The only way to survive was to block out the pain.
Block her out.
Block Albus out.
Whatever you do, JUST.
DON'T.
FEEL.
Don't feel.
Pretend you are okay.
Immerse yourself in your role, your character you had to play.
Don't feel.
And so that's what Severus did. He became the cold unfeeling monster that Hermione had once blamed him to be. He blocked out all the pain that threatened to shut him down.
He used that summer to do so.
Slowly, he took every thought, every emotion, every memory that was attached to Dumbledore and Hermione. He took all of them and carefully, without looking at them for a last time because he knew it would break him, placed them in a dark little corner in the back of his mind. He closed that door, took the key and made it vanish, all while promising himself to never, ever visit that place in his head again.
Ever.
…
Having to erase her parents memories was probably one of the hardest things Hermione had ever done. She was an orphan now. Her parents didn't know they had a daughter. They didn't know about magic, they didn't know that Hermione had a cat, they didn't know, oh god, they didn't know anything!
Breath in.
Breath out.
Don't cry Hermione.
Keep it together.
Don't cry.
…
'Sectumsempra!'
The spell missed his fellow Death Eater and hit one of the, hopefully fake, Potters.
Shit.
It wasn't meant for him! Severus, you fool!
…
Mad-Eye was dead.
George had lost an ear.
Because of Severus.
Hermione was lying in a bed next to Ginny at the Weasley's. The wedding was soon. Harry's birthday was tomorrow. It had been exactly 43 days since Severus had killed Dumbledore. 43 days during which Hermione had varied between believing that he was an actual Death Eater and believing that it was all part of some messed up plan.
And she still didn't know which one to fully believe.
…
The children would be walking up to the castle in two weeks time. Boys and girls, all too young to have to suffer through this year with him as Headmaster. He knew what he must do to keep the Dark Lord's trust, but he still wouldn't do anything more than necessary. He would do his best to spare them all.
He wondered briefly if she would be there.
Then, he shook himself from that traitorous thought that seemed to have escaped from deep inside. He wouldn't allow it.
…
Hermione's name was in the papers. Black cold letters on the rough front page of the newspaper. Part of the list of the names of Muggle-borns that were wanted for questioning. She wondered briefly if he'd seen her name there.
Then, she shook herself from that traitorous thought that seemed to have escaped from deep inside. She wouldn't allow it.
…
The nerve! The absolute and total idiocy! The damned Gryffindor courage!
What had they been thinking? Infiltrating the Ministry? That place was crawling with Death Eaters and all those loyal to the Dark Lord! They only barely escaped capture!
The little snippets of information Severus received from the portrait of Nigellus were enough to make him fear the outcome of the war. He had hoped that the verbal beating he had given Potter would have been enough to slap some sense into him. They couldn't go on without a structured plan. Still, with her help and the Weasley boy hopefully they will be able to concoct some sort of plan.
Hopefully.
…
Ron leaving them, abandoning them, was like another stab to Hermione's heart.
She cried that night, when Harry had stopped pacing around and had went to bed, she cried because Ron words brought back his words too.
Hermione then wondered if he missed her as much as she missed him. If he ever thought of her.
But she only allowed herself that one night to cry. She only allowed herself that one small moment of weakness, before shutting out the thought of Severus again. She was stronger than that.
She was Hermione bloody Granger, know-it-all and Harry Potter's best friend.
She was able to do this.
Hold on just for today, don't think about him, you'll be okay.
Hold on just for today, don't think about him, you'll be okay.
She kept repeating that over and over and over again.
…
'Expecto Patronum!'
It didn't work.
No matter how many times Severus cast the spell.
His patronus had changed shape.
Whereas before the incantation would've made a beautifully strong but at the same time gentle doe with Lily's eyes appear, now there was only this creature.
This mischievous and playful but clearly intelligent otter with the most enchanting eyes, more stunning than Lily's had ever been.
Hermione's eyes.
Oh god.
Oh great gods.
He really did love her.
Truly and fully.
Body and soul.
Severus collapsed to the frozen grounds in the forest of Dean. He was on all fours and breathing heavily as for the first time since Albus' death tears flowed freely down his face.
Why, why, WHY?
Why did there need to be a war, why did he need to be this cold heartless bastard!
But most importantly, why did he need to have fallen for her?
Abandoning, he let himself turn over and fall onto his back, barely feeling the cold terrain through his cloak. His face was screwed up in mask of complete anguish as he let out the agonizing scream he'd been holding in since that fateful night when he'd taken the great wizard's life.
Hermione.
Oh god.
He lay there sobbing uncontrollably as snow continued to fall on him. Inside, he was drowning under the weight of his responsibilities, under the weight of his past actions, under the weight of losing her as well as every single person he's ever loved.
He cried and yelled hysterically, trying to free himself from all his pain, from all his suffering as he struggled to remain afloat, to not drown in his agony.
Hermione…
Hermione!
HERMIONE!
He needed her. He needed her like a flower needed sunlight and water, like a man needed oxygen.
And so, he managed to pull himself out of the lake of his own despair and find that door.
The locked door that hid all his memories of her.
All his best memories.
But where was the key?
And that sobered him.
He stopped crying, rose to his feet and instantly his mask was back up.
He needed to do this.
As he hastily wiped his tears off his cheeks with the back of his hand, he was crazily reminded that all this pain had made him feel human for the first time in a long while.
An insane thought that made him even more convinced to bring back his rock-solid facade.
There would be no more cracking in his defenses.
It was his duty.
He needed to do this.
But his patronus had to be a doe. She couldn't know about the otter that resembled her so greatly. She needed to believe that he had always loved Lily.
And so, he did what he had done during more than half of his life. He disguised his patronus, willed it to take the shape he had hidden for so long, thus insuring that it was a doe that led the boy to the sword.
Then, Severus left, totally devoid of any emotion. …
Hermione sat on the soft white sheet that covered her bed at Shell Cottage, while staring at the word etched across her right forearm. No amount of Dittany seemed to be able to erase her new scar.
Mudblood.
She traced the rough edges of the word that Bellatrix had carved into her arm, transfixed.
Up, down, tracing letter by letter with her finger.
She bit back the sob that threatened to escape her tightly closed lips as she read the word.
Because, each and every single time she read it, it was in his voice that it was screamed in her head.
Mudblood.
…
She had been tortured but he didn't care. Couldn't care, otherwise the pain would overtake him and make him lose his mind. He was emotionless, unfeeling and blank.
He needed to be like that.
Cold snarky bastard.
Sarcastic old bat.
Evil ugly git.
Keep up the appearances.
Don't let it show.
Hold on just for today.
Almost there.
Almost done.
Almost dead.
…
This was it.
The battle was near.
Hermione paced inside of the room of Requirement, waiting for it to start.
She was ready.
She was a cold strong warrior.
She could do this.
It was almost, almost over.
She didn't think of Severus, didn't wonder where he was and if he was thinking of her. Instead, all her thoughts were concentrated on finding and destroying the last of the Horcruxes and hoping, desperately hoping that Harry wouldn't die.
He was the Chosen One and this was his destiny.
…
'My Lord-'
'The Elder Wand cannot serve me properly, Severus, because I am not its true master. The Elder Wand belongs to the wizard who killed its last owner. You killed Albus Dumbledore. While you live, Severus, the Elder Wand cannot be truly mine.'
Then, Severus knew.
Even as he let out a protesting : 'My Lord!' He knew his time was up.
He was going to die.
The realisation shot through him, coursing through his every vein, muscle and organ.
This was it.
'It cannot be any other way,' Voldemort was saying coldly, as detached and as deadly as Severus had crafted himself to be, but, in the end, he had…
He had failed.
'I must master the wand, Severus. Master the wand, and I master Potter at last.' He had failed to give the boy the last bit of information, the crucial final piece of the puzzle that would enable him to defeat the Dark Lord once and for all.
Regret filled him up to the brim, threatening to make him break down. All his work, his countless years spent trying to right his wrong, all of that in vain.
But he wouldn't give up. He was stronger than that. He watched the bastard raise his wand and slash the surrounding air and as he raised his own to meet the threat, momentarily thinking he'd been spared, that he been given another chance, a final chance, to redeem himself. But then, the spherical glass cage holding the serpent rolled over and Severus could only observe as death came rolling to him, locking him in a cage invisible to the eye, similar to the one he'd been in for more than half his life.
'Kill.'
Severus tried, tried to rip the cage off, desperately tried to free himself, but to no avail. Nagini lunged and his powerful fangs pierced his neck.
As he fell to his knees his thoughts jumped from his failures, to the outcome of the war, to the pain, the pain that wrapped him all up before settling, finally, after all this time, on her.
Outside, he could feel his life rapidly leaving his body, as fast as the blood gushing out of his neck. The poison in the snake's fangs was burning it's way through his veins, and somehow he knew that once it had reached his heart, he would be fully paralyzed. He became so acutely aware of every nerve in his body, a cruel effect of the spreading poison.
But inside, he was running, racing, out of breath, full of pain, falling, now crawling, to that one door. The dark hidden door that withheld all his memories of her.
Hermione!
He reached it, and as he tried to open it, he remembered.
He couldn't open the door for he had thrown away the key.
Instead he lay there, crumpled on the floor, a dark pool of black robes sobbing with grief, separated, by a wall of his own making, from the only being that had ever truly loved him. He screamed out in his mind, in more pain by the separation than from the actual poison that was killing him. He scratched hysterically at the door, yanking on the knob, pounding on the frame, in total and utter agony. After all he'd went through, he wasn't even allowed peace, wasn't even allowed to be with the one he loved. Part of him wanted to die, right then and there, but his other half cried out for any, any last small moment he could spend with her, even if they were only in his mind. The physical pain was nothing, nothing to this internal torture. Why couldn't he be with her? Why was fate denying him, him a dying man, his final wish? All he cared about, all that he had ever wanted, body mind and soul, was hidden behind that evil, evil door. Tears were pouring freely out of his eyes, suffering paralyzing his whole body. But, he didn't give up. He kept hitting the door, bashing his fists against it, ripping it's wood off, bit by bit with his nails, throttling the door nob. Over and over and over, as the nightmare continued, never waking from his own self-created hell.
Hermione!
He screamed her name, roaring it with so much raw passion that his voice left him and he was breathless, but still achingly hoping that maybe, somehow, it would bring her to him.
And then, suddenly, so suddenly. she was there.
Behind the Potter boy and in front of Weasley, a breathtaking vision of beauty and pain all in one soft portrait.
Oh god, oh gods, she was there!
With him at last!
He drank in the sight of her, committing every last small detail of her appearance memory. From her tear-filled soft eyes, to her wild hair he loved so much, to the few thin scratches that were on her gorgeous face. She'd grown up in the past year, her face becoming more elegant and defined, but still bearing signs of being slightly underfed.
But the anguish.
The anguish is what tore his eyes away from her's, that made him remember his role as his gaze crossed the path of the Potter's. Lily's son holding his neck, trying to stop the flow of blood.
He wanted to chastise the boy, no, not anymore, the man, for attempting to stop death from taking him. Rather, he used what little energy he had left to give him his memories.
'Take… it…' Each word was like another stab to heart, for his last words should've been for her!
To tell her how much he loved her.
'Take… it…'
He watched as realization crossed the boy and how quickly she was to react.
She was truly brilliant.
The flask was conjured and their eyes met for the first time and last time.
Gods, she was so beautiful.
But, he. Couldn't. Look. At. Her.
Not after he'd so carefully crafted the lie that he had always and only loved Lily. She needed to believe it. Otherwise, he would hurt her more than he'd already had. She could never know how much he loved her.
Never.
So, he ripped his eyes from her's, and focused on his last words.
'Look… at … me…' Harry turned but Severus didn't see anything anymore. He was back inside his head, standing up as energy filled his core. The door in front of him, mocking him, was blasted aside as a rush of memories flooded his mind.
Hermione face being lit up by her tentative smile, making all her delicate features shine.
Hermione coming to him in the dead of night, to be with him, to hold him, to kiss him.
Hermione concentrating on the potion she was brewing, as she nibbled on her poor bottom lip.
Hermione's doe-brown eyes meeting his as he sat at the high table, separated by his morals and role, soft eyes that brightened as she gazed into his black one's.
Hermione's scent engulfing him, making him lightheaded with happiness.
Hermione's lips on his, his hand in her bushy hair, his other holding her waist.
Hermione's heartbeat thudding loudly in the dark Astronomy tower as they haltingly grew closer and closer together.
Hermione's twinkling laugh, a sound so pure he wanted to hear every single second of every single day.
Hermione, Hermione, Hermione.
Oh gods, Hermione!
All his precious memories swirling around him as he gazed at each one in turn as they slowly encased him in a whirlwind of blindingly warm light.
And then...
Darkness.
…
Hermione was freefalling.
Time seemed to have slowed down incredibly.
There was noise all around her, something that sounded like Voldemort's voice, but it was all hazy for Hermione.
She didn't feel anything.
She was completely devoid of feeling as she watched Harry get up with Ron. Still she stood kneeling next to the dark robes that were slowly being flooded by metallic smelling liquid.
It was as if nothing of all this was real.
Severus wasn't dying, he couldn't be, he…
Oh gods.
Reality slapped Hermione so hard she lost balance and almost fell to the floor.
He was dying.
Severus was dying.
'No!' The yelp left her lips and both boys turned to her as she leapt forward, tearing the bottom of her shirt off before putting it on his neck. Holding it there with one hand, with the other she frantically open her beaded purse and accioed a bottle of Blood Replenishing potion. She then yanked the top off and slowly poured it's contents down Severus' throat, taking care not to choke him.
Agony started coursing through her as she realized that she might lose him.
She might lose Severus.
'What are you doing?' Harry demanded suddenly, but Ron shushed his friend.
Oh Merlin, oh Merlin, no, you can't take him from me.
'Go to Dumbledore's office Harry, go, I'll take care of her.' Seeing as Harry wasn't moving, Ron shoved him towards the exit of the Shrieking shack with a last forceful 'GO!', before kneeling next to Hermione, grabbing her purse and accioying a bezoar.
YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM! She was screaming inside, dying inside, being torn apart from the pain, oh gods, the pain!
'Harry used this to heal me, remember?' Ron said breathlessly as he shoved the stone down Severus' throat, massaging the side that wasn't still bleeding. Hermione was only able to nod, knowing full and well that if she opened her mouth she would lose it.
The only thing keeping her together was the fact that Severus was still shallowly breathing.
She was still remaining strangely calm on the outside because she knew that panicking would do nothing for him.
She couldn't lose him.
Severus.
Severus, Severus, no.
No, no, no.
She kept shaking her head, desperately as she pushed the ripped piece of her shirt on his open wound.
But the blood flow wasn't stopping.
Oh gods, it wasn't stopping.
A hysterical yell bubbled inside her and she let it out as she collapsed on his blood-stained body.
SEVERUS! He couldn't leave her, he couldn't, no, no, no!
Ron was talking in her ear, telling her she needed to get up, that she would crush him, but she was sobbing into his chest, holding him to her, breathing in his comforting scent.
She was so lost.
So, agonizingly lost.
She couldn't lose him!
Tears were blurring her vision, she felt a stabbing pain in her gut similar to a knife slash.
Gods, they couldn't take him away from her!
No, no, no!
Please, not him!
Her mind seemed to be shutting down because of the pain. And the pain! Oh it was everywhere, from her head to her toes, to her very heart, tearing her from the inside.
Then it came to her.
Vulnera Sanentur.
She jerked off his robes and started to wave her wand over his open wound.
'Vulnera- Vul-' She tried again, this time closing her eyes as she moved her wand over his wound and stroked his hair.
He wasn't going to leave her.
'Vulnera Sanentur, Vulnera Sanentur, Vulnera Sanentur' She kept repeating it, repeating the spell he'd taught her more than a year ago, growing more and more calm, until she felt Ron's hand on her shoulder and she opened her eyes. She looked at Severus' pale face and at his now closed wound on his neck.
Severus.
'I'm going to levitate him, okay? Just keep- Keep repeating that spell.' And she did.
She repeated it as they walked back to the castle, walked through the maze of the battle and the stench of death.
She poured her heart and soul into that spell, never taking her hand from his limp one she had grabbed as they had left the shack.
She was his and he wouldn't leave her.
She gazed at his closed eyes and dark features.
Severus.
Long, hooked nose.
Full black eyebrows.
Chiseled pale face.
She didn't let any of it escape her scrutiny.
Severus.
Back in the castle, she kept repeating the spell, even though the wound had long since closed and his breathing had started up again. She was dimly aware of Ron explaining the situation to Madam Pomfrey, but apart from that she was unfeeling. It was as if her mind had left her body for fear that the amount of pain she was in would kill her. She had returned to the state she had been in when she's seen Severus be struck down by Nagini.
It felt like a lifetime ago.
Then, because she knew that if she laid down next to him she wouldn't be able to get back up, she left him to rejoin the battle. She only left him because she knew she had to. She was so absent, as is seeing him almost dying had robbed her of all feeling.
But, a part of her stayed with him, holding on to him as he slept, peacefully unaware that he was still alive.
Author's note: Phew, what a ride!
Listen guys, I am so so so so SORRY! I haven't updated in a century almost! Yes life got busy, but I still feel pretty shitty for the time it took me to update. I truly apologize and I will try my best to never do that again.
Now for the story, please bear with me the fact that a bezoar and some blood-replenishing potion and Vulnera Sanentur probably wouldn't have work in JK Rowling's version, but I wanted Severus to live, okay :P And I think you guys wanted that too.
As always, dialogue you recognize is taken from the book.
Please let me know what you thought! This was a long chapter for me to write and I put lots of effort into it. I know I'm a shitty updater, but maybe you guys can forgive me and review? Pretty please with a cherry on top?
See you guys soon! :)