A/N: Wow! Words can't say how stunned I am at the response to this story! Thank you to everyone who has followed and favorited. It's very much appreciated.

This chapter doesn't resolve the cliffhanger, (sorry) but don't worry. This story is AU, but not that AU.

Again, thanks for the support! I hope this chapter lives up to it!

XXXXXX

Rick Castle was having the time of his life – at least… he was telling himself that.

She didn't love him. All those months ago, on the swings, it was all a lie.

"It's like I built up this wall inside."

Well, that part was the truth.

"I'm not gonna be able to have the kind of relationship that I want until that wall comes down. And it's not gonna happen 'til I put this thing to rest."

And it's not gonna be with him. A – because 'this thing' is never going to be put to rest, and B – because she had been stringing him along this entire time.

Well, fuck that.

He was Richard Castle. Master of the macabre. What was it his mother said over a year ago?

"You have written 22 novels before you met her and you didn't need to spend every day in a police station to finish them."

That's right. And he'll write more. He does owe one more Nikki Heat novel, but after that, who knows? He could keep writing her, or he could switch focus to Rook. Have him break up with Nikki and then follow him throughout the world for his articles, solving mysteries along the way.

Or did that sound a little too much like a cozy instead of the thrillers he was known for?

Rick shook his head. He'd figure it out, he always did.

In the meantime, he had a date.

He put his head in his hands, trying to tamp down the tears.

A date, sure. But not with her. God, he can't even say her name.

Yeah, Rick Castle is having the time of his life.

If he keeps telling himself that, maybe he'll believe it.

XXXXXX

Several hours later, when he returns after the date with… Rachel? Laci? No, Jacinda, that was it.

They're all variations on a theme – blonde, busty, bubble brained bimbos. He doesn't think he's consciously avoiding brunettes, but he hasn't met one who hasn't reminded him of her in some way.

For a moment, he mourned once again the loss of her wit and intelligence in his life. But then he steeled himself against that. She had been playing him ever since he let his feelings be known. Ultimately this is on her.

He had to believe that for his own sanity.

The door opened on Alexis' disgusted face.

"Not now, Alexis," Castle sighed.

"It never is 'now'," she replied coldly. "The question is 'when'?"

"Never, if you keep acting like that."

"Me acting like this? Excuse me?"

"Alexis, I said not now!"

They glared, each hoping the other would back down.

It wasn't Alexis, though she did soften her tone.

"Why would you give up something you love so much?"

Rick wasn't sure what – or who – she meant by that, so he played it safe.

"You wanted me to take a step back from the precinct months ago,"

The distress on Alexis' face broke Rick's heart, and made him think that she did mean 'who'.

"Not like this," she cried. "You're back to where you were just before you killed Derrick Storm. And while Gina and Paula may love this persona, I don't!"

She didn't storm off, but her dejected look as she went upstairs to her room almost made him want to tell her the whole story.

Almost. He still didn't want to think about it himself – hence the reversal to the jackass of four years ago.

But he hated disappointing his little girl.

XXXXXX

The next morning Rick walked into the kitchen to find Martha sitting at the counter nursing a cup of coffee. The way she glanced at him as he walked in told him she was waiting for him.

"Good morning, Mother."

"Richard," she gazed at him shrewdly. "Good date?"

Rick opened the refrigerator and took out the bacon.

"It was fine, Mother," he returned a little sharply, slamming the fridge door a little harder than necessary.

"No need to be defensive, Darling, it's just a question." She took a sip of her coffee.

"I'm just not in the mood to be grilled today, Mother."

"Don't you think you owe her an explanation?"

He pulled a frying pan out of the cupboard and placed it on the stove, consciously slowing so he didn't slam it down.

He thought about asking to whom he owed an explanation, but decided against it. He knew, and his mother knew it.

"Please, Mother. I don't owe her anything."

"Oh, Richard, I know you're hurting," Martha put her cup down and reached for his hand.

"But you need to confront her," she continued, looking him in the eye. "I don't understand why you haven't asked her why she's been stringing you along... If she really has."

"I don't need to know her reasons," he countered stubbornly. "As far as I'm concerned they're pretty self explanatory."

"Richard…"

"I don't want to talk to her again."

Martha sighed, picking up her coffee again.

"Don't you think she deserves to know why you've cut her off so completely?"

"Like I deserved to know her true feelings?" he shot back. "Mother, please…"

Martha wasn't letting go.

"And what about your 'murder board?' she went on. "Are you going to tell her the things you've found? What about this Smith person? You've dug into her life, Richard; she needs to know – she has the right to know – what you've found. Or are you just going to delete the whole thing?"

Castle set his jaw and said nothing.

Martha sighed and decided to drop it with one last dig.

"You're a better man than this, Richard," she said in a voice so low he almost didn't hear it.

"Which is why she should have told me how she felt to my face." The hurt he was feeling made his stubbornness worse.

He turned and put the bacon back into the refrigerator.

"I've lost my appetite," he explained and walked back into his bedroom and shut the door.

XXXXXX

As he showered and dressed, Rick thought that maybe he'd been a bit childish and petulant. But damn it! He had a right to be angry. And while he might not tell her, he realized that his mother was right about the secret he had been keeping from Kate. He knew she'd be just as angry as he was if she found out about Smith and his 'mission' to keep her safe.

But he couldn't face her. He felt humiliated and embarrassed. While 'Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay? Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate,' wasn't exactly pouring his heart out – in a nutshell it was close enough – there hadn't been time before.

Trying to shake the melancholy off, Rick went into his office intending to lose himself in his writing.

XXXXXX

He broke for lunch a few hours later, glancing over his work and sighing at how little he'd actually written.

He wasn't feeling Nikki right now, so he'd mostly been surfing the web, clicking on whatever caught his fancy – wasting those hours in the process.

'Maybe I just need a change of scenery,' he thought as he packed up the laptop and headed out the door.

Rick hardly noticed where he was walking and was surprised when he pulled up short at Remy's. He debated going in, the last time he'd been there had been after the murder of the girl that affected him so much – back when he thought she cared.

He squared his shoulders. He loved Remy's burgers. He wasn't going to let her feelings for him (or lack thereof) take that away from him. He opened the door.

"Rick Castle, there you are!" came a shout from behind the counter.

"Hey, Ruby," he called back. "How's it going?"

"Better now that you've shown up," she grinned at him. "You just missed your detective."

"M – my detective? She's not still here is she?"

"Nah. She was in about 10 minutes ago getting burgers to go. Told her she needed to bring you in, and here you are!"

Rick gave a small smile.

"You getting take out too?" Ruby asked. "What can I get you?"

"No, I'm eating in," Rick interjected. Ruby was a pistol, he needed to find a way to integrate her into his novels. She reminded him of his mother in a lot of ways.

Ruby nodded, gesturing to a waitress.

"All right. Stacy'll show you to a table. Good to see you again Rick."

"Likewise, Ruby."

XXXXXX

After lunch, Rick went to the Central Park to people watch. Some of his best minor characters had strolled into his head as he watched families, joggers, even high-strung businessmen taking a shortcut through the park. He wrote them all in the notebook he carried everywhere he went.

He wasn't there long, only about an hour, but he'd seen several people who could 'work' in his story. He ducked into a coffee shop and began transferring his notes to the laptop.

Castle glanced at his watch and was surprised at how late it was. Getting out of the loft had been good for him. He was finally able to fall into the story and get a fair amount of work done. He still didn't want to deal with the judgmental stares of his mother and daughter, but it was time to go home.

Hailing a cab, he noticed several police cars speeding past, sirens screaming and lights flashing.

'I'll have to check out what's happening when I get home,' he thought, as a taxi pulled up beside him and he climbed in.

XXXXXX

The second Rick opened the door, Alexis was on him.

"Dad! Have you seen the news? There was an explosion at the 12th precinct!"

That caught Rick's attention. He stared at his daughter for a moment, not sure if she's telling the truth or making an incredibly tasteless joke.

"Perhaps you could call Kate?" Martha called from the kitchen. "Make sure she's all right?"

Castle frowned, his eyes turning stony.

"She's made clear her feelings towards me. I don't need to call her so she can pretend to care."

He stalked off to his office, even as he recalled the police cars racing to their destination – wherever that was.

Alexis stared after him, a little in shock at his outburst.

"He's hurting, Alexis." Martha pulled the young woman close.

"I know, Gram. But it doesn't make it easier to see him acting this way." She pulled back to look at her grandmother. "Even as angry as he is at her right now, if anything happens to Beckett, it'll destroy him."

XXXXXX

Castle was more upset then he let on, but he didn't want to concede anything, (it was petty, he knew it) and he was hoping Alexis was wrong. Wrong about what happened, or if it had, it transpired at a different precinct – not that that made it any better, but at least Kate wouldn't be in danger.

He flicked on the TV and found all the channels had gone to breaking news.

"Reporting live from the NYPD's 12th precinct. There has been some kind of explosion. It's unknown at this time if it was an accident such as a gas main, or if it was a deliberate act. NYFD and the 9th and 17th NYPD precincts are at the scene, along with off-duty members of the 12th. Evacuations of surrounding buildings are in progress, and…"

The reporter was cut off by the sound of rapid fire gunshots. The camera showed people scrambling for cover – onlookers and officers alike.

Rick watched, horrified.

"Ladies and gentlemen, gunshots have just been fired, coming from inside the precinct. Again, it's unknown exactly what happened leading up to the explosion, but it seems that this was no gas leak."

Rick snapped off the television and began dialing Kate. It was late, her shift was over, she wouldn't still be there would she?

His mind conveniently overlooked the times when he knew she pulled all nighters at the precinct when a particular case was driving her crazy.

She wouldn't be there. She couldn't be.

No answer. Straight to voicemail.

Damn it! Castle clicked off without leaving a message. He dialed Esposito.

At the Hispanic detective's barked greeting, Castle jumped on him.

"Espo! What the hell is going on?

"Castle?"

Esposito sounded surprised to hear from him. Well – Castle supposed that was fair. He had cut himself off from the team after all.

"This isn't the time, Bro."

"It is, Espo. I'm on my way down there. What is going on? Is Kate inside? I couldn't get an answer."

Rick ignored the looks on Martha's and Alexis' faces as he walked across the living room to the door, continuing the conversation with Esposito.

"Dad, wait!"

"Richard, where are you going?"

He heard them as he opened the door. He paused and turned to them.

"I'm probably a damned fool, but I have to…" he couldn't go on.

He put the phone back to his ear and left the loft.

XXXXXX

A/N 2: I'd love to hear what you think!