Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.
PART II
CHAPTER SIXTY
.02 PERCENT OPIUM SOLUTION
Neal was settling into a Die Hard marathon and hoping the dimming lights didn't mean more lingering problems from the ice wall power outage when someone knocked rather urgently on his door. He was surprised to find Regina on the other side.
"Don't tell me Dr. Whale finally got the DNA test results and we're family for realsies?"
"No," Regina huffed with a glare. "And I'd almost managed to forget about that!"
Neal scratched the back of his neck and went to the next most-likely scenarios on his Regina-Mills-Middle-Of-The-Night-House-Calls list. "Right, so... Henry did something bad? Raised the dead? Kissed a girl?" It really was in that order. Sadly. His son had too much of his grandfather in him... though all things considered that was maybe better than having more of his mother in him. The undead could always be re-killed. You couldn't uncatch herpes.
"I should hope not the later or he'll be needing someone to raise him from the dead," Regina stated. "No, Emma has locked herself in the Library's elevator using magic. I had to leave a very important meeting to try and get her out. But I have been unable to unseal the door or get into the elevator magically. She has some kind of barrier spell up," she huffed, "that your father thinks may be something she learned in that other timeline as the Dark One and is... I don't know... reinforced by that damned clock tower being the nexus point that anchored the Dark Curse to Storybrooke and begat it's creation... though considering that old weirdo brought magic here through the wishing well, he could be bullshitting just to sound important now that he has no magic," she harumphed.
Neal sighed. "I think the nexus thing is legit. He used it to anchor the Olympian Crystal to Storybrooke to... I dunno... take over the world or something in the other timeline. To be honest, I was still too pissed off at Zeus bringing Hook back from the dead again to fuck my baby mama to pay attention to my old man's latest megalmanical scheme that made my martyrdom a useless crock of shit."
"That's nice," Regina absently replied, having tuned out everything after 'legit'. "Can we go now or do you need to change into something even more hobo-like?
"I dunno, can you change into something less anal-retentive-politician-pant-suit?" Neal countered as he grabbed his keys and joined her in the hallway. "What happened to that one t-shirt you owned that you wore that one time? Was that your pretending-to-like-comic-books-to-mind-fuck-Henry-into-unwriting-him-from-existence-so-I-can-get-laid costume? Or that just still in the laundry?"
Regina kicked him in the shin.
"Too soon?" Neal quipped. "I mean, I know you and Robin dated for all of a week based on a tat and fairy narcotics-"
"Keep talking, person," Regina threatened, "and I will transfigure you into a bound and gagged whore and leave you tied up on Hook's ship!"
"So... what you're saying is, it's a struggle not to give into your Evil Queen tendencies."
"Oh, don't think I didn't give in trying to blast open that door!" Regina told him on the way downstairs, then grudgingly admitted, "Yes, all right. It hasn't been easy. And everyone has been avoiding me. I expected the other parents to bring torches and pitchforks to Henry's PTA meeting."
"There was a PTA meeting?" Neal asked, surprised. "No one told me."
"Why would they?" scoffed Regina. "You've been in Henry's life for a matter of weeks. Besides, Emma didn't show up either. Not that she ever has, even with all of her threats that I was a terrible mother and a sociopath. She's just like her mother. Who, incidentally, didn't show up either, not that I'm surprised. Her students probably learn more on Facebook than whatever she teaches. Basketweaving or bird calls. Who the hell knows. At least Henry's science teacher was there, and at least he actually teaches science rather than astrology-based magical-creationist bullshit that the Forest Dwellers have been lobbying at every City Council meeting to make mandatory in school. They would never have even gotten a foot in the door if it wasn't for Snow's idiotic policies during her two weeks as mayor. Don't get me started on her 'fireside chats' that she and her dolt husband actually think means having a half dozen of their fealty-oathed followers bickering in her office at City Hall for an hour. Of course, their brains were rotting from syphilis, but American History is the fourth grade curriculum! What was she teaching Henry? That World War Two was just a big misunderstanding started by a misguided failed painter who just wanted to shoot everyone with kindness? I wanted the Curse to keep everyone complacent, not completely stupid."
"Yeah, well, you probably should have gone to more PTA meetings and fewer bullshit Council Meetings here to fuck Graham instead back when Henry was little," Neal informed with a shrug on the way out of the Inn.
Regina glowered. "Emma told you about that, did she?"
"My father, actually. Back when we were briefly talking to each other."
"He'll still upset about taking his magic, is he?" snorted Regina.
"A bit, yeah."
On the way down Main Street, Neal asked, "So... any idea why Emma magic-locked herself in the Library?"
"I don't know," admitted Regina. "Ordinarily, I'd blame you for that, but since you've been avoiding her all week and she's only now having a breakdown..."
"I haven't been avoiding her," Neal grumbled, hands in his pockets and avoiding a sparking streetlight, "I'm just giving her space. Emma has a lot of shit she needs to work out, and her constantly crapping on herself doesn't fix anything. Like you pretending you're making a difference when you're just making yourself feel better by cleaning up your messes. It's a reverse sort of narcissism. The more you hate on yourself for acting like an asshole, the better person you are. When the truth is, you're still just an asshole."
"Thanks for that pearl of wisdom," Regina scoffed. "Now talk your ex-girlfriend out before she causes another power outage."
Entering the Library, they found a small group had already gathered. Belle was looking through an elevator manual while Rumple sat a table tapping his cane on the floor and shooting dirty looks at Hook who was, again, eating Funyuns with his pointy-toed boots up on a table. Henry was playing Candy Crush on his phone and Ruby was using the computer at the circulation desk.
Neal walked over to Henry.
"Hey, buddy, how was school?"
"Dumb as always," Henry answered, not looking up. "Mom had a meeting with the other loser parents about making the subjects not suck as much."
"Clearly one of the subjects in need of improvement is English," griped Regina, taking his phone. "Your elocution was abysmal enough when you returned from New York, but it's become atrocious, Henry. Even worse than this person's," she scoffed at Neal who rolled his eyes.
Henry rolled his eyes too.
"Now you sound like Belle."
"I never sound like Belle," Regina corrected.
"Is that supposed to be an insult?" Belle huffed at the pair.
Regina ignored them and asked Henry, "Did you talk to your mother?"
"She told me to 'go away'."
"At least she didn't tell him to fu-"
Regina turned the mouse Ruby was using into a real mouse which squeaked and ran away. "Language!"
"Hey, I was using that! And I'm the Sheriff!"
"You're the Sheriff?" Neal asked, confused. "I thought David's suspension was over?"
"It is, but Emma made me Sheriff. She resigned like an hour ago. Gave some speech about how she was a fraud who'd been lying to everyone and didn't deserve it."
"Wonderful," sighed Regina.
The power surged again.
"Maybe we should shut off the circuit breaker," considered Belle.
"Maybe we should break our way in without magic," said Hook.
"By all means, use your Swiss army hook," scoffed Regina. "You seem to have gotten it enchanted to cut anything. Accept your calorie intake."
"I am not fat!" Hook whined.
"You do have a bit of a gut there, mate," pointed Neal.
"It's not my fault!" whined Hook. "The grocery won't take doubloons, the Italian place got shut down when someone found out the veal parmesan was really made of stray dogs. And Granny only servers heart attacks on a plate!"
The lights flickered again and Ruby inquired, "How is she doing that?"
"Magic, obviously," quipped Rumple, looking bored and annoyed as he twisted his cane with his palms like he was trying to start a fire in the linoleum.
"Yes, but why now?" Regina wondered. "Unless I'm mistaken, the only time she had this sort of breakdown was when Ingrid manipulated her in that other timeline-"
"Most-likely using sympathetic magic with the memory stone as a harmonic device," nodded Rumple. "Emma essentially became a mirror of the younger version of herself whose wild magic was Ingrid's underlying motivation for her plot."
"But she's gone," Regina pointed out, "and the only other sorcerer here powerful enough, at least that I know of, is Maleficent who gave up her grudge against Emma and her family. And Lily wouldn't be capable of it without training which I don't believe Mal would do given her new 'love everyone' hippie mentality."
"Well, it's not like she needs some magical villain to be reduced to an emotional basketcase," shrugged Hook. "Swan's been teetering on the edge of a breakdown for awhile. I should know on account of just having had one."
"Yes, thanks for that, Captain Crunch," scoffed Regina. "We haven't forgotten that a large part of Emma's emotional and psychological instability is due to your genetic contribution and banging your own great granddaughter into a state of self-loathing after screwing your own mother."
"I didn't know I was related to any of them! And I didn't shag Swan, it was a bad copy of me spawned by Zelena's time spell and Swan buggering up her parents' meeting."
"You might not have actually shagged her, Hook, but you knew I was Henry's father. You banged my mother," Neal griped. "And then you went after Emma until she was so infatuated with you that she let me die in the damned woods without getting to see my son who now wants nothing to with me, cause I'm not a cool pirate like you! You're such an asshole!"
"Hey, I only glommed onto Emma because I felt guilty about not getting to make amends with you."
"You bro-hugged me in the hospital and we agreed everything was cool so you'd stop touching me and go away!" Neal reminded. "I died an hour later and an hour after that you were trying to bang Emma! So don't tell me it was all some misplaced guilt when you emotionally manipulated Emma into becoming a cuckolding bitch who dragged my son to fairy tale Hell and let him roam around on his own with serial killers to try and save you, you fat piece of pirate scum!"
"I am trying to change," Hook huffed. "Excuse me if I don't have an alternate personality to draw on as to how to be a better person! Excuse me if I felt I had a kindred connection with Swan that led to romantic feelings. How was I to know it stemmed from being blood kin and her going back in time and seducing me with rum and cleavage?"
"That's not the point!" Neal snapped.
"He's never going to get the point," sighed Regina, pinching the bridge of her nose. "His brain is too rotted from syphilis to understand the concept socially unacceptable behavior. And I'm beginning to think Emma's not in much better shape considering how quickly she apparently turned into a dumb skank in the other timeline. If Whale's experimental brain transplant hadn't turned Snow into a mass-murderer I'd sign Emma up for one... and I actually, since that one," she gestured to Hook, "is already a murderer who wears his victims rings as trophies, I can't see how any brain could make him worse."
"Not nice!" wined Hook.
"But not wrong," said Belle with a shrug. "As for Emma, honestly, she's always been a dumb skank, she's just gotten worse at hiding it. Like she told Ruby, she's a fraud. The rest of you are just too self-centered and distracted by her tight pants and blonde hair to have noticed sooner. I mean, she slept with a flying monkey! And then even worse, she was going to - and did in another reality - sleep with Hook."
"Hey, am not worse than a flying monkey!"
"Said flying monkey was a huxter not a murdering rapist, so worse," Belle directed at Hook who glared.
Belle continued, "She threw herself at Hook after Neal's funeral even though the creep sexually assaulted her on her doorstep and told her he was happy her heart was broken, implied so he still had a chance of getting in her pants. Emma's a shallow, horny idiot with terrible judgment who says she wants to be a better person and save us all, but all she's been doing since she got here, when not picking fights with Regina to pretend like she's badass and actually cares because she liked people thinking she was badass and caring about her - it's an orphan thing - is moping around like an emo teenager - also an orphan thing - and neglecting her actual emo teenage son as badly as her idiot parents have her brother - which I guess is Charming Family thing. We'd be better off if we gave her a memory potion and kicked her over the town line."
"She's The Savior," Henry pointed out, rolling his eyes. "Magic would just bring her back here somehow, probably after screwing us all over again."
"True," Regina agreed. "We can't just send her away because she's gone crazy. Never mind that her magic seems to work, at least somewhat, in the outside world, so it would be dangerous to send a mentally and magically unstable woman out there, even with faulty memories. She could hurt someone and not know why - and that could lead more people we don't want to this town."
"She's our problem," stated Rumple. "We have to deal with her."
"She's your problem," Regina argued. "You made her your Curse loophole."
"No, I simply made use of a convenient get out of jail card provided by her parents and that wizard who let themselves get manipulated by a psychotic scribe. She's The Charmings' problems. And conveniently, they're not here, once again displaying what terrible parents they are."
"Got that right," snorted Ruby. "Their son probably thinks he has two dads named Grumpy and Sleepy. Last week they actually took him along to their hospital night shift."
"To be fair, Snow and David were out mass-murdering people," Hook reminded. "Better they left the brat with the Dwarves."
"Please, they're useless and incompetent," Regina argued. "They had more intelligence when they were Cursed than they do in their natural sheep-minded, Snow's-ass-kissing form."
"True," agreed Ruby. "Grumpy's all but given up on Nova. He just accepts that the Blue Fairy was right and Dwarves and Fairies shouldn't mix, that they can't possibly have true love for each other."
"Bigoted bitch," declared Hook.
"You're just upset they're nuns in a convent instead of whores in a brothel," Regina stated.
"Well, that too. There's not a single whorehouse in this town! It's unnatural! How's one supposed to shag in the back of these auto-car things? And the ally behind The Rabbit Hole smells like vomit and urine."
"So, like the hold of your ship," said Belle.
"That's not my fault. I had no idea my crew left it in a mess and then I was stuck in Cora's bubble for twenty-eight years. And I couldn't air it out while hiding from you lot. And then Prince Charming threw up all over the place on the way to Neverland!"
"Don't you find it weird," wondered Ruby, "that some people were actually better as their cursed selves? I mean, why is that? Sure, Snow turned into an insecure doormat, but she also genuinely cared about people unrelated to her and maintaining the well-being of children with constant vigilance and guidance rather than dumping them off on dark witches and random baby sitters to... I honestly don't know what she and Charming do when they regularly abandon their child and their jobs."
"Ride around in that truck looking for injured squirrels to nurse back to health, probably," said Regina and everyone sniggered.
"She did also sleep with Whale," Ruby remembered. "Of course, she was drunk, and to be honest, even being straight up gay, cursed to be straight, he was probably a better lay than David."
"Yeah, those two are so boring!" agreed Hook.
"Totally," nodded Henry. "Missionary position on their dumb rose print sheets. They think it's kinky if they do it during the day."
Everyone looked at him in shock and he shrugged, "What? I walked in them with Emma last year. They were all giggly and whatever. There's steamier sex on network TV at eight o'clock."
"No TV for a month," Regina told him. "And I am bitch-slapping those two for letting my son walk in on them having their vanilla missionary sex."
She amended to Henry, "You are not having sex with anyone until you are at least twenty-one! But when you do, do not under any circumstance do anything those two idiots advise. I will not have my son's future true love forced to fake orgasms because of the advice of two fools who probably were raised taking abstinence pledges and believing babies were brought by storks until some servant had to explain it on their wedding night. I mean, Snow was literally five months pregnant before those two dimwits even realized she was knocked up again. I almost bitch-slapped her right then when she told me. Really? How shocking? You've only looked like you swallowed a soccer ball for a month already!"
"Oh, yeah, that was stupid," sniggered Ruby. "I mean, I totally smelled when she got preggers, but since they'd unfriended me after Emma broke the Curse, I was like, hell if I'm gonna tell them. I bet if Maleficent's magic tree never told them Snow was knocked up with Emma they'd have had like a Blue Lagoon moment. What's happening to me, Charming!? It's huuuuuuuuurts! Morons. Even Ella has more parenting skills than those two, and she's like got an IQ barely above 'developmentally challenged' who makes those freaks on Teen Mom look intelligent."
"Yes," interjected, Rumple, "we all know they are all utterly incompetant, but I say better the boy learn about sex from two blithering idiots than a rapist."
"Oh, right," nodded Ruby. "I forgot about your raping Graham for like forty years."
Henry sputtered, "You raped Graham?"
Regina huffed. "Oh, it's not a big deal. He was a ruthless assassin who killed people for money and allowed the animals he hunted to suffer needlessly as he prayed to a false God over them to feel superior. I'm sure he derived some perverse pleasure from being my sex slave. And I like to thinking making him a lovable, if spineless, man who looked after you and cared genuinely for abandoned animals was a way of helping him see a better part of himself before he died."
"Before you killed him!" Henry exclaimed.
"Yeah, just because he drunk kissed Emma," nodded Ruby. "You are such a rapist, Regina."
"Well, at least I didn't maul my boyfriend to death!"
"Hey, that was Snow's fault!"
"Who's more the fool? The fool or the fool who follows them and then mauls their boyfriend to death?"
With a superior look of victory, Regina declared, "Enough of this!" She walked to the elevator's mirrored door and ordered loudly, "Come out of there this instant, Miss Swan!"
"FUCK OFF, RAPIST!" Emma shouted back.
Hook mused, "You have to admit, it's rather ironic that Cora was raped and both her daughters turned out to be rapists. Am I right?"
Regina stalked over and magically Vader slammed his chair back into the wall, pinning him by the throat while hissing, "I may have made a ruthless killer my sex slave... and then killed him, and then used magic to pair people up with partners they never would have slept with otherwise, but at least they were without their memories and enjoyed it. You've raped hundreds of innocent women and you still pretend it was the art of wine and seduction and all of their groggy cries of 'no, please stop' were playing hard to get, when all you were doing was getting them blackout drunk and sticking your diseased cock inside them to feel like you were still a strong, virile man rather than the pathetic, impotent bitch of a teenage boy."
She let Hook go then, leaving him coughing and wheezing. Finally he sputtered out, "You're mean!"
"Regina's mean. The sky is blue. The Enchanted Forest's atmosphere is point zero two percent opium," said Belle. "And for the record, you're both disgusting murdering rapists who should go to actual Hell because saying you're a good person now is not redemption, it's being a delusion disgusting murdering rapist who's just discovered being praised for sitting on your ass is an easier way to fuel your narcissism than cultivating fear through constant acts of violence. You both suck."
"Belle, I thought we were friends," Hook croaked out while rubbing his throat.
Belle rolled her eyes. "No, I was just pretending to be your friend so I could betray you and watch you cry like the little bitch we all know you are."
"You're even meaner than Regina!"
"And don't forget it, pirate slut!"
"Can we get back to Emma and her self-made magical prison?" sighed Ruby. "Before she fries the power grid and Hook has to eat all the food in the diner's freezer and turns into Jabba the Hutt?"
"I think you mean Pizza the Hutt," Belle corrected.
"Ha! True!"
"Stop body shaming me!" Hook cried. "And you dress like a stripper from the waist down, Belle! But it's not fooling anyone. We all know you're a boring, prudish nerd and loving books makes you a creepy, antisocial introvert who'll end up with a dozen cats.
"Look at Henry," Hook gestured to the unarguably antisocial, friendless teen. "He was a cool video game playing brat with tons of friends when he forgot about books, then he came back here and he's right back to being a friendless loser whose only escape was to embrace his loser-ness with that quill, but he broke it, which I respect, because who'd want that shitty destiny? But now he doesn't even have some lame-arse magical device to pretend he's important."
"Fuck you, mate!" Henry growled at the pirate and stalked out of the Library in a moody huff.
"Well, thank you for that," groaned Regina, glaring at both Ruby and Hook. "I am trying to maintain some level of authority in this relationship since he has lost all respect for his birth parents. Did you really have to point out Henry's hero inferiority complex too? Now he'll probably fall down a mine shaft again. I thought you were going to therapy? Have you learned nothing?"
Hook shrugged. "Archie's a good chap, but I'm more of the Dr. Phil approach."
"You're going to therapy with Archie? Didn't you torture him?" asked Ruby.
"I let him punch me a couple of times to make it even," shrugged Hook. "He's kind of a pansy. Didn't even need an ice pack."
"Wonderful," interjected Rumple. "Since we seem to have given up on the matter of the dimwitted blonde locked in the elevator to bicker over pointless trivialities-"
"I don't think Henry's emotional problems or the disturbing number of murderers and rapists in this family are pointless trivialities, Papa," said Neal.
"Yes, well, you never had a teenager in your home, did you?" Rumple countered. "Now, since you all clearly care more about food and sex than your savior - and I can't say that I blame you - I am going home to have some soup, ice my ankle, and lament over the fact that all of you useless pinheads only call me when one of you has done something magically idiotic, even when I no longer have magic to fix your mess. How terribly pathetic that is. And then, hopefully, have sex with my wife!"
Rumple flipped them all off before limping out of the Library.
Everyone looked at Belle who signed and grumbled, "This is ridiculous!"
She banged on the door next. "Emma, open up this instant!"
"NO!"
"Stop acting like a child!"
"STOP ACTING LIKE A STOCKHOLM SYNDROME VICTIM!"
Regina and Ruby both snorted at that but Belle got huffy. "Excuse me?" she snapped at the locked door. "Stockholm Syndrome is more than the victim being captive. The person changes their beliefs and morals based on what the captors are. I never did that, but you did. If anything Rumple has changed his beliefs and the way he does things for me. Stockholm sufferers are willing to risk those that would rescue them in favor of their captor. I never did that. But you? They become dependent on their captor, life revolves around them. I have attempted to move on when necessary. I have not defined myself by Rumple.. I have constantly put him in his place and disagreed with his methods.
"But you? It hasn't even taken the events of an alternate timeline to have watched you make it all about Hook. The victim is irrational when it comes to protecting their captor. I protected Rumple but not in an irrational way. You went to extremes to lie, cover up, take away memories and blame your family all to protect a man who stalked you, emotionally manipulated you, and threatened to murder your entire family, and maliciously used your deepest insecurities to make you feel like trash until you became dependent on his praise to feel good about yourself. Rumple has never wished me dead, or made threats, or made me feel like garbage. But guess who fits that description? You and Captain Fatty McBalding over there. So take your pop-psychology bullshit and shove it up your high school dropout hypocritical heroic ass, bitch!"
Everyone gave Belle a rather shocked look. Hook had dropped his Funyuns and even Ruby exclaimed, "Daaaaaaaaaaaamn."
Just before the power went out.
"Oh, great job!" groaned Regina. She peered out the window. "At least it's not the whole block... or town."
Belle grimaced. "I'm sorry. I'm just sick and tired of people saying I have Stockholm Syndrome when it's the lot of you," she gestured to them, "who act like you've been brainwashed! My marriage might not be perfectly healthy, but we emotionally abuse each other equally and without malicious intent. Is it wrong that Rumple lied about the dagger? Yes. But I had stabbed him in the neck with it. And both of those actions came out of being insecure about our self-worth in this family that doesn't give a shit about us and wanting to protect each other from the magical harm you all bring upon us on a regular basis!"
"She's not wrong," agreed Ruby. "Emma said you all left her pregnant under a sleeping curse trapped in The Underworld. Like you literally didn't even remember that Zelena had brought her there she was so unimportant. You barely even remembered Robin and his daughter were there, apparently. Or Henry. He just wandered around with serial killers and stuff while you guys were fangirling over Emma creaming her panties for Captain Fatty McBalding."
"Stop calling me that!" Hook huffed.
"It's a good name for you," said Belle.
"Yeah, well at least I had a woman creaming her panties over me instead of wetting her panties!"
Belle's eyes widened and she glared at Henry.
"I didn't mean to tell him, but I was kinda high."
Regina punched Neal in the arm. "I still can't believe you got my son high!"
"I was protecting him from a damned curse!"
"Hold on," Ruby interjected and asked Belle, "when did you pee yourself?"
"When do you think!? When you chaining me up and forget about me!"
Ruby rolled her eyes. "Not that again..."
"Yes, that again!"
"Hold up, chains? Kinky!" swooned Hook.
"FUCK OFF, FATTY MCBALDING!" both women snapped.
"Meanies!"
"Can we get the power back on, please!?" griped Regina.
"I got it," sighed Neal.
"I'm coming too," Ruby declared, glaring at Belle.
"At least take the pirate," Regina suggested. "Maybe he'll get electrocuted!"
AN: Neal's 'pearl of wisdom' about reverse narcissism is taken from a Bill Maher quote about PC white people: "You're pretending you're making a difference when you're just making yourself feel better... Constantly crapping on yourself doesn't fix anything. It's a reverse sort of narcissism. The more you hate on your own whiteness the better person you are." The Stockholm Syndrome bit is from rumples-leather-emporium on tumblr. And the opium bit is from The Magicians.
Next up: More high jinx trying to get Emma out of the elevator.