recognized that look with ease. His cold gaze screamed that he was ready to fight, and saw that his opponent was a strong one. There was excitement within his dark orbs because of this.
"Sakura." He called out to her, though his eyes never fell from Gaara.
To his call, from a voice she had not soon forgotten, she felt her breath leave her once more. She could feel the heat coming to her eyes, tears threatened to fall.
"Who will you stand in front of?"
Again, she was asked the same question, but from Sasuke this time. Confused and with a lost for words, Sakura could only stare at Sasuke, hoping he would elaborate. Instead he remained quiet as his eyes were still set on Gaara. It wasn't until she saw him take a step forward, hearing Gaara behind her do the same, did she scramble up to her feet. She knew what the intensive look each one held meant, and worried now for the two boys' sake.
"Stop." She finally managed out, spreading her arms towards the two.
"Do not fight. There is no reason."
She turned to look at Gaara. Though his face was contorted, a look of a monster still etched in him, his eyes met hers.
"Do not fight Sasuke-kun." She begged.
"He has finally returned."
Turning her head, her eyes found Sasuke's. The boy this time met her gaze with a cold stare.
"Do not fight Gaara." She spoke again.
"He is our friend now."
Despite her reasoning, she felt her heart pace when they again took a step closer to one another. They asked her the question again, voices in sync.
"Who will you stand in front of?"
Sakura still had no idea of their meaning, but she felt all the more anxious the way their eyes challenged the other. She kept her arms stretched, using her body as some type of blockade. Yet, as she heard Gaara snarl, and take a leaping stance, she immediately turned to face him. With arms outstretched, she turned her back to Sasuke and shielded him from Gaara's attack.
"Please, don't!" She cried when her eyes met with Gaara's again.
Surprisingly, Gaara obeyed. The redhead straightened himself back up and his scowl left only to be replaced with a cold frown.
"You would stand in front of him?" Gaara asked again, eyes sweeping over Sasuke before back to her.
"Instead of me?"
Sakura understood now, what the question these two were asking. Who would you protect against the other? Who means all the more to you? Whose life is more valuable between the two?
Who do you love more?
Sakura swallowed hard at this question. As evident as the question became, the answer did not come so quick. She was unclear as to what to say. She had been struggling in her heart between the two men, and knew the unfairness behind it. In the past, at an age where she matched the same as the boy's here now, without a doubt that answer would be Sasuke. It was always Sasuke, and before Gaara, it was meant to always be Sasuke.
She had stood in front of Sasuke in the past against Gaara.
Her thoughts dispersed when she heard the twitter of a thousand birds behind her. A bright light illuminated around them, and without even turning Sakura knew what attack Sasuke was now emitting from his hand. As she heard the sound draw nearer, she hurriedly swung herself to face Sasuke this time. With arms still outspread, she began to backup towards Gaara. She shielded the redheaded boy this time, her eyes pleading with the Uchiha.
"Please, do not fight Gaara!"
Like before, Sasuke's frown was set on Sakura before he asked,
"You would protect him? From me?"
In the past, her answer to Sasuke would have been a definitive no. Now, her voice quivered ever thinking she would just leave Gaara's side when he needed her most. His life had been so cruel to him, so many had shown him the opposite of what love was that he constantly questioned whether the emotion was something he'd ever experience. That just simply was not right, nobody in this life deserved living with wonder if love would ever come to them. He had shown her a new kindness, new feelings. The thought of letting Sasuke draw past her to harm him was unfathomable.
Gaara in the past had been cruel by many means. Sasuke earned that title by leaving her with no promise of returning. Yet, the question they spoke seemed to define that malevolence they each shared long ago. It was unfair to ask this of her, she decided. How did they expect an answer from her when they faced each other with a means of hurting?
With one arm reaching towards Gaara, the other towards Sasuke now, Sakura retraced her steps back between them. She prayed her body would keep the two separate.
"Do not fight." She begged once more.
Sakura grew all the more anxious when she saw the boy's take a step closer towards her.
"Who will you stand in front of?"
Sasuke's Chidori seemed to burn all the more brighter while Gaara's sand began to envelop him more.
"Do not ask me now!" Sakura cried, desperate.
"Just stop. Please!"
Sakura's head turned towards Gaara when she heard the sand shift around him. She feared the Ichibi would come into play now, but as sand wrapped around his entire body, it all fell and pooled around his feet. The boy from before was no longer standing before her. Instead Gaara, who she now knew him to be, older, mature, as Kazekage, was standing calmly. The danger he radiated from his look was now completely gone. His usual passive eyes were glued to her, and only did she turn her head when she saw Sasuke's motion next to her.
The cursed mark Sakura remembered Sasuke to have began to spread more and more on his fair skin, tainting it to a sickly black. There was no stopping the mark while it covered his entire body, but like Gaara, as it retracted to once again show off his fair skin, now stood an older looking Sasuke. His change of appearance was very little, yet his eyes now glowed a dangerous red. Sakura shivered to his dark, cold look, and where Gaara emitted a sense of calmness, Sasuke's eyes gave off a sense of danger.
"Don't." Her eyes pleaded in Sasuke's direction.
"There is no reason to fight."
"Who will you stand in front of?"
Sakura pounded against her head when they asked her this question again in unison. She couldn't give them an answer, and struggled to even think while she feared the two would attack one another. The situation was all the maddening for her.
"Stop!" She cried out when they took another step towards her.
"Who will you stand in front of?"
Sakura gripped at her head more aggressively, a pounding headache beginning to form.
"I can't do this!" She cried, now swinging herself away from them.
"You can't make me choose!"
Despite herself separating from them, they each turned to face her. Sakura covered her ears when she saw their mouths move together. She refused to hear anymore of it.
"Just leave me alone!" She cried.
"I can't stand it!"
Taking another step back on the tree, Sakura looked down when the hard bark became soft under her steps. Instead of wood, she was suddenly met with sand, and she quickly whipped her eyes back to Gaara, about to plead with him to stop with his technique. Instead of eyes, she met with his hand outstretched, Sasuke too reached for her while she backed farther and farther away from them. Covering her ears still, their mouths still moved in unison, and she knew what question they were still asking her.
"I can't take it anymore!" She screamed towards them.
"Both of you, just leave me alone!"
Sakura cried out lightly when the sand under her gave way, and where Gaara and Sasuke stood, now trees were flying past her vision. She was falling from her high perch, and she scrambled to reach and grab for a branch. Despite her fast falling, there was relief suddenly in her. She was separating herself from the madness above. This fall towards the ground was surprisingly more inviting than the idea of staying up there any longer with those two.
'Maybe that's a sign.' Sakura thought to herself before her back hit the cold, hard ground.
Sakura gasped and flew her back up. Her eyes scrambled around the new world around her while she wondered how she could survive such a fall. When sand met her vision instead of luscious trees, a moonlit night instead of a bright blue sky, she understood immediately.
'It was just a dream.' She thought.
Glancing around her, she knew she was still out in the barren wasteland. Her heart dropped thinking which direction she needed to take to get back to Suna, for which ever way she faced seemed like both the wrong and right path.
"Damn it." She cursed under her breath.
With a source of warmth hanging on her like a blanket, she reached for the fabric, lacing a jacket closer towards her cold body.
'Wait a minute.'
She didn't have a jacket when she ran out into the desert, in fact, her shirt had been ripped apart. She pulled the material closer towards her front, eyeing it.
'This is Gaara's!' She thought, remembering it from their dinner earlier.
She kept the jacket around her, using it as a means for cover before quickly standing herself tall. Her balance was unsteady, but as soon as her legs found strength, she again peered over the land. As bleak as it was around her, in the distance, in front of her, she could see a tall, tilting palm tree. Like she had met with it earlier, lights still hung from it, making the night a little brighter along with the moon, and near the oasis was none other than the redhead she had chased after, who she had been searching for.
"Gaara!" She called out, her feet now racing towards him.
He did not turn to her cry, gave her no sign that he had heard her, and Sakura found herself tripping on the sand the closer she drew near him.
'He might still be dangerous.'
To that thought, her pace slowed, yet she did not stop. Something about him did not scream danger like earlier. During his episodes, never did he sit calmly like he was now, staring out at the water in front of him. Hugging his jacket closer to her naked frame, she still approached with caution. For he may be a wolf still hiding in sheep's clothing
"Gaara." She said again when she was just a few feet away.
To her call, his back heaved up and down, and Sakura knew he had heard her then. Still, he remained with his head facing the water, never acknowledging her. It made her all the more cautious. With her alone, weak as she was still feeling, she would fight with all her might had she need to. Even she was aware though that all her might may not be enough against Gaara.
So, for that reason, she couldn't stop herself from asking. She swore before to never mention to him the world of worry he had brought Temari, Kankuro, and in time, herself. She wanted to shield him from a life of pain since he had brought happiness for others, so she held back her tongue. For the sake of him, she kept many things a secret. Just like Sasuke though, hidden secrets had suddenly become a downfall by keeping invisible. So, she finally asked what should have been inquired since the very beginning.
"Are you still..."
Betrayed by her voice, she let silence pass while struggling to find the appropriate term. She wanted to be as gentle as possible with this conversation, but found herself already slipping. What had he become exactly? Influenced? A monster? A demon? Had he become mad with rage? Mad with grief, with pain? Or did his mind just simply unhinge? A maniac? Did he even know what was happening to him? Did he think this all a nightmare? Was he actually more sane during these episodes than he let on? Maybe he would reveal to her that deep down this had been something he strive for instead than as a peaceful Kazekage.
'No.' Sakura shook her head to that dark thought.
'Not him.'
"Are you still a dangerous thing?"
As her question slipped out, Sakura cursed in her mind.
'He is not a thing.' She reprimanded herself.
'He is human. Like me. I shouldn't treat him as if he is not.'
Again, a sigh escaped Gaara, as if her words hit him in a new light, and Sakura simply stood in wonder.
"I would not blame you for turning around and returning back to the village right now."
His voice was so soft, so calm. In her mind, as clear as his words were, she heard something else.
I would not blame you for turning your back on me.
'Never.' She immediately thought before rushing over to his side.
As she stared at his profile, his eyes fixated in front of him instead of on her, her questions became many and frantic.
You had known? How long have you known? Why did you become like this? What does this all mean? What can we do to help you?
She asked questions before he could even breathe an answer, and in time she realized this. So, she let silence fall on her, and she waited anxiously for him to speak. When seconds became long minutes though, and Gaara didn't even budge in his spot, let alone acknowledge her again. She took a moment to study him.
Slowly, she sank to her knees and took a seat next to him. Her eyes were glued on him, and she recognized his sad eyes and frown, as apathetic as a character he tried to remain in front of everyone. To this, Sakura scolded herself for demanding answers so quickly. Guilt probably ate at his soul at the moment. The thought of attacking and lashing out to those so close to him, who would never be his enemy, all while in the very walls of the village he sought to protect, was probably a heavy blow to him.
The doubts of being able to do what others once thought impossible of him before, were probably now resurfacing. In Sakura's heart, she silently pleaded to Gaara to not carry such a heavy burden. He had killed no one, and only three of them knew of this secret. Three of them who would never speak of this incident to anyone and whose wounds would heal in time. Her biggest fear now was Gaara going to the council himself. To tell them the evil he had done on a few nights since his rescue. He was so noble, that for once she wished he would just think selfishly of himself, for she couldn't bear hearing that his title of Kazekage being stripped of him.
Despite everything, despite whatever feelings he harbored towards her now, she showed him the support he so desperately needed. She rested her head against his shoulder, feeling him tense at the tenderness he clearly didn't expect at the moment.
"I'm sorry." She whispered.
She kept her head there even when he still spoke nothing. The tension in the air was thick, and Sakura struggled at finding the supportive words Gaara clearly needed. She was never good with one-sided conversations, and knew it would take so much to get the redhead to speak. In her mind, she wanted to scream at all the damage that had been done.
'Why Gaara?' She thought sourly.
'Why is all this bad happening to him?'
It was almost like his rescue from Akatsuki had been a spiraling downward curse. She had wanted to apologize so much more, to reassure him that everything was going to be alright from this point on, and that he was still someone so very special to her. However, his silence troubled her and stopped her from saying these things. He had shown her so much kindness throughout her stay that she took a moment to reminiscence on the events that had happened between them. A light smile came to her when she remembered their dance, and immediately she remembered the deal they had struck with one another.
She had been asked to reveal what gift she had given the councilman by Gaara in exchange for a dance. Her smile grew all the more thinking back at that time. They had been so awkward with each other then, and she would have never guessed what that rest of the night held in store for them.
"An antique pen."
Gaara did not move when she spoke, but his aura was littered with curiosity to her words. She found it amusing how she could suddenly understand his quietness. Before their relationship she merely thought of it as him being cold.
Things had changed so drastically.
"You asked me what I got your new councilman as a gift, remember?"
Pulling her head back, she took a moment to study his profile again. Still, he simply blinked in his spot.
"It was an antique pen. Nothing too special." Sakura said while staring at the oasis in front of them.
"But, it was all I could find at the market at such a short amount of time. I hope he liked my gift."
She was met with silence, her smile going strong still.
"Hey, remember what I said? That we should visit the market together when you have some time? I think we should do that soon."
Her words were light, up-lifting, or at least she tried for them to be. Yet, when she saw Gaara's frown intensify, a silent scoff emitting from him while he shook his head, her heart sank. She truly had done so much damage revealing Sasuke to him, she thought immediately.
"Konoha wants you back. As soon as possible."
Sakura's eyes went round.
"W-What?" She slowly asked, shocked.
"Since when?"
"I received word from your Hokage today. I read the letter after our dinner. You're needed back home. There will be no market."
As stoic as he sounded, as great as this news should be, Sakura could feel a small panic growing inside of her. For his words, there will be no market, struck her hard. There would be no more Gaara, and since the revelation of Sasuke to him, she highly doubted the promise they kept to one another, to see each other as much as possible, had been broken as well. Before she could fathom the heartbreak, he continued. His words felt like ice.
"You'll be sent off to Tenchi-kyo as soon as you return home."
Sakura blinked rapidly to this information. Of course, she knew this moment had been coming, she had been the one to relay the message to Kakashi who would in turn bring it to Tsunade's attention. Somewhere in her mind, Sasori's words had slipped her, yet she remembered the details as if it had been told to her yesterday. This was an opportunity given, a chance for…
"You'll get your wish. You'll finally be able to bring him back."
Gaara spoke, causing Sakura to awe at the thought. Would going to the bridge lead them that far? To be actually able to bring Sasuke back home that same day? She somehow doubted that. Yet, it was a step closer to finding his whereabouts.
And yet, where these words suddenly made her somewhat happy, she knew the young man next to her had probably dreaded hearing of this information coming to be. So much had happened in this night, Sakura's heart ached again for Gaara.
"I..." She tried to speak, to reassure him, and yet, she was at a lost.
Inside, joy of finding Sasuke so soon battled against the fear of losing Gaara. She felt him suddenly pushing her away tonight. It made her feel very sick, and she cursed herself for falling in love with two men.
'Just tell him the truth.' Her mind reminded her.
Taking a breath in, Sakura swallowed back the tears that threatened to fall.
"I-I know your feelings towards me have changed..."
She had to swallow again. She always could handle Sasuke pushing her affections away like they were nothing, it just drove her all the more to prove to him all she could offer; but with Gaara, it made her tremble just thinking of him being so cold to her once more. They had shared so much together.
She could swallow them no more, and her voice began to break between her crying.
"I know I've hurt you badly, and I know you probably want nothing to do with me anymore..."
To her quivering voice, Gaara finally moved his eyes from the water and towards her. For he could not believe she spilled tears for his sake still.
"But...But...But..."
Sakura bit her lip. She knew she sounded stupid, and her bubbling tears did no help to show otherwise. So slowly, she pulled her legs to her chest and hid her face from him, but not before crying out.
"I'm so sorry!"
The guilt was unbearable. Again, she blamed herself for ruining their relationship, blamed herself for still being in love with Sasuke, and blamed herself for not stopping Gaara's attacks. She was still not the strong person she trained these years to be.
"Everything is my fault!" She cried again.
"I care about you so much that it hurts seeing what has happened tonight, and it's all because of me!"
She hugged her knees tighter, thinking how ridiculous she probably looked and sounded to the young lord.
"Please, don't hate me." Sakura pleaded, her tears calming.
"Please, don't push me away. I...I..."
Damn her feelings, she decided. Damn her conflicting mind trying to tell her what was right and wrong. It warned her not to say these words. Her thoughts hissed at her that she could not tell this young lord what she suddenly wanted to tell him and then run back home to Sasuke. In her head, she ridiculed herself, but in her heart, that feeling beat strong inside of her. In her heart, it was Gaara that made it beat as strong as it was now. So damn him if the redhead would find her words suddenly tasteless after this night. He had a right to know, and she had a right to explain to him all he meant for her.
She raised her head quickly up, and her messy face and red eyes immediately locked with his curious ones.
"I love you!" She cried out loud.
She tried to read his expression, and fast, for the second she screamed that to him, his arm whipped out towards her own. He snatched her limb and pulled her body towards his, smashing it against his chest. Rough, awkward, and a little uncomfortable, yet those were words that defined Gaara dealing with love, and it felt just as right for Sakura as he buried her into the tightest embrace she had ever felt from him. She tried to relax into his hold, still in awe at how fast and desperate he had pulled her towards him, but once she did, she felt her tears completely stop.
Words he probably barely ever heard, even Sakura was aware how precious and fragile what her words meant to him. She was just beyond happy that he could understand the sincerity in them instead of calling her out as a liar like her mind told her he would. Her feelings for Sasuke were strong, but she loved Gaara in her own way and the redhead understood this. What felt like minutes, Gaara's hold kept on strong yet he trembled lightly, as if her words shook him in a new way. As if he was finally understanding what this love meant.
"I've done something unforgivable."
He finally spoke, voice shaking, and Sakura could feel the guilty conscience returning. As reluctant as she was to, she slowly pulled away from his grip, but not before giving him a look of apology. She sat next to him in the sand, hip by hip, and stared back to the water in front of her.
"You remember it?" She asked cautiously.
It had been evident the second she spoke to him that tonight's episodic ordeal stuck strong in his mind just as much as hers. Yet, she had to ask, for it was set in her mind that his past ones he may not even know about. He nodded his head to answer her yes, and his frown and eyes deepened all the more. When his hand brushed against his forehead in an anxious act, Sakura felt all the more worried for him.
"I could have lost you."
Like the night he apologized for hurting Sakura years ago, his voice now was riddled with emotion, and words the same. She watched him as he dug his hand deeper into his head and hair.
"Naruto had asked me to watch over you, and as days passed that urge to protect you grew and grew." Gaara let out a breathy sigh, as if his next words should be left unspoken.
"...but tonight, back there, as I raced for you, all that rang through my mind when I looked at you was kill."
Sakura watched as Gaara's eyes suddenly turned angry, and he scowled at the ground below him, digging his nails deeper into his hair.
"I have learned nothing." He hissed.
"I gave up that darkness, looked towards the future instead of the past. I sought to become Kazekage, to win over the affections of my people. I formed bonds with those closest to me, and have done all I can to protect those around me."
Again, Gaara trembled and Sakura wondered if he held back his anger for her sake. For he looked ready to punch at the ground under him.
"Naruto showed me the right path. My siblings helped me learn the right and wrong. You taught me how far love can go. Yet still…still..."
A hearty breath left him, and his shaking suddenly stopped. Sakura continued to watch him as he brought his head and eyes away from his hand and back towards the oasis in front of them. His anger was still in his gaze, but there was also a look of defeat.
"I am still a monster." He whispered.
Sakura shook her head, finding flaw in all the doubts he now shared with her. Angry and cold as he looked once more, the young woman placed her hand on top of his.
"You are no monster." Sakura softly said.
"A monster would not sit here in remorse. You are human, Gaara. Just like Nartuo, just like your siblings, just like me. You are as human as any of us."
His face gave no indication that he took her words to heart.
"You are not perfect or expected to be. You slip up, just like any of us would." Sakura said before she smiled, watching her own hand stroke his.
"You have all of us though to help you back up."
She was surprised to hear Gaara sigh to this and pull his hand away from hers. Despite how right her words were, regardless of how much he had wanted to keep his hand there, guilt still ate at him.
"I am Kazekage." He whispered.
"So much more is expected of me. I should be protecting those close to me, not hurting them."
'He would go to the council about this himself. I just know it.' Sakura thought.
Her heart sank to the image of him being stripped of his title by the council. Sakura knew Gaara to be honest, but suddenly wished he didn't possess this quality trait. At least not now. However, whatever choices he made after this point would have her support. She was his friend, so much more even, that the least she could do was stand by his side and respect his wishes. Still, she couldn't stop herself from saying,
"Nobody else knows. Temari and Kankuro are the only others."
It felt oddly dark to say that to him for Sakura. Like the time she begged Sasuke to take her with him, it felt wrong but at the same time made all the sense in her mind. No one knew about Gaara's attacks, why inform anyone? Why not go on living as if life had not changed?
'Fool.' Her mind called her.
To Gaara's silence, she knew she would never hear him agree with her. To keep this all a secret would be his choice alone, and somehow she doubted the young man was able to bury something so evil back into the depths of his head. At least she had spoken her peace, she thought, and like before, she would stand by and support what decision he made from this point on.
'All your fault.' Her mind whispered.
'Why couldn't you save him? Why did you promise everyone that you would fix everything? You've broken the young man next to you. You will lose him. Just like Sasuke-kun.'
When Gaara no longer spoke, the doubts in Sakura's mind returned. It was her turn to bury her head into her hand while she tried to control her anxiety. Her mind was becoming all the maddening. Could she truly just leave Gaara behind and head back to Konoha? What if this problem persisted? What if, on the night she departed, he would once again lash out inside the village?
It was the question Sakura should have asked the first night Temari had asked for her help. Sitting here now, next to Gaara, with both of them sulking with their depressing thoughts and guilt-plagued feelings, the young woman knew it should have never gotten to this point. If only she had found her strength in the beginning of all this. If only she could have harbored the love she felt for him now instead of the hate she had against him in the start. Maybe then, the outcome of this would have been different.
"Do you know why?"
It almost felt forbidden to ask something so dark of this great lord. She watched him tense slightly, as if he thought the same as her. She wouldn't be surprised if he remained quiet, or if he brought his eyes to silently state,
"I will not tell you."
The days where he would share much, or answer whatever she asked, seemed like something stuck in the past now. Since her declaration of Sasuke to Gaara, Sakura assumed much between them to be locked away inside a vault where the key had been thrown away. To never be re-opened, just a memory that would plague her mind at night. However, Gaara's voice proved her thinking wrong and he shook his head.
"I-I do not know." His voice shook.
Losing control, not having the answers, no assurance to promise it would never happen again, these were the things that scared Gaara. As much as he tried not to outwardly show it, he was rattled to the core wondering what the future had in store for him. The way the rosette looked at him too made him feel as frightened as a child. Would she be disgusted by him now knowing he had lost control? Did he lose her respect when she once again witnessed the horrors he could bring? She claimed to love him, but he still felt unsure of the emotion she had for him. Especially when she stared up at him with pitying eyes.
He hated that look.
"Do you remember how many times it happened?" Sakura continued, curious.
He swallowed hard, her mind trembling as he re-called what he thought to be hallucinations.
"This...This was not the first night." He sighed.
Sakura's eyes widened. So he did know of the other attacks. He knew of the destruction he was bringing, knew of the time he chased her into the streets and trapped her in a dome of his sand. He was aware that he drank her blood, tried on more than several occasions to kill her and his siblings. Somehow, this admittance made Sakura slightly angry.
"Why didn't you say you knew? Why didn't you ask for help?" Sakura asked, biting her lip.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Gaara's eyes began to shake to Sakura's questions. They wavered frantically and he once again buried his hands in his hair, pulling on the strands as if this whole ordeal was maddening. Which it was.
"I didn't want to believe it." He admitted.
"I didn't want to admit that I had lost control. Those nights…It felt almost like a dream, but I couldn't remember myself ever falling asleep. Just small flashes of everything I did remain in my head. Nothing in great detail."
His hair became more disheveled and he tensed, making Sakura's anger subside. It was hard to be upset with him when he was going through so much. So many things were happening to him that he didn't deserve. The peace she wished for him seemed to be an unbelievable goal now. It made her curse in her mind. She may have not been the start of this ordeal, but she knew her role was big when she was asked to stop it, and she had let him down.
"Nothing around me had changed. You. My siblings. You all treated me like nothing was happening. It made me believe more that they were simply dreams."
Sakura drew in a sharp breath. Their secrecy, the one the rosette urged from everyone, had been another downfall. At the second, she wasn't sure whether to laugh at her stupidity or cry.
'You have not changed.' She berated in her mind.
'Worthless as ever.'
"I'm sorry." Sakura said, hoping her warm tears wouldn't fall again.
"It was wrong of me to keep secrets from you."
Gaara did not say anything, and it was the response Sakura had been expecting. He didn't like secrets, she had learned that. He hated being in the dark when everyone else around him knew the truth. No doubt he blamed her in some way for not saying a word of this. She had become angry at him for not speaking out, so no doubt he was frustrated she had decided to purse her lips with him as well.
"This is why you're here." He said, not as a question.
Sakura sensed his head and eyes falling to her now.
"You were asked to stay and stop this. This is why you're here now."
The young woman nodded.
"You're siblings worried for you."
Silence stretched for some time between them, perhaps Gaara was trying to take in this information and think things through for himself.
"I'm sorry." He whispered with time.
Sakura flinched to his apology. It wasn't what she had been expecting, and turned to face him. His eyes locked with hers.
"I'm sorry you were brought into this. I'm sorry for everything that has happened to you. I'm sorry for what I have done to you."
Sakura opened her mouth to protest, to tell him she was the one who needed to apologize, but stopped when he bowed his head low towards her. Her eyes widened to such a display, and from him no less.
"Thank you, Sakura." He whispered.
"For?"
"Your love."
Sakura stiffened. Emotions coursed through her from his words and formal display. She wanted to argue with him, tell him she had let him down in so many ways. Guilt was so heavy in her that tears spilled out of her.
'How can he be this good to me?' She thought.
'Why can I not be this good to him?'
She felt something bubble inside of her, and she couldn't stop from crying out.
"Why do you do this to me?!" She whined.
Gaara's eyes and head rose to meet with her. Where there should have been surprise, he looked down at her calmly.
"You've done so much for me!" She whimpered.
"I've done nothing but let you down and hurt you! Why do you still treat me so well when I don't deserve it!"
His answer was silence, and his eyes watched her glossy ones as if he studied her. Perhaps he didn't know the answer himself, for he never spoke. It tore at Sakura's heart, it hurt to know that she was right.
"I do not know what to do now." She mewled again.
"I do not know which to choose. Do I go back home? Do I go to Sasuke-kun? Or do I stay here? My job is not finished here. I do not want to lose you too."
Gaara's eyes had widened to this. He was surprised Sakura even considered him still an option. Was she truly willing to sacrifice Sasuke for him? Yet, as he stared at her red and wet face, how torn she looked, he sighed with a heavy frown. It made his chest hurt seeing her so lost. Her job wasn't with him. She belonged back home, with her friends, helping her village. Her duties shouldn't revolve around him, as much as he still didn't want to let her go. It wasn't her job to tend to him and his needs. She wasn't some bird he could keep locked up.
As Gaara thought about it, his mind clear, all he wanted of her was her happiness.
"You will return to Konoha." Gaara said, deciding for her.
"Your duty is there. Not here."
However, she was still torn.
"I can't!" She shook her head.
"I can't just leave you. I want to help you!"
Gaara grimaced, his heart sinking to her pain-ridden voice. It wasn't her place here to do that. Thinking back at the time, how distant they once were of each other, he doubted she had this drive to help him back then. No doubt his siblings had begged her.
"It is not your place." He said.
"This job is no longer yours."
"Please..." She begged, which again made Gaara's eyes widen.
"I will be so lonely without you. It will not be the same."
Gaara's heart began to race to her declaration. He understood her feelings perfectly well, because for him, it was the exact same. With Sakura gone, he feared quiet nights and lonely days. He was afraid to give up all that she offered him in this short amount of time. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he had wanted to tell her to stay. That if she didn't want to leave that she would never have to. If she wished, she could stay by his side forever. Yet, as he took in her pitiful look, how tears poured from her, his heart ached. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he knew if she stayed that she would still be torn between him and the Uchiha.
Her tears would not stop just because he gave in to her wishes. She would cry for Sasuke, he knew, and couldn't bear the idea of seeing her that way.
"You are strong." He murmured, as if that was enough to keep her going.
Her tears stopped as she turned to look at him. She was surprised to hear this after convincing herself otherwise tonight.
"I am not." She said.
"I could not help you."
"It was never your duty."
"But I was asked to!" Sakura cried, feeling her heart race.
"And I wanted to! You are my friend. You are so dear to me. It hurt me to think what you were going through. What you've been going through."
Sakura hugged her legs tighter, her eyes turning from him while he looked down at her. He said nothing, and she did not continue. The truth had to be evident to him now. She was not what he said she was.
"And that is what makes you strong."
Sakura's eyes widened to this, surprised Gaara still thought otherwise than she did.
"You keep pushing forward even when people push you back. You take up the tasks friends ask of you, even if it is of no benefit to you, simply because they are your friend."
As Gaara continued to speak, a small, gentle smile graced his face.
"You show off your kindness to everyone around you, and you put others before you. Their feelings as well. You are always there next to those dear to you, standing by their side."
Turning her face and eyes back to him, Sakura hiccuped, the outcome of her tears catching up to her.
"You are one of the most stubborn people I have ever met." He said as his smile grew more.
"Without that though, I don't think we would have gotten as close as we have. It was always you chasing after me."
It was that of a sad one, but Sakura finally found a smile.
"Even now, as conflicted as you are, it is my needs you are putting before yourself. You do not even give yourself a second thought when it comes to those who you have a strong bond with. The bonds you have with so many is what I strive to have myself."
Sakura gasped when Gaara came closer towards her. She was not prepared when he placed a gentle kiss near the side of her forehead.
"That is your strength, and so much more." He finished.
Sakura felt tears of happiness wanting to fall, but she held them back. She was beyond happy to see the way Gaara perceived her. To think this monster of the past, the great lord he was now, could hold so much appreciation and respect for her had been exactly why she trained so hard these past few years.
"I will still miss you." She admitted.
Though she was going home, it wasn't as if Sasuke would be there to greet her with open arms. He was still gone, and she was to be leaving Gaara as well. It was obvious that her heart would feel empty, lonely, though she only hoped for a short time. It was comforting to know she at least had someone, even if he was not part of her home and instead of Suna, she would find some content thinking of him and the feelings they shared.
"I will too." He said.
Sakura watched as his smile turned sad before falling completely. His gaze wavered to the ground below him, and she understood that he was now in a deep thought.
"I fear it."
His voice had been so soft, so quiet, that Sakura had strained her ears to catch that last bit of his words. He surprised her once again with how open he was with admitting his faults and fears to her. Yet, as she spoke, as his eyes turned round to her words, she wondered if he had not meant for her to hear that last part.
"You have your siblings." She tried to reassure him, for that had been the comfort he shown her.
Gaara nodded to this, though still looked perplexed.
"The nights have been hard for me since you all rescued me." He said.
"But I'm sure my siblings will help where they can."
Sakura's eyes flashed open for a moment, taking in his words.
"Hard for you in what sense?" She asked, her curiosity rising.
Gaara had turned his head and eyes away from her, staring instead towards the bright moon. He was silent, and she knew him to be contemplating what he was going to say. She knew much about him to know what his actions meant, but still so very little to understand what it was he was dwelling on.
"It's lonely." He whispered.
Again, Sakura studied his appearance as he stared up towards the moon. When minutes of silence passed though, Gaara tore his eyes away back to her.
"You don't like being alone at night?" Sakura asked, surprised to hear such a thing from him.
I don't like being alone ever, he had wanted to tell her. Yet, as strong as he was, as much of an appearance he wanted to make as a fearless leader, he knew he could not show her that much weakness in him.
"It's too quiet now." He said instead.
Sakura simply shrugged at this.
"Isn't it always?" She laughed lightly.
"Everyone is asleep then."
Gaara blinked at Sakura's light words. In his eyes, she could see confusion, misunderstanding, and she was reminded again how different he was from her. He was not as normal as she tried to paint him to be.
"It bothers you?" She asked.
"I was never alone at night."
Sakura's eyes widened to this, for she truly thought it had been otherwise. That these past nights, when it was only her, surely before then he was always alone at night, right? She knew of no one who shared his abnormal lack of sleep.
"Who?" She whispered.
Who had been with him? Who took away the loneliness he feared so much now? He claimed those closest to him before her had been his siblings and Naruto. Yet, she could not think of any of them spending their nights with Gaara. In his eyes, she saw a heavy emotion flash through them. He had become quiet to her question, and his eyes wavered as if he struggled to find the right answer, or an answer at all. He spoke so mysteriously towards her now, that she wondered if these inquiries took some sort of toll on him.
"Gaara?" Sakura asked, earning his eyes back on her.
He whispered a name towards her, but his voice was so soft that it was lost in the wind.
"Who?" She asked again.
"Ichibi."
Sakura's eyes widened to this. To her surprise, Gaara looked away and his eyes wavered once more. Her lack of response began to bother him, for he felt like admitting such another thing to her, to anyone, was taboo. His words were true, but that didn't mean he struggled in his mind what he should and shouldn't share with the young woman.
'Gaara is lonely without the Ichibi?' She wondered.
Sakura meanwhile was lost in her own thoughts. She was baffled the creature, the very one everyone claimed to torment Gaara and drive him mad, was a presence the young lord missed.
'He grew up with the Ichibi.' Sakura thought.
'He grew accustom to his presence all these years.'
It was a morbid thought for her to think, for Shukaku was always painted evil in her eyes. Evil was something Gaara was not, she did not understand the bond he had with the creature.
'The Ichibi is now gone.' She reminded herself.
'He was taken from Gaara a while back.'
Sakura's eyes widened as a giant piece to this puzzle was finally set into place for her.
'Gaara's attacks began the first night with the Ichibi gone!'
Her eyes were wide again, and they whipped fast to the young man. Where her gaze was on him, his was everywhere but on her, he was still troubled to what he had told her. For a moment she wanted to cry out to him of her discovery. She had a thousand more questions for him now, she wanted to share with him her new disclosure.
And yet…
His eyes that were not on her, the emotions that played in his pupils, made her voice freeze.
He knew.
Knew this whole time.
He knew the reason for his attacks.
"Why only at night?" She asked.
She was surprised how quick his answer came, as if their thoughts were linked.
"He was all I had at night. In the day, I had my siblings. My people. At night, I have no one."
The young woman grimaced. She had learned from everyone, but the source in front of her, of the Ichibi's morbid whispers and corrupting wishes. How was any of that darkness comforting to the redhead?
"I heard he was evil."
"He is."
"How then?" Sakura shook her head.
"How could you possibly miss that?"
Gaara's eyes were back on her, and her heart shook as she took in his gaze. For the second time tonight, her eyes met that of a scared, lonely child.
"He was all I had as a child." Gaara spoke, his eyes never tearing away from Sakura's.
"He was the only one who would speak to me."
His voice paused for a minute, perhaps waiting for Sakura to speak her opinion, though she kept quiet. Her quietness bothered him, he felt he was being judged suddenly. The idea irked him, for he wanted to be painted as a beautiful image in her mind.
"He was all I had at night. Even when bonds formed and respect was given, it was his voice alone I would hear at night."
Sakura nodded, understanding a little better now. She didn't think she would fully understand him, for it baffled her that he would wish for a voice of evil over nothing. Still, after witnessing how desperate, how scared, he was of being left alone, to be lonely again, his reasoning began to make sense.
"You were accustom to him."
They both knew she was right, yet Gaara's eyes and head sank as if he was ashamed of himself. Which he was. Yet, the rosette knew he should not be. It wasn't the darkness the Ichibi brought that Gaara missed, it was the voice he had brought, a presence. Where a lonely boy reached out to grasp his reason of existence, who stood idly by waiting for someone to acknowledge him, it was only Shukaku who trcognized him. Unwelcome as it probably was for Gaara, it was all he had. All that was given to him.
Even when he found his reason, his purpose, he was reminded how lonely it felt at night. With no voice by his side at night, Shukaku's was still welcome. With the creature now gone, Gaara was having a difficult time coping with the silence, the loneliness now returning.
'Very difficult time.' Sakura morbidly thought.
The Ichibi probably taunted him to lash out at night, was that why he instinctively had done so those few nights? Is that why he was calm when she was around at night? Had her voice drowned out that loneliness silence brought for him?
He tried to paint himself as a strong, independent, fearless leader. Strong he still was, but she could see how much he depended on Shukaku now. How much he needed someone by his side at night. Unwholesome thought as it was, she began to understand Gaara's actions now.
"You acted out on instinct." She said, speaking more to herself than to him.
"You did the deeds he embedded into your mind. Simply because you could no longer hear him."
Her voice, her reasoning, it made Gaara bring his head slowly back up and raise his eyes back on her.
"You're not use to being alone at night. You were scared, you couldn't handle Shukaku being gone."
There was silence from the redhead, though Sakura didn't need his words to know she was hitting the answer. Soon, a small chuckle escaped her.
"All this time." She laughed.
"If we had just kept someone with you at night. If only Temari hadn't fallen asleep that first night, we would have known."
Had this been why he didn't want to let her go, she now wondered. She wouldn't brush aside all the feelings he held for her as that sole reason, yet she now believed he begged her to stay this whole time for an entirely different explanation. The more she dwelled on it, the more it made sense to her.
"You are selfish." Sakura whispered, though she wore a smile.
Gaara's sigh was loud, and his eyes fell under him.
He knew.
She knew.
"I am sorry." He whispered back.
To this, Sakura shook her head.
"No." She whispered to him.
"Don't be."
Her eyes found his, and she placed a gentle hand on top of his. To reassure him.
"I mean it when I say I love you." Sakura smiled at him as his eyes wavered on her.
"I mean it when I say how dear you are to me, how happy I am that I got to experience all these new things with you."
To every word she spoke, Gaara could see her eyes shine all the brighter. It gave him the reassurance he needed right now.
"I regret nothing." Sakura said while stroking the top of his hand lightly.
"I took up this task thinking I was far away from all those who were dear to me."
She paused her words, grinning when Gaara reached for her and began pulling her frame again into his. She didn't even need to finish her words for him to understand what she was going to explain next. Still, she spoke as he wrapped his body around hers.
"In the end, someone precious to me was always right here in front of me."
His embrace was tight, but sweet. Her words meant more to him than she, or anyone, could imagine, because for him they were merely just words before her. In time, like her, he had learned, experienced, and found someone who he held dear in his heart. In his mind, he thanked Sakura for being that person.
"I love you." Sakura whispered again into his shoulder, his hug growing tighter from her words.
"You will always be someone precious to me."
Gaara nodded to this, shifting his head to have his lips meet her ear.
"And you as mine." He said with a rare smile.
The End