Sarah could hear the clicking of her heels hit the hard and sterile surface of the Neurosurgery wing. Wearing a form fitting black pencil skirt and a deep purple sleeveless blouse on her trim and well maintained figure, she caught many a male roving eye as she walked the four block distance from her office to Jack's hospital. It was odd really, that they hadn't met up for lunch at least once since they moved here less than a year ago. Sarah would never admit it, but she did wonder if Jack had an inkling as to her sudden interest for them to now regularly meet up for lunch. He was a very smart man. But then again, Jack was always sort of clueless when it came to understanding women. A facet of him that she found frustratingly infuriating, yet boyishly endearing all at once.
She had been very careful to not mention Kate since the gala, trying so hard to conceal the fact that she was upended by meeting the infamous ex-girlfriend, the woman that broke his heart. Kate was more beautiful than she anticipated and didn't come across as the callous heartbreaker that she expected her to be, if she was, she sure didn't hint at it during their acquaintance. To Sarah, Kate was an enigma. Because Kate must have been flawed or naive to let a man like Jack slip through her fingers. Jack had always refused to discuss the circumstances that resulted in the demise of their relationship. But after their introduction, Sarah found herself obsessively spending hours trying to understand why Kate and Jack were no longer together. And that burning unanswered question propelled her into action, she was on a mission to visit him more often, to get his head back into their relationship instead of the hospital all the time. What was that expression? If the mountain won't come to Muhammad ...
Sarah located the nurses' station and inquired as to her fiancé's whereabouts. In his office, she was told. She wasn't certain, but she could have sworn she heard a snicker from the group of huddled women as she walked away. As she turned the corner, she stopped in her tracks when she spotted the two of them standing in front of his office. Both wearing light blue scrubs and sneakers, with his hands casually resting on his hips, Jack looked down at her as he animatedly spoke. Judging by the expression on his face, Sarah was able to recognize that he seemed deeply engaged in the topic they were discussing, his eyes were focused and intense. There was nothing untoward in their mannerisms, they kept a professional distance. No one would suspect that they shared a history, a complex one even … that they were lovers once upon a time.
She stood there, suddenly not knowing what to do. She didn't want to interrupt their conversation and she secretly preferred her vantage point, watching the two unbeknownst to them. She then heard a deep, enthusiastic laugh emit from Kate, the force of it pushing the brunette's head back and for her to brace her abdomen with her hand. The sound of her deep bellow apparently making Jack grin and smile back. Sarah wondered if her imagination was playing tricks on her, but she could have sworn his eyes twinkled as he gently touched Kate's upper arm to brace her from teetering forwards under the weight of her laughter.
Feeling very alone, like an outsider now, Sarah drew her brows and glowered. She couldn't remember the last time Jack made an attempt to draw laughter from her. But, apparently, he was taking the initiative here. She saw it … their connection. And, he looked … happy. Not only did they have a shared passion for medicine, but there was a subtle, yet raw sexual undercurrent there ... But she realized that she had no more time to wonder about what she saw before risking herself being caught spying on them. So she stepped forward.
"Hi Dr. Shephard," she greeted in a low husky voice before planting a kiss on his cheek. Sarah smiled, avoiding Kate's eyes and then added with an air of awkwardness, "Hello Kate. Nice to see you again." Sarah's face clouded as she gave Kate's hand a gentle squeeze of a handshake.
"I'm fine thank you-" Kate uttered, caught by complete surprise with her sudden presence.
Sarah didn't allow Kate to finish her sentence before taking hold of Jack's forearm and turning to him, "Are you ready for lunch?"
Jack looked at both women, his face underwent a brief contraction of unease before addressing Sarah, "Sure, we'll need to cut it short though, unfortunately. I was just scheduled a few extra consults. Can we go to the cafeteria today?"
He then turned to Kate and offered a half-smile, Kate nodded before leaving them with a tactful, murmured excuse. Once out of their sight, Kate breathed hard, hastily brushing aside a curl. Her heart contracted and then it hit her, in wanting so badly to win his approval, working tireless hours, she was attaching herself more to him each day. Jack was getting married, she had no choice but to move on. For her own sanity. It was crazy to keep holding onto some hope that something would change just because she felt that Jack was the only one that would satiate her male-starved self. She was lonely. Maybe she should return Ryan's call?
As a general practice, Kate would wait until Jack left the hospital before she would leave. She convinced herself that by staying late, she was making a solid impression of her work ethic. She tried not to think that it had anything to do with the fact that she didn't have anything or anyone to rush home to. Only Sam was her constant, the man that she set aside some dedicated time for.
Nonetheless, Jack would notice her habit of overworking, staying at the hospital, finding busy work to excuse her to stay longer, he always told her to go home, but she stayed. Kate insisted on finding reasons to learn more and become a better surgeon. Tonight though, Kate had lingered long enough and it seemed that Jack would never leave, even though it was a Friday night.
Kate found him in his office, the sleeves of his light blue shirt rolled up and his tie askew. Upon seeing him, her first reaction was that Jack was tired and working too hard. His face, lit starkly by the desk lamp, was pale against the faint circles under his eyes. And it was summer, nonetheless. Shouldn't he have that slight shade of pink running across the bridge of his nose and cheeks? That's how she always remembered him looking in July. Kate then wondered if he ever slept, whether Sarah even saw him outside the hospital at this point. Kate had recently noticed that Sarah began a routine of making more random appearances at the hospital - whether it was to share lunch or to bring him take-out dinner. The visits were usually brief, but always seemed exacted in nature. Kate couldn't put her finger on it, but she had the distinct impression that Jack was being checked on.
Jack felt someone standing in the door jamb and he looked up.
"Hey."
Kate smiled at his informal greeting. Usually, while in the hospital he was formal and referred to her as Dr. Austen, but lately she noticed that he would often plunge into their old way of talking to each other.
She liked it ... very much.
"Hey."
Jack leaned back in his chair and scrutinized her, the natural and instinctive smile he had for her now slowly fading. She had changed out of her scrubs, obviously showered and put on a snug-fitting red dress - she looked beautiful. Too beautiful. He then tried to tuck away the frown that he could feel inching across his face. She was going out on a date, no doubt. He knew it and it bothered him a hell of a lot more than he cared to admit or knew he was entitled to feeling. Kate deserved a life, he was engaged for … chrissake!
They looked at each other for a moment. Kate straightened up a little, "Jack, I'm done with my rounds, so unless there's anything else, I'll be heading out."
This was a rarity, Jack thought. Kate was usually the one to make sure she was the last to leave. His eyes scanned her again and he couldn't resist asking, doing his best to sound casual and nonchalant,"You have plans tonight?" It ended up sounding more like a statement than a question.
Kate raised an eyebrow and shifted the weight on her legs before carefully answering, "Uhm, yeah. Dinner. At a restaurant."
He knew he shouldn't venture there, but there was no stopping him now. His habit of masochism still obviously alive and thriving. "Going with anyone I know?" His voice came across more dry and raspy (desperate) than he cared for.
Jack's unexpected question made her eyes widen. It was uncomfortably surreal, never had she thought she would be talking to Jack about another man ... about going on a date. Because, in every way, Jack was the only man. This frustrating and agonizing situation that they have found themselves in … again … sucked. There were moments all she wanted to do was grab him by the face and kiss him, to crawl onto him and shatter any pretense that they meant nothing to each other, that they were nothing more than colleagues.
Clearing her throat again, she said, "Well sort of. I'm going out with Dr. Shaw. As you may recall, I … I introduced you to -"
"I remember." Jack said, interrupting her sentence. He already knew the answer before she gave it to him. He had eyes, he saw the way the guy looked at her and he hated it.
"Well enjoy yourself." He said it calmly, but felt a lump grow in the pit of his stomach. He looked down at his desk, not wanting to watch her walk away, as if he could foresee the future unfold and felt helpless to prevent it.
Kate swallowed hard, uncertain what to make of his comment. She could have sworn she detected a vaguely pained expression pass across his face before he looked down at some files on his desk. Was he being sincere? Did he even care? She stood a moment longer than she needed to, not even certain why she didn't just leave. If he would have looked up, he would have seen her wounded, searching 'please don't marry her, pick me' look.
"Good night, Dr. Shephard."
"Good night, Dr. Austen."
Later that night, Jack tossed and turned on his bed before finally resting on his back and hopelessly staring at the ceiling, trying to guess when Kate would be home, or worse if she would even return to her apartment at all.
The elevator doors opened and Juliet stepped in. Like Kate, she was dressed in scrubs and wearing her hair pulled back, also apparently on her way to work at the hospital. Juliet grinned, "So how did it go last night?"
Kate looked at Juliet who was watching her, wearing that hopeful look for Kate to provide some wild, back-clawing detail.
"If you're wondering whether I slept with him, the answer is no." Kate answered matter-of-factly before looking straight ahead again, waiting for the doors to open to the lobby of their apartment building.
Juliet sighed, "I wasn't asking that. I just wanted to know if you had fun. Whether you enjoyed yourself. You deserve to have fun Kate."
"I know." A hint of irritation was evident in her voice. Of course she knew that.
"Really? Because I wonder sometimes, Kate." Juliet was exasperated with her best friend. Often she wondered what the hell was going on in Kate's head. Was Kate ever going to set her demons free?
They both walked out of their building, the steamy wall of Manhattan summer heat hitting them instantly before they veered towards the nearby coffee bar. While they stood on line, Kate offered, "We went to Atlantic Grill and then he walked me home."
"That's it?" Juliet asked incredulously. The date must have gone terribly then, she presumed. That was not Ryan's style at all. Maybe he hadn't moved on from their break up.
"Yeah."
It had surprised Kate too, she had expected him to proposition her, or at least invite himself up to her apartment. But instead Ryan was a … gentleman. He gave her a peck on the cheek and wished her good night in the lobby. And ... Kate had enjoyed herself more than she wanted to admit. He seemed different, more mature and enthusiastic when discussing his volunteer work.
"Do you think you'll see him again?" Juliet asked, while swatting at the bead of sweat that ran down her brow.
"Well, we're going out again on Tuesday," Kate responded casually.
As they neared the hospital, Juliet stopped mid-step and gently grabbed Kate's arm, "Do you want me to write you a scrip for some birth control?"
Kate paused for a moment and shrugged her shoulders, "Yeah, why not?" Hadn't she vowed to herself to start making the extra effort to move on?
With coffee cup still in hand, Kate rounded the corner to the Neurosurgery wing and even though she arrived punctually, it seemed as if Jack had been waiting for her because he seemed to come out of nowhere calling her name.
"Dr. Austen!"
Surprised, she raised her eyebrows at Jack and detected a hint of anxiousness in his voice. "Dr. Shephard?"
"Can you follow me? An interesting case came in today and I want you to tell me what you think and whether you want to work on it."
There was enthusiasm in his gait, Kate could see that his wheels were turning. She knew that he always loved an academic or professional challenge.
Jack led her to an exam room and then up to the x-rays on the lit screen.
Pointing to the lower T6 - T12 region, Jack began, "Look here and here. You can see it's rotting out there and then there is all this extra dural growth - I'm surprised it hasn't caused permanent ischemia. Your thoughts?"
Kate's eyes narrowed on the patient's x-ray before her, wondering if this was even operable. And even if it was, was she even the appropriate person to shadow him on this? Panic, insecurity and then … euphoria came over her. She sputtered, "Jack, I mean Dr. Shephard, am I the right person for you to be asking? Perhaps a third or fourth year resident should be on this case. I mean, I just started my second year -"
Jack's body shifted, so that he was now facing her. His expression was intense and even though they were discussing a patient she felt that familiar and palpable connection when their eyes met, he must have felt it too, because he suddenly needed to take a subtle stumble back.
There was a pause as if to allow them to recalibrate themselves.
"You can do this Kate." The conviction in his heavy voice, the way his eyes emoted his confidence in her abilities withered all the self-doubt she had.
She knew what this would mean - longer days and nights, if that were even possible. Working on this patient's case would take much of her already limited time, it would also mean the two of them would be interacting more. She would be placing her career and herself entirely in his hands, while pretending not to know that she was doing just that. Her earlier conviction to create that much needed distance between them now all but disappeared.
After a brief pause, she breathed. "Yes. I'll do it."
Lying on her sofa, Ryan was on top of her, kissing her clavicle while his hands roamed over the soft curves that he desperately tried to forget over the past two years - but couldn't. They had been dating over a month now, but had barely spent a moment alone together. Between his schedule and hers, they managed to sneak in a movie or two and a few dinners or evening cocktails. And although, he wanted to play this right and go slow, he was now eager to get back to that physical level they once shared.
His hand cupped her breast, kneading it above the thin cotton of her t-shirt and Kate couldn't deny that she enjoyed the gentle squeeze, the way he was slowly working her body into something of a lather. She had deprived herself of sex for so long now. And to heighten matters and senses more, the recent constant and close proximity with which she was working with Jack had surprisingly stirred her sleeping libido. She found herself taking more furtive glances in Jack's direction, thinking of him nearly all the time, daydreaming even. Usually imagining herself in one of the call rooms, yanking at the drawstring of his light green scrubs, kneeling down and taking him into her mouth ….
And then her head jerked back in response to the familiar sound of the vibrating pager resting on her coffee table. But Ryan was relentless, refusing to allow the device to interrupt his heated and eager hands that were working away at her on Kate's sofa.
Ryan breathed into her ear, "Don't answer it."
Kate let him continue to kiss her neck while his fingers worked madly at the button of her shorts. But it was too late. She knew that Ryan was aware that she couldn't ignore a work call.
Using both her hands to press against his chest, stilling him just enough so she could push him slightly away from her, she sat up. Groaning, he followed suit, placing his feet carefully on the rug and leaning his forearms on his knees. "It's him again," Ryan grumbled while Kate adjusted herself on the sofa.
Kate peeked over her shoulder to find him now rubbing his temples before she answered the page. Ryan listened to her conversation, but he didn't need to eavesdrop to know that she would comply and agree to return to the hospital.
"Does that guy ever let up? Doesn't he know you have a life?" He said, sounding more than a little frustrated.
Kate gave Ryan a sympathetic look, "I'm sorry. It's just this one case … it's demanding ... but it will get better soon. I promise."
A sweet look of boyish disappointment and insecurity swept across his face, "I know. It just seems like the guy has some kind of sixth sense when it comes to you and me being alone. I swear to fucking god. It's like EVERY time we're together, he has you paged." He paused and swallowed before tentatively asking,"Do you think it's possible that he may want something more from you?"
It humiliated him to mention the suspicions he had about the surgeon's ulterior motives, but Ryan was astute enough to see that her chief resident was a good looking guy ... and the thought had also crossed his mind before. He felt like there was something going on there besides work.
Kate considered what he said for a moment, whether it was just a coincidence and if there was any truth about Jack's motives. But she didn't like seeing the subtle look of hurt on Ryan's face, so instead she gave a quick toss of her hair and with a look of deliberate mischief, she scrunched her upturned nose before placing a soft kiss on his full lips. "You're imagining things. Besides, Jack's engaged."
"Yeah, I'm sure," Ryan said, barely managing to purge the sarcasm in his voice - especially after she so casually referred to him by his first name.
Ryan wanted to give her some advice and let her know that when it came to men, it didn't necessarily matter that he was engaged. But instead he shrugged his shoulders in resignation, although he wasn't wholly satisfied with her answer.
It was late, very late. Jack tried his best to not make any noise and inadvertently stir Sarah awake by his movements. He quietly stripped down to his boxers and white undershirt. He didn't even bother to remove his socks as he collapsed onto the bed over the sheets. No sooner were his eyes closed when he could hear the click of the switch to their bedside lamp and see the slight illumination through his shut lids. He slowly turned his head to Sarah's side of the bed and she was already sitting up alert and wide awake - as she had obviously been for some time.
"Sarah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up-"
Curtly, Sarah responded, "Stop it Jack, you know I wasn't sleeping."
She was right, he did know that. And now he realized that she must have been stewing for hours.
"Another emergency at the hospital?"
"Yeah, I know it's the third time this week. I'm sorry-"
She clenched her eyes shut, feeling frustrated by the fact that all her efforts of late seemed to have no positive impact on his behavior, if anything he seemed to be home even less now. Hurt, angry and exasperated, Sarah barked, "Stop it! Stop saying that you're sorry! Instead why don't you just stop doing those things that you keep apologizing for."
Jack felt guilty, he knew that he has been absent, but he was also so exhausted and not in the mood to get into an argument right now.
"Okay, you're right, but can we please talk about this tomorrow?"
"Jack, I want us to go back to California." It came out whiny and that made her feel more pathetic.
Her statement didn't really come as a surprise to him, recently she began mentioning being homesick and that she felt lonely in New York.
"We can't go back to L.A., at least not for a while anyway-"
"Why?! Why can't we go now?" He voice came out almost in a shrill, but her pain was detectable.
The intense hours, the stress of the upcoming surgery, the impending wedding, it was all taking its toll and Jack could feel his patience being tried, but instead he kept his tone even and calm, "Well, for starters, I wouldn't have a job."
"Your dad will find you one-"
"Sarah, it's not that simple. Positions like mine are very limited. My dad pulled every string imaginable to get me this placement in New York. It's a damn miracle he managed to even secure this for me. And even, if by some remote chance I was able to find something, it is highly unlikely it would be in neurosurgery. My career would be derailed. There's no going back, at least not now, Sarah."
Jack sighed and for the briefest second, he wondered if he was coming across as condescending.
"No, your dad can get your old spot back-"
"No, no he can't. That position has been filled. And they're not going to replace that person because the son of the Chief of Surgery changed his mind after a year."
Sarah's shoulders slumped, evidence of a woman close to her breaking point. She looked downward while her fingers played and twisted at the duvet cover. She hated feeling this way - she knew she looked desperate … even pitiful and that was a sure-fire way to implode her relationship. And as insecure she felt, her indignation rivaled it. Sarah's face then reddened and the chords in her neck looked as if they might snap, "Why don't you just admit it? Admit that the only reason you don't want to go back is her!"
There! She had finally said it. Stated the obvious. Let him explain himself now, she thought.
Jack tried to hide his guilty expression, "Her? What are you talking about?"
Jack' s utter bullshit response nearly sent Sarah into an apoplectic rage. She could contain herself no longer and with her index finger raised and shaking her head, she cried, "Don't! Just don't. You know who I'm talking about. Fuck you!"
Jack had never seen her so angry before, so he took a deep breath before responding calmly, "Sarah, do I need to remind you that it was your idea to come to New York. I came here and I did it for you, Sarah."
Sniffling and wiping her runny nosy with the back of her hand, she icily told him "I used to think that was the real reason. But now I think you actually came here for you - to get away from your father and be closer to … her."
Sarah's eyes were broken and with a quivering lip and air of desperation she tentatively asked, "Are you sleeping with her, Jack?"
He winced at her question, it felt like a slap. Sarah's words echoed in his mind, he felt almost transported back in time when he was a boy overhearing arguments between his parents. The way his mother would cry and hurl some unfamiliar woman's name. He motioned to take hold of her hand, but she quickly drew it away from his reach. His eyes watered, "No, of course not. I would never do that to you. Ever. I'm with you."
Sarah stared into his eyes and ... she believed him. She didn't think he was sleeping with Kate …not yet anyway. But uncertainty still lingered because she didn't feel like Jack was with her.
"You keep saying that, but are you really with me? Because it sure doesn't feel like it. You haven't even slept with me in over a month!"
"C'mon, Sarah," He groaned. But she was right, their sex life was borderline non-existent at this point. How could that possibly bode well?
She abruptly turned her back to him and he saw that there was to be no more talking tonight and as awful as it sounded, he was grateful for it. She then got off the bed, violently grabbed her pillow and the spare blanket that rested by the edge.
Confused, Jack asked, "Where are you going Sarah?"
"To the living room. I'm sleeping on the sofa."
Jack shook his head as he began to reach for his pillow, "No, I'll go -"
"Jack, I'm sleeping on the sofa. You need your rest, I'm sure there will be some emergency you have to fix tomorrow."
And with those final words, she turned around and slammed the door.
Jack sighed and rubbed the inner corners of his eyes with his index and forefinger. He could still feel his heart pounding from the heat of their argument. He closed his eyes and considered her words and the validity of them. Was she right about his true motives in moving here?
Claire was down to the last piece of furniture in Jack's bedroom. Even though she had taken over the responsibility of his apartment over a year ago when she moved in, she had kept his place mostly intact. Using his furniture and sleeping in the guest room while she saved up money to buy furniture of her own. Christian had offered at least a dozen times to hire a decorator for her and pay for everything, but she declined. Preferring now to use her own hard earned money and newly found independence. The reality was that she was already getting a huge break just by living in Jack's apartment and only having to pay for the monthly condo maintenance fees.
Jack had told her that he was fine with donating it all to good will and so that is what she was doing. She was watching one of the movers load Jack's nightstand onto a dolly cart when she spotted a piece of paper that must of have been nestled under the furniture. Claire bent down to pick it up. She then turned it over and saw that it was a folded photo of Kate.
Claire smiled and a tender lump of nostalgia formed in her throat. Kate looked so sweet and ... young. Kate was perched on Jack's bed, in the center looking like a tiny ball against the rumpled bedding, with her jean clad legs folded and chin resting on her knees. Kate was even wearing that familiar crooked smile and it made Claire's grin grow wider.
Claire flipped the paper over and caught sight of the numbers printed on the back, her eyes then automatically settling on the date. Claire shook her head in confusion. That couldn't be right. So Claire quickly counted back and then she did the mental calculation again and again. And each time it took her to the same point in time - June of their senior year of high school. With shaky fingers, she flipped over the photo again to study all the details. And sure enough, there was no doubt that it was taken in this very room.
She clutched the photo to her chest and her heart ached. The anger, the betrayal, the lies ... those feelings she thought she should have, just weren't there. Instead, she felt like she finally understood her very private and complicated brother.
Jack was one of the most noble and ethical people she knew. And for him to cross the line like this, there had to be a reason. And it was simple really. Jack was in love, so much so that he would compromise his very sense of self, of what was right and wrong. Claire also knew that Kate was not calculating, not a temptress, so the way their relationship developed must have been an overpowering pivotal force that consumed them both.
Claire knew that Jack loved Kate, but the depths of it were unknown to her until now. And then she thought about Jack's engagement and how he seemed to be so emotionally detached from it all, especially since he moved to New York. A few times she had wondered why he was even going through with it.
Claire then contemplated her brother's stubborn personality. How misguided his good intentions could be at times, in his mind he probably believed that he was doing the right thing by fulfilling his commitment to a marriage he had hesitation about. He probably was even trying to make up for his past indiscretion all those years ago. But, it was clear as day to her now that his feelings for Kate were far from being resolved. Oh Jack.
Hello everyone, thank you so much for your continued support of this story. Your reviews mean the world to me. I hope you liked this chapter. It's more expositional than I prefer, but, anyway, I will let you all be the judge.
As always, I ask for only one thing. That you leave a review or comment to let me know that all my time spent on this is worth it. I'll only continue, if you let me know that's what you want.