Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.
Note to Jane: Kitsowitz are pretty dumb. Yes, we all just tried to murder each other! Let's laugh about it and braid each others' hair! Teehee!
Note to Mir: Yee of little faith. Henry will have revenge on the dirty pirate! (Happy has some GREAT weed. But the mellowing effects won't last.)
Note to Hypocrite much: You really shouldn't criticize tagging when I have an explicit warning for this story that you clearly didn't bother to read. Hypocrite much?
PART II
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
SHATTERED SIGHT FIGHT CLUB
Putting Ingrid out of commission had turned out to be pretty easy. All they had to do was pretend they had turned into Gerta and Helga... and slip a mickey into the champagne. Of course, that didn't end the Shattered Sight spell.
But True Love was supposed to break any curse, so with that in mind, Elsa set off to see Anna and Kristoff at The Charming loft and Emma headed to City Hall, hopeful that a maternal forehead smooch could put an end to this madness.
Her hope dwindled, however, when she found the atrium outside Regina's office cloaked in a thin smoky haze.
She knew that smell. It was the smell that had taken months to get out of the Bug after Phoenix and she felt her anger begin to boil... and realized that, perhaps, knocking out Ingrid and removing the ribbon was not the brightest idea. But it was too late to go back now.
And, really, someone needed an ass-kicking she decided when she picked the lock and found Neal and Henry butchering the basket of apples she'd brought Regina. The office was full of apple bits, empty chip bags and pop cans - and beer bottles.
"You let our son smoke pot and drink beer!?" Emma exclaimed, startling the pair.
Neal blinked hazily at her and argued, "What? It's medical grade. And Bud Light Lime tastes like a lime jolly rancher fished out of Mickey Rork's mouth. Figured it would put him off alcohol so he wouldn't end up the next alcoholic in your family tree."
"It tastes like the Jolly Green Giant's ejaculate," agreed Henry. "But pot is awesome!"
"Pot is not awesome! I might have made something of my life if I hadn't spent my teenage years stoned in the back seat of stolen cars!"
"Yeah, but then I wouldn't exist," Henry shot back, then added, "Oh, wait, but you didn't want me anyway. You gave me up. Didn't even have a name for me or even look at me when I was born."
"That's not true! I did want you!" Emma exclaimed, "I just didn't think I could be a good mother!"
Henry did a slow clap. "Well, bravo for that self-realization. You shoulda stuck with it and just focused on not sucking at the Savior thing, 'cause I know all about the other timeline thanks to Deadbeat Dad here. Ha 'dead'," he giggled.
Neal glowered at the insult and Emma glared back at him for blabbing everything to their son.
Henry smirked and got up, walking over to Emma with a calculated look that was eerily similar to Rumplestilskin. "I know you ignored me and you hurt me to save your jackass boyfriend that you forced me to hang out with," he said, leaning in close. "You let me go to hell. You are a terrible parent!"
Emma was torn between tears and anger, but suddenly in a white-hot flash anger won out. "Really!? Well, it's hard to be a good parent to a terrible kid! You have zero respect for personal privacy and property. You have tried to emotionally blackmail everyone in your family to get what you want, starting with the day you showed up on my doorstep and including your bullshit 'Regina, you're not a villain, you're my mommy' crap so she'd give us happy memories, which frankly, are now a load of emotionally traumatizing crap that makes even knowing who I really am as a parent a goddamn nightmare. And you skip school so much it's a wonder you didn't get sent back to the third grade, you lazy little shit!"
"I'm a lazy little shit!? What do you even do as Sheriff? Sit around in your office eating donuts and playing my computer games with your dad! At least Gramps goes out and patrols, even if it's just to beat up innocent people who cut him off! Oh, wait, you also used to doodle creepy anime style drawings of you making out with my step grandpa!"
"THAT WAS ONE TIME!"
"They were naked and he was doing something with his hook that I can't unsee!"
"Shit, Emma, that's nasty," sniggered Neal.
"That's all you have to say?" Emma snapped at him. "You know what? Why do you even bother smoking weed! You are just as annoyingly mellow and 'fuck it all whatever' when you're not high!"
"Being mellow and 'fuck it all whatever' is the only way to survive my shitstorm of a life without being medicated!" Neal shouted at her, getting to his feet and tossing his ice pack aside. "Life sucks, Emma! I thought you were aware of that!"
"Of course I am aware! My life has sucked too!"
"But not like mine! I had nothing when I got to this world after centuries of nightmares about my father choosing magic over me and being hunted like an animal by a psychopath and ignored by the bastard my mother left me for. And everyone here? They were fucking assholes! I quickly realized that the only way to be happy was to spend as much time as possible alone, which was a fucking tragic joke after being alone for hundreds of years! I got a dog after I made it out of the System, but the maid left the motel room door open and it ran away! I got abandoned by a dog.
"The only thing I ever had going for me was the ability to BS my way through anything. I even got a job - but then all I could think about was how much I hated my job! But I was too overcome with fear to quit. How would I pay my bills? Without a job I'd never get a loan to take out a mortgage - and I didn't even know what the hell that was, just that it was part of growing up and fitting into this world! But I was already worried that I wasn't saving enough for my retirement.
"So I stole those fucking watches! It was the only way out of my misery! But I fucked that up and I had to run and I got you caught up in it, and I thought I was doing the right thing by giving you up. I thought August would help you! And I'm sorry that he didn't! But you think my life was rainbows and sunshine after that? You were the only person I'd ever loved who never hurt me - and I spent the rest of the next decade helplessly watching porn and trying to tell myself that it was worth being a fucking miserable loser for the rest of my life, so when I got that postcard I thought I could settle for a creepy woman who was probably catfishing me if you got to find your family and be happy - but you stabbed me the goddamned back, Emma!" Neal snapped, as worked up as he'd ever been, including yelling at his father in Neverland. "How's that for 'mellow'!?"
"You kinda did, Emma," agreed Henry.
"And you totally inherited your parents bad parenting skills," amended Neal.
"Well at least I was there for more than a couple of weeks before dying!"
"Better a good parent for a couple of weeks than a lousy parent for decades!"
"YOU BOTH SUCK!" shouted Henry. "YOU'RE SELFISH AND STUPID ASSHOLES!"
To Neal he seethed, "You could have come here with August or when the Curse broke and Mom would have taken you back! But instead you were a fucking coward and you 'settled' for a psychopath who almost got me killed and you acted like a fucking stupid jerk to Mom because of your goddamn insecurities instead of manning the hell up and telling you were sorry until it was too late! And who the hell just decides to just use dark magic after three hundreds of years being totally anti all magic!?"
To Emma he snapped, "You acted worse than the idiot teenage girls in my class! You were all giggly and shit over Dad but then the moment he was sorry and wanted to work it out, you pushed him away and fawned all over Hook because of your fucking abandonment issues and then Dad died and you acted like you didn't even give a shit, because, hey, it's not like your magic killed him or anything!"
Henry repeated, "YOU BOTH SUCK! YOU ARE SHITTY PEOPLE AND TERRIBLE PARENTS! I HATE THIS FAMILY! AND I HATE MAGIC! I DON'T WANT MY DESTINY TO BE SOME FUCKING MAGICAL WRITER FORCED TO RECORD THE BULLSHIT HISTORY OF ASSHOLES FROM A WORLD THAT IS A BIG FUCKING JOKE!"
Henry threw his apple bong at Regina's favorite mirror, shattering it.
Which was enough to snap them all momentarily out of the red haze of magical anger. And for Emma to realize that Henry, the sneaky little shit, had removed her protective - but no longer fastened by Ingrid's will - ribbon and set it on fire in the joint-filled ash tray.
"Ahhhh," said Neal, "we should probably do something about your mom there. She's lost a lot of blood."
Emma look at the monitor and grumbled, "Goddamn it! That woman gets hit on the head more than all of the Loony Tunes characters combined!"
"I know, right?" snorted Henry. "It's kinda pathetic."
"... smell like a goddamned reindeer fart and pick your nose!" Anna was shouting when Elsa entered the Loft.
"Yeah? Well who waits until marriage anymore!?" retorted Kristoff. "And your incessant optimism is more annoying than that creepy little shit Olaf that wouldn't exist if you hadn't had an unhealthy obsession with building snowmen that carried over far too long into adulthood!"
"We live in a kingdom that has snow for ten months of the year! There isn't a lot to do!" Anna argued. "And you trim your toenails with a knife you call a 'toe knife'. Who does that!?"
"Everyone who didn't grow up a fancy-ass princess! And at least my reindeer knows the value of silence! I can't get through five minutes of that with you! You never shut the hell up!"
"BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!" Elsa roared, causing the pair to fly apart. "Do you know how annoying you are!? And do you know how humiliating it is to have everyone in the kingdom talking about how my kid sister is getting married before me and trying to set me up by sending random men to the palace!? And I know you're doing it too! Did it ever occur to you that I like being single? Or maybe that I don't even like men!? How the hell can you not even tell your own sister is gay!?"
"You don't seem very happy," said Kristoff.
"It's what people in this world call being sexually attracted to someone of the same sex, you reindeer-stink moron! I LIKE GIRLS!"
Kristoff looked gobsmacked. Anna looked befuddled for a moment, then deduced, "Oh... so that handmaiden I setup to get fired because I thought you liked her more than me and then she got run over by an oxcart and was permanently brain-damaged and didn't remember you-"
"I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER, YOU IDIOT!" Elsa yelled.
"So... this is awkward," muttered Kristoff.
"Stupid curse," huffed Anna.
"Yeah... curse," said Elsa, hiding her ribbon-festooned wrist behind her back.
The Sheriff's Station was a complete mess. It looked like the Wraith had ransacked it again, Henry mused as he munched on Funyuns and took a swig of Mountain Dew, trailing behind Emma and Neal who had set aside their bickering and were ignoring his snarky commentary to ensure Snow White didn't bleed to death.
Sure, they all hated one another, but... you know... family and all that bullshit.
Emma grumbled about wanting to bitch-slap her mother and then magically healed her. Thankfully, Regina had taught her that you didn't need just love magic to do light magic... or neutral magic. Bitch-slap magic could work too.
Snow came too with a groggy look and a smile that quickly transform into a scowl as she took in the scene of David, Regina, and Hook battling with swords. Of course, Regina had made hers a super fancy guilded sword!
"Oh, what a surprise, Emma," Snow snarked, "You screwed up being the Savior again!"
Emma glared. "Well you're the one who made me the Savior with your selfish-ass spell before I was even born! You should win an award for worst parent in Fairy Tale Land! Even Pan admitted to being an asshole who didn't like his kid instead of just neglecting his kid and pretending he was parent of the year!"
Snow smoothed down her fur and snapped, "Well fine then. You know what. I don't like you, Emma. You think I'm selfish? You think I'm a hypocrite? Fine. But you're just as two-faced. You say you want to be a good person, a hero, but then you break all of your so-called ethics when it suits you. You hurt whoever you need to in order to save whoever you need to, whether they deserve it or not and who cares about the collateral damage.
"You baited Regina," Snow continued nastily but truthfully, "when you got here until it backfired and hurt Henry. You tried to kidnap Henry. And your shitty detective work got me arrested and if Gold hadn't been a shady asshole looking to screw over Regina, Katherine would have been murdered. You trusted August because, what, he was a hot jerk in leather who wanted to screw you? That's your type, I guess, isn't it? Too bad Neal left out the leather pants when he got to Storybrooke, or you'd be banging him, August, and Hook in a four-way, you slut!"
"I AM NOT A SLUT!" Emma shouted. "And at least I didn't have the man I cheated on my husband with do my vaginal exams and deliver my kid!"
"Well, since he's gay it doesn't really matter does it? But I figured if Whale saw my vagina like that, he'd never think about having sex with me again!"
"Yeah, that makes sense," David nodded, thoughtful. "I'm not sure I want to."
"Yeah, well, I'm not sure I want to either!" Snow snapped at him. "If Emma is anything to go by, our genes combine to make stupid, slutty failures! Our son is probably doomed to a future in the janitorial services, paying hookers for sex!"
"There's nothing wrong with being a janitor!" huffed Neal.
"Or paying for sex!" said Hook, amending, "though I generally got them so drunk that they passed out and I could skip out on the bill!"
"You're disgusting!" Emma seethed at him. "I can't believe we were ever anything to each other!"
Hook glared back. "Oh, yes, let's go over this again! What an incestuous arsehole freak I am for all of the things that I did that I ever actually did! You must have bewitched me with your Savior heart magic, because I can't believe I was ever attracted to and thought I could have true love with a bitchy little hypocrite like you!"
"She gets that from her mother," scoffed Regina.
"I may be a bitchy hypocrite, but you're a self-entitled drama queen who blames everyone else for her fuck-ups!" snapped Snow.
As the two began name calling again, Henry said to Neal, "You know, Dad, it is kind of pathetic. I mean, it would have been nice to have someone a bit less of a loser for a dad, especially when my other timeline stepdad was an asshole pervert. Just say'n."
"Yeah, Neal," scoffed Emma. "Way to make nothing of your life and not even get me my happy ending."
"Really? Way to fuck up everyone's happy endings, Emma! Who's the bigger loser, huh?" Neal countered.
"Maybe I wouldn't have fucked that up if you'd had the balls to stay with me!"
"And you wondered why we didn't want to help you," Snow sneered at Neal. "If it was between a handsome rapist pirate with a ship full of doubloons who treated our slutty daughter like a trophy and you... well... you know how those chips fell."
"I should be insulted," Neal retorted, "but considering you brought nothing but war and curses to your people and cursed your own daughter to get out of being parents and then split your heart without any thought of your second kid's life being put in jeopardy all so you could use Emma as a pawn again to save your own asses from yet another psycho family member who wouldn't even have a vendetta against you if you'd executed Regina like she deserved, your judgment means jack shit to me."
"Screw you, person," Regina sneered at Neal. "At least I didn't let the people I let live starve to death or get heart massacred by my mother like Snow White did."
"I didn't let your mother kill anyone!" Snow growled.
"You're all terrible parents," Neal cut back in. "And terrible rulers and just plain jerks. But Regina is right that you're worse! You get off on using other people's indoctrinated feudal loyalty to pretend you're great people who are beloved for your compassion and wisdom, but you wouldn't know compassion if it bit you on your asses and there's more wisdom in a fortune cookie than the bullshit you try pass off as sage advice!"
He held up his hand for a high-five, which Regina reciprocated, though she looked disgusted at having done so before she scoffed at Snow, "Trying to set me up with Robin even after knowing I murdered his wife. What the fuck was that about, Snow? How is that being a hero or compassionate? And the man is a complete moron. He's a better match for you."
"I'm a moron?" raged Snow. "You thought you could get that Author to rewrite your story to make Robin not a moron and start over from scratch - which would have left Henry, where? Not existing, you selfish bitch! We're lucky Ingrid got him before you!"
"Touché," said Henry.
"STAY OUT OF THIS!" both women snapped at him.
"Oooooooo, Funyuns!" Hook finally noticed and Henry glared and snatched the bag away.
"Like hell I'm sharing my Funyuns with you, you diseased pervert!"
"Hey, I'm your diseased pervert kin, boy! Hand it over!"
"Not unless you want to lose your other hand, asshole! Who tries to bang their stepson's baby mama five minutes after he dies by getting her drunk? TWICE!? And all the bullshit stories you gave me about your father-son times with my dad!? FUCK YOU, YOU DIRTY PIRATE!"
"Yeah? Well, fuck you! You mixed my blood with the Crocodile's!"
"Which means I'll probably grow up to be an alcoholic megalomaniacal slut, you whore!" said Henry and he kicked Hook in the shin.
"What the hell was that? Was that supposed to be you picking a fight? You don't want to pick a fight with me, you little punk!"
"Right, cause you're soooo good at winning those! Five foot tall women kick your ass!"
"You take that back, brat!"
"Make me, manwhore!"
Meanwhile, Regina was growling at Snow, "You ruined my happily ever after, you gullible, bratty little shit! And I'm sorry your horse had to die to take you down a peg or two. But you cried for a week before getting a new pony while you and your stupid horse made me hate horses and they were the only good thing I had left in my life! I had to kill my horse and father to cast the Dark Curse-"
"Technically, you didn't have to kill your horse," interjected Neal. "You just misinterpreted the rules."
"SHUT UP, YOU USELESS PERSON!"
"Better a useless person than a terrible person WHO IS ALSO AN EVIL HOMICIDAL RAPIST WITCH!" accused Emma.
"Really!? You actually want to be friends and that's what you're going with, Miss Swan!?"
"No! Because I don't actually want to be friends! I feel bad for screwing over this other Latina chick when I was a kid and I was overcompensating by transferring that guilt onto you!"
"Wow, that's so racist!" exclaimed Hook while trying to hit Henry with a broomstick.
"IT'S NOT RACIST!"
"It kind of is," said David. "Also, you are a hypocrite for suspending me when you're an even worse sheriff than I am! Who the hell takes their parents to crime scenes? Or lets the hospital lab test a potential murder victim's heart in a town you think is being run by the murderer who has already shown herself to be buddy-buddy with the Chief of Staff? I mean, that's just plain stupid, Emma! Not to mention taking motorcycle rides to the middle of the forest at night with a stranger who had been stalking you and your son and making sexual advances at every opportunity!"
"SHUT UP, DADVID! I'D ONLY BEEN ON THE JOB TWO MONTHS! AND YOU PUT ME IN A FUCKING WARDROBE WHERE I WOULD HAVE DIED WITHOUT A STOW-AWAY PUPPET WHO RUINED MY LIFE!"
"I WAS ONLY DOING WHAT YOUR MOTHER SAID! SHE HAS STUPID PLANS INVOLVING TRUSTING SHADY PEOPLE, BUT SHE WITHHOLDS SEX IF I DON'T GO ALONG WITH IT!"
"I WITHHOLD SEX BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY FORM OF POWER WOMEN HAVE IN OUR PATRIARCHAL CHAUVINIST PIG RUN SOCIETY WITHOUT TURNING INTO AN EVIL HOMICIDAL RAPIST WITCH!"
Snow and Regina high-five, but Regina amended, "This doesn't mean I still don't loath you!"
"And I still intend to bitch slap you into next week!" hissed Snow.
"And I still hate your selfish guts for abandoning me and replacing me with a new baby five minutes after finding me!" interjected Emma. "And you for trying to murder and poison me and psychologically fucking up my kid!"
"You haven't been his parent long enough to have the right to call him yours!" snapped Regina. "And don't pull that other timeline bullshit, because you didn't have a soul and neglected him worse than I ever did and fully admit it!"
"Also," added Snow, "you being a morally corrupt slut who abandoned her child so she could rob liquor stores and get high because of the influence of this no prospect pervert is not helping your case, Emma!"
"And naming your kid after someone you basically sent to his death so people would think you were honoring him instead of covering up being guilty as fuck is not helping yours whether he was a no prospect pervert or not!"
"I am not a pervert and I have prospects!" Neal growled. "I'll have you know I had an interview for a well paid illustrator position at a very important publishing company and I might have gotten the job if my phone hadn't fallen out the window and broken because of August's fucking postcard! Instead my rent check bounced and I had to take a loan from the woman I just started dating, which should have been a clue that she was conning me, but I just wanted to be happy! WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE GET TO BE HAPPY BUT ME!?"
"Pretty sure none of us here are happy, mate!" retorted Hook, just before Henry shot him in the balls with a taser.
While Hook was falling over and pissing his leather pants, Snow took the broom and knocked the taser of her grandson's hand. There was then a scramble for the thing with a lot of punching and eye-poking. Regina eventually came out with it and tased Snow in the chest, shouting:
"HOW DOES YOUR DARK SPOT FEEL NOW, BITCH!"
Emma had found a can of pepper spray and aimed it at Regina's face, leaving the Evil Queen howling in agony and clawing at her eyes.
David took the broom and started beating on Hook as the pirate tried to get up. "THAT'S FOR LEAVING MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER TO DIE IN A DUNGEON! AND THAT'S FOR THREATENING TO RAPE MY WIFE..."
Emma aimed the pepper spray at Neal shouting, "YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME AND THEN YOU BETRAYED ME AND LEFT ME KNOCKED UP IN PRISON, YOU ASSHOLE, AND YOU CAN'T FORGIVE ME!?"
"MAYBE I WOULD IF I ACTUALLY BELIEVED YOU LOVED ME INSTEAD OF JUST ACTING ON SOME FUCKED UP ABANDONMENT ABUSE COMPLEX! AND, YOU KNOW, HADN'T GONE TO HELL TO SAVE MY ASSHOLE STEPDAD FIVE MINUTES AFTER I DIED WHILE LEAVING ME DEAD!" Neal yelled back. "ALWAYS FIND THIS, BITCH!" And having found David's can of pepper spray aimed it right back.
They both ended up stumbling around in pain.
Henry took a folding chair and slammed it into David's back, sending him to the floor beside Hook while growling, "THAT'S FOR BEING A SHITTY GRANDPA WHO COULDN'T EVEN MAKE ME A FUCKING POPTART WHEN MOM AND GRANDMA WERE IN THE ENCHANTED FOREST AND FOR NEARLY GETTING ME KILLED CRASHING INTO A FIRE HYDRANT IN A CAR WITH NO SEATBELTS OR AIRBAG BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO BE A COOLER GRANDPA THAN A SYPHILITIC DOUCHEBAG! NEITHER OF YOU ARE COOL! I'M TWELVE! YOU'RE BOTH DORKS AND I HATE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU!"
Ceasing in his physical assault, Henry yelled at the rest of them, "SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL? I AM SICK TO DEATH OF HAVING TO MEDIATE THIS STUPID FAMILY LIKE A GROWN-UP! I AM THE ONLY REASON YOU PEOPLE EVEN TALK TO EACH OTHER BUT NO ONE TELLS ME ANYTHING OR LETS ME DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN TELL ME TO DO MY HOMEWORK AND 'OH, HENRY, YOU REALLY ARE SPECIAL EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MAGICAL POWERS'. YEAH OTHER THAN BEING A SLAVE TO GODDAMN FATE TO WRITE DOWN YOUR SHITTY-ASS STORIES ABOUT HOW NOTHING HORRIBLE YOU EVER DID IS YOUR FAULT!
"I WISH I HADN'T BROKEN THAT QUILL SO I COULD WRITE YOU ALL TO THE UNDERWORLD BECAUSE MAYBE BEING TORTURED BY EVEN BIGGER ASSHOLES THAN YOU IS THE WAY TO MAKE YOU GET THE FUCK ALONG OR NOT FUCK EVERYTHING UP WITHOUT ME GIVING STUPID SPEECHES EVERY FIVE MINUTES! YOU ARE NOT HEROES. YOU ARE NOT VILLAINS. YOU ARE A BUNCH OF GODDAMNED SELFISH PRICKS WHO DON'T DESERVE HAPPY ENDINGS!"
After a brief silence, Regina huffed, not quite sure where Henry was due to being blinded, "Now that's just rude! You're grounded, young man!"
"FUCK OFF, MOM!"
"Don't tell your mother to fuck off, Henry!" snapped Emma who was trying to use a stale cup of coffee to rinse her eyes.
"Show some respect for your elders, Henry!" added Snow.
"Oh, shut up!" Emma snapped at her. "I can't believe you were going to name me 'Annawrad'! You are the absolute worst at picking out names! I thought being named after a trash blanket was bad, but that's worse!"
"And clearly highly inaccurate, because you turned into a dark-hearted slut with the emotional maturity of a shallow-ass emo teenager! I should have named you 'Bella'!" retorted Snow, punching her in the face.
"And clearly Isaac bullshitted those stories about you, because they were highly inaccurate as you turned into a selfish and stupid jerk!" Emma threw a punch right back.
"I can't feel my sword!" cried Hook, staggering around and clutching his groin.
"I lost a tooth!" spat David.
"Oh, shut up you pussies!" snapped Snow. "For a misogynist prick and chauvinist pig, you are the biggest goddamned wusses I have ever met!"
"You take that back or I'll rip off that ugly weave!" David countered.
"It's not a weave!"
"Like hell it's not!" scoffed Regina and she grabbed and pulled.
"Let go, you bitch!" shrieked Snow and she poured Emma's cup of stale coffee down the front of Regina's fancy evil dress.
Neal punched David in the face, snarling, "I'll break another tooth for reserving your 'I will always find you' shit for a diseased pirate instead of your grandson's goddamned father, you asshole! And another for accusing me of not having prospects when you'd still be sheering fucking sheep if it wasn't for my father! Mooching off your wife and lying to an entire kingdom about who you are is not heroic!""
"Neither is leaving the woman you love because some jerk tells you it's the right thing to do!"
"Which is exactly what she did to you, but you forgave her proceeded to fuck up Emma's life together long before I did!"
"YOU FUCKED UP HER LIFE FIRST, PIRATE!" both men shouted and tackled him.
Needless to say, the battle was back on, the tasing and macing a temporary setback that might have hampered their vision and coordination but did not deter any of them from throwing more punches, office supplies, and verbal insults.
David and Neal proceeded to wail on Hook in between getting in a few punches at each other. Regina, Snow, and Emma were all pulling each others hair and shrieking insults like they were in an episode of Dynasty.
Henry had poured Hook's rum on one of the jail cell cots and set it on fire, the rest of them oblivious to the growing flames and billowing smoke that for some reason didn't set off a smoke alarm... probably because Emma and David were lazy-ass sheriffs who never checked or replaced the battery... or maybe it just shorted out during the ice storm or power surge from Mary Margaret's dumbshit method of restarting the electrical grid all at once instead of in stages.
The fighting continued until there was a sudden explosion as a blast of ice shattered the water cooler and Elsa exclaimed, "ALL OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP FIGHTING!"
She used her ice powers to freeze them in place while she put out the fire, though it didn't stop everyone from glaring at each other or veins in necks from throbbing.
"Okay, Miss Weird Sequin Fetish," Emma scoffed, "how are you going to break this spell then?"
"Oh, I don't know, how about we find that creepy wizard that my bitch aunt probably stole it from!?"
Everyone exchanged a look and shrugged.
"Yeah," said David, "that could work. Let's go. But just so we're clear, I still hate you all."
"DITTO!" everyone agreed.
AN: Ah, fun times them all beating on each other! Part of Neal's rant is taken from Were-Lizard Guy Mann in The X-Files "Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster". The oxcart lesbian thing is taken from Call the Midwife. (What's the 'toe knife' from?)
Next up: Can these idiots work together while wanting to kill each other?