Hermione was in shock as she raced back to Severus' office, entered and found Luna kneeling over Flitwick's unconscious body. She bent down next to Luna and peered at her Professor's face. Remembering some of her first aid courses her parents had made her take in elementary school, she started taping the ground around Flitwick's body.
'Hello, Professor? Can you hear me?' she asked in a loud voice. When the man didn't stir, she looked at Luna, trying to keep the flow of panic at bay.
She couldn't bring herself to think about what had just transpired between her and Severus.
She just couldn't.
'What do we do Luna?' she said while waving somewhat erratically at their fallen professor.
Don't think.
'Perhaps we should bring him to the hospital wing…' Luna suggested mildly.
Hermione could've slapped herself for being so absent. Of course! She nodded then proceeded to levitate Flitwick's body.
Don't think!
Walking quickly while keeping the professor levitated, they made their way to the infirmary. There was a tense silence in the air, for both of them were wondering about the battle.
And Severus.
No matter how hard Hermione tried, she couldn't rid herself of the look of absolute and total disgust, hatred and contempt that had seemed to have been carved into his pale face.
No.
It's not true.
It's not true.
Please, let it not be true.
Over and over again, her mind replayed the scene, repeated the words, like a mantra, keeping her going, keeping her together.
She was calm on the outside, but inside she was hanging on by one hand on the edge of the cliff of breakdown, of total despair.
It's not true.
All his act.
He didn't really mean it.
She kept one foot in front of the other as she sped towards their destination.
Don't feel.
Breath in.
Breath out.
You must keep yourself together.
You must.
Walking down the silent and deadly still hallways, Hermione and Luna didn't talk at all. Luna had her wand out and was leading the way, while Hermione was behind. It took them several tense minutes to finally reach the infirmary. Once they were there, Luna knocked on the closed door.
'Madam Pomfrey, it's Luna and Hermione with Professor Flitwick who's just fainted, please let us in?' the blonde girl asked quietly, while Hermione looked around nervously. The castle was too silent, and she really wondered what was happening with the battle.
Severus.
She shook her head roughly.
Don't think about him now.
The door to the hospital wing swung open. Madam Pomfrey popped her head out, took in the two girls and the levitating professor. She ushered them in silently and closed the door, putting the wards back up again. Hermione levitated Flitwick to the nearest unoccupied bed and then made her way to go back outside to help with the battle.
'And where exactly do you think you are going now dear?' The matron's stern voice made Hermione stop in her tracks and turn around.
'To help fight…' She replied as if it was obvious.
'Oh no dear, you and Luna are not going anywhere, you will help me here, I can't let you go out to fight! What would the Headmaster think of me?' Her tone left no room for argument.
Hermione wasn't certain if she felt thankful or mad for being kept in the hospital wing.
So she settled for not letting herself feel anything. It wouldn't do her good to worry about Harry, Ron, Ginny, Neville or anyone else.
Or Severus.
Stop it! She commanded herself internally. Whatever she did, her mind still always returned to the man.
Meanwhile, Madam Pomfrey had just finished the basic diagnostic spells on their fallen professor. She scrunched her brow and the waved her wand as she spoke the spell use to revive.
'Renervate'
Flitwick opened his eyes as if he had been shocked. Glancing around, he attempted to rise, but Madam Pomfrey clasped her hands on his shoulders and pushed him down firmly.
'Not yet Filius, not yet. I'll get you a Calming Draught, just you wait.' With that the witch bustled off to the storeroom to get the draught. When the witch had left, Flitwick jumped up from the bed and started towards the door.
'No sir, you must wait, you need-'Hermione said nervously following him as he got closed to the door.
'I must go help my Ravenclaws, I can't stay here.' He replied, trying to sound confident, but Hermione could detect that he was quite shaken by the whole incident. Come to think of it, he didn't seem like the type of wizard to faint in such circumstances…
But her thoughts were interrupted when a loud banging started on the hospital wing doors. Madam Pomfrey came rushing out of the storeroom as the banging increased. Shouts could be heard from outside, voices that seemed to be those of Lupin, Tonks and possibly Ron. The matron waved her wand, disabling the wards then open the door to a mound of people.
Leading the party was Ginny, seeming unscaped, but had a wild look of fear and panic in her eyes. Following suite were Tonks and Lupin, each on one side of a levitating body. They rushed in and quickly deposited the body on a bed. Madam Pomfrey was ready on the scene, quickly performing the diagnostic spells while Lupin informed her of the situation. Ginny was at the head of the bed, staring at the bloodied face. Hermione had no idea who the man was, his features had been so marred by wounds.
'Greyback attacked' Lupin was saying quickly, as Tonks went to wrap her arms around Ginny's shaking body. 'Bill will probably not be a full werewolf…' Bill, Hermione realized as a muffled dragging was heard from behind her. She whipped around to see Ron, carrying Neville to a bed. Everything was happening so fast and intensely, Hermione had barely any time to think.
Ron brought Neville over and laid him on a bed, then jumped up towards Hermione. He had the same look as Ginny in his eyes as he wrapped his arms around her in a tight, but brief, hug. She desperately wanted to say something to him, to try to comfort him, but words failed her as he rushed off to his brother's bedside.
Trying to calm herself internally, Hermione went over to Neville, who was looking very pale and pretty absent. She held his hand as the boy smiled weakly to her, then groaned and clutched his stomach.
'Um,'Hermione said tentatively, not wanting to take the attention off Bill when he needed it so badly, 'Tonks, could you come help Neville here?' Tonks gave a reassuring squeeze to Ginny's shoulders, but the girl didn't react for her gaze was locked on her brother's face. Tonks then got up, brushing past Lupin who was helping Madam Pomfrey who was still unsuccessful at closing Bill's wounds. Frustration was clearly shown on Ron's face as spell after spell didn't seem to work on werewolf bites.
'What's wrong with you, Neville?' Tonks asked kindly, looking at him. Neville started explaining and Hermione quickly got up to get a Calming Draught from the storeroom. She then realized that in all the commotion, Professor Flitwick must have sped away and bit her lip worriedly. Grabbing the Draught, Hermione went back to Neville's bedside. Already he was looking much better, as Madam Pomfrey had taken a quick break to perform some healing charms on him before focusing her attention back on Bill. Hermione handed the Draught to Neville, who drank it, then curled up on his side and closed his eyes. Tonks looked over at Hermione and smiled sadly, before getting up and going back to Bill's bed. She went over also and took a place behind Ron. Not quite knowing what to say still, she decided to ask what had been on the tip of her tongue the whole time.
'Ron, do you know what's happened to Harry?' She asked, taking his hand with her own and turning him away from the grisly sight of his brother. Ron turned slightly but still kept looking at his brother as he answered absentmindedly.
'No Hermione, I haven't seen him…' But at the mention of Harry's name, Ginny seemed to snap out of her trance and looked up at Hermione. She could sense that the girl was conflicted, torn between staying at her brother's bedside and going to see the boy she loved. Ginny looked down one last time at her brother before getting up. Hermione met her and together they walked to the door, Hermione having wrapped one arm around the younger girl's shoulders.
'It's going to be okay, Ginny.' Hermione said finally, as the girl opened the door to leave. She smiled slightly at Hermione's attempt to make her feel better, before turning around wordlessly. Hermione stood there, watching her friend leave and tried for the millionth time not to think.
You disgust me.
Shaking her head again to dispel that horrid memory, Hermione closed the door and turned back. She went over to Ron and without thinking twice, gave him a hug from behind, putting her arms around his waist and intertwining her hands. She squeezed slightly before letting go. Ron turned, ashen faced and closed the distance between both of them, wrapping his arms around her waist. Hermione responded and held him, to comfort herself and him too.
And then, finally, she let herself think.
She wondered where he was.
If he was hurt.
If he was still fighting.
If he was thinking of her.
If he regretted his words.
They just couldn't have been true. It didn't make any sense. What they had, their strange and messed-up relationship, had been real. It had been. It had never even crossed her mind that maybe he didn't feel the same way for her.
But then again...
He'd never sought her out.
He'd never made the first move.
She'd always been the one to touch him first, to go to him in the dead of night and never the other way around.
Her breathing started to speed up as she thought about all those factors that she'd never paid attention to before.
Tonight hadn't been the first time he'd pushed her away either.
No...
But his harsh words filled with disgust and hatred were being screamed in her head again.
And again.
An all too familiar pang in her stomach occurred then, the same pain she'd felt when Ron had kissed Lavender for the first time all those months ago.
No...
But doubt was now in her mind, whispering dark thoughts all around.
You disgust me.
She needed to get out.
She let go of Ron suddenly, breaking their embrace, and made to head towards the doors to the hospital wing when they opened and in came Harry, holding Ginny's hand.
At once, Hermione ran to him and hugged him, reassurance filling her now that she knew that her friend was safe.
'Are you alright, Harry?' asked Lupin, who had followed Hermione.
'I'm fine... How's Bill?' He replied glancing over Hermione's shoulder.
Silence filled the room as they all approached Bill's bed again. Words were exchanged about Bill's condition before Ron cut through.
'Dumbledore might know something that'd work, though.' He said looking around at the others, willing for them to agree with him. 'Where is he? Bill fought those maniacs on Dumbledore's orders, Dumbledore owes him, he can't leave him in this state-'
'Ron- Dumbledore's dead', Ginny said quietly.
'No!' Shouted Lupin as he looked from Ginny to Harry before falling into a chair at Bill's bedside.
Lupin's reaction was the same as Hermione's, but she managed to contain her's.
Dumbledore?
Dead?
Tears filled her eyes and sadness overcame her as she thought of the mighty wizard, the amazingly eccentric Headmaster...
But who could've done it?
Who would have committed the unbelievable crime?
'How did he die? How did it happen?' Tonks asked, her words mirroring Hermione's thoughts.
'Snape killed him.'
And with that one sentence, Hermione's whole world came crashing down.
No.
Hermione clapped her hands over her mouth to keep from screaming and falling to the ground out of pain.
No.
No it can't be true.
But...
But...
But it is!
Betrayal coursed through her every vein as the gravity of the situation, the horrible, horrible truth set in.
Severus, her Severus, had killed Dumbledore.
Harry started to tell his tale, but his words were lost to Hermione's ears as she tried not to die right then and there.
It hadn't been real.
Any of it.
Her doubt from earlier was now completely and utterly confirmed.
Severus...
He had never wanted her.
He had manipulated her from the start to the finish.
Outside, a song had started, a strikingly beautiful song of despair.
The phoenix's song.
It filled Hermione with such sadness she thought she would burst.
Oh gods, oh gods, Severus!
She wanted to scream it out in pain.
McGonagall burst into the ward. She spoke but all Hermione could do was stare, stare at her mouth moving and at the others responding. Their words swirled around without Hermione being able to grasp them. But it's not as if she wanted to do so either.
All she knew, all she cared about, was that the only man she had ever loved, the only man she thought she would ever love, had betrayed her.
That man was a killer.
Was still a Death Eater.
Was still Voldemort's servant.
Oh the pain in her heart, the pain in her soul were almost unbearable.
Tears were falling silently down her cheeks.
Her chest was heaving and she had trouble breathing.
Severus...
The world started to spin and she wondered quietly if she would faint when, in a moment of clarity, she heard Harry ask looking at her: 'So if Ron was watching the Room of Requirement with Ginny and Neville, were you-'
And she then she pulled herself together, only enough to whispered the whole thing, from the waiting with Luna, to seeing Flitwick, to letting Severus go...
'I was so stupid, Harry! He said Professor Flitwick had collapsed and that we should go and take care of him while he- while he went to help fight the Death Eaters-' It was too much. The pain of his betrayal and the shame she felt all over.
He loved me! She wanted to cry out. He kissed me and held me and, and-
But he had never said he loved her out loud.
He had never acknowledged any feelings for her.
What he really had done was manipulate her and lie to her.
Hermione continued, now hidden behind her hands as tears
'We went into his office to see if we could help Professor Flitwick and found him unconscious on the floor…' Realization then hit her square on 'and, oh, it's so obvious now, Snape must have Stupefied Flitwick, but we didn't realize, Harry, we didn't realize, we just let Snape go!'
Stupid, idiotic girl, blinded by love.
And then Hermione was gone again, swept away from her own grief. Molly and Arthur entered, Fleur too, but still Hermione was absent.
Severus...
A killer.
During the days leading up to Dumbledore's funeral, Hermione almost only slept. That was her only way to escape the total pain she felt during her every waking hour. She spent so much time crying, her eyes now seemed puffy in permanence. But she did all that in private. She couldn't let anyone know the suffering she was going through. When she was with her friends, there was no way they could have guessed anything.
She cried herself to sleep.
She cried when she woke up.
In the shower.
Once, in a fit of cold fury, she had spent hours in the library, perusing the old Prophets until she found it, the last piece of evidence linking Eileen Prince to Severus Snape. When she'd found it, she had curled up in a ball and wept until she was numb.
The only truth Severus Snape had ever spoken to her, during the whole time they had been entangled, was the bundle of words he'd yelled to her the night he had killed Dumbledore.
'Did you really think that I ever care about you? That I ever loved you? You stupid little know-it-all, I was using you! Did you think I ever enjoyed kissing your filthy lips? You loathsom mudblood, I-'
She still remembered every single sentence that had left his mouth that night.
And so she laid there, the night after the great wizard's funeral, after having cried and cried on Ron's shoulder, she laid there on the cold stones of the Astronomy Tower, thinking about the man she once loved.
The man she still loved.
It was so utterly fucked up.
There was no other way to put it into words.
But she still loved him.
She still loved Severus Snape the killer, the betrayer, the one that had broken her heart.
Because, try as she had, try as she still was doing, she couldn't fully accept it.
She couldn't accept that Severus was evil.
She couldn't accept that they'd never had anything.
Although she chastised herself, although she called herself stupid, ignorant and blind, although she screamed and cried that he was a murderer, that he'd betrayed her, her heart wouldn't cooperate.
All she knew, was that deep down, deep, deep down, her heart still held on to the shred of hope that hadn't been destroyed by everything that had happened.
The last shred of hope that whispered: Maybe it's still part of his act.
Maybe it's not what it seems.
Maybe it's all part of a bigger plan.
Maybe…
Just maybe…
He still loves you.
Author's note: Seems like Severus' plan backfired huh? Hermione hasn't quite abandoned hope… I'm thinking that next chapter will cover most of the hunt for the Horcruxes, but I don't want it to seem too rushed but at the same time, I don't want there to be too many chapters without any Severus and Hermione interaction… What do you guys think?
Also, same as last chapter, any dialogue you recognize is not mine, it has been taken from The Half-Blood Prince :)
And wow! I am so grateful for all of your reviews! That was amazing! Please, don't stop!Let me know what you think! It always makes my day :)
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