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SEVEN DAYS EARLIER
Jack and Sarah had been in their new place for about one week. That one unsuspecting blind date led to a second one and then another. At the time, Sarah's sarcastic and self-deprecating humor seemed to do the trick for Jack - it was almost medicinal in a way. He had a feeling early on that Sarah hid pain and insecurities behind her sardonic wit, but she made him laugh. Laugh in a way that he hadn't in a long time.
Jack looked around the one bedroom apartment, Sarah had the place unpacked and looking as if it had been lived in for years. She had particularly refined taste in furniture and art, it came with the territory of her career as a marketing director for Sotheby's, the world renown auction house, it didn't hurt either that her mother was a well-known interior designer in LA.
These were just a few of the many reasons that Christian would tell him why Sarah was a perfect partner for Jack. She would create a home that would one day reflect the success of a famous surgeon and her career would easily take a backseat once they started a family.
Her promotion was what brought him to New York, Jack was hesitant at first, but his father encouraged him to move. And if the truth be said, his father was the one that brought him to the jeweler and urged him to buy the ring and propose before leaving for the east coast. He told him that it was improper to simply move in together without him laying out his intentions.
Jack wasn't ready, and when he was in the store, his mind began to reel from memories of Kate and the ring he bought for her. How much he wanted to place it on her finger. He had wished he had felt the same level of excitement in selecting the ring for his now fiancée as he did for Kate … but that would be a lie. That feeling belonged to Kate only.
He then remembered the conversation they shared at the jewelry store.
"What if I am only asking her because I am replacing Kate with her? Should I marry her, dad?"
Jack looked at his father, seeking an honest answer. Needing sincerity from his dad at this moment more than ever before.
Christian smiled, "Commitment is what makes you tick, Jack. The problem is you're just not good at letting go."
Sarah didn't want to live in resident housing even though it would have been much less expensive, she begged Jack to say yes to the pre-war doorman building on East 72nd Street. Sarah was pretty good at finding Jack's soft spot and it didn't take long for her to sweet talk him into co-signing the lease.
So once again Jack had acquiesced, this time because she had fallen in love with this particular apartment - it had a sunken living room, high ceilings and updated bathrooms and kitchen, a typical elegant apartment.
The truth is, money wasn't really an issue, he just didn't see the sense of paying more than twice the rent for an apartment when a suitable one was available. Jack liked making Sarah happy, so he went along with her many whims, including letting her decide on all the wedding plans.
Although Jack's hours at St. Sebastian's were long, Jack was disciplined in making sure that they went on a few dates a week and whatever free time he had was devoted to her. He pretty much gave up golf except when she would join and her friends became his. He didn't want to see the hospital destroy his relationship as it had for his parents' marriage, so he tried to make Sarah his priority. He hoped that he would be able to maintain a similar enough schedule here.
Before moving back to New York, Jack had reached out to some of his old friends from his days at Columbia to let them know that he was heading back east. A few of them were physicians, but most had some type of career in finance. It was easier than he thought to re-adjust to Manhattan life, he certainly did not miss LA traffic.
Jack was sitting on the sofa while watching some television when Sarah walked in.
Jack looked up, she was wearing a sports bra and some running shorts. Her lean frame and California tan made her a lovely sight, although he secretly wished she would put on a little weight and some curves.
Jack smiled brightly, "Hi Sarah, did you take a run in Central Park?"
"Yeah, it wasn't easy though, New York City can be pretty humid."
Jack playfully patted his left hand to the empty spot next to him on the sofa, "Come over here and tell me about your day."
Sarah rolled her eyes, "Ewwww, I'm gross and sweaty. And I have to hop in the shower. Apparently, one of the directors from London is in town and I have to go meet him and Evelyn now and then we're supposed to go to dinner."
"Okay." He nodded and adjusted himself on the sofa in an effort to relax as he watched her leave the room. He was trying to take advantage of the remaining free days he had before he started working again. It was nice not having to think about patients for once. The last few days had been nice, they had gone out to eat at some nice restaurants and been to a few museums. He did his best to not be reminded of Kate, especially when they were at the Met. That was one of her favorite places and she made him accompany her countless times when he visited her at Columbia.
There were definite moments when it was hard for him to be back here though, at times he could almost feel Kate holding his hand or whispering something into his ear when he roamed the sidewalks. Walking among the crowded streets and adrift in his imagination, he pictured Kate next to him and they would be carrying on long conversations, usually followed by her juicy laughter.
He refused to go anywhere near Columbia, he knew that it would bring back too many memories, even though he had many of his own from his days at college, they were completely overshadowed by those he created with her.
While his fiancée was in the room next door, his thoughts still lingered on Kate and he wondered where she was now, where she would begin her residency and what specialty she would pursue. He knew she completed med school at Columbia, but he made a concerted effort to not know any other details about her life, it was too painful for him. The less he knew, the better.
He especially didn't want know if she was in another relationship and that is why he avoided any conversation that could veer into that territory with Claire.
Jack's thoughts were interrupted when Sarah walked into the living room, "Hon, I'm so sorry that I have to go."
Teasingly, he responded, "Okay, since you're abandoning me, I'll just fend for myself. I'm gonna head out and grab something to eat, maybe a burger at the pub around the corner."
She threw him a guilty look, "Sorry Jack."
Jack gave her a childish grin, "Stop it, I'm just trying to make you feel guilty. It's usually me spoiling our plans anyway."
Jack could hear Sarah rummaging about in their bedroom as she called out, "I'm going to drop some stuff off at the dry cleaner. Do you have anything that needs to go too?"
"Nothing besides what's in the hamper." He called out in response.
Jack was sitting at the desk, surfing aimlessly on his laptop. He felt restless, so he stood up to stretch out his legs and headed over to the window to take a peek outside. He studied the people walking on the sidewalk below. He had a few hours until his shift started and he was starting to feel on edge again. It had been three days since he saw Kate and he wasn't able to get her off of his mind. He still felt himself lost in that singular little face, in the despair of her beautiful eyes. For years, he lived in his private abyss of longing, but now he would see her regularly, his emotions could not be as easily hidden and that left him feeling exposed.
He didn't mention anything about Kate being at the same hospital to Sarah, he didn't know how he was going to broach that sensitive subject. Just last week, while they were unpacking, she discovered a shoebox that contained old photos of Kate, she became so furious. She didn't ask him to throw them away, even though he could tell she wanted him to. But he didn't offer. They both silently let the matter drop, perhaps because they each knew that they weren't going to get the responses they wanted.
Still, he just knew he would have to tell her about Kate sooner rather than later.
Sarah crept up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist and whispered, "A penny for your thoughts, Dr. Shephard?"
Jack turned around so he could face her and offered a tight smile, "Nothing worth paying a penny for, I'm afraid."
Sarah raised an eyebrow, "Are you sure? You looked like you had some heavy thoughts floating around in there." Jack shook his head and bent down to give her a quick peck on her forehead.
Feeling slightly uncomfortable, he broke away from her and headed back to his desk. He was feeling guilty and he knew why. He leaned back into the chair, closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his head. Sarah observed him for a few moments and decided it was best to leave him alone when he was like this, she wasn't going to get anything out of him for now.
Sarah called to him, her voice trying to sound airy and to not betray the slight feeling of hurt she felt by his aloofness. "Jack, I'm heading out and I'm going to the gym afterwards, so I guess I'll see you tomorrow…?"
Jack raised his head and looked at her, "Yeah, okay, sounds good. Bye." Her eyes lingered on him as she slowly headed to the door.
He didn't bother to get out of his chair and kiss her goodbye, somehow kissing her at that moment felt disingenuous to him and he knew it was absurd to feel that way- she was his fiancée.
Jack still couldn't get the image of her and those tear strewn cheeks out of his head - even while crying, she still looked gorgeous. And to confuse him even further, Kate was wearing the necklace, his necklace - she was still wearing it all these years later. He imagined that it had to be a constant reminder of him for her and he kept trying to understand why she would hang onto something that held so much significance for both them. Without thinking, his attention was drawn to the tattooed art on his forearm.
His head and heart hurt thinking about it and he found himself imagining whether things could have been different and whether it could have been Kate that he was sharing a bed… and a life with now. He swallowed hard.
Jack felt a vibration in his shorts' pocket and reached to fish out his phone, he looked at the screen - 'Dad'.
He hit the 'answer' button, "Hi Dad."
"Hello Jack, how are you? How is Sarah? Are you both all settled in? How is it at NY Presbyterian?" His fathered asked or rather peppered him.
"Good Dad. Everything's going real well."
"Are you sure about that, son?"
Jack recognized that inflection in his father's voice all too well. "Yeah, I'm sure. Why… what's up?" He then heard his father suck in his breath.
"Alright Jack, I'm not going to beat around the bush. Robert McAdams, the Chief of Surgery, gave me a call yesterday and what he had to say was pretty disconcerting to say the least. He mentioned that you were involved in some kind of conduct that smacked of impropriety with a female surgical intern?! I told him that it must be some kind of mistake because there was no way you would ever be involved in anything like that-"
'Oh fuck', Jack muttered and he quickly realized he might of said it too loud.
"What Jack? I didn't hear you. Did you just say something? Is our connection breaking up?"
It was a moment before he answered. "No Dad, I'm still here."
"Well, what the hell is going on?"
Jack sucked in a deep breath, "Nothing Dad, like you said, it was a misunderstanding. I'll go to McAdams tonight and explain everything to him."
"Well then explain it to me now, how did you manage to embroil yourself in something within days of starting there? Who is this girl?"
Jack couldn't believe that he was having this discussion with his father, the man was literally two and half thousand miles away and somehow he still knew the inner workings of his life. Would he ever be able to get out from under Christian's thumb?
Jack sighed, since his Dad wanted to speak bluntly, he decided to go along, "That girl is Kate! It's Kate, Dad. Okay?" He could even detect the exasperation in his own voice.
Christian was silent for a few seconds, "I … I see. And he said ... she is a … surgical intern?"
Jack snorted, "Oh, it gets better than that, Dad. She is starting her neurosurgery rotation in January. Looks like I'm not the only one that was able to get a position in this program."
"Well, son this is a serious problem. You are aware that there are hospital policies forbidding fraternization between physicians not in the same level of training-"
Jack was fuming now, "What the hell are you talking about, Dad? I'm not sleeping with Kate."
"But, I bet you're thinking about it-"
Jack could just picture the smug look on his father's face right now, "Dad, just because you have had problems complying with hospital conduct policies, doesn't mean I do."
In his best know-it-all voice Christian told Jack, "Jack … my son, what a short memory you have. Regardless, I'll see what I can do here. Maybe something can be worked out."
At this point, Jack was pacing furiously around the living room, the force of his steps practically wearing down the threads of the Persian tapestry. "Do what?! You're not doing anything, Dad. This is my concern and I'm fixing it. Stay out of it, do you understand?"
Jack hung up on him and with all his force he flung the phone on the floor and watched it splinter into a dozen pieces.
He stared at the remnants of his phone and muttered to himself. That was fucking brilliant, Jack
He glanced at his watch, grabbed his keys and wallet as he headed to the store to buy another phone.
It had been five long days since Kate saw him. She had been tempted to call him on more than one occasion, in order to apologize and explain how badly she felt for behaving in such poor form that day. But, she knew that those words were best left said in person. She had been looking for him, but their shifts had not coincided, she worked days and he worked nights. She went to the neurosurgery department and looked up his schedule. He was working overnight again, she decided that she would get in early tomorrow so she could find him, so they could finally talk.
What Kate didn't know, was that Jack had intentionally swapped shifts with another resident. He switched days and hours, so he could avoid Kate and any other possible confrontations or calamity. He also needed to sort out what he was feeling. He was still hiding the truth from Sarah about Kate working at the hospital.
Kate was too touchy a topic. The demise of his relationship with Kate was far from mutual and Sarah was very much in tune with that. That knowledge made Sarah insecure and on more than one occasion she would lash out and mention Kate when she was angry or felt that Jack was aloof or in a faraway place, which he was more often than he cared to admit.
Kate finally found him, it was 4:30 am, he was alone in the lounge. He was stretched uncomfortably in an armchair, his arms folded over his chest, legs extended and crossed at his ankles. It looked like he had dozed off just before she stirred him awake by her presence. It was if he sensed her enter the doorway.
He looked a little disoriented as he pinched the bridge of his nose with his right thumb and forefinger, but he quickly settled in his seat. His body tensed up as soon as he saw her approach him, he quickly rested his elbows on his thighs and looked curiously at her.
He sighed, "Hey."
"Hey."
She Kate wrung her hands, "Jack, uhm … so, I've been looking for you." The words were so hard to get out, but she continued, "I want to tell you how sorry I am about the other day, I can't possibly explain, but … I am so, so sorry. Please believe that."
Jack's face changed, growing tighter, and his eyes moved away from hers. Angrily, he tried to concentrate on her flaws, willfully trying to recall their arguments and some of her annoying habits. It wasn't working.
She winced at his reaction but continued to stare at him. Her eyes moved all over his face, reading him, trying to will him to look at her.
He then cast her a hard look. He roughly broke his eye contact and looked away from her again.
She refused to be unnerved by his coldness, though. She hesitantly approached his sitting form and crouched down towards him. Her little frame tucked almost perfectly between his open legs.
It was too intimate of a gesture: Raw pleasure, so achingly sublime but wrapped with bitter misery and regrets.
"Jack, please look at me." She rested her hands on his knees and she could feel him flinch, as if her touch burned him. The too familiar nature of her touch did not go unnoticed by him, he bowed his head and looked at her hands perched on his legs. He could smell her familiar scent, that slightly citrus fragrance mixed with some unidentified floral sent, it was, it was so…Kate.
He reluctantly lifted his eyes to look at her, as if he were afraid of falling under her spell. It was all because of Kate that he had developed a taste for masochism. Or was that need always there and he made sure to fall in love with a woman that would always put him through the wringer?
Her cheeks reddened, and she shook her head, "Jack, I know… I know you don't understand… I never thought I would see you again and when I did…."
His jaw clenched and unclenched, she could see that she was making him angry, that he was blocking her out, he didn't want to let her in.
And that is when she noticed it - the intricate ink running along the inside of his forearm up to the bicep peeking out from under the short sleeve shirt of his scrubs.
The markings surprised her, so unexpected and didn't seem like they could remotely belong to the man sitting before her - the man that she thought she knew. As if in a trance, she tentatively traced her fingertips along the curious design.
Her touch ... was excruciating, yet he conveniently allowed himself to lean in closer. An inch or two more, her cheek would be grazing his.
He was so, so close to her, close enough to kiss her. He then saw her eyebrows lift in that adorable way when she was confused.
In a tiny hoarse voice, a beat too late, she whispered, "Oh? You got ... tattoos? Are they new…?"
He blurted out, "No. I started getting them around four years ago."
She shifted uncomfortably and looked downward as if ashamed, "Oh…"
She understood what he meant, he got them because of her, because she broke up with him, because she wounded him.
Unconsciously, she continued to gently trace her fingers along the scattered stars that were about to be engulfed by a ball of flames. Her touch had him frozen in place. The feel of the light brush of her fingers was all too familiar, he had believed that he would never feel her touch again. For years, the thought of her flooded every recess of his mind - they belonged together, there was a rightness to it, he felt it, he knew it ... but that was all in the past now.
She gazed up into his eyes, "Did it hurt?"
That was too much.
With a hard look, Jack flared hotly, "Not nearly as much as WHY I got them, Kate!" He took a hard swallow and said, "I got them … each and every one of them in order to try to get over you!"
Jack swiveled his head, looking over his shoulder, not wanting to see her, not wanting her to see the wetness in his eyes.
He tried to focus his attention on anything but her. His eyes were blinking furiously now, working so hard to keep the tears at bay while the lump in his throat grew larger and thicker.
Kate reeled as if he had slapped her, but she deserved it. She had ripped this beautiful man's heart out.
Those tattoos must have meant to be a permanent reminder of the pain she caused him, a symbol to always remind him of her callousness.
Jack bowed his head and Kate watched as he pressed his fingers against his temples - in a manner that was so ... Jack.
Seeing his despair made Kate's eyes fill with tears and they slowly ran down her face, she lifted the back of her hand and placed it under her nose. She sucked in a painful cry, "I'm so sorry Jack, please forgive me for being so stupid. I was young, scared and foolish. Jack! Please look at me!" Her heavy eyes pleaded, just as she reached to cup his face into the palms of her hands. She had to shift the direction of his face, so he could look at her and see the bottomless well of regret she felt.
This was way too much for him.
He stood up abruptly, he wasn't able to withstand this gut wrenching agony anymore. Her mere presence was sending him into a tailspin.
Why was she doing this to him?
Her body reacted to his sudden movement and she jumped up to her feet as well.
A few errant tears made their way down his cheeks, he pointed his hand at her, and with a dry and hoarse voice he exclaimed, "Kate, I can't. I can't do this, okay? It's been a long time. A very long time. I had to move on, I couldn't wait any longer for you." He paused. "Kate, I waited and waited and you never came back to me." He choked those last words out, the pain in them so evident, Kate's knees nearly buckled.
Kate, with her head bowed low, she whispered, "I've loved you since the day I first saw you and yet I did this. I ruined us…."
Jack looked wounded and his voice cracked, "Kate, please. Why are you finally telling me all this when it's too late -"
She saw a terrible sadness in his expression. Kate covered her ears, she had an idea of what he was planning to say and it shredded her heart, "Jack, I think I know what you are going to say, so please don't say it. Please, I'm begging you!"
Fresh tears were raining down each of their faces now, their heaving chests merely inches apart from one another.
They were hurting. The exact same pain from all those years ago.
Kate charged past Jack. She had him, she had him and she lost him.
A/N: Hi everyone, so I know that this chapter is a rough one. But I am going to ask you guys to trust me. You didn't expect it to be that easy did you? ;) What is a Lost AU story without a love triangle or love quadrangle or love rhombus, huh?
Just like in the show, timing was always a factor for Jack and Kate, as well as their stubbornness.
So how many of you figured out that his blind date was with Sarah?
I'm working on TTR, I love that story and I know an update is overdue. I love writing it, but phew that story is a lot, A LOT of work.
Thanks again and PLEASE continue reviewing. I want to see us finish this story together, so please REVIEW.