Kate left Jack alone in the lounge and quickly wiped the tears from her face. She felt like she had been torn awake from a dream. Jack's revelation jarred her to her core and she was finally able to see what she had been doing the past four years … sleepwalking while believing that one day they could be together. And the more she thought about it, the more absurd it seemed. What possibly could have given her that false hope, but her deluded fantasy. She was the one that left him, without even the courage to look him in the face first.
A steady stream of new tears began to flow and her shoulders jerked spasmodically.
Calm down, Kate said to her frantic heart. There is NO way you can allow anyone to see you emotional again.
Kate knew she needed to pull herself together quickly. After all, there was that 'small' pressing issue of her career - for god's sake.
She had managed to, more or less, resuscitate her image over the past couple of days, but for anyone to see her like this again … it was way too soon.
She went into a vacant bathroom and locked the door. She paced around the small space and took deep breaths. She chewed on the inside of her cheek and grabbed a tissue to blow her nose. Kate squeezed her eyes shut and placed her arms across her chest.
She commanded herself to focus on everything she managed to overcome and achieve in her life: the loss of her mother and brother, graduation from a top medical school, residency in a top neurosurgery program… she could … she had to make it through today.
It then occurred to her that she may have been talking aloud, even though she thought she'd been thinking quietly to herself. And that made her release a harsh laugh and give a shake of her head.
Yes, all she had to do was make it through the day and then … then she could go home and cry her eyes out.
Rolling her shoulders like a welterweight fighter about to enter a boxing ring, she took a few jagged huffs of breath and reached for the door handle….
With every ounce of self restraint Kate possessed in her little body, she managed to will herself through the 16 hour shift without interruption. Her disciplined, methodical side won over and helped her pull off a feat that she didn't think she was capable of. But it didn't stop the watershed from flowing the second she entered her apartment that evening. She cried for hours and felt an emptiness that was almost indescribable.
Without fully realizing it, she began to mourn Jack, truly mourn him. Even though more than four years have passed, she had never let him go. But, she now needed to face the brutal fact that he had let her go. The little flicker of hope in her heart that she held for them was now extinguished.
Kate reluctantly reached around to the back of her neck and unclasped the charm that represented her secret hope - that final tether to him. She placed a tiny kiss on it before settling it on her coffee table. She sat on her sofa with shoulders hunched, sobbed and tried to release some of the unbearable pain of her shattered heart. She sat there for a long while finding herself an unwilling audience to this sad documentary, otherwise known as her life.
The next morning Kate found herself curled up in the sheets of her bed. She groggily looked at the time and it read 9:30 a.m. She had slept in and was relieved that she wasn't on call until the evening. She lay in bed for a minute or two, trying to collect her thoughts and once she did, she regretted it immediately. Kate dragged herself off the soft mattress so she could begin the her daily routine.
It was a typical hot summer NYC day, she wore sunglasses (to hide her swollen eyes), a green t-shirt, khaki shorts and flip-flops. Kate was completely absorbed in her own thoughts and as usual she never noticed the sideward glances men would throw in her direction. Kate was on her way to buy a cup of coffee and newspaper when she stopped in her tracks to look into the storefront, she paused before pulling the handle.
She looked at the stylist as she plunked herself into the hairdresser's chair.
"Cut it all off."
When it was done, Kate looked in the mirror and approved. She barely recognized herself in the sleek chin length haircut … she had achieved her objective.
Kate approached the modern high-rise that housed residents and other hospital staff. It was a nice building and although the units were simple and very utilitarian, it was still one of the nicer apartments she lived in since moving to New York. On more than one occasion, she had chuckled thinking about the dingy walk-up apartment she shared with Juliet and Sawyer back during their days in school.
Her coffee was still too hot, it almost burned her tongue, but Kate sipped it anyway, almost enjoying the scalding sensation that seemed to tear at the thin layer of sensitive skin. While sipping her hot beverage, she walked to the elevator and felt someone approach her from behind. She turned to find Juliet.
Nearly dropping the paper bag that held bagels, Juliet exclaimed, "Kate? Oh my gosh, I didn't even recognize you! You cut all your hair off. I ... I can't believe it." Juliet's eyes then flicked over Kate's shorn head for added measure.
Kate absentmindedly touched the back of her neck and felt the strange sensation of it being so bare. "Yeah, crazy, I know. I can't believe I did it. It was a total impulse."
Juliet studied Kate's face and could see how red-rimmed and puffy her eyes were, "Are you okay, Kate?"
"Yeah, just tired, that's all."
Seeing right through Kate's facade, Juliet asked, "No… that's not all. You finally spoke to Jack didn't you?"
The sound of his name was too much. Tears came into her eyes … again - for the thousandth time, it seemed. "He's with someone else now. It's over."
Juliet drew her into a deep embrace, "I'm so sorry, sweetie. Everything is going to be okay. You're going to get through this. You are one of the strongest people I know."
After they separated, Kate gave a few short nods and wiped the errant tear that escaped from the corner of her eye, "I know."
They rode up the elevator together in silence. Juliet could tell she didn't want to talk about Jack, so she decided to give her some space. When Juliet reached her floor, she turned to face Kate.
"If you want to talk, just let me know." Juliet said as she threw her one last sad fleeting look before leaving the elevator.
Kate's shift went without any complications, she had worked non-stop throughout the night. That meant, she studied the patients' charts and wouldn't put them down until she felt that they were nearly memorized, she wrote 40 floor notes, she rounded the ICU and more.
She looked at her watch, it was 4:00 am. A nurse in mauve colored scrubs approached her, she was a veteran and knew the hospital inside and out, "Dr. Austen, I got everything covered here, why don't you head to the lounge and try to a take a short nap? You've been on your feet since you arrived at 6:00 pm."
Kate smiled, "You should take some of your own advice Rose. I noticed that you haven't taken a break either. Why are you working the evening shift tonight? I thought you said you work days only."
Rose replied, "Yeah, one of the younger girls is out sick and I was the only one that they could sucker in here on a Saturday night. But don't go and think that you're changing the subject, go take a nap Dr. Austen." Kate gave her a feigned look of defeat as she chuckled and headed off. She looked at her watch again, maybe a nap would be a good idea.
Kate's empty heart drove her to work around the clock. Even when she wasn't on call, she could still be found in the hospital or in the library pouring over files and typing notes into her laptop. She took advantage of every lecture and observed as many surgeries as she could.
And it had only been about two weeks since she spoke to Jack. But she was grateful that they were somehow managing to avoid each other. The rawness in her chest was too fresh and she knew that just hearing the slightest inflection in his voice could have the power to turn her into an emotional puddle.
On three occasions she saw him from a distance and immediately she would do an about-face before he had a chance to see her. Kate avoided the neurosurgery department at all costs and was relieved to be in the general surgery rotation … for now. But her evasion tactics would only be able to work for so long, everything would change in less than six months. She still didn't know whether she would be capable of working alongside him. The thought of seeing a wedding band on his left ring finger without its match wrapped on her own made her feel ill and desperate.
But as luck would have it, she couldn't avoid him forever - the hospital was only so large.
Kate was alone in the elevator when he stepped in. He had to do a double-take, like he almost didn't recognize her with her short hair. Well, not really, he would always be able to spot Kate - even a mile away.
"Hey."
Pained by his nearness, Kate looked down at her sneakers and answered, "Hey."
Jack stared at her and couldn't stop himself from commenting, "You cut your hair." His voice was quiet, but held a note or hint of wistfulness.
Kate slowly lifted her eyes to look into his. In a small, tight voice she answered, "Yeah … just needed a... change."
Kate had almost forgotten about her haircut - all the hours she spent working made it feel like ages had passed since she got it.
He nodded, rubbing the back of his head, doing his best to not to stare at her too much - trying so hard to not notice that she managed to make wearing something like scrubs look so damn hot and sexy.
The elevator door opened and he moved to step out. Just as he was outside of it, he abruptly turned around and pushed the button to keep the doors from shutting. His gesture appearing as if he just remembered something dire or important to say.
Kate lifted her eyebrow in curious anticipation.
Recognizing all too well that look of hers, he was instantly reminded of the cute little catches in her breath that would invariably accompany that expression. Jack then slipped a warm smile, "I like it. Your hair. You look beaut- ... you look very pretty, Kate."
She found herself staring after him as he walked away. And she could have sworn that she may have worn the slightest of grins. Jack was the only person to compliment her on the new hairstyle. Everyone else would just ask her why she cut her hair or not mention it all. Sawyer was the most vocal in his objection and Juliet had to give him a quick swipe on the arm to make him shut up.
Christian was in Manhattan for a convention and, as he usually did, he visited fellow colleagues. His earlier meeting concluded early and he decided to stop by Jack's hospital to have a word with Dr. McAdams before meeting his son for a quick lunch in the cafeteria.
He had entered the surgery wing when he spotted her. He considered just continuing towards the office, but another idea crept into his head. She was engaged in a conversation with a senior staff member, but that didn't dissuade him from approaching them.
Kate was with Dr. Stevens discussing a patient that would be undergoing gallbladder surgery the next morning. He reviewed the protocol and the steps that she needed to complete before then. He would be performing the surgery and she was expected to assist. Kate listened carefully and did her best to fully absorb his instructions.
Christian approached the pair, exuding authority and command even in a hospital he technically held no position in, he discreetly looked at Dr. Stevens' lab coat to find his name tag, "Excuse me Dr. Stevens, my name is Dr. Christian Shephard and I was wondering if you would mind me interrupting you to have a word with Dr. Austen."
Christian had a charming way about him, which was further enabled by the fact that any surgeon worth two licks would know who Christian Shephard was. Dr. Stevens was polite and deferential, if also a little curious as to what a surgeon of his caliber needed to discuss with an intern.
"Of course, Dr. Shephard, it is a pleasure to finally be able to meet you."
Kate felt her knees wobble a bit as she observed both men exchange some niceties that she was too distracted to pay any real attention to. Kate tried to mask the surprised look in her eyes, it had been years since they had spoken or saw each other and the last time wasn't very pleasant either. She nervously played with her hands and made a conscious effort to tuck them into her lab coat pockets, so she wouldn't appear so fidgety.
Once Dr. Stevens walked off, Christian turned his attention to her.
He gave her an outwardly warm smile, but Kate could tell that there was more to this.
"Hello Kate, what a pleasure to bump into you."
With a strained smile, Kate responded, "Hello Dr. Shephard."
"Kate, you know that after all these years, you are free to call me Dr. Littleton." He smiled, waving off her formality while regarding her with a kind of intimate amusement.
His eyes brightened at his own gesture to lessen her obvious discomfort by recalling their first meeting. He almost made it seem as if they had their own shared inside joke.
Kate released a forced laugh, not necessarily because she found it humorous, but because his attempt at familiarity with her fell flat.
"Kidding aside, Kate, please me call me Christian."
Kate nodded, there was no point in pushing the issue.
He motioned for her to walk with him, "Well, it looks like I freed you up for a little while, so why don't you lead me to the cafeteria so I can treat you to a cup of coffee and we can catch up."
Kate shrugged her shoulders, this man is delusional she thought - what one earth would they need to 'catch up' on? They walked together mostly in silence, theirs was a strange dynamic and at that moment Kate felt as if she were a child being marched to the principal's office for discipline.
After he paid for their coffees, he led them to an empty table in a more secluded part of the cafeteria. He pulled out the chair for her to sit in, a gentlemanly gesture that Kate did not overlook. Once he sat down across from her he leaned back in his chair and just looked at her.
She was very beautiful, he observed. There was no doubt why his son had fallen so hard for her. He recalled her being very lovely, but she was so young then and as a school friend of his daughter- he hadn't fully recognized what made her so desirous to his son. But she was a young woman now and she carried herself in a subtle manner that could be described as rather sexual. If he was his son's age now, would he resist her? No, he certainly couldn't- her looks, intelligence and professional achievements are exactly what would have made a younger version of himself pursue her. And he had a daughter as proof of his weakness.
He was the first to break the uncomfortable silence.
"It's a small world, isn't it Kate?"
Kate raised her eyes in question, but she knew what he meant.
"You and Jack now working in the same hospital and, if I understand correctly, you will be starting the neurosurgery rotation in January. Do I deserve any credit for inspiring you to pursue the same specialty."
Kate understood the last sentence to be a joke, but she resented the fact that he always seemed to make everything about himself.
Kate muttered, "Yeah, but I wouldn't assume it to be a signal of flattery." She did her best to make her eyes look pale and bored.
He raised his brow quizzically, he didn't understand what she meant, nor did he care to explore her meaning any further either, he really wasn't interested.
He narrowed his eyes, "Don't you think it will be awkward in a few months when you will have to work alongside Jack for countless hours?"
Kate put forth her best poker face and sat silently waiting for him to continue.
Christian added nonchalantly, "I have a lot of connections, Kate. And I'm confident that I can find you a neurosurgery placement at another hospital -"
Kate sat up straight in her seat, "Is this what this is about? Well, you can forget about it, Christian. And you know as well as I do that this hospital has the best neurosurgery program on the east coast, otherwise Jack wouldn't be here. Christian, you have no right to make me feel like I'm an interloper. I worked very hard for this placement and I'm not going anywhere. I already sacrificed my happiness once and I did it for you - and Jack. I'm not about to do that again. You will just have to use your 'connections' and find a suitable placement for him elsewhere."
Kate wanted to get straight to the point, so she added "I know Jack is engaged and I have no intention of being a home wrecker, so you have nothing to worry about. Jack is an honorable man. You really should have more faith in him-"
"I have more than you can possibly imagine, but I have no faith in him when he is around you."
Kate was aghast as she jerked her head back, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means that my son, my 'level-headed' son seems to lose all sense of what is right and wrong, what is practical, what is BEST for him when you're near him."
Kate rested her elbows on the table as she leaned in to him and hissed, "It wasn't like that. You make it sound so... so sordid between us, as if I seduced him and it was all about sex -"
Christian leaned towards her as well and pressed his index finger into the table, "I place all responsibility of what happened between the two of you on my son. You were a young impressionable girl and he had no business playing grown-up games with you then. He took advantage of his position and let his, uhm... " Christian paused searching for the least crude way to say it. "Jack allowed his romantic notions lead him astray, it was the biggest mistake he ever made. I'm just grateful that nothing irreversible came out of it."
Kate winced and could barely contain herself. It took a moment before she could answer, "Mistake? Do I have to remind you that we were together for FOUR years and it would have been longer if it hadn't been for you -"
"And that would have been a mistake as well. So what then? Should he have come to New York, married you, gotten you pregnant? You may never have completed med school and my son would end up being some internist or the like so he could make sure to be home to help you change the diapers. Be realistic, Kate."
It was bad enough that Kate had to endure that talk of professional elitism amongst her peers, but to hear Christian bring it up in this context was insulting, "Christian, even so, would that really have been the worst thing in the world? We were so happy-"
"Yes Kate. For my son it would have been. He would always have to live with that personal failure of never accomplishing the most he was capable of."
Kate rolled her eyes and smirked, "And I suppose that, now, without me he can accomplish those lofty aspirations?"
Christian answered matter-of-factly, "Yes, Sarah is a much better partner for him in that respect and will support his career in a way that you never would. He is rational and focused now - "
Kate sucked in a deep breath as she heard her name for the first time, "Have you always felt that I wasn't good enough for him? What is it about me that you never liked?"
"No Kate, that is not what I'm saying. It's true, you and Sarah can't be compared, but not for the reasons that you think. Jack's career and yours would always compete and you would be in constant conflict with each other, there would be no balance, no home life - all the things I know that Jack wants. You are lovely in every way. Believe me when I tell you that you are one of a kind and special, any man would be lucky to have you, but that man is not Jack. Do you understand?"
Kate struggled to process Christian's words and she couldn't believe the audacity of this man to discuss her and Jack this way, so flippantly. What right did he have to judge them and determine what was best for Jack? Especially, considering that it was Christian and his controlling ways that pushed Jack to become a teacher in the first place. Didn't the man have any sense of introspection? Or did he simply scapegoat others for Jack's failings and errors, instead of blaming himself and the tumultuous relationship he created with his son.
Christian was able to read the small look of disgust on Kate's face before he finally let out what he most wanted to say, "And let me remind you Kate, that you didn't put up too much resistance when I suggested you allow Jack to stay in Los Angeles for his residency. I also don't recall you making it too difficult for him to stay. You didn't try to make it work. You could have attended medical school at UCLA. You broke his heart and not once did you reach out to him. I was the one that had to pick up the shattered pieces, Kate. Personally, I think that you knew then that the two of you were not a good idea."
His cutting words sliced her. Leaving an imaginary wound that she subconsciously covered with her right hand over her abdomen. Reeling from the damage, Kate jumped up from her seat and he slowly followed. She stammered, "Christian, I think we're finished here. Thanks for the coffee."
Her eyes were beginning to well and she did her best to put up a strong front.
Christian sighed and offered a sad smile. He wasn't a heartless man and he saw that his words caused her significant pain. He reached his hand out and gently placed it on her shoulder. Kate was too numb to react, so she just let him. He approached her and gave her a small hug and peck on her left cheek while she just stood there feeling small and helpless.
At that moment, an uncharacteristic wave of guilt overcame him. Christian knew he'd finally gone too far in trying to carve out Jack's path. Kate certainly didn't deserve this and he vowed to himself to stay out of this mess from this moment forward and to let his son work through this on his own. No matter how disastrous he knew it would surely turn out.
With a hint of warmth, he added, "Good luck Kate and if you turn out to be as good a neurosurgeon as I believe you will, I'm sure I'll see you in the not too distant future."
Kate nodded and before she turned to leave, she offered meekly, "Goodbye Christian."
Kate worked mercilessly, she almost didn't realize that she was already in her fourth month of her residency. The days blurred into weeks and before she knew it, it was October.
Fall was always her favorite season and now that it was here she didn't even care, the entire summer passed her by and not once did she partake in any social activity or anything that could be remotely described as fun. She worked tirelessly, she needed to work otherwise her thoughts would always turn to him and the overwhelming feeling of hurt would return.
She had found out through the nurses that Jack was supposed to get married the next fall and that thought alone made her stomach churn. She felt like her imaginary future had been wiped out and she was now left adrift and floating, only to be disturbed by a cold undertow of pain.
Her countless hours at the hospital had also given her the opportunity to overhear gossip and idle chatter from which she also discovered that a number of the female staff, young and old, had a crush on him. She couldn't quite blame them, could she? Most of the staff were already aware of her romantic history with Jack - Kate's first day antics had made waves pretty quickly.
As for other men, Kate wore blinders. She didn't notice anyone else and her pretty looks drew the attention of a few men in her intern class, but her aloofness and unwavering work ethic made her intimidating - they didn't know what to make of her.
During these past few months, Kate had retreated into herself. She had barely socialized with Juliet and Sawyer, but the truth is, it was painful to be around them sometimes. They were so happy, content and established, she envied Juliet and she hated feeling jealous and resentful of her dearest friend.
It was easier to just work and focus on the hospital. But Kate's grueling schedule and broken heart took its toll on her physically, she had begun to lose all sense of her appetite. She barely slept and subsisted on coffee, tea and would grab a piece of fruit or a power bar if there was time. On more than one occasion, Juliet had commented on her weight loss and Kate could see in her eyes that she was worried.
Kate would layer some long sleeve shirts under her scrubs in order to conceal how painfully thin she had become. Kate hadn't weighed herself, but she figured that she must have lost fifteen or twenty pounds based on the fit of her clothing.
Sam would nearly cry when he visited her, always urging her to slow down and not work so hard, but he knew his very stubborn daughter would likely not listen.
Kate saw Jack around the hospital, they would share an awkward smile and exchange a few polite words. It pained Kate beyond imagination that the relationship they once had was now reduced to this. Her heart would still jump every time she saw his handsome face, she still fantasized about him and yearned to feel his body against hers, the way his fingers could always expertly handle her. The sensual feel of a masculine embrace was something she'd all but forgotten.
These thoughts would usually stir up a bitter laugh, she knew she looked awful lately and she couldn't have made herself appear anything further from enticing as she did now. There was no way Jack could still be attracted to her.
She had made herself invisible and for now that is how she needed to be. There were days she felt as if she was living in her own private and maddening hell. He was so close, but forever out of reach.
It was late when Jack walked into the empty lounge, he almost didn't see the tiny bundle curled on the cot at the far end of the room.
"Hey Kate."
She didn't move, so he walked over to her. There was an empty seat nearby and he sat on it. He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned towards her. He noticed the high stack of files with her laptop on the table beside her. He also saw the 2 half-empty bottles of diet coke, 3 empty coffee cups and banana peel. He returned his studied gaze to her and looked at her sleeping form.
His brows furrowed and shook his head. He didn't appreciate her appearance at all. She was so pale, her lips had no color to them, he could see the dark shadows under her eyes. And she looked tiny ... too tiny, her little body was lost in her blue surgical scrubs. It looked like she had two or three long-sleeved thermal shirts on underneath the scrubs top.
He observed that she was wearing the same men's stainless steel chronograph watch she had worn when they were together, except now it looked like it was resting on the wrist of a child.
He had seen her a few times and noticed recently that she looked thin and exhausted, but the image before him now was beyond worrisome.
Her hair had grown a bit, but had lost the depth and shine that it once held. Ethan had mentioned to him that he had never seen a person work as hard as Kate and her level of dedication was unprecedented.
She was pushing herself too hard, Jack thought. He had been in this position himself, intentionally drowning himself in his work. She would burn out soon at this rate or something worse. He felt a chill run down his spine, he would try to talk to her and convince her to take it easy.
He stared at her for awhile, enjoying the intimacy of being this close to her - missing it more than he should. And, god help him, he wanted more than this. If he could, he would sit here all night, but he had to reluctantly pull himself out of his trance, he didn't want her or anyone else for that matter to catch him staring at her.
He stood up and saw her blanket rolled up by her feet. He gently pulled it out from under her and placed it on top. Unable to resist (it has been so, so long), he moved his hand to her cheek and gently rubbed his thumb across her cheekbone. Her skin felt cool to his touch, too cool. She didn't even stir, she must have been exhausted.
"You need to take better care of yourself, Kate." He whispered.
He turned around and quickly walked out, resolute to talk to her soon.
A/N: Ahhh, a little bit of a jump in time. We need to get them working together soon, don't we?
So, once again ... A HUGE thank you for the tremendous support and keeping this story going. You're reviews are so appreciated, please keep them coming. Also, a special shout-out to the readers like GAB and georgia77 who have left reviews despite feeling that their written English is not very good. Your comments are very appreciated by me - truly.
I will try to have an update to TTR by this weekend.
I look forward to reading your thoughts. And the next chapter has way more Jack and Kate interaction, so the sooner I hear from you the sooner I will try to get it finished. Feedback and participation on your end is crucial, I will not keep writing this story if I get the sense that you have lost interest.