Severus was strewn across his chair in his chambers. A bottle of Firewhisky in one hand and a blazing fire to gaze at. He took a great gulp and felt the liquid burn a path down his throat.
He just wanted to forget.
Forget the fact that he needed to kill Albus, one of his only true friends. Forget the war. Forget all the horrors he had accomplished as a young Death Eater. Forget the pain in his chest, in his mind.
To forget that Lily had never been his, was gone, was dead.
Another gulp.
Oh Lily… He'd fallen in love with her that summer before their first year. She'd been so beautiful, even at a young age, so full of life and love for everything. She'd represented the child Severus never got to be, something that was stolen away from him by his father, his abusive father.
Drink.
Drink
Drink.
Severus threw his head back and laughed. A laugh of pain, not of joy.
Oh how he loved her. Her silky red hair, her soft smile that would reach her gorgeous green eyes. He had never stopped loving her. He knew he never would.
Or so he had always thought.
But now, she'd entered his life, threatening to destroy everything. Her, with her words that made him question it all.
When she'd implied that his actions towards her demonstrated something more than just a teacher caring for a student, he'd snapped.
He'd snapped because what she meant to say, what she was suggesting, would mean that he was forgetting Lily.
That he was, somehow, being unfaithful to Lily.
And that thought scared him. It scared him so much that he'd reacted on impulse, something he never did.
But now, inebriated by the alcohol slowly numbing his soul, by the crackling fire casting dancing shapes all over his room, by Hermione's words echoing in his mind, he realized something.
He needed to forget her.
The bottle of Firewhisky fell to the floor, smashing into a thousand pieces, a perfect representation of how Severus' heart now felt.
Hermione couldn't sleep.
Professor Snape's last sentence was perplexing her.
What did he mean exactly? Who was dead because they had befriended him?
She tossed and turned, thinking.
She felt a bit bad. She'd never seen him in that state before. He'd been so angry, so panicked, but also, underneath all that, Hermione sensed something else.
Sadness.
And fear.
But what was he scared of? And what had she been implying? Did she, care for him? She shook her head in the darkness and privacy of her bed. Of course not! To care for Snape?
Preposterous.
Simply crazy.
He was twice her age! He wasn't really nice! He wasn't really good looking either.
Nevertheless, Hermione couldn't deny that she felt something for him. For Severus Snape. There was an indisputable attraction towards the dark and damaged man. But what was it?
Was it because she found herself a bit in him? In the midst of his intelligence, his knowledge, his character, she recognized herself?
Or was it because he was this impenetrable fortress of mystery, of enigmas, of secrets that caught her attention?
Or was it because he was this unknown powerful force?
Or was it because he'd never seemed impressed by anything she did, and she was still searching his approval?
Now that she thought about it, why was she always looking for his approval?
Questions were formed and remained unanswered.
January passed in a blur. Between homework, exams, projects and searching for the Half-Blood Prince's real identity, Hermione didn't have any time for her private lessons with Snape. Not that he ever approached her about them either.
That night after the break had been the last time they talked. The last time he even looked at her. For the last month, her Professor acted as if she didn't exist. He wouldn't acknowledge her raised hand in class, wouldn't even make a scathing comment on her performance during lessons. She'd simply vanished in his eyes.
Hermione couldn't stop thinking about him.
He would always be at the back of her mind, restlessly whispering questions into her ears.
But now, she couldn't stand it anymore.
She needed to talk to him, needed to find the answers to her theories in her head.
She'd given herself another month to ponder and wait for him to contact her. But February came and went and there was no news, no sign of life from her Professor.
She decided to go to see him the evening after Ron's birthday, for a very specific reason.
Hermione couldn't believe it when she heard on Ron's birthday that he'd drunk some poisoned mead, given to him by Slughorn.
She'd raced to the hospital wing, heart beating madly, to find the door locked and Harry with Ginny waiting in front of them. After having heard the story, Hermione kept silent. She was thinking hard, listening to her heart.
And she didn't know what to feel about it.
Of course she was dead scared for Ron, scared of what could've happened if Harry hadn't found the bezoar. It was too much to think of losing Ron.
But when she thought of it, she felt different. Where as before, when she'd once thought of Ron dying (a stupid thought, she knew), she'd felt heartbroken, as if a part of her had died with him. Now, she only felt a loss of a friend.
That was when she realized she truly didn't love Ron anymore.
He knew her knock as soon as he heard it. He was sitting at his desk and contemplated for a second, to leave, to not answer, to pretend he wasn't there.
But he couldn't keep running forever.
Already, he could feel his heart rate accelerating, his pulse quickening.
He stood, pushed back his chair and walked towards the door.
Turned the handle and pulled it open.
There she was, standing confident but still biting her poor lip. Her eyes gazed up into his for the first time in two months and he was brought back to the last time they'd been together. She'd looked at him very differently that last time.
'Yes?' he asked, trying to make his voice sound annoyed.
'I'm sorry to disturb you sir, but I was wondering when my private defense lessons would begin again?' her voice betrayed her nervousness, for it was a bit shaky.
He was still holding the door and the door frame with the other hand. He could turn her down right now, finish it right now, but he found himself unable to do so.
'I am a busy man, Miss Granger, but seeing as you are here now, you will assist me.' he turned back into his classroom, indicating that she should follow.
'Professor Slughorn has asked me to collect some hellebore from the Forbidden Forest, in order to make some syrup of hellebore to restock the Infirmary with the Draught of Peace.' He explained this while cleaning up his desk with a flick of his wand.
He summoned his cloak, put it on and turned to her.
Of course she didn't have a cloak. He transfigured her school sweater into a simple black one, which startled her, then walked passed her and headed outside.
Their steps left traces in the damp forest floor. There was barely any snow left, already plants were growing, but still Hermione's breath make some mist in the cold air. They had been walking for while, side by side, but not close as it was hard because of the forest's ground. They hadn't said anything. Hermione had tried to start a conversation but having found no ideas, she abandoned.
After a few minutes of silence, only broken by the sounds of the forest, their steps and their breathing, she started to enjoy the absence of conversation.
She'd decided to see him because she'd been terrified after Ron's near death incident.
Terrified that something would happen to her Professor before she had the chance to really know him.
He stopped walking suddenly. She did too and turned to him.
'Are we there yet?'
'Yes.' He indicated a patch of small white and violet flowers in front of them, and another one a bit in the distance. He waved his wand and two flower cutters appeared in his other outstretched palm.
'Here. I'll take this patch and you take the one over there. Cut the plants close to the roots.' With that Severus bent down and started the task. He was already hoping she would do it well. He could've made this trip alone, but had decided against it. He wasn't sure why though. He refused to listen to the idiotic voice in his head that was yelling that it was because he wanted her company. No, it was because… Because she would be a useful help, to make the task go faster. That's it.
Out of nowhere, he heard her cry out.
Instantly, he was on his feet, heart beating wildly, short of breath, eyes wide searching for her. Without a second thought of the impact of this one word, he yelled : 'Hermione!'
From where he'd sent her, he heard her muffled answer.
'I'm fine, I just tripped on that stupid root there.'
He set off in the direction of her voice and found her entangled with one foot stuck in a root. Her hair was messier than before and her cheeks were a nice shade of red that wasn't due to the cold. She got her foot out, pushed herself up then proceeded to shake of the dirt and snow on herself.
Severus eyed her carefully. His heart was still bearing erratically and he was far too breathless for his taste. He tried to find a sarcastic comment to stop the awkwardness of the situation, but could find nothing.
She finished brushing off, then looked up at him. 'See? All good.' Then she squatted down to start cutting the hellebore.
Severus looked at her for a few seconds before turning around and heading back to his spot. He finished cutting the hellebore, then stood up.
'Miss Granger, are you done?' Both of them noticed the return of the "Miss Granger", but chose to stay silent.
She called back that she was then advanced towards him. It had taken her longer than necessary to cut her hellebore. There was a totally understandable reason behind that though.
She couldn't concentrate when all she could think about was how scared he'd sounded when he had called her name. Hermione. She felt happy all of a sudden and beamed at him. His face took on a look of confused surprise.
'What makes you so happy Miss Granger?' His voice sounded curiously annoyed and Severus was equally as surprised that he had asked that question out loud. This woman made him do things he would never usually do, he thought bitterly.
'Nothing sir, I'm just happy.' With that she smiled at him again and started to walk back towards the castle. It was getting darker now and colder too. Light was fading fast and noises in the forest seemed louder now.
Severus spent the whole time walking back to the castle next to Miss Granger, thinking.
After that night, when he'd realized that he couldn't love Lily anymore, he'd spent the next two months in a sort of mourning. He had mourned Lily's death before thought. He was still mourning it by the time he son had set foot in Hogwarts. But now, it was more of a long overdue farewell.
He realized that since Lily had never loved him, they had never been meant for each other.
And so, slowly, he let her go.
Day by day, little by little, he took her off the pedestal he'd set her on as a small and innocent child.
He thought he would feel empty without Lily to love, but in reality he felt at peace. As if, for the past fifteen years, he had been holding the burden of Lily's death on his shoulders. Yes, everything he'd done since her death, become a spy for Albus, had been a way to repay her for his mistakes, he now realized that it was also to right what he'd done wrong.
Thus, walking with the girl who helped him realize all this, in the cold, dark forest, he too, almost smiled.
Author's note: I updated fast! Because I was feeling bad for the two week gap hahaha! Sorry about that again…
Thanks to those who review!
Special thanks to Sassyluv, who reviews every chapter! Thanks a lot :)
To Lusting for Life: Thanks! And I'll definitely keep that in mind when writing Snape's thoughts!