Kate reached into her lab coat pocket, her fingers searching for her cash card to pay for the cup of tea and banana on the cafeteria counter. She stood a little straighter when she spotted Dr. McAdams, the Chief of Surgery standing nearby.
"Freckles."
Kate rolled her eyes in disapproval. He never seemed to get it. They were at the hospital.
"Dr. Ford, I'm at work if you haven't managed to notice," she said, shooting him a hot agitated look. How many times did she have to ask him to drop the nickname calling when there were colleagues around.
Grinning, he tipped his chin in that mock-serious way of his, enjoying the way he could get under her skin at times. "Oh. That's right, we're at the hospital. You'll have to pardon me … Dr. Freckles," he said with feigned apology. Kate shrugged her shoulders. Why bother?
"Should we grab a table?" Sawyer asked while leading them to an empty spot before sitting down.
"So how're ya doing?" He asked, his tone more serious before reverting back to his humorous self. "I miss you. Juliet misses you too. Poker night ain't the same without ya."
Kate couldn't help but smile, she chuckled, "I miss poker night too. I've been really busy … working on that case I told you about. There's also been more activity in the ER. Seems like there are more accidents during summertime, we've been admitting more head trauma cases lately."
Taking a sip of his coffee, he then tentatively asked, "How's it going with Ryan? Are you guys getting serious?" He watched her face carefully, attuned to the slightest flicker of emotion.
Kate looked down at her cup and started to fiddle with the string of the teabag. She debated whether to tell him that Ryan confessed to loving her the other night - that she couldn't reciprocate his words.
"Things are good. We're … progressing, " she said almost uneasily.
"Progressing? What the hell is that supposed to mean Freckles?"
Kate huffed, "Sawyer … please."
"Fine. Does he know about Jack?"
Kate suddenly ran her fingers anxiously through her hair and groaned, "No."
Sawyer's eyes popped, "What? What the hell are ya waiting' for? This ain't good. Kate, you have to tell him."
"How, Sawyer? Ryan blames Jack for us not working out the first time around. How am I going to explain to him that he's my boss now?"
Sawyer scratched the side of his face, "I don't know Freckles. All I'm saying is - you better come up with something good before Ryan hears about Dr. First Love from someone else at the hospital."
"You're depressing me."
Sawyer raised an eyebrow and looked past her, "And speaking of - "
Kate turned her head in the direction of Sawyer's gaze to see Jack walking to the counter, his hands dug deep into his lab coat pockets, his expression was serious and steady.
As if feeling her stare, Jack turned his head, his eyes now catching hers. He then gave her a grin so personal, that she looked away, as if embarrassed.
She sighed.
"So, Kate I noticed that you're no longer wearing that locket." Ryan stated in the middle of their dinner at a local restaurant.
Caught off guard, Kate asked, "What?" Without thinking, she reached for the phantom charm that used to rest in between the crease of her breasts, ready to finger it with the pad of her thumb.
Ryan looked at her fixedly, noticing her unconscious gesture and nodded, "Yeah, that locket."
He had been meaning to discuss it with her for a while now, especially when she didn't return his 'I love you' a couple of days ago. It hurt a little when she didn't respond in kind. It was a big step for him to share his feelings, now he was just waiting for her to come around, hoping that things could be different. Back in med school, when they dated, it was clear that she wasn't over her ex-boyfriend. The necklace and her defensiveness over it was a clear indication of that.
He grimaced when he recalled the only time he asked her about it. It happened the first night they were together. She had worn it the entire time and on more than one occasion the locket bumped into his face. So wasn't it natural that when they were both lying side by side on his bed, breathless and coming down from their high that he would reach over and inspect the smooth glistening pendant.
As much as he tried to avoid it, his mind drifted there anyway.
XXXXXXXX
He turned it over and barely had the chance to read the inscription before she ripped it from his fingers.
Startled by her sudden and almost violent reaction he asked defensively, "What ?-"
Kate brusquely lifted herself from the bed and then swung her legs over the side. She bent over and began to search for her clothes.
Ryan shot up, his voice distressed, "Wait a second! Kate what did I do wrong? What did I say? Who's 'J.S.'?"
Kate turned her head to peer at him over her right shoulder, "Nothing, you didn't do anything wrong, It's just … it's just - I can't sleep if I'm not in my own place."
He let out a tiny sigh of relief, shrugged and then motioned to gather his pants, "Fine, let's go to your place."
Kate froze, uncertain how to handle this uncomfortable situation tactfully. She turned to meet his eyes and gave him a look of caution. "Um... its nothing personal, its just... old habits, you know?"
Ryan's disappointment was obvious, but he quickly masked it with a conscious grin and a, "Fine, scram. Let me walk you home. though"
"It's just a few blocks away, I think I'll make it." She assured him as she pulled her sweater over her head.
"It's 4:30 in the morning, I'm walking you home, Kate." Ryan insisted.
Kate didn't bother to argue with him over it. She just sighed and they both got dressed in silence.
XXXXXXX
Kate looked at him pensively before answering, "Well, I suppose everyone has to move on some time, right?" She almost scoffed at the absurdity of her own lie.
Ryan smiled, "Ahhh, it was first love, that's always a tough one though." He paused, now realizing how his comment was hitting a little too close to home for him, he was still trying to grapple with his feelings for her. "How old were you? When you got together, I mean."
Kate's eyes drifted as if she were recalling a specific memory before she chuckled, "Young, it was during my senior year in high school, I was only eighteen."
"Eighteen? That's not too young. I lost my virginity way younger that."
Kate giggled bemusedly at his confession, "Oh Ryan, I have no doubt about that." She took another sip of her drink.
"Where did you go to high school again?" Ryan asked offhandedly, trying to keep the conversation flowing. Kate told him.
"So, wait a second. That's where my roommate from college graduated from. Do you know Stephen Williams?"
Kate took another bite of her salad, and it took a moment for her to answer him, "You asked me that before when we were at Columbia. I only attended that high school for one year, your friend graduated ahead of me."
Ryan shook his head playfully at his faulty memory, "You're right, I forgot that I asked you that already. You're an army brat and moved a lot."
"That's okay. I wouldn't expect you to remember." She smiled.
Ryan smiled back, took a thoughtful sip of his water, his thoughts once again returned to Kate's locket, "Your necklace, the inscription was 'J …. uhm…. S.' Right?"
Kate swallowed hard, the conversation now veering into that dangerous territory Sawyer warned her about. "You have a good memory," she finally said while running a finger around the rim of her wine glass.
The painful reminder made Ryan take a jaded bite of his steak, "How could I forget? But you're not wearing it anymore, does that mean J.S. is in the past? I mean, have you finally moved on?" He asked, desperate to figure out if his feelings for Kate were mutual. He was in love with her, did he have a snowball's hell in chance?
Kate now nervously played with the napkin resting across her lap before folding her hands a little tighter and placing them on the table. She offered him a tight smile and a nod. She was grateful when the server came to their table to take another beverage order.
Taking her silence as a good sign, Ryan smiled as he ordered two glasses of champagne and looked at an anxious Kate, "What? Why are you looking at me like that? We need to celebrate. 'To moving on'... to the end of J.S. - thank god."
But Ryan could see that Kate wasn't laughing, she actually looked sheepish and uncomfortable. Did he say something wrong?
"What's the matter?
Kate bit her bottom lip and offered a tiny smile. "Nothing, I think I'm just tired," she lied.
He was going to crack a joke and insinuate that she was tired from the late night sex they had, but he could see that it wasn't the right moment. Instead he reached over and tried to thread his fingers through hers.
In a soft voice, he told her, "Are you thinking about work again? Please don't. You give everything to that hospital and your chief resident can't expect any more from you." Ryan then smiled, "If he does, he's a total fascist asshole."
Just thinking about him was getting Ryan riled up again. It was plain as day that the guy was trying to inch himself into her pants. He actually saw them together once in the cafeteria on one of the days he was volunteering at their hospital. He was going to walk up to her, but he decided to watch instead. He studied the surgeon's body language, how he seemed very relaxed and familiar for someone speaking to a subordinate with whom he had only been working with for a few months. It made him angry and jealous. And especially seeing how receptive Kate was to him, the way she smiled, the way her eyes hung onto the man's every word. And it wasn't as if she looked like she was an entranced school girl with a crush … there was something else there … something more knowing.
Kate straightened up, pulled her hand from his and her eyes flared. "Jack's not an asshole. He's one of the most conscientious people I know, he's always been hardworking and never asked what he wasn't willing -"
In his defense, Ryan lifted his hands up, "Whoa, Kate. What's going on here? I'm sorry, no need to jump down my throat .…"
What did he say to piss her off like that? He was just joking - sort of. What the hell is it with her and that Dr. Shep -
And then, in mid-thought, the man's last name lingered and that made something click in his brain. He looked down at the napkin on his lap and shook his head.
Oh … oohhh, he felt like an asshole now.
There was a bad taste in his mouth.
How had he not figured it out sooner? 'The way she never seemed to be annoyed when he asked her to stay past her shift to work with him. She almost always referred to him as 'Jack'. There were a couple of times she would talk about him as if she really knew him. She even made a couple of cracks about his quirks and personality. He thought it was a bit unusual at the time, but he brushed it all off. ALL of it.
'he's always been hardworking and never asked what he wasn't willing'
Her words reverberated in his head. 'always', 'never' ?
He let out a sharp and hard laugh before he leaned back in his chair and squinted at her shrewdly.
Kate's right eyebrow quirked curiously at him, "What's so funny?"
He shook his head, shrugged and grinned, "Nothing, nothing at all. So, you really don't mind the long hours, huh? You don't get tired of working with Dr. What's-his-name all the time?"
His eyes were now dark in the flickering light from the small candles on the table. But Ryan maintained his steady gaze that didn't leave her.
Kate had a difficult time following the pattern of this conversation, one second he was content, then he seemed annoyed and now he sounded accusatory … maybe even suspicious.
After the disjointed silence, Kate scrunched her nose, "Ummm- wha-?" She eyed the plate in front of her and breathed, "Shephard, his last name is Shephard." She looked at him again and he seemed to want her to continue, so she added, "The hours aren't easy, but I love the work. I love my job."
Folding his arms across chest, he smirked. "I'm sure you do, Kate."
Ryan took Kate home that night, he gave her a deep kiss and was tempted to stay long enough and fuck her, but he was too worked up and upset for even that. Instead he was itching to go home and get onto his laptop.
The second he walked into his apartment, he beelined to his computer, turned it on and googled 'Jack Shepard', but the search was too general and broad and thousands of results showed on the screen.
He then tried 'Jack Shepard neurosurgery'. And dozens of search results appeared, but with a correction, his name was spelled 'Shephard'. And for some inexplicable reason, he found the extra 'h' in his name annoying and pretentious.
Ryan scanned through the results until he found one that was very intriguing. It was his hospital bio. Besides his educational history, it noted his certifications, awards and achievements, his prior employment. But Ryan focused on the peculiar fact that Jack taught high school Physics before enrolling in medical school.
Shephard taught at the same school Kate graduated from! What the fuck?
Ryan stroked the back of his neck, the skin felt hot and angry under his fingers.
His mind was wild now, he blinked a few times and looked at Jack's graduation dates from college and medical school and it didn't add up. But then Ryan read that he graduated a year early from UCLA med school.
UCLA!
And he did another quick mental calculation and the timing seemed to coincide now, she would have been there while he was a teacher and they would have also been at UCLA together for a couple of years before she transferred to Columbia.
He laughed out loud in the dark room. The few occasions he had seen the doctor, he seemed to have a smug assured arrogance to him. Especially, the first time he met him. Shephard wouldn't shake his hand and he looked like he wanted to rip his throat out just for talking to Kate.
And then he had this sort of holier than thou attitude because of his ceaseless work ethic. Meanwhile, he had been banging his student - a high school girl, no less. And he had no doubt that Shephard's attraction for Kate still lingered.
Ryan felt a profound shift in emotions, suddenly the eyewatering humiliation turned into blood-red anger. He could tell earlier that Kate had no idea of his suspicions. It was now just a question about what he was going to do with this newfound discovery.
Jack was walking by the open room when he saw her standing tip toe on a chair rummaging in the top shelf of a cabinet. Kate didn't notice Jack leaning gracefully against the door frame taking her in, studying her movements. She had her arms raised and that lifted the hem of her top. Her tiny waist and the curve of her lower back was exposed, he could even clearly see the upper portion of her skimpy black lace thong. His eyes lingered there and then his mind drifted to memories of what she looked like underneath the scrubs and he then ... he felt guilty for staring so boldly, so he quickly averted his gaze.
"Hey, Kate."
Startled, she turned her face towards him and with a triumphant look, she held up a small bandage, "Ha! I finally found one. You'd think that in a hospital, getting a band-aid wouldn't be so hard."
She was wearing that broad and cute toothy grin that he adored while she carefully climbed down from the chair.
"Jack, your timing is great. I was just studying those c-scans you asked the team to look at and I wanted to run something by you. But first, let me take care of this nasty paper cut."
She gestured over her shoulder so Jack could see where the c-scans were. She went to the sink to wash her hands and carefully wrap her finger. He walked into the room and closed the door halfway. He could see that Kate was caught up in the excitement of her discovery and wanted to share it with him.
Kate took pride in impressing him and whether she could admit it or not she did actively seek his approval and respect. Even though he was only starting his seventh year of residency, it was undisputed that his talent and expertise could rival a neurosurgeon with ten years experience. Kate had come to realize that Christian was right all along, Jack did flourish under his mentorship and it was that knowledge alone that kept her sane at times, that gave her the strength to make it through the day at the hospital rather than wallow in self-pity or resentment because he belonged to someone else now.
They examined the c-scans on the lit screen together, he stood behind her, so close he could have leaned forward and kissed her neck. He wanted to kiss her neck.
Her smell, the curls that were brushing his chin as he hovered over her shoulder, it was sensory overload.
If a stranger were to walk in, there is no question he or she would think that they were engaged in some intimate exchange. He jammed his hands into his trouser pockets, they felt itchy, as if they needed to touch her. He agreed with her preliminary diagnosis, her observation was spot on and he would not have expected that an intern only eight months in a neurosurgery rotation would be able to make this kind of assessment.
"Kate, that's a good catch, and between us, you're the only second year resident that got it right." His eyes squinted with his smile that was full of pride and respect for her.
She turned around to face him, the look of satisfaction clearly present on her face, "Thanks Jack, that means a -"
Kate lost her train of thought as she looked up at him, she felt caught off guard, she couldn't read the expression in his eyes and soon she was aware of how close they were standing. Close enough that her breasts brushed against the front of his lab coat. Her heart was pounding.
Without thinking, she tentatively reached her arm up and placed her hand on the nape of his neck. Her warm lips easily found his and she began murmuring sweet little noises of encouragement right into his mouth.
He didn't resist the familiarity of their soft fullness and soon he was the one kissing her harder, drawing her tongue into his mouth, letting his hand finally rest on the fullness of her taut behind pulling her flush against him.
Jack hadn't meant to touch her, much less lose his senses in kissing her, but the feeling was too easy, too long denied, too comfortable, and … just too fucking good.
He continued to kiss her with a fervor that not only sucked her breath from her but also part of her soul. Why couldn't Ryan make her feel this way?
Jack groaned and buried his face and lips into her hair before placing his hands firmly on her shoulders. He then pulled his head back as he reluctantly nudged her away. He had to.
He made a noise deep in his throat. "Kate, I can't. I'm sorry, but this... this is … wrong," he said, his voice hoarse with control.
A look of hurt filled Kate's eyes as they seeped tears and her lips began to form an apology. But, unexpectedly, instead she was suddenly overwhelmed by a rush of bitterness. She knew that she wasn't imagining the intense magnetic pull between them, he had responded in every way he could to her kiss. She wasn't blind to the steady wayward glances he gave her lately.
Even though he steadfastly maintained his professional demeanor, on many occasions she saw his stare drift in her direction and she knew he wasn't thinking about medicine. She also resented being now made to feel cheap or guilty for being honest and brave enough to act on the feelings that she felt were mutual.
Kate felt so powerless in this relationship dynamic, at times, like a little puppy chasing after him for attention and validation. Her heart and career turned on this man and she hated all this control he seemingly had over her life. She felt insecure, like she was in high school again.
Her expression turned hard, she could taste the bile rise to the back of her throat and she just knew that the words on the tip of her tongue would be ugly and cruel. Why did he get to take the moral high ground now? Jack may be engaged, but she had a boyfriend too! They were both being bad.
She let out a hard laugh and raised her arms up with incredulity, " 'This' is wrong'? Now, you have the ability to distinguish between right and wrong? Where was your strong sense of ethics when I was eighteen, Jack? While I was your student, no less. You didn't seem too conflicted about inviting me to your bed and taking my virginity!"
Realizing that they could be overheard, Kate lowered her shaky voice and attempted some semblance of composure, "There are reasons why there are ethical boundaries Jack and I now realize I was too young then to fall so hard for you. And I'm paying the price now, I'm a total mess. In the past five years, I've only allowed myself to be with one other man. I would never allow myself to even feel attracted to anyone else. But look at you. You're fine and have moved on."
She bent her face into her open palms, and cried, "God! Why did you have to pursue me, Jack?"
Stunned and deeply hurt, Jack was left almost speechless, he felt mortally wounded. And then soon came that wretched feeling of jealousy that, in all fairness, he had no right to feel. But it didn't make it any easier to swallow. He knew that she had been fucking Ryan, but he never wanted an actual confirmation of that fact.
But worst of all, he also knew there was some truth to her words, he WAS her teacher, he WAS supposed to be the mature adult in that scenario. He had talked himself out of wanting her countless times, but at the end of the day he was weak and not strong enough to resist her beauty and sensuality.
As he stared at her, he could feel the heat rise to his face and soon his guilt was consumed by anger, his anger fueled by her ability to so easily overlook how she had hurt him. Now he felt the need to hurl back at her. Did she really believe that she was the only person that felt pain here, that she hadn't ruined him for other women? For his fiancee, even?
"You're right, I shouldn't have. I was the adult, and I should have known better. I'm sorry that I didn't stop it before it could ever start." His jaw was set in a hard line, words dripped with disgust and she shivered under the fury in his eyes.
Kate blinked back the tears and bit her bottom lip, so hard she could taste blood. She couldn't believe that he meant those words, she needed to believe that he didn't regret their relationship or wished that he had prevented it. She had to believe it was only said out of anger and frustration just as her words were.
Brusquely, Jack turned and faced the other way. He had his hand resting on his hip and the other hand rubbing hard at his temple. The tendons in his forearm looked as if they would burst. Kate could tell that he was furious. She knew he had a temper and had witnessed it on rare occasions, but never before was it directed at her. She wanted to reach out and try to calm him, she lifted her hand and was about to softly place it on his back when he spun around to face her again.
He had his hands on his hips and opened his mouth, but no words came out. He fixed his brown eyes on her and then shook his head as if re-considering whether to say anything else.
No, he had decided. They had said enough to each other and in the most unkind way possible. This conversation was clearly over.
Jack stalked out, he ripped open the door and some nearby papers were swept up and scattered around the room.
His anger was hot enough that it could have been felt by any close passerby. Jack very nearly collided into someone, prompting the person to yell, "Cuidado!"
Kate stood alone in the room with shoulders sagging under the weight of her sobs. His words stung more than she could possibly imagine.
He looked at his watch, he had an hour left of his shift, but that didn't matter. He was out of there. He grabbed his jacket from the locker room and told Rose that he was leaving for the remainder of the day. The look on his face was enough for her to not ask any further questions.
Jack walked two blocks before he stopped to look in the window of a local bar. He was too keyed up to face Sarah, he figured a couple of drinks could help him unwind and achieve some clarity with what just went down between him and Kate.
He entered and approached the bar, took an empty stool at the far end, "Scotch on the rocks… and a Heineken."
The bartender brought over the drinks and placed them on the bar counter. Jack stared at the glass and stirred the ice before he took a long hard gulp of the pale amber liquid. He could hear the TV in the background, ESPN was on. He barely listened to the sportscaster discuss the highlights and replays of some game. He took another deep hard breath, maybe Kate was right he thought.
Perhaps he had deluded himself all along. Did he think that just because they were in love it made it okay for him to start and continue a relationship when she was so inexperienced and younger than him? It was never his intention to hurt her, he loved her and it was the hardest thing he ever did, following his heart all those years ago.
And now they had kissed, but he saw it coming. Hadn't he subconsciously set her up for it? Always keeping her in his proximity, enjoying her being there.
He felt like a hypocrite too, he wanted that kiss ... he wanted a lot more. Still wanted it.
Jack rubbed the bridge of his nose and let out a quiet groan - what was he doing? He had a beautiful and desirable fiancée waiting for him. But instead he constantly found himself remembering what she was like in that way.
It didn't take much to stir up those feelings, her small smile, the way she said his name, her scent and soon he would fantasize about finding a secluded place in the hospital, somewhere he could take Kate, slowly remove her bottoms and go down on her …. There were actual moments that he seriously considered making the fantasy a reality. When they worked late at night, on more than one occasion he wanted to invite himself to her apartment. Hadn't he even tried to convince himself that it was okay to stray one time before he put that ring on?
Jack shook his head, this is what his father must of been like. A beautiful wife at home, but constantly chasing after other women. Was he slowly morphing into him? With that bleak thought, Jack took another long gulp and then toyed with the now empty glass.
He felt a sudden swell of conviction and determination overcome him. He wasn't going to screw everything up or become Christian. And he swore to himself that he wouldn't fail this time or give into his feelings. He wasn't going to cross that line - this time. He was going to focus on Sarah now, scale back on the hospital hours, come home earlier, have Kate work on a different schedule. He was going to make this work, he was going to fix this.
He reached into the pocket of his suit jacket, looking for his credit card so he could settle the bill.
Jack felt someone settle into the seat next to him.
"I'll have what the doctor's having and bring him another round please."
Jack turned to his left and saw Ryan staring at him.
A/N: Hi everyone, so I have been sitting on this chapter, waiting and hoping that more of you would comment on my last one. But, I am eager to move this story along, so here it is. If you haven't yet reviewed the previous chapter, please take the time to leave a few words. I have spent hours working on it. And your reviews mean so much to me.
I hope that you enjoy this one and the more support you give, the more motivated I am to get the next chapter up, which will be juicy!
oxoxox