A/N: I apologize for the wait, I nearly lost this chapter due to computer problems. Fortunately, everything's fixed, and I have internet back! Woo hoo! I hope you enjoy this chapter. Thanks for your support! :)

XXXXXX

She was drowning.

She wanted to be angry and hurt – shit, she was angry and hurt – but she was mostly just disappointed, tears streaming down her cheeks at the thought of this – whatever the hell 'this' was – ending before it began.

She'd thought they'd had a chance, but lies and secrets ruined everything.

'God, Castle. We were so close.'

But did it have to be ruined?

Was the demise of their attachment certain?

Kate had to talk to somebody about this.

Not Castle – yet. She wanted someone on the outside of the relationship.

Not Dr. Burke, he was too far outside. This called for someone who knew Castle well.

Not the boys, they'd go rip a strip off of Castle's hide before Kate even finished telling them what happened. She needed someone with a marginally level head.

Lanie. Not that she wouldn't be willing to use her scalpels on him if Kate asked, but she would at least listen to the full story. She'd talk to Lanie.

XXXXXX

An hour later Castle walked back down the hospital hallway towards ICU. He was more nervous now than he had been before he gave Kate the flash drive.

This was it.

There were three scenarios that he could think of.

'I want you back, Castle.'

'I want you gone, Castle.'

'I'm extremely pissed at you, Castle, but let's talk it out.'

He almost laughed out loud at the last one.

Talk.

He could charm the pants off of any number of women – and had done so multiple times – but Kate deserved more than charm. She deserved real.

And damn it, so did he. But he wasn't sure if he knew how to do real any more. Every time he had real, which was only twice if he really thought about it – first Kyra and now Kate – he'd been devastated by abandonment and lies. He'd gone for shallow women after Kyra, that was how he met Meredith. Rick knew those 'relationships', if you could call them that, would never last, but bimbos hurt less than real. Even Meredith's cheating hadn't eaten at his gut as Kate's confession in the interrogation room had.

Castle paused outside Kate's door, peeking inside. He could just see the closed laptop lying at the edge of the bed.

'You're a grown man, Castle. Don't be scared, it's just Beckett.'

As if Kate Beckett couldn't be terrifying at times.

He knocked on the door jamb and stuck his head in.

"Kate," he rumbled, and cleared his throat. "Can we talk?"

She looked up wide eyed.

'Damn,' thought Rick, 'she's been crying.'

She didn't speak for a moment, just stared at him as if it was going to be the last time she saw him.

"Castle… You came back sooner than I expected."

"Is… Is that bad?" he asked, hoping it wasn't but so afraid it was.

"This was a big thing you gave me."

"Kate, please… Listen, I was just trying to keep you safe…"

"Castle, I believe you, but I'm sorry. I've read the whole file and I need time to process. I can't talk about it now. I'll call you?"

Rick felt like a soccer ball that had been kicked one too many times. He deflated, defeated.

"Kate," he closed his eyes, feeling this was the end. She's going to hide again and this time she won't come out. "The last time you said that I didn't hear from you for three months."

Kate watched him collapse in on himself, looking smaller as the disappointment surrounded him like a cloud.

"Castle, I promise it won't take that long. A few days; maybe a week to get my head around all of this. And if it does take longer for me to call than you think it should, get a hold of someone. Call Lanie. She'll light a fire under my ass."

He gave a sad smile.

"Well, if anyone could, it would be Lanie," he replied. "And that's a compliment to her, not a slight to you," he continued, trying to lighten the mood a little, but feeling like the levity fell flat.

Then she smiled back, as sad as his smile, but it gave him hope.

Maybe they could be 'them' again.

XXXXXX

"Okay, I get that you're mad because he didn't tell you this information, but maybe if I knew more about his side of things, I could help you better."

Kate was out of ICU and in a private room. All of her tests had come back negative except for what they already knew, for which she was grateful.

It didn't really help the headache from the concussion, but that was beside the point.

Lanie had arrived just after she'd been moved. Beyond the 'Hello, how are you feeling' discussion, Kate hadn't said much; she'd just plugged the flash drive into the computer and let Lanie peruse the file.

"What do you mean, 'his side'?"

"Did he tell you why he left during the bombing case and never came back?"

"Yes…" Kate's eyes grew wide. She was going to have to admit that she lied to her best friend.

"Well?" asked Lanie.

"I've been telling him I don't remember my shooting. And I've been telling him that since I came back from my dad's cabin."

"So? That happens to a lot of people with a traumatic experience like yours. That's what you told me. What does that have to do with…" Lanie suddenly realized what Kate was getting at. "Wait a minute…"

"Yes, Lanie, I lied. I remember it all, and I have from the beginning."

Lanie looked at Kate, shocked.

"And now you're mad at me too." Kate was resigned.

"Mad? Yes, I'm mad!" Lanie saw the look on Kate's face, as if she thought she'd lost not only the man she loved, but her best friend as well.

She softened her tone.

"Oh, Sweetie. Why wouldn't you say anything?"

Kate looked at Lanie, eyes pleading for her to understand.

"Because I couldn't deal with what he said to me."

"What did he say?"

"He loves me."

"Katherine Houghton Beckett, Richard Castle told you he loved you and you didn't tell me? Now I really am mad!"

Kate smiled. The tension was broken.

"Does anyone else know?" Lanie asked. "Know you remember, I mean."

"I've told you about Dr. Burke, right?"

"The psychiatrist who gave you your evaluation to go back to work?"

"Yes. I went back and I've been seeing him regularly since I came back from the cabin."

"Is he helping?"

"Yes, and he knows I remember. He was the first person I told."

"What did he say?"

"He threatened to revoke the eval."

"I'm a little surprised he didn't," Lanie mentioned as she leaned back in her chair.

"I am too, to be honest." Kate took a deep breath and winced at the pull in her ribs. She waved Lanie's concern away. "I'm fine… or I will be eventually. I just need to figure out what to do about Castle."

Lanie gave Kate an eye roll to rival her own.

"I swear, you two need to be handcuffed to separate chairs and locked in a room facing each other. Then maybe you'd talk."

"Lanie, I'm serious."

"And you think I'm not? Kate, the first thing you need to do is apologize to him."

"What?"

"Think about it."

Kate eyed Lanie in confusion, then the light turned on.

She had explained her actions – justified them, even. But she had never thought to apologize.

She'd put all of that on him. He'd left the precinct, he'd left her, so he was the one who should be sorry.

It hadn't even occurred to her that she shared the responsibility for him leaving. That he left because of her lie. It hadn't clicked.

It was clicking now.

"Oh, God, Lanie. How could I be so stupid?"

"You ask me, both of you need matching dunce caps."

Kate snorted.

"Look, Kate, this is why you asked me over here, right? Here's my take. Castle wanted to keep you safe from whoever the hell is trying to kill you, and you were healing and trying to make yourself better for him."

Kate nodded and Lanie glared at her.

"Even though you're already good enough, and always have been."

Kate rolled her eyes.

"Lanie…"

But Lanie barreled right over her. Apparently she'd been wanting to get this off her chest for awhile.

"Kate, the living may not be my thing, but I am a doctor. I know how much emotional healing in addition to the physical healing a person has to go through after something like this, and with your baggage, I'd say you were trying to protect him from that too. You both had good reasons for keeping your secrets, and you both are justifiably pissed off at the other for keeping them. But Honey, he wants to help you."

"He should have told me, Lanie! He's met with some guy named Smith, and who knows how involved he is. Rick's done all this and hasn't said a word!"

"Yes, he should have told you," Lanie agreed. "Just like you should have told him."

Kate shrugged and rolled her eyes in frustration. Lanie was right – about why Kate wanted to talk to her, about how Castle should have been told from the beginning… and she was right about the apology Kate owed. But Kate was still hung up on what was on the flash drive.

"It's my mother's case, Lanie!" she exclaimed. "My case!"

"Kate, think about this," Lanie went on, sidestepping her friend's outburst. "Castle left the precinct. He cut all ties. Not just with you, but with Kevin, Javi and me. Now maybe he has or hasn't been working on that file since he left, but he hasn't deleted it either."

Kate was confused, and still frustrated.

"What does that have to do with his cutting off you three?"

"Nothing really. But my point is he hasn't completely cut ties with you."

Lanie picked up the flash drive.

"This thing could be a lifeline between you two. He was angry at you and left without telling you, but he didn't get rid of it. He still cared enough to keep it, and he ultimately gave it to you even though he knew how much it could hurt you."

Lanie took Kate's hand, placed the drive into her palm and curled her fingers into a fist.

She stood to leave, and leaned over the bed to hug her friend.

"It could break the two of you, Kate… or it could make you. You just have to decide what's more important – his wanting to keep you safe because he loves you – or his supposed betrayal by looking into this without you."

She walked toward the door.

"Think about it, Sweetie, but don't be too long in calling him. Whatever you decide… don't run away again."

XXXXXX

It had been three days.

Three days of nothing. When the telephone did ring, it wasn't her. What a surprise.

Rick was holed up in his study, staring at a bottle of scotch.

He had sworn he wasn't going to do this; hide in his darkened office to drown himself.

And he hadn't… yet.

Okay, fine. He was hiding in the office, but he'd held off on the scotch so far. The only problem was; the liquid gold was beginning to be far too tempting to resist for much longer.

"Call Lanie. She'll light a fire under my ass."

It was a plan – but damn it, Kate said she'd call so she should do it. She shouldn't use Lanie as a crutch.

So no. He wouldn't call Lanie. And if Kate hadn't called him by the end of the week… well, he guessed he had his answer.

He reached for a glass, then froze.

'Not doing this, dammit!'

He wished Alexis or his mother were home to help take his mind off of things, but his daughter was at the library with friends preparing for finals, and Hurricane Martha had a date that Rick really didn't want to know anything about.

So he was stuck by himself, with only the booze to keep him company.

Castle sighed, frustrated. This was not doing him any good.

He stood and made his way to the bookshelves, deciding on a John le Carré spy novel to lose himself in while waiting for Alexis to come home.

This kind of drowning he could do.

He had settled in and had been reading about ten minutes, when he heard a knock at the door.

'Who could that be, this late?' he thought, as he glanced at his watch.

Figuring Alexis had forgotten her key, (he was expecting his mother to slink in just before Alexis left for school tomorrow morning) Rick ignored the peephole and opened the door.

"Beckett?"

XXXXXX

A/N2: What did you think?