Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.

Answer to Chapter 33 Question: Everyone one on South Park realizes that saying "fish sticks" really fast sounds like "fish dicks".

Note to jane: So true! It was just WEIRD that they said horrible things to each other... and then ended it by laughing hysterically and brushing it all off by focusing on their silly wardrobe change. This is how OUAT deals with serious problems between characters: deal with it under a curse, then pretend it didn't happen/forgive without dealing with it. Dark Swan/Dark Poochie is the latest example of that.

General Note: Some formatting errors in the previous chapter have been fixed as well as Hook's recollection of Emma and Regina's roadtrip as I remembered after-the-fact that they found Lily before heading to NYC but after not finding her in Boston.

PART II

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

THE MIRROR OF ECIVEDTOLP

"What do you mean there was no prophesy?" Emma asked The Apprentice.

They were sitting in the Library where the old creep was sipping tea after being released from the Magical Hat, because Rumplestiltskin had predictably lied and broken his promise to his son, blackmailed Hook for his coat cleaning services, and had been planning to Hoover up the fairies before Ingrid and Isaac derailed his plan. He'd also, presumably, intended to do something similar to that 'Ultra Dark One' con he managed in the other timeline, but thankfully, when the shady pawnbroker re-switched the real dagger for the fake one in Neal's room at Granny's, Neal switch them back, having been 99% sure his father was going to break in and do so.

An addict was an addict.

Naturally, Belle scheduled Rumple for extra counseling sessions with Archie... once he woke up from the magical coma he'd fallen into the moment Emma did her thing with Excalibur, which must have left him momentarily pissed off at the realization his switch-er-oo was switch-er-oo'd before he passed out.

In any event, Belle had been toting around the annoying enchanted rose that the old geezer from the hat had given her, because for some reason there was no more portable way to monitor Rumple's health.

"I'm saying," restated the real Mickey Mouse, "that I never even met the woman. I've heard of Ingrid of Arendelle, of course, and that tragic situation of which her people have no memory because of those Rock Trolls, but we never met. I came home one day after a spat with Rumplestiltskin and found my hat box had been mysterious returned, Isaac's book riffled through, and my wardrobe hijacked for personal use. I was able to use a spell on my quill to discern that she had written down a ludicrous 'prophesy' herself based on what she had read in the book, in particular Isaac's self-absorbed embellishments."

"You mean to say she hallucinated everything?" asked Emma.

"Oh, yes," nodded the Apprentice. "Ingrid was an unfortunate child who began to suffer from delusions in her late teenage years. Her parents kept her confined to the castle not because of her ice powers, but because of an unsound mental state which they feared would cause her to use her ice powers to harm innocent people.

"I suspect," he directed at Elsa, "your parents were concerned that the ice magic came in tandem with mental illness and that once you reached the same age as Ingrid, you would begin to... well... lose your mind, and so they were desperate to get help from Rumplestiltskin, to retrieve the ribbons that had kept Ingrid's insanity manageable by binding her to Gerta and Helga, two more-or-less mentally stable psychic influences. Of course, the Rock Trolls were another option in Ingrid's case, to entirely erase her memory to a degree that she became essentially a vegetable..."

"Or we could just give her a wardrobe full of anti-psychotics and send her packing," mused Regina.

"I will miss her ice cream, though," sighed Hook while rubbing at his chest where his heart had recently been returned by a none-too-gentle Regina after Emma had refused to be the one to return it. Gold had been storing it in Pandora's Box with the fake dagger and he swore he could still feel the nagging sense of claustrophobia and hopelessness that he hadn't understood because the Crocodile had also erased his memory of having his heart stolen.

So, now, Neal had spent the last hour making fun of him not knowing that he didn't have heart. Probably, those wispy-woop whatever things not wanting anything to do with him had been a tip-off, though Hook liked to think his heartlessness had allowed him to steal Farther's cup-sword so easily. Which meant Hook had gotten hoodwinked into saving that bastard's worthless life! He was not exactly pleased about that, but at least he was sure the Crocodile would be even more angry that A) his plan to become an even more badass Dark One failed and B) it was in part because of his attempt to blackmail Hook in that sordid plot!

You just couldn't trust an addict, Hook mused while taking a swig from his back-up bottomless rum flask. And sadly, you couldn't kill them when they were related to people who were sort of related to you via marriage and incest or something. Well, you could, technically. He'd killed his father. Regina had killed her father and her mother killed Snow White's mother, David's sort-of-father killed his mother, and the Crocodile killed Regina's half-sister... though, to be fair, they all could have gang stabbed her to death and no one would have complained.

It was a pity he couldn't convince them that the Crocodile was comatose for good and let him stab the old bastard through he heart...

"Stop thinking murderous thoughts about my father," Neal hissed at him while Belle was explaining about the creepy talking mirror in Ingrid's ice cave.

"What makes you think that I'm thinking that?"

"You've got that twitchy eye thing."

"I do not have a twitchy eye thing."

"Yes, you do," interjected Emma.

"She's right, you do," agreed Regina.

"Yes, see, you're doing it right now," nodded David.

"You should probably have your blood pressure checked," considered Belle. "All the alcohol, junk food, and stress over going bald and getting fat... plus the STDs taking a toll on your system."

"I AM NOT STRESSED! I AM NOT GOING BALD OR GETTING FAT! AND I DO NOT HAVE ANY STDs!"

"You are, you definitely are, have you looked in the mirror? And that doesn't heal the brain damage from the ones you had," said Emma.

"You are not a supportive family member."

"You killed your father."

"He was a womanizing douchebag who replaced me and didn't even name my replacement after me but after my jerk of a brother!" grumbled Hook.

"And you're a womanizing douchebag who slept with my kid's grandmother and wants to bang me, you're own great granddaughter."

"WHAT!?" Snow, David, and Regina all shouted at once.

"What, you guys didn't know they're related?" Belle uttered, rolling her eyes. "It's totally obvious from The Complete Peerage of the Enchanted Forest," she said, picking up a massive book that looked to be about 3,000 pages and was covered in dust.

She opened the book while everyone gaped in various states of horror and dismay.

"Eva is basically a female version of Hook, you see?" she pointed to the painting. "I don't know how anyone could not see that. And considering that her adoptive parents were first cousins from a dwindling lesser royal house line that had suffered inbreeding-related infertility problems for several generations, and their summer house was on the coast near the port frequented by pirates who frequently shag prostitutes and ravish unfortunate maidens left with children they don't want... put together the dates and it's quite obvious. Plus, the birthmarks."

"Birthmarks?" uttered Regina. "Do I even want to know?"

"It's a mole just above the left clavicle," said Belle. "Emma had hers surgically removed in New York. Eva had hers magically removed, I assume, as it doesn't appear in the later portraits of her, so either she discovered her paternity and sought to remove the reminder or it was just hereditary vanity-related. The same with her daughter," she nodded at Snow.

Snow blinked and uttered, "I remember having it magically removed when I was a young girl. I overheard my mother telling the Healer it was 'the mark of the Devil'."

"Oh, come on!" groaned Hook. "I'm not that horrible! And from the sound of it, Eva was a terrible person!"

"Well, terrible people never think they're terrible people," pointed out Belle.

"But he doesn't have a mole," David pointed at Hook.

"Yes, I do," the pirate grumbled, tugging aside his shirt collar.

"I've never noticed that before, and you practically walk around with your shirt open."

"Yes, well, my unnaturally handsome face, perfect hair, and toned pectorals distract from it's unsightliness and generally make everyone blind to my flaws, both physical and behavioral. Hence, if I lose my hair and get fat I will be a hideous mole-monster freak!"

"You really don't have a lot of other positive qualities, I will admit," said The Apprentice. "All of those years in Neverland being exposed to pixie dust probably infused you with a sort of... glamourie effect that makes you appear more attractive than you actually are. The hair loss is simply a sign of returning you to your natural state without Neverland's imagination-based magic to shape you into what you want to look like. I'm afraid attempting to use magical means to forestall the inevitable will only lead to more unfortunate prices later on, Captain."

"Shut up! I am naturally good looking!"

"And the Arendelle lineages?" asked Emma, curious. "I mean, I do look a bit like Helga, if you squint and cross your eyes."

"I don't have a book on those, but that doesn't mean Hook didn't shag some snowy wench who married into the family, or maybe someone," she threw a look at the Sorcerer, "handled adoptions for unwanted pregnancies like Rumple on the other side of the ocean."

"I plead the fifth, dearie," said the old man.

"Can I hit him?" asked Hook.

"Maybe later," sighed Emma and the wizard just harumphed.

"So... back to the mirror cave...," said Elsa.

"I just learned that Hook is my grandfather and you want to get back to the mirror cave!?" Snow finally squawked. "Emma, why didn't you say anything!?"

"Oh, I don't know, why didn't you tell me about having this weird old wizard cast a horribly selfish spell on me when I was the size of a lima bean?" Emma snapped in return. "Because I knew you would freak out. And because it's embarrassing and humiliating and disgusting to be related to him and to have been sexually attracted to him. It's just all kinds of gross. It's... it's worse than if someone made a puppy monkey baby monster! And can we focus on the mortal peril thing and get back to our fucked up family drama shit later?"

"Considering this crazy bitch is your foster mother, I think we're already deep in it," said Regina. "But it's nice to know I have an additional reason not to trust you."

"Yeah, well if I have Hook's DNA," smirked Emma, "so does Henry."

"I'M RELATED TO HOOK!?" Henry shouted, horrified, as he was being locked in City Hall. He'd been left out of the adult's only meeting at the Library as usual.

"I'm sorry, Kid," sighed Emma, "but yes."

"It's an abhorrent revelation, but I still love you, Henry," said Regina. "You are related to Rumplestiltskin, after all, and Peter Pan, and Emma, and Neal, and Snow White and Prince Not-So-Charming and I didn't disown you after discovering all of that."

"Oh my God," groaned Henry, dropping his head in his hands. "I'm hereditarily doomed! Add in my upbringing raised by the Evil Queen and I'll probably go full-on evil!"

"That's not nice," huffed Regina.

"I mean, I thought I just had a little bit of evil DNA, but this changes everything!" Henry continued. "I mean, statistically, I'm now way more likely to go full-on evil. And I'm good math which means even if I don't have magic I could totally go like doomsday weapon James Bond villain evil!"

"Henry, that won't happen," Emma tried to reassure him, but he glared.

"Do I need to list all of the selfish, asshole things the people in this family have done? Between my genes and my upbringing, I am going to be in therapy until I'm old to keep from torturing small animals and wanting to screw my mom!"

Regina and Emma exchanged a concerned look and Regina prompted, "You don't actually want to-"

"NO! GROSS!"

"So the wine and chocolate basket...?"

"It was Belle's idea. You were moping around the house for days, so I asked her for girl-related-romance advice. She said that's what people do in chick flicks."

"Oh, thank God," groaned Regina. "That's half the reason I agreed with Emma to send you back to therapy!"

"OH MY GOD! YOU ARE SO GROSS, MOM!" Henry cried and ran off, locking himself in the Mayor's Office.

"Well, at least he'll stay in their moping and thinking we're gross," mused Emma.

"You married your great grandfather. I killed my father and named Henry him," pointed out Regina. "We are a bit 'gross'."

"You also slept with the man whose wife you killed."

"You mated with the Dark One's loser son."

"Neal is not a loser! He's survived three different worlds and used math and science and capturing Pan's Shadow to get out of Neverland."

"Fine, he's mathematically gifted. Maybe. But Pan let him leave. Stop trying to imbue your ex-boyfriend with qualities he doesn't have. It's rather liberating to see fate's intended love interests for the doofuses they are."

"Things still not going well with Robin, huh?"

Regina sighed. "I haven't seen him in weeks. We had a fight before the Book mess and he hasn't talked to me since. Also, he's been eating a lot of ice cream. I can't deal with a man who uses junk food as a coping mechanism."

"Tell me about it."

"Well, maybe if we don't manage to stop this spell," mused Regina, "those two bearded buffoons will off each other."

"We could be so lucky," sighed Emma, shaking her head.

Meanwhile, back at the ice cave which Ingrid had decorated like the Fortress of Solitude as an homage to her love of General Zodd - Ingrid watched a lot of movies with no job or friends in winter in Minnesota and a decade of nothing to do in Storybrooke - the Snow Queen was ignoring the fact that her toes had started to turn black from frost bite and making faces in her mirror, because her parents always said 'it would stick that way'.

It didn't.

But she was going to 'stick it to' the people of Storybrooke.

With her magical yellow ribbons in hand - the idiots hadn't even thought to look for them while Rumplestiltskin was unconscious - Ingrid began casting the insidious "Curse of Shattered Sight".

AN: The mole thing was inspired by something...

Next up: The battle royale begins! Who will drop the most destructive truth bombs? Who will fight dirtiest?