Jack was on his way to take a coffee break when he spotted her. He quickly looked down and off to the side, feeling a little ashamed, he had made a mental note to speak to Kate after the last time he saw her. She had been sleeping in the lounge and he couldn't recall how long ago that was - maybe a week? His days were filled with 12 hour surgeries and he had become distracted. Still, he knew that wasn't the real excuse.
The day he saw her in the elevator with her new haircut, he had immediately noticed that she wasn't wearing the necklace and each time he'd seen her after that, she didn't have it on either. That stung and he couldn't rationalize why. During the past few years, he'd assumed she had moved on, but when he saw his gift that he knew she loved still hanging around her neck on her first day of residency, it made him question everything he had presumed about her feelings for him. And the fact that she now no longer wore it had to symbolize something. That first week, when Kate had approached him, she made it seem like she regretted that their relationship had ended ... or was she simply sorry for hurting him. He had been so distraught and overwhelmed with emotions at the time, he was now uncertain as to what exactly she meant. He shook his head, he spent way too much time thinking about her and analyzing every interaction they shared.
Jack knew he should be focusing more attention on Sarah and their upcoming wedding plans, he wanted to - but he wasn't. How did that stand a chance against the beautiful girl he saw down the corridor?
He noticed her awkward stance, she was leaning against the wall, her arm extended as if she was bracing or trying to balance herself. Kate's head was tilted downward and her face was obscured by her arm. She seemed short of breath - judging from the shallow rise and dips of her chest.
He began to approach her, "Hey. You okay, Kate?"
Startled, Kate jerked her head up and looked over her shoulder at the direction of his voice.
In a slightly raspy voice, she answered "Yeah, I'm great. I'm just a little ... dehydrated, that's all." She then threw him a small and sad looking smile.
He carefully took in her appearance and it was not good, she looked terrible, worse than he initially thought. Her eyes that once sparkled looked sunken and flat. How did he manage to overlook her eroding appearance for the past few months? He now really felt guilty for not speaking up sooner. He had allowed his conflicted emotions and deep feelings blind him. He spent so much time suppressing his longing by avoiding her, he managed to fail to see what was happening before his own eyes.
With an obvious expression of concern, he told her, "You don't look okay to me Kate, you look terrible."
Kate shot him a dirty glare and unconsciously ran her fingers through her hair, "Well thanks, Jack. That's just what a girl likes to hear." She turned in the opposite direction and continued tentatively down the hallway.
Jack shook his head in frustration as he followed her, he knew that came out all wrong. "Kate, come on, that's not what I meant. You just look really tired and like you haven't eaten in days."
Kate didn't bother to stop or face him, she just raised her arm in a dismissive gesture, and dourly told him "You're 0 for 2 Shephard, any other compliments you want to throw my way today?"
She then added, "Don't you have a spine to fix? Bye, Jack. "
He ignored her punchiness, it was clear she was irritable, exhausted and just not herself. He was definitely going to have THAT conversation now.
"Kate … wait up. I want to talk you." And then that is when he saw her awkwardly veer off to her right, looking as if she was about to lose her balance.
Something flickered in front of her eyes and her surroundings got black around the edges. She tried to grab onto a nearby gurney, but instead she half toppled on it. Jack ran up to catch her before she crumpled to the floor. Within a second he was kneeling and cradling her head and shoulders.
"Kate ... Kate, do you hear me?" But instead of answering, her head just lolled to the side. He frantically looked around to see if there was anyone nearby to assist, but it was only the two of them. He quickly reached his arms under the back of her knees and beneath her head. He barely used any strength in lifting and carrying her to an adjacent empty room. He laid her on the examination table and placed his ear against her chest to make sure she was still breathing. His face relaxed a little when he found her pulse. He cupped the back of her head and moved his face close to hers.
"Kate, wake up. Wake up. Please. Can you hear me, baby?" She lied motionless and, shamefully, he felt a slight sense of relief that she was unconscious and didn't hear him slip out that last part - a name that he used during their most intimate moments, a word he never used since, until now.
Although he was accustomed to more serious medical emergencies, but this was different ... it was Kate. He was worried and … maybe even slightly panicked.
He stroked the side of her face, pushing back the loose tendrils that covered her right cheek. He let out a deep relaxed sigh when her saw her eyelids flutter and then finally open. She moaned and looked around, disoriented, trying to gage where she was. She grabbed onto his hand and forearm as she attempted to pull herself up. But he motioned for her stay down.
She lifted her chin and began looking into a pair of concerned brown eyes. She licked her upper lip and in a low voice asked, "What happened?"
Jack rubbed her shoulder and arm, "Shhhhhhh, Kate just relax. You fainted."
Kate's eyes widened in question, "What? No way. How long was I out for?"
Jack gave her a smile, "A minute ... more or less."
She lifted her hand to the back of her head and rubbed it lightly. In embarrassment, she put her head down and murmured, "Jeez, I'm so sorry-"
"Kate, you have nothing to apologize to me for. Just sit and wait a few minutes."
Kate nodded and watched Jack while he looked in a cabinet and came back with a blanket. He rolled it up and placed it under her head.
He sat on the edge of the exam table with his arms folded across his chest and watched her. They were like that for a while until he could sense her discomfort and restlessness.
She began to shift and Jack helped ease her up.
"Kate, when was the last time you ate or slept, for that matter?"
Kate was getting annoyed by his line of questioning and rolled her eyes at him, "Not that it is any of your business, but I ate a few hours ago. Jack, I really appreciate you helping me out here - but I have to finish my rounds. Thanks again." She impatiently moved her legs and prepared to get off the table, until she felt Jack's hand press down on her wrist.
Jack looked at her incredulously, "Kate, you just fainted. You're not going back to work. You're NOT." He saw that her eyes began to darken, so he decided on a less direct approach. "Listen, I was about to go and grab something to eat and you're coming with me. And you're going to eat and I don't mean a snack, it'll be a real meal."
Kate huffed, "Jack, you don't understand, I have to -"
Jack sensed her trying to talk her way out of this, but he wasn't going to give her any leeway, "Kate, you can forget about going back to work today and if you attempt to, I'll just go to Ethan and tell him that you fainted and I will recommend that he put you on leave. Kate, you're working yourself to the bone and, trust me, you've earned a little time off and certainly enough to have lunch with me."
Kate was ready to curse him out, but when she saw the gentle expression in his eyes and the way they were pleading with her, she realized that she didn't have the resolve to argue with him. She looked hard into his face and nodded yes.
Holding her hand, he eased her from the table, as gently as he could, because she looked so frail. But once he saw that she seemed steady on her feet he gave her an impish smile.
"Do you think that you can walk or should I get a wheelchair?" He tried to make a joke.
She saw the smirk on his face. "Shut up, Jack."
As they walked towards the cafeteria, Jack could feel her shoulder bump against his arm and he was hit with a wave of sweet nostalgia.
It must have been his sheer old habit in seeking comfort from her, because he was about to place his arm around her waist and draw her closer. But just as his arm inched up, he realized the mistake. Kate wasn't his to hold and the woman whom he should feel these natural urges for, but didn't, was the woman he was going to marry.
Jack ordered a couple of turkey sandwiches on whole grain bread, fruit and water. He carried the tray and let her select the table for them to sit at.
She looked at her plate and grinned, "I thought for sure that you were going to order a double bacon cheeseburger."
"If I didn't think it would likely upset your digestive system, I definitely would have. Maybe next week … after I've managed to help you put on five pounds." He winked at her and she felt the butterflies flutter in her stomach.
"Five pounds, that's pretty ambitious, Jack. That's a lot of turkey sandwiches." She gave him a big smile and he found it encouraging.
He chuckled, "I had them slip in some avocado too. " He motioned to the food on her plate, "But I'm serious, start eating. Doctor's orders!"
"Hey, I'm a doctor too now."
"Indeed, you are Kate."
There was a lull while they chewed their food. Jack was amiably quiet, reaching for his bottle of water without removing his warm gaze off of her.
They were half way through their meal when he lifted his chin in her direction, "So, are you going to tell me what you're doing, Kate? What are you trying to prove to yourself? And don't give me some answer like you don't understand what I'm talking about. You're not eating, not sleeping and are working way too long hours."
Kate didn't respond, she cast her eyes downward and poked at her sandwich.
"Kate, I'm not judging you. I understand how easy it is to get caught up in this job, to make it your sole focus and neglect yourself. I was in your exact shoes my first year. I was focused on working and, let's just say, working alongside my dad wasn't exactly a walk in the park." The last part he said jokingly even though they both knew he was being honest.
She looked at him, waiting for him to continue.
"Well, just like you, I lost lots of weight and I spent nearly every waking hour in the hospital. I barely slept and I was obsessed with fixing everything. I didn't want to think about anything besides medicine-"
Kate gave a confused look before saying, "Jack, I didn't realize that you were going through such a hard time during your first year, when we saw each other, you seemed like you had everything under control …."
That is when she noticed his face drop ever so slightly, he had the saddest expression on his face and she then realized that she may have said something wrong.
Jack corrected her, "Kate, yeah… things changed a lot for me after we … we broke up - I took it very hard. I missed-" His eyebrows raised painfully, followed by a fresh sheen in his eyes and a tight sad smile. He cleared his throat and continued, "Hey ... listen, I don't want to talk about that now, okay?"
A rush of guilt overcame her and Kate was about to open her mouth to say something, but quickly decided that it was best to leave it be - at least for now. So she nodded and returned his look with an equally sad expression. They sat quietly for a few seconds, each of them reading one another's eyes while tacitly acknowledging that they used to be together ... that they had once shared the most intimate details of their lives with one another.
Kate was the first one to talk, "Jack, how were you able to manage it all? How did you find the balance? I can't stop myself from working. I just … can't."
"Actually, it was my dad that took me aside and we had a heart to heart conversation - well, you know what I mean. My dad is not exactly the most sensitive person. He told me that I would burn out and, even worse, I was placing my patients in jeopardy. Being so sleep deprived and not eating properly impairs your judgment, Kate. You need to get some rest and you have to have a life outside of the hospital. Have you even spent any time with your dad or friends, lately?" Jack said as he gave her a reassuring smile.
Kate stared down at her hands, "I don't know how I can explain this, I just… I just feel like the hospital is all I have now."
She looked up at him and he could see the tears glistening in her tired eyes, "That's not true Kate, there are people who love you and care, you need to stop working so hard because you're making yourself sick."
She tilted her head to the side, bit her bottom lip and shook her head quickly to show him that she understood and agreed with his words. And why was she hoping that he was including himself amongst those people?
Kate sighed and then let out a short laugh, "I am tired, Jack. You're right," she said resignedly.
"Well, it's settled then, I'll help you put on some much needed weight. You'll start getting some sleep and rest. We'll meet for lunch tomorrow, provided that we're both free."
Kate thought she should object to his offer because he was engaged to someone else … but she didn't want to. Her selfish side felt entitled to the enjoyment of his company. She was the one that had him first, after all. It was only fair.
They had finished the food some time ago, but neither seemed to find the initiative to leave the cafeteria.
"Your hair. It's grown quite a bit. It's grazing your shoulders -"
"Yeah, my hair grows quickly. I always had to keep getting it trimmed, remember?
"I do." He said with a smile on his face.
Kate bit the inside of her cheek in consternation, "No one liked it. The haircut, I mean."
Jack looked at her thoughtfully and then bit his bottom lip, "I liked it, I still like it. You can pull off almost anything." He paused to consider what he had just said. Was he venturing into blurry territory again? Probably … but how could he not? He spent over eight years of his life loving this woman.
Kate looked over Jack's shoulder to see a familiar form approach them. She grinned and muttered, "Speaking of someone who hated my hairdo …."
Jack followed her gaze to see a tall man lumber confidently towards them. Jack recognized him as the one of the new pediatric interns that was on call when he went to do a post-op on his 14 year-old patient.
"Freckles."
Kate rolled her eyes and shot him a look of admonishment, which Sawyer and Jack caught, unfortunately it was too late. Jack looked at Kate curiously, the sound of Kate's nickname unsettling him slightly. Jack didn't like the intimacy it implied, nor was he ever the sort to use or create labels for others, it just wasn't his style. Already, Jack wasn't sure what to make of this man.
"Oooops, my bad. I mean Dr. Austen." Sawyer drawled, using his southern lilt. But Kate noticed that for some inexplicable reason he seemed to be laying it on a little thick. Was this for his own amusement? Or her's and Jack's?
"Hello Dr. Ford." Kate stiffened her jaw, trying hard to not laugh or slap him. Months later, she still couldn't get used the sight of him in a lab coat and scrubs. His flirty (and overly suggestive) ways, nickname calling and all around sarcasm made him the least likely candidate to be a pediatrician. But the kids loved him. He was never patronizing towards them or gushy. He always cracked one-liners with his little patients and he had a way of developing a rapport with them that was unexpected to say the least. Perhaps it was because he was attentive, yet slightly distant with affection, but hilariously funny that just made the kids ask for him.
Kate supposed that it was his brutal childhood that made him gravitate to this specialty. Perhaps he was trying to repair a bit of his traumatized inner child when helping his patients. And she knew that Sawyer would never admit it, but he adored his patients, from the newborns that Juliet helped deliver to the moody seventeen year-olds that had to always give him crap.
But Sawyer was more interested in finally making the acquaintance of Jack. He had been itching to for months, but the opportunity never arose and not to mention that Kate warned him to stay away.
"Jack, this is Dr. James Ford. James, this is Dr. Jack Shephard." The introduction came out a little awkward.
Jack stood up to shake his hand, but the one thing Sawyer noticed was the doctor's stance. Jack appeared a bit territorial and protective. It was so subtle that most people would never catch on … it was a guy thing. But Sawyer detected it and found it interesting that a man that was engaged to someone else should get a little jealous and huffy over a woman who is not his fiancee. Sawyer then concocted a quick mental strategy, figuring Jack's apparent jealousy was probably a good thing for Kate.
"Nice to meet you Dr. Shephard, your reputation is well regarded here. It's a pleasure to meet you."
Kate had to admit that Sawyer was good - his ability to shift from his southern folksy attitude to a formal physician persona in a second. Kate turned to Jack, "Dr. Ford and I graduated together from Columbia -"
Jack shifted his chair in a gesture that invited Sawyer to join them, but Sawyer thought it was best to leave the two alone, although he would have loved to make Freckles squirm a little.
Sawyer looked at Jack, "I'm sorry, but I have to run. Perhaps another time." He then turned to Kate, "You and I still on for tonight?" He made his voice sound a little suggestive. He was referring to their regular poker night with Juliet, but he figured Jack didn't need to know that.
"Yeah, do I need to bring anything?"
"Nah. Just yourself." He made sure to annunciate the "yourself."
Sawyer then gave her that licentious look of his, the one he uses when he's trying to coax Juliet into bed. The one Kate was inadvertently forced to bear witness to for years. Her eyebrow shot up in a way that asked: What the fuck are you doing?
Kate shook her head, "I'll see you later Sawyer." Her glare and tone clearly indicating for him to get the hell out of there.
Jack looked at Kate. She has a nickname for him too?
Sawyer waved goodbye and he hoped that Freckles was smart enough to not elaborate on the real nature of their friendship. It was better that Jack feel the heat of some fire under his ass.
Kate turned her attention back to Jack, "Sorry about that. What were we discussing before?"
Jack felt a tightness in his chest and abdomen, that familiar feeling when it came to Kate and other men. He was engaged, who was he to get jealous over another man in Kate's life?
He didn't want to think about it, but he knew the light and easy conversation they had just shared was over.
Jack refused to think about it - about Kate and James … or, rather, Sawyer.
Kate watched a more serious expression capture Jack's face and she wondered what he was about to say.
After debating for a second, Jack decided he was going to ask. Even knowing full well that it may not be answered in the way he wanted it to.
"Kate?"
She gave that look, the one where her eyes would bore into his, her attention laser focused on him because she could tell that he is about to say something real.
"Yes."
He took a deep breath, "Your first day here, do you remember?" He knew that she would understand what he meant. And, of course, he knew she remembered her first day.
Kate nodded while trying to stop the streak of humiliation and pain from running up her spine.
Jack continued, "I … I noticed that you were wearing the locket I gave you. But you haven't since. Why's that?"
The corner of Kate's lip twitched and a glowing heat crept up her neck. She blinked back a tear and then finally exhaled. "I had worn it every day since you gave it to me." Kate paused, trying to find the right words. "I guess … I guess I decided to stop holding onto something that makes me sad."
Their eyes held and cradled each other's at that moment, both realizing that neither one of them was talking about the necklace anymore.
Jack's pager went off and he watched Kate immediately stand up.
She wore an awkward smile that was twisted with melancholy and discomfort, "Go ahead. I'll see you at lunch tomorrow, okay?"
Jack was sitting on his sofa, his half empty bottle of beer resting properly on a coaster in front of him. It was almost December now and he and Sarah would soon be going to L.A. to visit relatives for the holidays. January 1st was looming and Jack couldn't stop thinking about the prospect of Kate now reporting under him.
To describe the events of this past year as being crazy would be an understatement. He got engaged, moved back to New York only to stumble upon the last person that he wanted to see, yet was truly the only person he wanted to see - Kate was his personal paradox. She was the person that made going to work actually physically pleasurable and torturous. He loved his job, being able to ascertain the problem, find a solution and then actually fix it. But, to see her there, even looking at her as an unnoticed observer brought a whole new passion to his work. For months, he kept his distance from her. The shock of her reentry into his world, was more than he could anticipate. But the more he saw her, the more she drew him in - like a moth to a flame.
The past month or so they had been spending more time together at the hospital. He kept up the false pretense that he was looking after her health, that he was a physician and Kate was his patient - which was utter bullshit and he knew it. The mutual physical attraction was still there or at least that's what he wanted to believe - that Kate wanted him in that way. Because his mind was always coming up with ideas, where they could be alone and what he would do to her - his sexual thoughts were nuts. He would be rough and maybe even tie her down. So he could keep her from running away from him again.
Jack took a deep breath and cradled his head into his hands. It wasn't right to want to do those sort of things with a person that wasn't yours or couldn't be. He wanted to feel this way about Sarah, to want her in that singular and possessive way, but he didn't.
Yet, he wasn't sure whether breaking off the engagement with Sarah was the solution. He didn't trust Kate, as much as he still loved her, he didn't trust her to not panic under the weight of commitment, her fear of loss and his demands and needs. She broke him once and he knew he wouldn't survive a second time. Not to mention, he made a commitment and he was not going to back out on that. He proposed to Sarah … he would marry her.
The time he spent with Kate at the hospital made him feel guilty, even though they did nothing unseemly. They simply enjoyed each other's company and their shared passion for medicine. In the past, his friendship with Kate was deeply intertwined with their physical desire and need for one another. But since that aspect was out of the question, Jack found surprising pleasure in their professional friendship.
Regardless, the time had finally come for him to tell Sarah. That is why he sat alone in his living room, feeling slight dread while waiting for her to come home from work. He should have told her right away that Kate was working in the same hospital, but he convinced himself that it wasn't a good idea. That she had just started a new job with greater responsibilities and the last thing she needed was this distraction. But Jack knew better, he simply didn't want to deal with it - the arguing, her inevitable suspicions. And the more time that passed the harder it seemed to finally tell her.
So even though he bought a few months of relative peace at home, he knew his silence had run its course.
At about 7:00 pm, Jack could hear the familiar jingling of Sarah's keys as she unlocked the door. He stiffened slightly, almost physically preparing himself for a conversation he knew wouldn't be easy.
Sarah walked in and she looked a little tired, but pretty nonetheless. Seeing him on the sofa made her draw a wide smile, "You're home." She sounded happy and, sadly, surprised as she moved over to the coat closet to hang up her jacket. The past few months hadn't been easy on them. Their conflicting schedules kept them apart most of the time. Her job required more travel than they initially anticipated and his hospital hours were long and around the clock. At one point, they nearly went three weeks without seeing each other. Either she was in London or Hong Kong or he was working calls overnight. They would literally spend a couple of hours sleeping next to each other before one of them had to go to bed or rise for work.
He could hear the clicking of her heels against the oak floor as she walked towards him. She gave him a light kiss that grazed the corner of his mouth before plopping down next to him. She kicked off her pumps and released a sigh of relief as she wiggled circulation back into her toes. Her head rested on his shoulder, "I'm happy that you're home. I almost can't believe it."
Jack gave a tight smile and gentle squeeze to her knee, "It's nice to be here too."
Sarah looked down at the coffee table, "Hmmm… you're drinking a beer. That's an excellent idea, Dr. Shephard. I've had a crap day and can use one." Sarah motioned to get up, but Jack placed his hand on her lap, "Sit, I'll get it. I'm almost finished with this one anyway." Jack stood up and swigged the last mouthful as he walked into the kitchen.
She closed her eyes listening to Jack move about the kitchen - the suction sound of the fridge door opening and closing, the clinking of the bottles and the final popping of the caps. Sarah turned to face him as he returned to his spot next to her on the sofa.
"Jack, what is your availability for the weekend of March 16th. We need to go to L.A. and book the venue for the rehearsal dinner. I need to set up some appointments with a few restaurants."
March 16th, the date of his and Kate's "anniversary" and, coincidentally, the anniversary of his blind date with Sarah. The date didn't spark a memory for Sarah, or at least she didn't make any special reference to it.
Jack thought about it for a moment and then realized that they did in fact have a conflict, "The hospital's fundraising gala is that night, remember? For the children's cancer ward. I have to be there." Sarah nodded, "Oh yeah. I'm sorry, I forgot. I'll go through my calendar again and see what I can come up with, okay?"
They sat quietly, their sides grazing while they drank their beers. Jack felt her hand stroking the top of his thigh. Finally now feeling the effects of the five beers he drank, Jack was brave enough to place the bottle down.
"Sarah?"
"Yes." Sarah said, but she didn't like the ominous tone of his voice.
"I want … I need to tell you something."
Sarah's shoulders rose, readying herself for the bad news.
He took a deep breath, there was no easy way to say it, "Kate's working at NY Presbyterian."
Jack felt her hand give an unconscious squeeze.
"What?"
"She's an intern at the hospital."
Sarah tried to stay in check and then continued to rub his leg in a soothing manner. She kept telling herself that it was okay, that Jack was her fiancé and that's all that mattered.
Finally finding her voice, an intonation of bitterness apparent in it, she asked, "You don't think that's a strange coincidence? There are thousands of hospitals in this country and she lands herself in the same one her ex-boyfriend works at?'
He didn't like the implication of her question, that somehow all this was intentional and he found himself defensive and then protective of Kate. "Kate had already been accepted into the program before I even applied. So she had no idea, Sarah."
Still rubbing his leg, she asked, "Did you know?"
"No. I didn't. My father arranged for this position. Kate wasn't remotely a consideration. The only reason we are here is because of your promotion."
Sarah thought about what he said. It was true, it wasn't his idea to come to New York. It was just her bad luck that he would wind up right in her lap.
Sarah then tried to look on the bright side and offered a forced smile, "Well it's a big hospital, right?" She felt Jack stiffen.
He was blunt, there was no subtle way to handle it. "Kate will be starting the neurosurgery rotation in January."
Sarah's hand fell from his thigh to her lap, "Oh."
She stood up and looked at him. She clenched her eyes and then opened them, her voice a little louder, she said, "And you don't think this is a problem, Jack? Your ex-girlfriend, the one that you pined away over for years ... she will be working on your team? Wasn't she the 'love of your life' Jack?" Her voice was now rising in pitch and she could feel her temper now starting to boil.
Jack stood up, trying to place an assuring hand on her shoulder, but she pulled away.
"Sarah, nothing is going to change. I proposed to you … we're together."
Tears welled up in her eyes, "I know you proposed to me. Thanks for reminding me. And, don't think I didn't notice that you didn't jump in to disagree with what I said."
He watched her begin to walk away, "Sarah -" He was pathetic, he didn't even have the wherewithal to lie and tell her that she was wrong.
Sarah interrupted, "Jack, I just need some time alone to process this okay?" She then stormed out of the room and slammed their bedroom door shut.
A/N: Guys! Your reviews over the past few chapters have been the BEST! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Thank you for this support. I have been updating like crazy, but I may need a little breather until the next one, okay? And I need to devote some much needed attention to TTR! Some big things are going to start happening there! BIG things.
So there is more Jack and Kate here and I hope I answered some questions people had. This chapter was planned out a while back, I just hope that it closes some gaps.