TMNT 2012 Numb

Ch 2: Family portrait

POV RAPH

Being dead sucks, I found that out in the first minute or two of watching my brothers breaking down over my disappearance. I could only hope that they would give up looking, they wouldn't like what they found.

I wanted nothing more in the world to comfort them and to tell them they'd be okay but they couldn't hear me or even see me. So here I was sitting in a small corner, curled up, letting my death sink in.

I died at the young age of sixteen; I guess it was true; Ninjas do not tend to live long due to their roles. I just never thought my life would end so soon.

I thought I'd go out protecting one of my brothers….but no I died alone. The ache and exhaustion was back, it wasn't unbearable however. Yet there was still that hollow and icy feeling in my chest…where….where my heart once beated sure and strong.

I was now staring down at the ground, my green eyes dull and lifeless, focused on nothing. I tried to block the sounds of the sobs that originated from my brothers, but they just wouldn't shut up.

"Shut up….shut up…I'm sorry okay…I'm sorry!" I whispered, knowing they couldn't hear me but I just needed to hear something other than agonizing sobs or I was going to go insane. Wait…could a spirit go insane? Was it even possible?

Shell I don't even remember how I died. That was something else that was ticking me off. I needed to know. I was restless. If I knew how I died maybe I wouldn't hurt so much.

How did I know I died alone? Pft you must be blind or stupid or something. My family was searching for me duh, if I had died with my family there wouldn't be any need for a search.

So I died alone and probably in a most painful and agonizing way. Well I couldn't complain now. I was dead; there wasn't anything I could do to change that. A sudden meow caught my attention and I blinked my green eyes and spotted Icecream Kitty standing in front of me.

She gazed in my direction intently as if she could actually see me, then she bent down and licked at my transparent fingers. I flinched slightly as I realized I could feel Ice Cream Kitty's tongue. "Hey Icecream Kitty." I managed a pained smile, my lower lip trembling a bit.

She mewled and nuzzled my side settled down next to me. Luckily for me I wasn't a solid entity….er…let me rephrase that that sounded horrible. Well thankfully since I was a spirit none of the icecream stuck to me. I shivered as Icecream Kitty snuggled against my leg.

I heard once that animals have a sixth sense and they were sensitive to things such as spirits and ghosts. Donnie once told me that was a load of bull, well that wasn't his exact wording but still…

Donnie didn't believe in things he couldn't explain with scientific knowledge. Well Donnie boy was I about to prove you dead wrong- er poor choice of words.

I stroked Icecream Kitty's back a couple of times before noticing that my brothers had stopped crying. I lifted my head to see they were all staring at Icecream Kitty whom seemed to be nuzzling thin air.

"Kitty kitty!" I heard Mikey call out to her."What are you doing you silly ball of delicious ice cream." He hopped up and came this way and I flinched backwards. I knew that Mikey couldn't see or hear me but he was so close to touching me as he lifted Icecream Kitty into the air and nuzzled her.

"We should put you back in the freezer before you melt, kitty kitty." I watched, smiling bitter sweetly as Mikey cooed to the cat made of ice cream. I looked up at him to study his face. He seemed to still be painfully upset but he was also trying his best to look cheerful.

"That's the spirit Mikey." My gaze traversed over to my purple masked brother who had gotten up off the couch having dried his own tears. "We'll find Raphael soon. I promise and then he'll be back to hitting us upside the head and pushing us around and being a jerk." He chuckled feebly, no doubt trying to instill more hope into Mikey.

Well I hate to tell you this Don but I ain't ever coming back and you'll damn well have to just get used to the fact I'm gone bro. Hey don't give me that look, I'm dead…do I have to spell it out d-e-a-d….. DEAD! As in never coming back, sure it seems harsh but well you know what THE TRUTH HURTS!

"Don't talk about him like that." I tensed up when I heard Leo's voice it was dangerously low and soft, almost threatening. My gaze landed on him and he was sitting on the couch still, looking down at the ground, his hands curled up onto fists resting on his upper legs. "Don't talk about Raph like that. He's not…."

I felt pain rush through me as Leo stood up and gave Don an icy look. Okay what the shell Leo, icy looks were my thing! Good damn just because I'm dead doesn't mean you get to steal my gigs.

"He's not a jerk….he never was!" Leo's voice rose an octave, I looked at him in shock. Never before had I seen Leo so unhinged before. His face was scrunched up in torment."THE ONLY THING HE EVER DID WAS LOOK OUT FOR US AND IT'S MY FAULT HE RAN OFF!" All I could do was watch as Leo turned away and stomped off and into his room. He slammed the door so hard that our family picture on the wall flew off the nail it was perched on and plummeted onto the floor with a cracking noise.

I followed Donnie over to the picture and I looked down in horror. The crack was….the crack on the picture… It went like this, Casey on one side of April, then April, then Donnie, then Mikey, then Master Splinter and then Leo and I. We both had one arm draped over the other's shoulder. And there between Leo and I was a large crack where the shards of glass split. Dividing us...separating us like a cruel joke. I trembled in rage, cursing my death.

Donnie looked as if he were about to cry once more. He scooped up the picture in one of his hands and muffed a sob on the other. My eyes followed Donnie's every sluggish movement as he headed out towards the dojo. I knew there was no doubt that he was taking the family picture to be repaired by Splinter.

That was when I heard whimpering and my gaze fell on Mikey who was hugging Icecream Kitty tightly. Icecream Kitty must have noticed Mikey's anguish for she licked the bottom of his chin.

I returned to my corner to let these new events haunt me. So it was true…I really was dead, huh? I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my transparent fists. Damn what I wouldn't give to punch something right about now. To punch something and become numb again.

I leaned down and collapsed in the corner, I lie on my side and curled up into a ball trying to banish all the pain physical and mental. But it didn't change a damn thing. I had to do something anything.

I pulled myself to my feet, even though pain shot through me like a bullet and I felt drained of any ounce of energy I stubbornly forced my transparent behind to move. I wasn't the type of turtle to give up you see, stubborn as a damn mule and proud of it too.

Dead or not I'd let hell freeze over before I let my family burst at the seams. I finally managed to make my way to Leo's room. I wondered how in the world I was suppose to get inside when he had locked it behind him

Well I suppose there was only one way to find out. I slowly placed my hand on the door and pressed lightly. To my relief and horror I found that my transparent hand passed through the door with the greatest of ease. I followed suit.

My lifeless green eyes scouted the room and then stopped on Leo. My older brother was in bed, biting down on a pillow, reluctant tears streaming down his face. I could only assume that he was muffling his sobs with the fabric.

Guilt and agony rattled my spirit and I trembled as I almost hurtled towards the cold and unforgiving floor, barely regaining my footing. I was still causing pain to my brothers. Even after all of this. Even when my body was taking a dirt nap somewhere.

Or at least I hoped it was. I shuddered at the thought of some nutty scientist dissecting my mangled corpse.

You just couldn't cut me a break could you life? Even when I'm fucking dead? Huh? You really are a sick and twisted game of brutality. I dragged myself with much effort to Leo. I wanted nothing more than to place my hand on his shoulder and tell him it was going to be okay

BAH, okay? Really did I just say okay? What I meant to say was, 'nothing's ever gonna be okay again cause I'm dead' yeah no….I wouldn't ever say that. As of now my brothers had hope and I didn't want to be the one to cause their soaring hopes to come plummeting down into darkness.

Timidly I reached my hand above Leo's shoulder, leaving it hovering there, contemplating if I should touch my older brother or not. I didn't know if he'd feel my presence, after all he was the most attentive out of all of us and he hasn't even sensed me at all.

Finally I made my decision. I slowly placed my hand atop Leo's shoulder and when he jumped, I too jumped, a good inch back. He gazed around the room wildly, his bloodshot blue eyes confused and terrified.

I bit my bottom lip; it was all I could do to keep myself from falling apart. He wouldn't hear me…I knew he couldn't….. But at that moment I need to say his name…say something. I was going damn crazy without talking to anyone. "Leo?" I began timidly. I watched as my brother jolted upwards and looked around the room. Had he heard me? My eyes went wide in anticipation.

"Raph?" My name was just a whisper that slipped out of his clenched teeth. I trembled so he had heard me.

This was the first time that any of my family members had heard me and suddenly I couldn't stand to be in the same room as Leo. I couldn't speak another damn word. I wasn't going to tell him I fucked up and died. No, I couldn't…not yet….not…

I felt something odd, something rolling down my cheeks. So spirits could cry? Who fucking knew? I turned away and fled the room, but I did not miss Leo's small whimper.

"I'm imagining things." The small sentence followed his whimper.

And then I could hear him no longer as I rushed to the safety of my corner, my whole transparent body a torrent of agony, sorrow. I gasped for air I didn't need. I wanted…I needed….I needed…..the tears splashed to the floor, but vanished into nothingness. Fuck it all, damn it. I didn't want to be dead but I was and there was nothing I could do. I was powerless, hopeless and weak.

And finally I became numb once more.

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Author's note: Thanks once again for reading and wow wasn't this a very emotional chapter. I hope you'll stick with me because the chapters will pick up and become longer from here on out! Until then later! Oh I am not to be held responsible for anyone who should experience the mass slaughter of their feels! Please read and review, every single one is important to me! I love your feedback!