Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.

Note to Mir: The kitten thing is not canon. I figured since the show ripped-off Buffy with the stabby Hook to Hell thing, I'd borrow kitten poker. I'm not sure where the teen sacrifice thing is going, if anywhere at the moment, other than the theorized Dark Curse origin being related to the Ogre War and child-killing. All I know is that after last night's episode, I would happily sacrifice the OUAT versions of Herc & Meg: Clueless Teen Romantic Partner Plot Device & Clueless Teen Romantic Partner Plot Device's Disgustingly Weak Teen Romantic Partner. Animated Megara would punch that doormat in the tits, kick Hades in the balls, and tell Hook to go fuck himself while she saved her own ass!

PART II

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

FURY ROAD

"It's so quaint," Cruella deVil remarked as she took a seat in the roadside diner with Ursula, her old friend who was really more of an acquaintance equally beholding to Maleficent to survive in the Enchanted Forest without being married off to some Neanderthal or raped and killed.

Plus the whole needing some magical supplements to deal with having been essentially cursed by such assholes. It was prime inspiration for her life's work here of scamming old creeps out of money. Unfortunately, her last creep was also running a Ponsey Scheme and committing tax evasion, which left her with nothing but her car and her coat.

Which were really all she needed in the end, along with a stiff drink.

"It's crap, just say it," the young woman snorted while handing out menus.

"I don't use such unsophisticated language. Now, I will have an Old Fashioned."

"At ten in the morning?"

"It's happy hour somewhere, darling, and as I am currently without a house due to a little misunderstanding with the IRS, I could use a drink. Now, what specials do you have? My darling Ursula is allergic to nuts."

"Your name is Ursula?" Lily uttered in a 'you are bullshitting me' voice.

-276"My parents were Russian spies," said Ursula. "You know, like that show, only they were black, which is a great cover really. Who's going to expect some black people of being commie spies? I'll have the waffles. And coffee. Irish."

Lily took the order down and told Cruella in a bored voice, "Our specials are buttermilk pancakes with strawberries or blueberries and creme freche. French toast with a side of fruit. And eggs over easy with maple honey glazed sausages."

"Surprise me!" Cruella decided.

As Lily rolled her eyes and walked away, Emma and Neal were outside waiting for the woman to take a cigarette break, which they figured would be soon, because interacting with Cruella for more than five minutes would make even nonsmokers take a cigarette break.

Sure enough, Lily emerged from the back of the diner with a bag of trash and a pack of smokes and gave Neal and annoyed look for rooting through the dumpster.

"Jesus, there are even hobos in Vermont?" she huffed. "Get lost, buddy, or I'll-"

Lily didn't finish that sentence due to Emma tasing her in the back.

In short order they had her tied up in the back of the U-Haul.

"So... pancakes?"

"You're buying."

For a crappy roadside diner, it really did have good maple syrup. Emma bought several bottles and stowed them in the backseat (plus what Cruella bought because she wouldn't dare put the stuff on her upholstery in case it leaked) before rock-paper-scissoring the keys and hopping in the driver's seat to lead the way back to Storybrooke.

Neal was fiddling with the radio when there was a sudden thud on the roof of the car.

"What the-"

There was another thud and Emma realized, "She's on the roof!"

"What, Lily!?"

"Who else!? Superman?"

Emma slammed on the brakes and Lily went tumbling down the hood onto the road.

"At least she's not a naked blubbering pirate," mused Neal, getting out, only to have a gun suddenly pointed at him.

"Hey, that's mine!" Emma hissed.

"You kept your gun in the trailer!?" Neal exclaimed.

"The gun from my apartment in New York!"

"That you left in New York after subletting your apartment to hispsters and packed in the trailer!?"

"I forgot about it, okay!?"

Lily fired the weapon, shattering the windshield.

"SHUT UP! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! AND I KNOW YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"

"Technically, it was my parents-"

The sound of another car distracted Lily and Emma kicked the weapon from her hands and drew her own. "Don't move!"

Cruella got out of her suped-up roadster looking very put out. "I was expecting a proper car chase!"

"You were expecting a car chase!?" Emma exclaimed.

"I might have unlocked the trailer. She seemed the type who could get out of her cuffs. Ursula mentioned that you mentioned that this had all happened once before in an alternate timeline and there was an exciting car chase. I've always wanted to race!"

"Well, thanks a lot, Smokey and the Bandit," she directed at the pair. "How was that even going to work, chasing an SVU pulling two tons of junk?"

"My stuff is not junk," grumbled Neal, "unless you mean your ugly ass paintings."

"They are not ugly!"

"They came with your place and you stole them!"

"Because the rent was insane and the doorman kept letting crazies into the building and I am going to class up my new place with them!"

"And Mal said we fought like an old married couple," Ursula snorted at Cruella.

"If you two want to have make-up sex in your car," Cruella told Emma and Neal, "we'll wait, but do move all of my maple syrup to the trunk first, darlings."

"We are not having 'make up sex'! And now we need to get a new windshield!" Emma growled as her phone chimed with a text. She read the message and swore, "Oh, goddamn it, can't Storybrooke go two minutes without someone getting murdered!?"

AN: Very anticlimactic. Sorry. I hate Lily and her dumbshit story. The trailer/roof thing was inspired by The Walking Dead episode in which Rick and Daryl meet "Jesus".

Next up: Things are going from bad to worse in Storybrooke.