Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.

Answer to Chapter 30 Questions: Futurama and The Birds.

PART II

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

SCREAM QUEENS

"So... no one ever locked you up in a tower?" Henry asked Belle as they journeyed to Regina's castle.

"Not that I recall."

"And you didn't sacrifice your independence for your town to be the Dark One's servant?"

Belle snorted. "Merlin's balls no! After I learned about the Dark One from Anna, I wanted to find a way to learn the rest of his secrets and ultimately control him! It's really rather pathetic that he fell in love with me. What kind of Dark One does that? I actually almost broke his curse, but I knew his self-loathing would keep it from working and then I pranked him and made him think I was dead for a few years. He forgave me, though, he always does. I don't even need this to make him keep running back!" she said, waving the dagger around.

"Wow, you might be the most evil character in this story," said Henry.

"No, pretty sure that's still the Blue Fairy," interjected Neal. "I hear the Dwarfs are her sex slaves."

"I thought fairies don't have junk?" recalled Nottingham. "Or Dwarfs for that matter."

"Well, not unless you temporarily magic it so," said Neal, "which is what makes her so depraved. Plus, you know, the whole fairy dust cartel and child slavery ring."

"And she has fake boobies!" piped up Tinkerbell.

Everyone turned toward her, surprised and Nottingham asked, "Where the hell have you been?"

"I was here the whole time, you assholes! You used that stolen evil fairy dust to make me bite-sized for that theft we had planned and then you fucking forgot about me! I almost suffocated in that stupid genie lamp!"

"Oh, er..." uttered everyone looking around, chagrined, "sorry 'bout that, Tink."

"Assholes!"

She glared at Neal. "And to think I slept with you!"

"Don't mind her," Neal said to Henry. "She's still upset that she found out her girlfriend moved on with a Dwarf after she got exiled to Neverland."

"NOVA WAS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!" Tink cried and threw a coconut at Neal's head.

Neal ducked and it hit Anastatisa who didn't even seem to notice.

"She's having problems coming to terms with her bisexuality," explained Neal more quietly. "Mostly because her last two girlfriends also dumped her for each other. Last I heard, Ruby and Mulan were having a super gay Xena-like adventure in Asia... I mean Shangri-la-istan."

Henry's brows furrowed. "So... is Xena a real...er... fairy tale character or something?"

"No, that's a television show from the nineties," replied Neal, "one of the few series that started as a spin-off and became more popular than the original. Like a gay fantasy Frasier. Or... a fantasy Frasier."

"You're remembering your real self!" crowed Henry.

"No, they have television in Victorian London World," informed Victor. "We went there on an adventure of no consequence."

"Dr. Horrible wanted to steal a brain," said Nottingham.

"For science!"

"But we got betrayed by the evil Alice and White Rabbit and tortured until Jafar broke us out," explained Neal. "With the help of the Mad Hatter and Knave of Hearts, which is why we trusted them, but they really wanted to infiltrate our group to try and steal Jafar's staff and Peep's crook and combine them into a super real-hopping weapon device thing using this dagger made from a meteorite in Victorian London World that was supposed to have turned some guy immortal. Like the Dark One. But without the deals and stuff. He was trying to take over that world... or something... I think. We met some time travelers who were trying to stop him."

Henry frowned. "Isn't that Vandal Savage? The comic book villain who was a twenty-five thousand year old immortal neanderthal?"

"Well, that's what they called him," said Nottinghman, "but he was a four thousand year old Egyptian high priest who was linked by the meteorite bits to these two hawk god people who kept being reincarnated and only they could kill him... or something."

"But that's just stupid!" cried Henry and he fumed, "Damn it, Isaac! Ruining my comic books too!"

"Oh, look!" exclaimed Rumplestiltskin, "here we are!"

The harbor was bitterly cold, but at least they beyond the ice wall.

"It really is amazing," mused Anna, "how that subterranean cavern extended from the dungeon, under the mountains, and just opened up right here at the coast at sea level!"

"Yeah, let's not think too much about that," said Emma. "Now, we just need to find a ship."

"Well, that's easy. Blackbeard!" stated Kristoff.

"The ruthless, murderous pirate?"

"I don't know where you herd that nonsense! He's more into show tunes. His ship got grounded after hitting an ice berg, but last I heard he was hoping to take the Jolly Roger by farce."

"You mean by force?"

"No, farce. Pirates around here parlay via dance and song battles. At least they did when I was a kid, before Ingrid took over. My papa used to take me down to the docks to sell ice and there was nothing like being there for a good sea chantey throwdown!"

"Yeeeeeeeaaaaaah, okay, whatever," said Emma, shaking her head. Was it possible that Alternate Timeline Isaac was actually more intelligent than his original self? Like, seriously, who would write this bullshit?

Isaac put down his quill, annoyed and stated, "This isn't really coherent with my established universe."

"I like show tunes," Commodore Killian Jones stated bluntly, "and if you want passage to that godforsaken ice wasteland, you will write me a high seas musical."

"The Commodore also likes ladies corsets," sniggered the stout man beside him.

"Shut up, Smee!" hissed Commodore Jones, hitting him with his hat - and doing so revealing his unfortunate bald spot.

"He meant I like unlacing ladies corsets. From ladies. And then having carnal relations with them. Obviously," stated the navy man, quickly adjusting his hat as he was rather self-conscious of his bald spot.

"Really? Because you were getting awful friendly with that unicorn at the jousting match petting zoo, Commodore," said Smee. "From what I understand, they're usually skittish around post-adolescent males unless they're pure of body and that one tried to follow you back to the ship!"

"Shut up, Smee!"

"MINIONS!" Snow White announced, sweeping onto the deck in a white leather Matrix-y dress and everyone stood at attention.

She turned to Isaac. "No musicals. I detest singing. And your main objective is helping me get my daughter back. Or, you know, I'll kill you!"

"I created you, you can't kill me," stated Isaac.

"No, you reshaped me from a spineless doofus into the badass queen standing before you," corrected Snow White. "And I thank you for that. And I did not kill you outright because I know that you too were a pawn of Ingrid's, falling prey to her promises of freedom from the oppression you lived in. But if you betray me, Author, don't think for a moment I won't break that quill and send us all back to those pathetic lives!"

"You couldn't break it," sneered Isaac in return, "only the next Author could do that. And no one knows who that is."

"I dunno," said Smee, "seems logical it would be that brat with the magical book obsession who was unaffected by your story rewriting."

"Hmm, yes it does!" agreed Snow White.

"Damn it!" growled Isaac. "Stupid little fucktard giving my characters sentience all over again!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY ESCAPED WITH EMMA!?" screamed Ingrid, the ice crystal chandelier shattering.

Her creepy snowman adviser sputtered out, "I-I'm sorry, Y-your Majesty. It seems somehow Emma regained her true memories and broke out the traitors Anna and Kristoff."

"They'll be heading for the coast," said Hans, "and no doubt seeking out Blackbeard. I'll head them off!"

"Ready my flagship," Ingrid ordered him, then turned to Olaf. "Go check on Gerta. If she asks about Helga, we're leaving for a mission to Misthaven and she is to remain here in my stead."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

"And go untie The Duke. It seems I will be unable to finish the evening's festivities."

"The torture kind or the rape kind?" asked Olaf.

"A bit of both. Now go before I borrow your nose for the next round!"

Olaf shuddered and quickly stumbled his freak living snowman body out of the throne room.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Regina scrammed, trying to strangle Tinkerbell.

"It was an accident! The Blue Fairy tricked me!" Tinkerbell exclaimed in defense while Bo Peep used her crook to keep the two women apart. "And he's the one who magically trapped you here!"

"Hey, it was a deal!" Rumplestiltskin reminded, "and they ended up tricking me as well! And if someone had taken her magic lessons seriously-"

"ENOUGH!" shouted Henry. "Look, everyone here got screwed, okay, and some of you are terrible people, but you're not evil like Isaac and Ingrid- well, Ingrid might just have a mental disorder, but Isaac is definitely a psychopath. We have to find my mom so she can use her Savior powers to break us out of this story!"

"Who is this weird child?" scoffed Regina.

"I'm your son," stated Henry.

"Wait," said Neal, "no way I slept with her."

"What's that supposed to mean!?" huffed Regina.

"You didn't sleep with her," said Henry, rolling his eyes. "Though your dad did sleep with her mother, so I'm like fifty-fifty it's gonna come out eventually you're half siblings.

"Anyway," he told Regina, "you fraudulently adopted me in a world where you were a villain imprisoning everyone else and my mom was a clueless orphan who went to jail because of Pinocchio."

"Oh, well, of course," nodded Rumplestiltskin. "Everyone knows that puppet children are irredeemably evil."

"Right, and we need to get back to torturing him in the real world," said Henry, "but my point, Mom, is that you were a villain but you were trying to be good and my birth mom, Emma-"

"Wait, Emma," said Regina, "as in the dead child of Snow White and Prince James?"

"Like... how do you just automatically figure I'm taking about that Emma?" wondered Henry.

"Oh, well, it's simple," said the Dark One. "Snow White banned the naming of children 'Emma' and killed everyone with that name already. But Emma is not dead, dearies, she was stolen by the Snow Queen. Snow White isn't just a batshit crazy monarch, she's an oppressed batshit crazy monarch trying to get her child back from the manipulative bitch crazy monarch."

"One who hoodwinked her into a deal that, quite frankly, I'm jealous of. It was played out quite masterfully," sulked Belle.

"No it wasn't," groaned Henry. "The whole thing is full of massive plotholes and timeline inconsistencies! Your real self would be disgusted!"

"I'm disgusted by those unshaven pits," said Tinkerbell with a huff at Regina who glared.

"Oh, because you had such perfect hygiene in Neverland, did you? I'm sorry that I wasn't expecting visitors," snarked Regina, "or I would have gotten a full El Dorado wax for your pleasure."

"I told you, I was not trying to hit on you at that sunflower bar!"

"Can we go already?" sighed Henry, "it's creeping me out standing in the place where my mother murdered her father that she named me after."

"Sounds like you have a real fucked up family, buddy," said Neal.

"How many times do I have to tell you, you are part of that family," Henry huffed.

"Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah, see, here's the thing, I'd rather be in denial of all that shit, okay? That way, I won't go insane or contemplate suicide or both."

"Yeah," sighed Henry, "I hear you, Dad."

AN: Wait, you're saying, didn't Hook kill Olaf in Storybrooke? Silly, readers, freakish living snowmen can't die! How does Evil Snow White know what her real self is like? Plothole alert!

Next up: Let's slap an ending on Isaac's piece of trash and get back to the real story!