The night was still as death when Arwen walked barefoot and silent past the Tower of Ecthelion. She did not enter it, nor did she intend to enter the gardens either. She simply felt the need to walk and for an odd reason she could not identify, be alone. There were no guards about and no breeze at all; the stillness chilled her. She had been right: something wasnotright. And even though she had been desperate for Aragorn earlier, now she wanted to be alone? Why? Shaking her head ruefully, she thought about how foolish that was. Father…what is your purpose here? Why can I not take rest? Her eyes were heavy and she needed to sleep. What is it that you want me to see? Why am I out here?

It was only moments after she had lowered her head that she heard light footfalls. Looking about intently caused her eyes to fall on a figure not far from her that was running past the gardens. Golden-hair blown back, hands pressed to her face, there was no doubt it was Enguina.

"Enguina?" she called, but it did not even slow the older elf, and she was running. She passed by at a completely abnormal speed just out of arm's reach; there was no way Enguina would have simply run past her without a single word. Distracted by her friend, she immediately looked back for Legolas to be chasing her, knowing he must be somewhere nearby, but he was nowhere to be seen. That surprised her even more than Enguina running, but she followed the elf out past the edge of the garden, calling for her again. There was still no response.

Worried now, Arwen broke to a quick, limping jog, her knee jarring with the same ache it had been for nearly two weeks now. She called her yet again, "Enguina!"

The elf did not even slow down, and what Arwen had thought was simply her brushing the hair from her face was hands clutching; Enguina was sobbing. Arwen could hear the cries as Enguina hurried along, running full-tilt, flat-out towards the entrance to the tunnel that traveled along below the Embrasure. Worried that she might be heading for the stable and then possibly outward and onward, Arwen picked up the pace so she could catch her before she did anything foolish. She had always been a bit faster than the older elf, so she was assured of catching her, the knee injury notwithstanding.

There came a moment, somewhere between racing after Enguina and assuming that she would catch her, when she realized that Enguina was not headed for the stable. When Enguina swerved to avoid the tunnel completely, Arwen's heart leaped into her throat.

"Enguina!" she screamed, but the blonde did not even slow down, never mind stop. "Enguina!" Arwen screamed again and poured on speed, shoving aside the injury, fueled by adrenaline. Oh Father, help me! Help me catch her! Ohgodno! Throwing every last bit of herself into the effort, Arwen reached for her. As Enguina neared the edge of the Embrasure, their bare feet pounding upon the stone, one behind the other, her hands fell away from her face. Reaching forward, she caught the lip of the stonework in her hands and lunged, throwing one foot onto the nearest bulwark and lifting herself off the ground.

Snatching, grabbing, even clawing, Arwen pounced forward, a cry on her lips, her hands meeting together around Enguina's midsection as the older elf tried to drop through the stones. By planting her feet, Arwen was just able to yank her back, dragging the blonde through and falling on her back onto the stones, Enguina still in her arms. Arwen's breath left in a rush, Enguina crushing it out of her, and she rolled her off, gasping for air as Enguina tumbled to the side, half-laying on the ground, her back to Arwen. She was still crying, but nowhere near as hard as she had been. She tried to roll forward, to move away, but she could not get anywhere; Arwen held a clump of her shirt in her hand.

Enguina heard her breathing, felt her own heart racing, and knew she had been running. She glanced up and noticed the stone wall of the Embrasure, felt it under her hand, her feet…and knew exactly what she had been about to do. Tears poured down her face as she rested her head in one of her hands; as awful as the fall would have been, at least all of it would have been over. No more nightmares…no more seeing Legolas's face on Bragolaur's body! Her stomach nearly rebelled, but she controlled herself.

"Oh my god…" She heard the words from behind her, and felt herself being pushed to a sitting position against the same wall she had been trying to climb. There, before her, sat a horrified-looking Arwen. She glanced back into that face and could not hold the gaze. Her whole body was trembling, from the exertion, from the nightmare…she had no idea.

"Ilúvatar in Heaven, what were you thinking?" Arwen choked out, tears pouring down her own face. She was half-sitting, leaning on her hands to hold herself upright, her legs trembling. "What were you thinking? Do you realize what you just did? What were you doing? Are you out of your mind?"

Unable to answer around the lump in her throat, Enguina simply sat, her head leaned back against the stonework, her shaking hand holding her forehead. She did not want to tell the truth; she did not want to answer when she knew that the answer to all of those questions would be yes. But she found her voice; she was angry at the sight of Arwen's tears—what was she upset about? Had she had this nightmare? Was she living it? Did she have something unbearable haunting her every step? No…no, no, and no!

"Leave me be, Arwen," she growled, low and hurtful, trying to choke the words out around the tears. She wanted to be alone now. There was nothing that could possibly comfort her; not after a dream like this.

"I will not," Arwen replied, staring at her as she tried to wipe her eyes. "Is that what you want? Is that what you have wanted all this time? To end your life? To seek a fall to your death?" Her voice broke off as she cried, covering her mouth with her hand for a moment, trying to collect herself. "You want to die? You want that? You want to be dead?"

Fire and pain roared through Enguina's head and she released it through her mouth. "I want this to END!" she snarled, so upset that she could hardly think straight. "I want him to stop! I want him out of my head! I cannot take it anymore!" She lost herself to tears, pulling her own hair. "This will make it stop! It will make it stop!"

"No, you need to make it stop!" Arwen said seriously, wiping her tears away and forcing herself to sit up straight, leaning toward her. "You need to say when it has been enough; you need to make it end!"

"'I need to? I need to?' What are you even saying? Do you have any idea—" she cut off and glared at Arwen. "You have no idea what my dreams are like! It has to stop! This has to stop!"

"Then stop it!" Arwen cried. "You are letting Bragolaur ruin everything!"

"I am letting—?"

"Do not let him ruin everything you have worked so hard for! Legolas, this new life you built! Do these things not matter to you?! Make him stop!" Enguina fought the trembling and flung herself to her feet and tried to storm away, but it was Arwen's voice that called her back as she clambered to her feet uncomfortably. "Do not walk away from me, Enguina! This conversation is not over."

It was not a request, and fury incased her heart, for protection.

"Over?" she growled. She could have walked away, but instead found herself turning back around and stalking up to the younger elf. "It is over. What do you think, that this is a choice? That I can simply tell the dreams to go away and they will? This is not a choice, Arwen! It never has been!"

"It has to be," Arwen replied dully, and Enguina's eyes narrowed even more. "You must make it a choice. You have to say no to Bragolaur and beat him back. You must choose Legolas! You must choose life!"

Enguina stopped directly in front of her, arms crossed defensively as she sneered at her. "I cannot simply make a choice and end this! I have tried everything! I have tried everything to make it stop. You have no idea what this is like! There is no choice! Do not tell me what to do!"

"Someone needs to," she whispered back fervently.

Enguina stared at her. "Arwen, what the hell—what is the matter with you?" Her eyes began to tear again. "Why are you attacking me?!"

"I am not attacking you," she replied, her voice low, "I am confronting you. This has gone on far too long, and you are hurting yourself and everyone around you. Do you have any idea what your death would do to all of us? Have you thought about what killing yourself would do to Legolas?"

"Nothing," she snapped, crossing her arms. "It would not even matter; everyone would move on."

"You are only saying that to be contrary, and you know it," Arwen said, keeping a tight rein on her temper, and having to bite the inside of her cheek to do it. "No one would 'move on.' How many times have you said that you do not know what you would do if Legolas left you? How many times have you said that you would die without him? There is no difference; Legolas needs you as much as you need him, and if you took your life, you would destroy his heart. He would die of a broken heart, and you would be the cause." She frowned deeply, her heart hurting. "Enguina—"

"Do not," she complained gruffly. "I do not want to hear it!"

Arwen ignored her complaint. "You have been my best friend for nearly a thousand years," she whispered. "Do you think I would feel nothing at your death?"

"I…I cannot care, Arwen," she said, a bit more miserable than angry. "I cannot think past these dreams, these nightmares! They haunt me!"

Arwen reached out and gripped her shoulders, but she did not shake her as she wanted to. "If you cannot care about me, then you should care about Legolas. Think about what you would have done to him by taking your own life. Think, Enguina!"

"Stop it!" she snapped, glaring at her and shoving her in the shoulders, knocking herself free of the elf's grip. Arwen stumbled back a step, but then held her ground. "I do not want to! I want this to stop, Arwen!"

"You said you love him. You said you love him," she repeated, her face sad.

"Do not push me…" she warned, anger boiling up inside her.

"Do you? Do you really love him? When you would rather kill yourself than face what happened, to fight it with everything that is in you?" She shook her head very slowly. "Enguina, you cannot say you love him…and then do something so foolish."

Undeniable, uncontrollable rage flooded Enguina. She did not love him? Beyond infuriated, she lunged forward and swung at Arwen with all her might, connecting suddenly with the side of her friend's head. Arwen had made no move to duck or move aside, even though Enguina had scratched her cheek and bruised her. She stumbled and dropped back against the stones of the Embrasure. Arwen's lack of defense only infuriated Enguina and made her want to hit her again.

"How dare you?!" Enguina seethed, nearly snarling. "After everything I have been through? After agreeing to marry him? How dare you say I do not love him?"

"I did not say you did not, I asked you if you did. Why would you do this if you did?" she asked her, but she stayed against the wall, allowing a bit of distance between them. She held one hand to her face, covering her aching cheek. "Why are you letting him go if you love him? That is what you are doing, you know." Her voice had dropped to a whisper. "You are leaving him."

"I am not leaving him!"

"You were just going to take your own life and throw it away!"

"I have had this weight," she stuttered out, clutching her hands to her chest, "hanging over me, pressing in on me, Arwen. Always it is present, every moment! What if I am not enough? What if—"

"Not enough? He wants you to be his wife! He wants you!" Arwen's expression was loaded with exasperation. "He asked you to wed him for a reason! Do not be so ridiculous!"

"What if I am not enough for him? What if I frighten him away with all these dreams and mad behaviors? I cannot control my stomach; I cry at seemingly random moments; I lose my mind when I dream…these are all ridiculous things that cannot be controlled, cannot be stopped! He is never going to want to handle any of that, especially not forever; it is completely unfair to ask it of him! What if I am like this forever? I am afraid! What if I…what if we…what if we cannot…what if we can never…" She lost her voice, having it break off into tears before she could find it again, unable to continue the thought. "You," she muttered accusingly, "you have no idea! You cannot possibly know or understand the weight of the shame that I carry!"

Arwen stared at her and Enguina turned away, stalking back towards the Tower; the elf's hand caught her arm and in her anger she spun to bat her away. Arwen had already let go and took a step back, so Enguina's swing landed on nothing. "Enguina," she whispered, her voice full of pain, "you think I know nothing of shame? I…I understand your shame, your suffering."

"You know nothing of my shame!" she hissed, furious. "Do not try to understand! Have you had a man hold you down and take you against your will?" She choked on tears, but kept going. "Have you had someone enter you right before Aragorn's eyes? No…you would never survive it! Yet you stand here and tell me that I need to make a choice to survive! That is…that is ridiculous!"

"Surviving is a choice. What you are feeling—"

"Oh yes, Arwen," Enguina said mockingly, "knower of everyone's pain! Tell me about what I am feeling and explain it all away!"

"You are so angry," Arwen said, tears of hurt coming to her eyes, "that you cannot see beyond your own pain. I do not know everyone's pain; that is a ridiculous assumption and utterly untrue. But your shame I do understand, Enguina; do you not think I have experienced shame?"

"You?" Enguina scoffed. "When? When you married the perfect man? When you left your father, your own people, to marry a mortal?" Laughing was difficult but somehow she managed it. "That shame you brought on yourself!"

"Marrying Aragorn brought me no shame," Arwen said seriously, her eyes darkening. Controlling her temper suddenly became so difficult her left hand balled into a fist…but she kept it at her side. She was not going to hit her friend as she lashed out in fear and pain…she was not.

"You cannot understand the weight of the shame I bear! Do not talk about your perfect life and—"

"You forget, again, that my life is not perfect. Blinded by your own suffering, you cannot see that of anyone else," Arwen told her, tears spilling down her face, even as she tried to wipe them away. "I know suffering, Enguina. It is unfathomable the amount of suffering I am familiar with. You forget; you think the pain of losing a child is not shame? You think that I do not wear it like a badge on my arm, like a dead weight in my heart as you do?"

"There is no shame in—"

"There is shame! Look around you!" Arwen cried, waving her hand towards the city. "You do not see their eyes, so in love have you been with Legolas these past few months. They judge; they condemn…my heart is full of shame. I cannot bear my husband a son!" She choked on the tears and wiped her eyes. "I know shame, and I carry it like a torch just as you do. Neither Aragorn nor I asked for this pain…but we must accept it. We have accepted it, even if it tears our hearts out, tortures us in the night, as your pain does you. We had to accept it…and must go on living."

"Accept?" Enguina's voice squeaked out. "That—you—Eru in Heaven, Arwen!" she shouted. "Why would I want to accept it? I do not even want to admit it happened, or acknowledge he ever existed! I cannot get him out of my head!"

"I know it seems impossible," she gasped in response. "Sometimes, my heart feels as though it will shatter with the weight of the burden I bear; sometimes I feel like I will cry forever, as though the rain will never stop. Sometimes I think it would be better to be alone, but it never is; I need his arms, his shelter. Ilúvatar gave me Aragorn to hold me up. I could never do this on my own. I need him, as my reminder of life, of love, of hope, of trusting the One. No matter how much I want to pretend it did not happen, I cannot wish the pain away. At times, it will consume me, just as it does you. But you cannot wish the pain away either. You must accept that it happened."

"You have no idea what I am feeling! You were not taken against your will! You were not taken against your will, you were not forced to do something despicable or had it forced on you!" She shook her head. "You have no idea at all what I am feeling! You do not look in the mirror and despise what you see! You do not have to live, knowing that every day the man you love sees how impure you are and you have to live with that. You cannot get purity back, Arwen! I have been used…and thrown away like scraps for animals!"

"Stop that!" Arwen cried, clutching her hands. "Stop saying that! You did not give him anything; you are pure! A man cannot simply take away your purity; you have to give yourself—"

Enguina yanked her hands away. "What would you know about it? You have only ever been with Aragorn! I hate myself, and you have no idea what that feels like."

"Yes, I do. Do you think I do not blame myself for what happened to the baby?" she whispered.

"That is ridiculous!" Enguina cried, shaking her head. "That had nothing to do with—"

"Neither did what happened to you have to do with you! What happened was not your fault; it was Bragolaur's! Yet you want to blame yourself; I know, Enguina. I have been in that place; sometimes I still am. Do you think I do not dream? That I do not feel a constant ache from the loss? Sometimes I cannot breathe it hurts so terribly. The pain you are feeling is a loss of a part of yourself, just as the baby was a part of me. Even though you do not want to admit it; I know what you are feeling."

Enguina shook her head slowly. "You know what, Arwen?" she whispered. "I do not even care. Aragorn is not going to leave you because you have not given him a child. He is not going to want to stop being with you because of that, but these dreams? These memories of what Bragolaur did to me? They would frighten anyone away! How can I sleep beside Legolas in the same bed when I cannot have him touch me? I hurt him at every turn. At least Aragorn can touch you!"

"You have to decide that Bragolaur is no longer going to rule your life, Enguina. Just as you did before, when you made the decision to choose Legolas," she said seriously. "You must make the same choice. The dreams will fade with time. Every time you have a dream you must fight it, not let it control you. That is why you are spending your nights running from him; you must accept it happened and turn to confront him, and then accept Legolas's arms for comfort. You cannot chase him away."

"How…how can I accept this? How? It is impossible!"

"You need to start by telling Legolas the truth," Arwen said firmly.

"What?" she asked incredulously. "Not this again! No! Absolutely not!"

"Enguina, this is yet another way you are allowing Bragolaur to rule your life. You have been hiding from the truth for so long; you swore you would tell Legolas when—"

"But he saw! He knows! What is there to tell?"

"Everything. Tell him everything! Tell him how much you love him and how you are going to fight this with everything inside you, but you need his help. Tell him that you need him at your side every night to guide you through the fear. Tell him the whole story about Bragolaur from the beginning; he has every right to know. The longer you wait now, the worse it becomes. And then finally, tell him your fears about seeing Bragolaur when you are going to be wed, when you are going to make love. Make him aware; make him ready."

Enguina shook her head, tears springing to her eyes again. "I...I cannot! Arwen, that will tear me apart!"

"Why?" she asked, standing her ground. "Because you are afraid?" She stared at her. "You have to overcome these fears, Enguina. You must face them. Bragolaur is only a memory now; he is so dead it is not even reasonable to think of him as being a living person once. You must talk to Legolas."

"I cannot tell him that I…I am afraid to see…no, it will not do, Arwen!"

"Enguina," she said, trying to prevent the elf's hands from wringing; this time, she caught and held them, "the most important things you can do right now are face your fears and tell the truth." She looked down at Enguina's hands and sighed. "Do you know what the most frightening thing about losing the baby was?" Her voice was so soft that Enguina had to lean in to hear her.

"I do not know if I want to know," she replied, shaking her head. "In fact, I am certain—"

"It was waking up that first time, after it was over," she interrupted her, thumbing the skin on Enguina's cut and scraped hands. "It was being afraid of having to look into Aragorn's eyes and see his pain, and watch him experience mine…to think about what I would see in those grey eyes. I was afraid that I would see something else in them other than compassion and love…that I would see derision, even contempt…hatred."

Enguina looked horrified for a moment. "Not Aragorn."

"I was wrong, of course," she whispered. "But I only found that out after I forced myself to look him in the face for the first time." She lifted her head. "That is what you are going to find with Legolas."

Enguina stared at her. "How can you be so sure?"

"I know him…but more importantly, I understand the love he has for you. Enguina, if you had taken your life tonight," she said, so seriously that Enguina swallowed hard, "Legolas would have been dead within a week. He loves you with his whole heart. He is 'all in,' as they say. He does not do anything if he does not do it with his whole person. You know him enough to know that is true."

"I…I love him, Arwen…" she said, her voice nearly pleading. "But what if love is not enough?"

Arwen stared at her and clenched her hands tightly. "Enguina, love is always enough."

"Love is enough for you and Aragorn," she said, a bitter taste in her mouth. "You and your—"

"Please," Arwen interrupted her, "enough with this 'perfect marriage' nonsense. If you could see past your hurt, you would remember from three seconds ago that is not true. I dream; I spend some nights crying as you do…but I do not run from Aragorn. I need him, Enguina. Once you tell Legolas the truth, once you begin facing the fears instead of running from them, you will find how much you need him."

"So you have not accepted your troubles either," she muttered accusingly.

"Enguina, I do not run from the memories, from my dreams. I cannot. It happened; as much as I hate it," she whispered. "It happened. That I have admitted and accepted; I cannot go back. You keep wishing that what happened to you did not happen—"

"Do you not?!" she cried. "Do you not wish that you had not lost the baby? Do you not beg Ilúvatar to take away the pain? Do you not—"

"Every day I ask him to take away the pain," she said, "but I do not wish I had not lost the baby. That is hopelessness, Enguina…and I must live in the present, not the past. Hoping for a child that I cannot have is a lost cause. All I can do is pray that Ilúvatar will one day bless us with another, that Aragorn will one day be a father. I must trust him with my life, to take care of me, to bless me when we are ready. You…you must stop wishing that Bragolaur had not assaulted you—" Enguina flinched and opened her mouth to yell at her, but Arwen kept talking, "—and accept that it happened, and above that be thankful that there is a man who does love you and wants to share the rest of your life with you. That, Enguina, is the gift here. If what had happened with Bragolaur had never happened, yes, that would be a wonderful thing…but nothing, no good thing that could ever have happened to you means as much as the love of Legolas." She gave her a small smile. "And that is not a small gift of Ilúvatar. That is a huge, all-consuming gift. And you are missing it."

Enguina stood, gaping at her. By Ilúvatar, by the One, Arwen was right. She could add up every good thing that had ever happened to her and not a single one of them or all as a group would ever equal the way she felt when Legolas looked at her. Oh god, what had she been thinking? Even having her innocence back would not equal the happiness she had found in Legolas. Arwen was right: blind-sided by her own pain, she had lost sight of that completely. She thought about the way she felt when Legolas had first taken her in his arms, their first kiss, the moment he pledged himself to her, the moment he had asked for her hand, the morning she told Arwen of their engagement and the amount of happiness that those memories brought to her. Clapping her hands over her mouth, she began to sob; these were sobs of the realization of what she had done, what she had been about to do, and they wracked her whole being as she fell to her knees at Arwen's feet.

Arwen noticed the change in Enguina as it was happening and was ready when she began sobbing. She wrapped her arms around her friend and held her, pressing Enguina's face against her neck and laying her cheek against her hair.

Enguina wept aloud, uncontrolled. "Forgive me! Forgive me! I am such a fool! What have I done?!"

"Some foolish things," Arwen admitted softly, "but they can be righted, sweet one. Forget what is behind, and remember what you have. It is not going to be easy; going forward is so hard, but remind yourself of the reward if you do. Ilúvatar has blessed you, Enguina…not cursed you. Seek him; trust him. He is going to guide you out of this pit. He is sovereign of your life, with you in the storm and the calm. Let him find you here; let him love you through Legolas."

It was growing toward dawn when Enguina finally stopped crying and Arwen had prayed for her; she lifted her head and laid a hand on Arwen's cheek. "God," she moaned, "how I have hurt you!"

"You have done and said things without thought," Arwen said gently, "but now you will think, not react and make foolish decisions. It is forgiven…but…" she sighed, her eyes filling, "never do it again, never frighten me like that again."

"I swear it! I will not!" Enguina cried, tears spilling over again. They finally gathered themselves and stood, Enguina now holding Arwen's hand. "Will you come back to the house with me?" she asked softly. "I do not want to be alone yet, and I…I left quite a mess in my haste to escape."

Arwen walked with her, trying to ignore the pain in her knee and not limp as much as she felt she needed to. As distracted as she was, Enguina barely noticed, and did not release Arwen's hand but held it tightly. "I will until Legolas comes, and then I will return to Aragorn before we meet with the Council this morning." She was silent for a moment, and then she whispered softly, "I love you, you know…so much."

Enguina stopped, released her hand and threw her arms around her friend's neck, crying again.

"I love you, too!"