Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.
Answer to Chapter 32 Question: Spike was obsessed with the bloomn' onion at The Bronze on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
PART II
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
FISHDICKS
"Deja vu all over again," uttered Neal as they walked the docks.
"Isn't that redundant?" asked Hook.
"It's a saying. The famous philosopher Yogi Berra."
"That cartoon bear on the demon picture box?" the pirate presumed, then amended, "Too bad we didn't pack another picnic basket. The food in these pubs is quite awful."
"You know," snorted Neal, "if you keep eating like this, you're gonna get fat. And no one likes a fat, balding pirate. Look at Smee?"
"I am not turning into Smee!" Hook hissed. "You take that back!"
"Then give me that candy stash you were hiding in your saddlebag."
"I have no idea to what you are referring."
"I think he means this one," Elsa cut in, stepping forward holding the aforementioned bag of sweets.
"Theif! Those are mine, ice witch!" Hook snapped and snatched the bag away before stomping on ahead of them.
"What's wrong with him?" asked Elsa and Emma rolled her eyes.
"What isn't wrong with him? It'd be easier to name those things."
"You're sure we can find a ship fast enough to intercept Hans?" the blonde queen inquired, uncertain while eyeing warily the seedy-looking sea-fairing folk who were staring at her.
"You know," cut in Neal, "you could have put on less conspicuous clothes. You stand out more than that douche walking around Storybrooke with more bling than a gangsta at da club and his chest hair blowing in the breeze."
"You did not just say 'gangsta at da club'," groaned Emma.
"What? I'm trying to educate Elsa on Land Without Magic slang."
"Not even Ruby says that, and she's the only person I know who actually goes clubbing. Well, and maybe Tinkerbell, but she's a thug," said Emma who then frowned. "I can't believe I just called a fairy a thug. Look, clearly spending theses days or weeks or however long we've been here with you two overly-testosteroneed idiots has started to rot my brain."
"Or maybe Metatron lied about curing your syphilis," quipped Neal.
Emma punched him in the arm. "Dork."
"You're just figuring that out now?"
She rolled her eyes and retorted more cheerfully, "No, but it's nice to be reminded."
Neal grinned at that, then groaned as he caught site of Hook flirting with a prostitute. "I'd better go rescue one of them from additional STDs."
After he'd strode off, Elsa inquired, "You had Cupid's Disease?"
Emma grimaced at that. "All I did was kiss him, I swear, on basically a dare for him helping save my father from... stuff that doesn't really matter. He said it was a canker sore, the bastard."
"Yes, he's rather... unlikable," agreed Elsa. "Far too moody. Emotionally suffocating. And he accosted me last night at the camp fire to try and trade rum for hair care secrets."
"Yeah, Great Grandpa's got problems."
That drew a confused look from the Queen. "That pirate is your great grandfather?"
"Unfortunately," conceded Emma. "He raped my great grandmother who gave my grandmother up for secret Dark One facilitated adoption after he'd hightailed his pervert ass back to Neverland where he mostly stayed for a couple hundred years, aside from his supply runs to bang barmaids. He claims he only 'took them in the aft', but either he slipped or he's a lying piece of scum. Probably both. Also, he's Neal's step-dad."
"And you and Neal have a son named Henry?"
"Named by his adoptive mother who's my step grandmother for her father that she murdered to cast the Dark Curse that created Storybrooke to get revenge on my mother for ruining her life by getting her fiancé killed by her peasant-who-married-a-prince-named-Henry mother who would have married my prince grandfather instead if my grandmother, Captain Pervert's kid, hadn't framed her for theft and spun her actual tale of sexual deception that's tantamount to rape into her being a massive cheating slut."
"And I thought my family had rape issues after what you told me."
"I think it's like a general running theme in this world overall," said Emma. "I do feel a bit sorry for Ingrid, honestly. Almost molested by a pervert as a kid. Then almost raped by her sister's asshole boyfriend who used her sister as a human shield. She was trying to use her magic to save Helga and ended up punished by Gerta without being given a chance to explain.
"Which doesn't lessen the whole crazy shit prophesy business or pushing me in front of a speeding car," Emma amended. "You didn't go crazy in that urn, so the woman obviously was born with a screw a bit loose... like most of my family," she sighed. "But she should be medicated and institutionalized, not imprisoned and called evil. There's certified psychopaths like Regina's half sister who raped and murdered for fun and just because it was a Sunday, and then there's just a sad, delusional woman who probably has schizophrenia or something."
Neal had finally dragged a grouchy Hook away from the whore who now had his bag of candy, and reported, "A ship just in this morning reported seeing the Jolly Roger before sunset somewhere off the coast of Hangman's Island."
"The best course of action then is to try and contact Ariel and have her scout around," said Emma.
"Erm... do we have to?" groaned Hook.
"Worried she'll fish slap you?" huffed Emma.
"No. And seeing as we don't have a magical seashell, how are we going to contact that fishy bi...er... lass anyway?"
Neal told Hook, "Actually, I have a better idea. We're going to call upon Poseidon and you're going to promise to give his daughter her voice back as soon as we return to the Land Without Magic."
"And just how would he even know-"
Neal took Hook's sword from his belt and slashed the pirate's hand. Hook let out a yelp and an alarmed look as Neal plunged the bloody cutlass into the sea and intoned, "Poseidon, King of Atlantis, Lord of the Seven Seas, I call parlay with thee!"
Hook swore. "Goddamn it! I never should have introduced you to the Neverland mermaids!"
Elsa looked uncertain and inquired, "Will that really w-"
-276Before she had finished that thought, the water began to froth at the mouth of the harbor and something shot toward them like a torpedo just bellow the surface before bursting free at the dock, the mighty Poseidon, tentacles and all!
"Who summons the Great and... Oh, it's you!" the Merman growled, a tentacle shooting out of the water and wrapping around Hook, yanking him off the dock.
"Eeeeep! Your Majesty! Don't kill me!"
"I was thinking more along the lines of extended water torture as humans cannot breath underwater!"
"Please! Please! I want to parlay! You can't torture a pirate who asks for parlay!" Hook pleaded.
Poseidon scowled and set him back on the dock. "Very well, pirate. What do you want?"
"To help you!" Hook told him, head bobbing. "I can give your daughter back her voice so she can return to this world!"
The Mer-King looked suspiciously at the pirate. "And why would you do such a thing, pirate, when it was you who took her innocence, who used her just to spite our kind?"
Elsa gave Hook a disgusted look. "You ravished a teenage mer-girl?"
"Wha-no!" Hook howled. "I took her voice. Her innocent singing voice not her... I'm a nymphomaniac not a pedophile! Unlike, Nealfire over here," he scoffed.
"Dude!" Neal exclaimed, "Emma was seventeen not seven. I thought she was eighteen. And, besides it was her idea. And we did it to 'Ashes to Ashes' while I wore a kimono. It was very classy."
"A Kimono, really? Women are into that?" asked Hook.
"What, you own one for your own personal pleasure?"
"I like the feeling of silk against my privates as wearing leather all day really chafes. I had to kill a very important Shangri-la-inese... eh, bugger it, Magical Chinese pirate for it," defended Hook.
"Yes," interjected Poseidon with a glower, "I'm sure you were both very masculine in your Kimono-wearing. Can we get back to my daughter?"
"Sure. And about that," scoffed Hook. "Have you forgotten that you disinherited her when she didn't have her mer-princess skills?"
Poseidon's expression grew angrier. "I had to obey the established rules of our kingdom, pirate, or I would be a hypocrite amongst our people. Something that obviously means nothing to you!"
"How is disowning your daughter to be taken in by a couple of crazy witches and lured into a life of villainy honorable, fish-man?"
Poseidon made to stab Hook with his trident.
"Okay, okay!" Neal interceded, "no need to trade blame, yeah? Look, call it a familial obligation, Your Majesty? His kin needs a favor for a friend, which incidentally also helps him get back his ship, which makes him less of a mooching, lay-about pain-in-the-ass. A ship he'll take to another world and never bother you again. But he has to get the shell from the ship to help your daughter get her voice back."
"If that's the case, I could simply get the shell and go to this other world and retrieve my daughter," said Poseidon.
"Yeah, I'd like to see you walking around New York City in that get-up," scoffed Hook.
"Please," said Neal, "people would pay him to take selfies with him. You on the other hand looked like a douchey off Broadway actor who got kicked out by his girlfriend in his costume after she discovered he was a peeping tom and burned all his real clothes and had been living on the streets on a rum bender for a week while stalking MILFs."
"I do not want to sleep with my mother!" growled Hook.
Emma interjected, "Aaaaaaaaanyway, Your Majesty, The Land Without Magic is without magic. It's very different. You'd never be able to find Ursula. Rumplestiltskin is actually the only one who knows where she is."
"The Dark One? You'd make a deal with him?" Poisoned exclaimed.
"Naw, he's my old man," said Neal. "He owes me like three centuries worth of favors for leaving me to rot in Neverland by accident. Plus, dying to save his life. And if the whole thing with Excalibur in Camelot worked, the Dark One curse was permanently destroyed in a rather anti-climatic fight with an ill-tempered little man impersonating King Arthur... and his wife and some old-school magical spark from the Titans."
"Hmm, you speak of a Prometheus Flame. One of my ancestors had a torrid affair with that thief," recalled Poseidon.
"Really?" asked Hook, surprised.
"He was a man of fire. We are people of the water. It was a rebellious teenage fling," he explained, then after a moment of thought decided, "Very well, I will help you find your ship. But my daughter must be returned to me by the next King Tide."
With that said, Poseidon vanished beneath the surface of the water and Hook groaned. "Bloody hell, that's in less than a month!"
"Then I guess we'll be taking a road trip to New York when we get home," sighed Emma, massaging her temples. "I'll have to track down Lily too. Ugh. I am not looking forward to that."
"You?" snorted Neal. "I'm not looking forward to roadtripping with the both of you and your anamorphic enemies."
"Why can't we just sail my ship?" asked Hook.
"There's no port in Vermont."
"How did you end up going from New York to Boston through Vermont on the way to Maine?" asked Hook, bewildered. "I may not know much of that world, but I did study the maps Cora gave me, and those two kingdoms do not share a border anywhere near the ports of New York or Boston."
Emma frowned. "I took a wrong turn, okay? Regina was getting on my nerves bitching about Zelena and Robin and then we decided, what the hell, to pick up some maple syrup on the way... and stop looking at me like that."
"Sorry, it just sounds pretty gay," said Neal.
"Agreed," nodded Hook. "Henry's two mums going on a quest for maple syrup to make him pancakes... mmm.. pancakes..."
Emma punched them both in the arms. "I am not gay for my own stepgrandmtoher! Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, of course," she amended with a nod at Elsa who was utterly confused, "but even quasincest is gross."
"Of course any sort of incest is morally abhorrent, but there's nothing wrong with being happy," said the Queen.
Neal pulled Emma aside while Elsa took a seat on some crates to wait and Hook riffled through their supplies for more food and booze.
"Elsa's into girls?" asked Neal.
Emma shrugged. "Well, a queen who's still not married even though her kid sister's engaged, she's weirdly insistent on the one evening gown she owns like she's trying to prove something, and most importantly, Hook never once even made a pass at her. The only other woman he never made a pass at is Mulan. I mean, he hit on my mom and slept with Cora! I think he has subconscious gaydar or something."
"You mean to say Hook's lechery might actually have some use?"
"If 'use' is letting him lose in a bar and taking bets on women's sexuality for sport, then sure," snorted Emma just before there was an even bigger upsurge of water in the harbor than before.
People scattered in fear as the water exploded in a geyser that turned out to be the surfacing Jolly Roger, terrified crew and all.
"You'd better keep your deal, pirate!" Poseidon said before removing his tentacles from the ship's hull and vanishing once more into the sea.
"ELSA!?" a bound Anna cried from the deck.
"ANNA!" shouted Elsa.
Hans moved to slit the girl's throat, but Emma blasted him with magic and told Elsa, "Help me immobilize the crew!"
"I can't! My magic hasn't worked right since you freed me!"
"You can do it! Believe in yourself!" encouraged Emma, giving her hand a squeeze.
Elsa then blew half the crew off their feet with a gust of icey wind.
"Yeah," Neal considered, "so gay."
"I know, right?" agreed Hook. "I have this recurring fantasy of her and Mulan in kimonos."
"You do realize that kimonos are actually Japanes, not Chinese..."
"Stop ruining my hot lesbian fantasy with your logic, Nealfire!" hissed the pirate before he was set upon by Blackbeard.
A sword and magic battle ensued that was quite exciting, if you're into that sort of thing. The seaside prostitute was also a bookie and took bets on who would win. In the end, it was a wash as there was suddenly a tingling of magic right around the area of Anna's naval.
"Oh no, a portk-I mean portal of some kind specifically keyed to me has been activated!" she cried.
"It's the wishing star!" exclaimed Elsa. "Ingrid must have activated it!"
"Use your lesbian magical handshake powers, Swan!" cut in Hook.
Elsa croaked out a confused, "Wha-"
"Just go with it," groaned Emma, taking Elsa's hand before they all joined hands and a web of magic washed over the enchanted ship.
And just like that, the ship was beached on a frozen sandbar near Henry's old play castle, minus Blackbeard and his crew.
A giddy Ingrid stood on the snow-covered beach. Barefoot. Another sign of her mental problems, no doubt.
"YOU BITCH!" shouted Elsa.
"YOU WILL JOIN ME, GERTA!'
"I'M ELSA, YOU DELUSIONAL WHORE!"
"BUT SOON YOU WILL BE GERTA. IT'S TIME YOU ACCEPTED THAT!"
'WHY DO YOU EVEN WANT ME TO BE THE WOMAN WHO WAS SO AFRAID OF YOU SHE TRAPPED YOU IN THAT URN AND MADE YOUR OWN PARENTS FORGET YOU EXISTED!?"
"STOP ASKING ME RATIONAL QUESTIONS AND JOIN ME! WE WILL DESTROY THIS PATHETIC TOWN AND RETURN THROUGH THE WARDROBE TO ARENDELLE TO RULE AS BELOVED SISTERS AS THE PROPHESY FORETOLD!"
Elsa tried to blast Ingrid with snow magic, but Ingrid countered it with her own snow magic, so it was a bit like Harry Potter and Voldemort fighting each other with core-sibling wands.
Emma finally snapped out of it and threw her own magic into the battle, knocking Ingrid back. The Snow Queen hissed at them and then vanished in a purple cloud.
"She's going to cast that stupid mirror spell, isn't she?" sighed Neal.
"There's a mirror spell?" asked Hook, intrigued, as he was drawn to his reflection the way raccoons are drawn to shiny objects.
"It makes people try to kill each other."
"Oh, well, that's no fun then is it?" he sighed.
"I suppose it depends who you want to kill," Neal shot at him with a narrowed-eyed look.
"Please, I would wipe the deck with you!"
"You've gotten beaten up by an old lady, a woman terrified of physical combat, a bookworm, a cripple, and a twelve year old boy who doesn't even know how to use a wooden sword properly," pointed out Neal.
"Hey, Henry never beat me up!"
"Not that you remember."
"Can we please get off this ship and someplace warmer?" griped Emma, reminding, "And don't forget your voice shell."
"Stupid mere-people," grumbled Hook, "always wanting their singing voices. Ursula made fun of my sea chantey that I wrote, did you know that? I wanted her professional advice and instead she was meaner than those judges on those singing shows that Belle watches on the demon picture box."
"Why are you watching singing competitions with Belle?" asked Neal.
"She thinks I have a very lovely voice and the Clock Tower has great acoustics!"
"You have an awful singing voice," said Emma. "I've heard you in the shower. She's bullshitting you."
"But why would she do that? Belle is the kindest, sweetest, most gullible person in Storybrooke!" huffed Hook, confused.
"Or maybe she's really the most manipulative," retorted Neal with a shrug. "There was a grain of truth in all of our fictional characterizations. You liked musicals, I was an unhappy thief..."
"Belle as the real mastermind? That's a scary possibility, mate."
"Almost as scary as having the middle name 'Cosmo'," snarked Emma.
Hook's brow lifted in Neal's direction. "Your middle name is 'Cosmo'?"
"No," huffed Neal.
"Oh my gods! Your middle name is 'Cosmo'!"
"Well your first name is 'Killian'!"
"Yes, but 'Cosmo' is worse, mate, and combined with 'Baelfire'? I'd rather go bald!"
"No you wouldn't."
Hook sighed. "No, I wouldn't..."
"There's nothing wrong with your name, Neal," Emma tried to reassure him. "I was just teasing."
"Yeah, well," he responded with a frown, "you wouldn't be if Granny wasn't so deaf and your parents named you 'Annawrad'."
AN: How does Neal know Emma's real intended name? I guess it's just some of that dead guy insight. Is Belle really more evil than the Blue Fairy? Who can say! The "Dork" line is from a fanfiction I read long ago. I no longer remember the story, author, or even fandom. The "Ashes to Ashes" bit is a reference to David Bowie and the 15 year old young lady who lost her virginity to him. Shame on all you so-called feminists out there who said the poor woman doesn't know her own mind; you're the reason there is a #WomenAgainstFeminism movement! (Anyone know what the chapter title refers to?)
Next up: Belle might not be a mastermind (or is she?), but she is smarter than your average Storybrooke character.