Kate approached the nurses' station and Rose looked up at her, sharing a warm tender smile.
"Good morning Rose, did -" Covering her mouth, Kate released a yawn mid-sentence, "Excuse me -"
Rose shrugged it off, "No need to apologize Dr. Austen, residents and sleep-deprivation go hand in hand. What were you going to ask me?"
"Yes, I was just rounding the unit and I had a question for Dr. Shephard about one of his patients, Mr. Pickett, he's the one in room 327, he's the one with the two centimeter shift from the subdural. His INR is supratherapeutic and I wanted to speak to him about that."
"Dr. Shephard is out of the hospital until next week. He's in Los Angeles, but Dr. Andersen is covering his patients." Rose answered.
A nurse, her name was … Kelly chimed in over Rose's shoulder, "Dr. Shephard is back home with his fiancée working on his wedding plans."
Kate's eyes dipped slightly and she breathed a tiny, "Oh. I see." Rose recognized the look of disappointment on Dr. Austen's face, it was brief, but very noticeable. She felt for the poor girl, clearly the feelings on Dr. Austen's end were not resolved. Rose looked at Kelly and her smirk, she was obviously wagering on Dr. Shephard getting married in that ridiculous office pool.
Clearing her throat, Kate informed the nurses, "Thanks. I'll look for Dr. Andersen then." Turning her back to the nurses, Kate walked to the elevator and she then dashed away a tear.
She felt so stupid, a feeling that seemed to come with more frequency and force during the past year. What was she even thinking then? That wearing a pretty dress and having a drunk, very drunk Jack whispering into her ear was going to miraculously change things between them? She had gone home that night, carrying a little glimmer of hope that he may want to give their relationship another chance, but no. He was in L.A. picking out tablecloths and the reception entrees. What a fool she was.
Why was here? It wasn't as if his opinion mattered in the scheme of things, he felt like a guest standing there. Sarah and her mother were the ones calling all the shots - where to have the rehearsal dinner, what flowers were to be selected for the floral arrangements, what color theme for the napkins. And as far as he was concerned, it didn't matter what venue they tried, all the food on the tasting menus invariably had the same flavors and texture. He reached for the collar of his shirt and loosened it, suddenly feeling a bit confined and needing to breathe.
Taking advantage of a much distracted Sarah and Betsy consulting with the wedding planner, Jack backed away into a quiet corner so he could take a peek at his phone. He then checked his pager and with much disappointment, he noticed that he hadn't missed anything from the hospital. He frowned, he didn't want to be here standing in some restaurant, he should be treating patients, he should be training the first years … he … he needed to see her and try to explain himself to her about the other night. He held out a small hope that she was at least half as inebriated as he was and then contrarily he hoped she was completely sober. He couldn't keep Kate off of his mind, the way she looked, her intoxicating scent that he could never describe except to say it was just … Kate.
Sarah hadn't mentioned Kate since the fundraiser a few days ago and he certainly wasn't going to bring her up. Actually, the following day all she would discuss was this trip to L.A. and finalizing the wedding plans. He looked up at the women who were still in deep conversation and he wondered, What am I doing?
It was chilly outside as she made her way to the consignment shop. In her shopping bag was the gown, she called the store in advance and the woman told her that it was a sought after dress and she would easily get about half of what she paid for it. For some reason she couldn't explain, Kate stopped mid-step, swiveled her head about and saw Jack walking on the sidewalk in her direction. He looked good she thought. Wearing jeans, a short black close fitted down puffer jacket and grey knit hat. He saw her and in an almost cautious gesture he lifted his hand and gave her a brief wave. As he got closer, she noticed the hair growth on his slightly pink cheeks, he tilted his head bashfully and smiled, "Hey."
"Hey." It came out in a small sound that choked her throat. She sucked in her bottom lip, not sure what to say to him since the last time they spoke at the fundraiser.
Jack looked down at her, the way Kate's green thick scarf slung into careless loops around her neck. She was so lovely … and so near.
"I guess it was bound to happen, huh?"
Kate's brows lifted in that way they always did when she didn't understand something, "I'm sorry. I don't -"
"We live only a few blocks away from one another, it's odd that we haven't bumped into each other on the street before."
She smiled and shook her head, "Maybe it's because you make me slave away at the hospital 24/7. Speaking of, I thought you were out of town until the end of the week."
Jack's eyes crinkled at her suggestion … her joke, "Oh yeah? I'm a slave driver? I cut my trip short, I didn't want to fall too far behind at work." His eyes squinted as he smiled, "So are you at least enjoying your couple of hours of freedom you have been granted?"
Kate chuckled, "I'm just running some errands actually." She lifted the shopping bag, slightly as if trying to prove that she was indeed doing just that.
"Shopping?"
"Not exactly. I'm actually selling a dress at the shop down the street."
Jack knew which one she was referring to and it made him draw a slight frown. She looked so beautiful in it, it seemed a shame for her to no longer have it.
"I thought you looked really nice in it."
She grinned, Jack always had a knack for reading her mind in certain situations, the fact that he knew what dress she was referring to. "Thanks. I don't really have much use for it though. It's not like I have any big events in the near future."
Her last comment drew an uncomfortable glance from Jack before he looked down at his shoes. Kate noticed the gesture, the one that he always leaned on in awkward social situations. His upcoming wedding. The proverbial elephant in the room.
He looked up and fisted his hands into the front pockets of his jeans, "About the other night, what I said -"
Kate chewed on the side of her mouth. She didn't want him to say anything, to take away from the moment, to try to make excuses. "You know Jack, don't worry about it, okay? I think we all had a little too much to drink." She offered a warm smile meant to comfort him.
He nodded, understanding that she didn't want to discuss that moment they shared, so he shrugged his shoulders, "I'll see you at the hospital, later?"
"Yeah."
Jack stepped into the elevator of the hospital library and punched the '2' button. The neuro wing was a zoo today, it must be spring fever or something Jack thought. There wasn't a quiet corner to be found. The ER was beyond capacity and the overflow went straight to his wing. He stepped off to the right and proceeded to look for an available, but remote spot. As he rounded another corner, he saw her. Her elbow was propped on the table with her cheek resting on her open palm. He couldn't tell if she was reading or had drifted off to sleep. He approached the table from directly across her, he pulled out the chair in order to sit. His movement made her stir and she looked up. She had been sleeping he thought.
"Hey, sorry to bother you." He whispered to her with a sheepish grin.
In a groggy voice she answered, "Hey. Yeah, no worries, I needed to get back to work anyways."
She gave him a little smile before re-focusing on the papers in front of her. A few seconds later she felt the hair on the back of her neck rise. She knew he was staring at her.
She tilted her head to the side and rolled her eyes at him. With curled lips and a hint of irritation she asked, "What?"
Suddenly, he was drawn back in time, about eight years ago.
"What?" she asked. Her head was tilted to the side and she gave him an exaggerated roll of the eyes.
"Nothing."
She looked at him and shrugged her shoulders and resumed her studying. It was 9:30 on a Friday night. She was probably the only freshman on campus that wasn't out having some fun. However, dating an older hyper competitive med student dead set on graduating one year early meant that much of her time was spent with him in the library.
She resumed her reading and then heard the faintest tapping on their shared table. She looked up and she could see Jack gently rapping his fingertips on the surface. He must have been restless or maybe just burned out from all the hours of studying.
"Can you please stop? I can't concentrate with you doing that and it's annoying to boot." She lifted her chin up in the direction of the offending digits.
"Oh, sorry about that. Didn't even realize I was doing it."
She went back to her reading, but she could feel him staring at her again.
"NOW what is it? If you're restless, take a walk and come back. Jeez."
Jack chuckled, Kate had her grumpy moments, that was for sure.
He reached over and touched her smooth shoulder. He began to absentmindedly finger the thin spaghetti strap of her blue sundress. He loved it on her, with its tiny ivory lotus flower print sprinkled throughout. They had been shopping in some fashionable part of Santa Monica when he saw it in the window. He had dragged her in to the store to try it on. In the fitting room, Kate snuck a look at the price tag and nearly keeled over. She refused to let him buy it and stormed out of the boutique. He asked the sales associate to set it aside and told her that he would call later and pay for it over the phone. A few days later, she opened the wrapped box and lifted it out of the voluminous tissue. She gave him a reproachful look and opened her mouth to reprimand him, but stopped when she saw the happy expression on his face. She instead draped it across her front and fingered the delicate silk fabric. With a glance downward, she bashfully admitted to him, "I REALLY did want this dress." Jack broke into a wide smile,"I know you did, Kate."
Jack's thoughts went back to that tiny strap and he continued to glide his index finger between the silk and her skin. She put down her pen and looked at him trying to read his thoughts. She chewed her lower lip and just watched him stroke her in his almost trancelike state. He lifted his eyes and looked at hers.
"Will you let me see you, Kate?" He then gazed at her chest.
She giggled nervously and furtively looked around their surroundings, "Are you crazy? We're in a public place. Get back to work. Pervert!"
He whispered back, "It's Friday night, almost 10:00 pm and not a single person has come into this section in the last 2 hours. And maybe I am crazy."
She searched for some truth in his words as she read his facial expression and judging by the dark color of his eyes, it appeared that he was serious.
Kate huffed, "No Jack. Stop it." She then took sight of the almost desperate look he gave her.
His hand never moved from her shoulder and she let out a heavy sigh, "Fine."
She glanced around the room again and without thinking she quickly lowered the bodice of her dress to expose her left breast. He smiled, but barely had a chance to stroke the pink tip before she whipped up the top to cover herself.
"There, okay?! Satisfied? Are we done now?" Kate quipped.
"Hey, not so fast! I barely had a chance to see," he exclaimed. His playful irritation evident in his eyes.
"You've seen what I look like Jack."
Kate's cheeks were flushed and her bashfulness only egged Jack on more. "How about you take off your underwear then?"
Kate shut her book and prepared to stand up but was stopped by the gentle, but strong grip on her wrist.
She gave him a curious look and whispered, "How about we finish this at home, Jack?"
His eyes were dark and Jack slowly shook his head, "I can't wait."
Kate sighed and leaned back in her chair. She brought her hand to the side of her cheek and rubbed her thumb against her chin as she considered what he was proposing.
"Jack someone may SEE us…" she whispered in protest.
"Not if we're quick."
She deliberated for a few minutes. Challenging him with her steely expression.
But then he saw her lift her behind off the chair and move her hands underneath her dress, after a few tugs and some maneuvering of her legs, she presented a little ball of black lace fabric. She gestured for Jack to take it from her - which he eagerly did.
He pushed back his chair, stood up and went to her side of the table. Jack stood behind her, gently placing his hands on her shoulders while he lifted her hair and bent over to lay a feathery kiss along the the side of her neck.
Her heart was racing as he pulled back her chair and extended his palm to help her stand up.
Gripping her hand, Jack led her past one aisle after the next, his state of sexual excitement making empty aisles a blur in his desperation to find them a private location. He tugged her along until they approached the shelved wall in a quiet-looking corner. His eyes wandered to her breasts before pushing her back against the metal racks. The earlier look of lust combined with his rough movements made her nervous … in the best way possible.
His hand reached around the back of her waist and jerked her forward so her pelvis was flush against his. She still couldn't believe that he had convinced her to do this. She didn't recognize herself. Sex in public places? Never.
Kate moved her hand in between them so her fingers could work and fumble with his zipper. But before she had the chance to tug it down, he gripped her hand and kissed her cheek. He nudged her hips around so she would face the wall. A smile crept across her face, now understanding how he wanted this done. She shuddered as she felt his hot breath on the back of her neck and moaned when he began to place kisses along the sensitive skin. His hands reached around and cupped her breasts.
"God, I love you" he moaned.
His breathing became more heavy and his movements awkward. Half conscious with desire, he pulled down the zipper on the back of her dress. Kate was about to protest and ask him to let her keep it on, but before the words left her mouth, the blue fabric was already pooled at her feet. Although, to be honest, the thought of how she must look to his eyes made her even more aroused. Kate watched him move to unzip his pants. He was so turned on, his hand unconsciously began to stroke and attempt to ease his erection.
Kate felt him take a shaky hold of himself and push into her. She had to keep herself from screaming when he pressed his right hand on the dip of her lower back.
"Oh god." Kate whispered, trying desperately to keep her eyes open. "Don't stop. Please. I want it harder." She couldn't believe she was actually saying this, actually begging for it now.
Those words almost did him in, because 'hard' was pretty much the only way this was going to happen. He squeezed his eyes shut so he could focus, fearful that this would be over too soon. His body was so worked up from driving into her as hard as she asked for, he forced himself to slow down and abruptly pulled out and spun her around. He hoisted her up and lowered her onto himself and she instinctually wrapped her legs around his waist.
"Yeah. Fuck," he groaned, dipping his forehead against the wall next to her head. Kate could feel the stubble of his five o'clock shadow against her cheek as she gripped his shoulders for support. She then buried her face into the side of his neck, closing her eyes as he drove her towards the edge. He sucked on her shoulder, the only way he could keep quiet as he pulled her down onto him by her waist and thrust up several times before letting out a growl and letting go.
They stood motionless, leaning against the shelves, spent, stunned and trying to comprehend what they just did. Their breathing was ragged and vision hazy.
"I can't believe that just happened." Kate huffed into his neck, feeling his quickened heartbeat pounding against her chest.
"Neither can I." He chuckled, still wide-eyed.
She nuzzled her nose against his ear, "How about next time I get to pick the section?"
Jack peered up to read the plaque hanging in their aisle, "What? You don't like American Agriculture?"
Kate grinned.
Jack squinted his eyes, "Wait, did you just say 'next time' -?
A sound jolted them into awareness, they could hear the shuffling sound of footsteps and squeaking sound of a library cart in the distance. Kate quickly reached down for her dress as Jack adjusted his pants. Jack had barely helped Kate zip up her dress when the librarian stopped to peer in their aisle. Their awkward motions made it clear what they had been up to. Fearing that they would get in trouble, the two raced past the cart and hastily collected their belongings.
"Jack?"
Kate's voice pulled him back into awareness.
"Hey, you okay?" She asked him.
He rubbed the top of his scalp and looked at her with a guilty, but bemused sort of expression. "Yeah, I'm fine." A flood of heat ran up his neck, his thoughts clearly still lingering on their first time in the library. He briefly wondered if she still wore that dress, the blue one that he apparently drew so much inspiration from.
Kate quirked her right eyebrow and drew a skeptical look, "Riiiiight. What were you really thinking about, Jack?" She could have sworn she saw the same recognition in his eyes. Her gut was telling her that his mind had been preoccupied with the memory of their library trysts back in the day. Well, at least that is what came to her mind seeing him in this setting again. Frankly, she was never able to think of libraries in quite the same way.
Knowing her expression too well, Jack did his best poker face and tipped his head and gave it a small shake while grinning, "Well, I sure as hell wasn't thinking that."
"Liar." Kate challenged, a cute impish grin played on her lips.
"Okay, then what I was thinking?" Jack urged ... daring her to continue, before leaning back into the chair, his arms now crossed.
Kate smirked and looked around the library before whispering, "You were thinking about the blue dress and wondering whether I still had it."
He couldn't believe she had figured it out, but instead of letting her get the pleasure of knowing that she was right and that his mind had been absorbed by a sexual memory, he replied "Actually, I was thinking that if I performed another biopsy then Kevin Simpson-"
Kate released a tiny scowl and waved him off, "Okay. Okay. I got it."
She looked at her watch and realized that she needed to start her rounds. She stood up and as she walked away, she turned around.
"Jack-"
He lifted his head and looked directly at her, "Yeah?"
"The answer is 'yes', I still have it." She told him matter-of-factly before heading down the aisle. She felt giddy, it was the closest she had gotten to flirting with him in years, but she couldn't resist teasing him after catching that cat-who's-eaten-the-canary look on his face.
"Dr. Shephard, we've managed to reduce the patient's cranial pressure and ICP is now reading normal at 11 mmHg." Jack listened carefully to Kate and turned his head to look at her as they walked down the hallway to visit the patient in question.
"That's a positive development Dr. Austen. But remember, the patient is at a critical juncture, we still need to monitor for cerebral edema as the swelling may continue and peak within the next 48-72 hours."
Kate nodded and her expression was one of focus and concentration. She knew that if the ICP pressures skyrocketed and their patient developed significant cerebral edema to the point of herniation, he would likely die. "Of course, Dr. Shephard."
Kate furrowed her brow, and in a solemn voice just above a whisper she wondered, "Why didn't he just lock up the gun?"
Jack looked at her, he knew she was referring to the father of their 8 year old patient who was now fighting for his life with a gun-shot wound to the frontal lobe. The little boy was with his friend when they stumbled across the gun during the course of their play. And now here he was at their hospital, another tragic statistic. He stopped mid-step and gently tugged at her elbow. He was about to give her "The Speech", that talk that senior physicians are supposed to give to interns when they have a tough and emotional case, the same speech his father gave him years ago.
But instead he just looked into her eyes and nodded. His mouth was in a straight line and in a quiet voice he added, "I wish he locked up that gun too, Kate."
She detected the exhaustion in his chocolate brown eyes and if she didn't know him so well, she would have missed it. She tore her eyes away from his soulful gaze, the one that always disarmed her and turned her into putty. She tilted her head and hastily gestured that they head over to the patient.
They continued down the hallway when Kate heard a familiar voice call her name. She turned her head in its direction.
Her eyes widened and she felt thrown off-guard, she breathed a hasty "Hi Ryan" before she was able to regain her composure. "I mean, Hello Dr. Shaw."
She gave him a quick once over and noticed that he was wearing scrubs and a hospital badge.
Sensing her disorientation, Ryan let out a deep laugh. She still had that sweet, goofy awkward way about her. Some people never change, he thought quickly before flashing her that infamous grin of his, "Good to see you too Dr. Austen. It's been a while. Maybe a little too long."
He knew that he should be angry at her. Kate was the only woman to ever crush him and yet here he was under her spell again … even actually flirting with her. It wasn't as if he hadn't been tempted to call her after he ended whatever it was they had a couple of years ago. Two years was long enough to stop being angry he decided quickly after dragging his eyes over her body.
Jack looked at the other man and did his best not to glare. He rested his hands on his hips and quickly re-directed his disapproval on Kate before looking back at the handsome doctor.
Kate shifted her weight from one leg to the other. Her discomfort with the current situation growing ever more obvious. She looked up at Jack and he raised his eyebrows and gave her a jerk of his head, his irritation becoming increasingly more discernible the longer she waited to make the introduction.
All the while Ryan was oblivious to the tension growing between them as his eyes had not once removed themselves from Kate.
Kate chewed her lower lip, before exclaiming, "I'm sorry, I am being rude. Dr. Shephard, I would like you to meet Dr. Shaw. Ryan Shaw, this is Jack Shephard, my chief resident."
Ryan smiled at Jack and initiated a gesture to shake his hand, but stopped abruptly when he observed that Jack stood motionless, with his arms now firmly folded across his chest.
Ryan grinned, "Well it's a pleasure to meet you Dr. Shephard." The subtle sarcasm in his comment did not go unnoticed by Jack either.
In an attempt to break the awkward silence Kate added, "Dr. Shaw and I attended Columbia Med school together. He was a year ahead of me though …" Kate added before trailing off.
Beginning to feel like a fifth wheel, Jack looked at Kate before telling her, "I'm going to head over to the nurse's station before we check on our patient."
He then looked at Ryan and gave a perfunctory, "Nice to meet you too."
Kate watched him stride off before turning her attention back to Ryan. In an exasperated voice, but not unfriendly, she exclaimed, "What are you doing at this hospital, Ryan?" She then gestured to his badge. He looked down at the badge and touched it, "Oh this. Don't worry Kate. I 'm not working here. I just started volunteering two days a month at the pediatric burn center."
Kate shook her head, "That's not what I meant. I'm just surprised to see you here, that's all. You're still at Mt. Sinai?"
"Yep and still doing reconstructive surgery." He paused and drew a deep breath before adding, "Sooooo, neurosurgery, huh Kate? I was so certain you would enter a more challenging specialty. Not something lightweight like this."
Kate couldn't keep in the laugh, "Yeah, I was always one to take short-cuts."
"Shit Kate, I always knew you were intense, but neurosurgery? " He stopped so he could fully take in her appearance, she was still beautiful he thought to himself.
"But seriously, how are you doing? You look good - the same. Except …." He cocked his eyebrow, pulled back his head and rubbed his chin as if he were trying to figure something out. And then he took a couple of deliberate steps towards her.
He lifted his hand and gently drew a tendril of her brown curls between his fingers and played with it, "Except, your hair is shorter."
This very intimate gesture made Kate quickly suck in some air, she could feel the heat of his breath on her cheeks. She glanced downward before looking up into his blue eyes. Ryan took a step back and smiled. He looked over her shoulder and saw Jack leaning against the counter at the nurse's station, "You better head over to your boss now, he looks pretty annoyed."
Kate turned around and caught Jack looking in their direction before jerkily turning his head. She then faced Ryan, "Yeah, I gotta run…." Ryan began to back off in the opposite direction, but stopped himself.
"Uh Kate. Can I call you?"
She wasn't expecting this invitation, but that didn't stop her from smiling and saying "sure." Why shouldn't she say yes? Holding onto the past, namely Jack, their history was eating her alive each day.
She had already begun to consider transferring hospitals, she wouldn't be able to be around him when he was married this fall. Her stomach literally ached at the thought. She watched Ryan flash her a grin, give her a casual salute before turning on his heel and round the corner. She shook her head and walked over to Jack. Even from the distance, she could see that frowny face of his she remembered so well. Was its source possibly anger mixed with ... jealousy?
As Jack walked away en route to the nurses' station, a big part of him wanted to hang around and look at this guy who Kate obviously didn't want him to know about, barely wanted to introduce him to. He felt like there was more to it than a past educational history at Columbia, and judging from Kate's awkwardness and hesitance to introduce him, there was way more to the story.
Who was this guy? Why hadn't Kate mentioned that she had moved on in her romantic life? Granted they hadn't been together in years and their present situation as student and teacher prevented them from going there, yet he still felt burned that there were things about her that he didn't know. Since they had broken up so painfully and surprisingly fell back into each other's lives, Jack reminded himself. He couldn't expect her to trust him with this sort of information, not as easily as he desperately wanted her to. Before he wasn't sure what to make of Kate's friendship with Dr. Ford. But when it turned out that they were indeed only that, just friends, it made sense that she never bothered to elaborate. Kate must have just assumed it was obvious.
She had confided her dismay about their patient so effortlessly, but that was different, that was work. He sounded territorial in his own head, and worst of all, felt it. He wanted to keep his eyes on the chart in front of him and play at studying it for the millionth time before going to talk to their patient's parents, but he couldn't help the muscles in his neck contracting, his eyes landing on them. Just as he turned, the guy reached out to finger one of the tendrils at Kate's temple, a move that set Jack's jaw into an iron clinch. Searing possessiveness burned through him, his eyes bleeding with envy. He could also see, in the small move, that they had been intimate and this guy wanted to pick up where they'd left off. Kate stood motionless, not one move to deflect his advance. With that, Jack's heart sank a little.
As if sensing his eyes on her, Kate turned to him, and he jerked back around to the nurses' station, silently praying that he wasn't as obvious as he felt. He knew he had been, and would have to hustle through the rest of his rotation pretending that her getting on with her life didn't feel like a sharp knife threatening him with losing her forever. And ... why was he feeling this way?
A/N: So, I am doing my best to try to finish this story on FanFiction (we're getting close), but I am not certain I will continue here. Those That Remain will be completed elsewhere. I really wanted to stay, but the reality is that the lack of readership support and involvement has been distracting and sucking from my creative inspiration. I keep getting new follows and favorites (four new ones this week) and yet, 4 out of 5 of these readers have either left only one review or none (mostly the latter). It's disheartening and distracting at this point. I'm tired of asking for feedback and only the same small, loyal wonderful group care enough to respond and support my creativity and effort. So whether I finish this story here, is up to you. If you are reading it, you will need to let me know that, otherwise I will assume that you no longer care whether I finish this story on FF or not.
Frida, remember what I told you a while back about drawing from personal inspiration? Yes ;)
As always, a big thank you to those that have encouraged me to keep going.