Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.

PART II

CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX

DRASTIC VOYAGE

"Why are we out here? It's bloody freezing!" Hook complained as they stood on the deck of the Jolly Roger with a gathering of Emma's family and friends.

"It's some sort of therapy," Regina grated out, rolling her eyes as Emma cradled a stupid rubber ducky at the aft end of the ship and trying to ignore Snow's nervous fidgeting, David playing Candy Crush on his phone, and Tinkerbell clearly trying to look up Belle's extremely short skirt every time the wind gusted.

Perhaps she should go check on Henry and his sea sickness... or she could just go over and punch Emma Swan in the face. Her concern for her son was currently at odds with her old nasty habit of wanting to kill Emma... or at least punch her in the face.

She'd been holding back ever since... well ever since she last punched her back before killing Graham - which she did semi-regret since he was at least an excellent Sheriff who didn't let the town go to complete shit. Of course, there was the violence that broke out during the Shattered Sight Curse, but that was basically a fugue state with no after-the-fact satisfaction, so it didn't really count. Which meant she was still itching to slug that blonde bimbo right in her stupid pretty face!

The only reason Regina hadn't was A) Henry would be upset with her, and B) a belief that Emma was actually a good and honest person who deserved her stupid "Savior" title, so her violent yearnings were not really deserved.

Now though, after the events of several nights ago, the former Evil Queen was reevaluating not only how sorry she was for any physical assault that took place while under that barefoot ice nutter's spell, but how legitimate her reasons to not punch Emma really were.

"This is so stupid," Regina concluded while adjusting her coat against the chilly ocean breeze.

"It's not stupid!" Snow huffed. "Archie said it would help Emma get over her trauma if she had a formalized ceremony to let go of her toy."

"I know who I'd like to let go in a formalized ceremony with my four inch heal up her ass," grumbled Belle, blue eyes set on Emma in a frigid glare.

"Why are you here?" asked Hook. "You hate all of us. Are you planning to sabotage my ship and kills us all?"

"I don't hate all of you," Belle retorted. "I wouldn't kill Henry. Or Neal. He's died enough times. You, on the other hand..."

"So you have sabotaged my ship!?"

"Why would I bother?" scoffed Belle. "It's more fun watching you die of diabetes."

"I do not have diarrhea!"

"Diabetes, you fucktard. Something you should have Dr. Whale check you for before you fall into a non-magical coma."

"Yes, well, I'd rather be in a coma than carrying the spawn of the Dark One."

Belle startled, confused. "Excuse me?"

"Nealfire said in that other timeline you and the Crocodile had a little bundle of joy, that you got in the family way before you lot came to The Underworld to save me."

Crossing her arms, Belle retorted, "Yes, well, I doubled up on birth control after 'Nealfire' informed me of Rumple's contract with that creepy racist Healer who had clearly co-opted the culture of one of the marginalized indigenous peoples of our world to appear more adept at his trade by playing on the socially indoctrinated racist beliefs of the white Enchanted Forest populace that healing skills are the only redeeming quality of those nearly extinct tribes and somehow by virtue of their being endangered that much more mysteriously powerful."

"Yes, well, maybe they are!" Hook defended. "Not Chief is helping me with my hair issues."

"You call him 'Not Chief'! That's totally racist!"

"It's the name he wants to go by because names have power and he doesn't want anyone having power over him with his real name," Hook argued, "which is a real thing in our world and this one, for your information. I do read!"

"You can read?" quipped Regina.

Hook glared at her and Belle huffed, unable to refute the pirate's argument.

"Maybe this is a good thing, what happened," Snow tried to justify. "Letting go of Mr. Quackington might be good for her."

"It's called Mr. Quackington?" Tink giggled.

"I can't decide if that's adorable or nauseating," sighed Regina.

"What I want to know," interjected Hook, "is why anyone would have a toy duck to bathe with. Ducks are horrible creatures. Besides defecating everywhere and the incessant quacking during mating season, have you ever seen them mate?"

"True," nodded Tink. "All those cute little fluffy yellow chicks are rape babies. Bet people don't tell their kids that when they go to feed them. The birds and the bees and the duck gang raping."

"Mother nature is a wondrous thing," said Hook as he drank from his flask.

Tinkerbell punched him in the arm. "Only you would think using ducks as a legitimization of rape is a 'wondrous thing'. You are such an asshole."

"Hey, why don't you go punch Swan? She's the one who burned your house down! Also, why are you even here?"

"I'm considering it," retorted the ex-fairy, "but you've been an asshole for three hundred years. Emma's only been one for thirty at the most. And because Ruby is here investigating the Harbor Patrol who are possibly using mermaids to smuggle contraband into Storybrooke and I'm going to join her on a stakeout later and we're going to shag."

"Too much information," grumbled David.

"Not enough information!" countered Hook who jumped out of the way to avoid getting punched by the ex-fairy.

"All of you shut up!" Belle hissed. "I can't hear Emma's stupid ceremonial speech so I can make fun of it later!"

Emma was now standing by "the plank" now with her rubber ducky and tearfully proclaiming, "You were a good friend, Mr. Quackington. I know I never said it. I acted like it was stupid to need you, but you were always there when I got scared as a kid, when there was no one else. But I see now that I'm grown up that it was kind of unhealthy to use you to block out a lot of stuff instead of dealing with it. So that's why I have to let you go. Safe travels. I hope you find a new home and a family who loves you!"

As she dropped the rubber ducky overboard, Ruby joined them from down bellow and snorted, "That stupid duck will find its way to that massive garbage pile in the ocean I saw on that Discovery Channel show that time the remote batteries died, probably. Which this ship should be in. It smells like pirate BO and seagull farts."

"That's not my fault! I don't have a crew to clean it!" defended Hook.

"We should totally push her overboard, right?" Belle interjected. "Whose with me!"

"Okay, you really need to get back together with Rumple," ordered Regina. "I dislike you both intensely, but you're both less annoying and prone to murdering people when you're having sex with each other. Just stay on your doubled-up birth control and everyone's happy."

"He was trying to get his Dark One magic back!"

Hook shrugged. "So what? Doesn't he always do that? And didn't he kick the habit eventually in that other timeline? I mean, otherwise, my evil spawn couldn't have spawned a resurrected Dark One spawn. So there must be some hope that he stayed sober."

"Or he died," Tinkerbell shrugged. "Emma was never clear on who was still alive other than Captain Oedipus."

"Shut up! I didn't want to sleep with my mum!"

"This is boring," Regina declared. "I'm going home."

She poofed herself away.

"Damn it," sighed David, "I was going to ask if she could take me with her."

Snow punched him in the arm. "We're trying to be supportive!"

"Emma doesn't want us here! We're the ones who traumatized her! Archie specifically said not to come, but you wouldn't listen! I thought it was just the syphilis making your irrationally prone to stupid decisions that cause your loved one's pain, but it seems to be an actual character flaw you inherited from your father!"

Snow punched his other arm.

"Stop it!"

"Make me!"

Tinkerbell sighed. "Damn, I only spiked the rum with pixie dust to see what Regina would do. She must have poured hers overboard or something..."

"You spiked my rum!?" Hook howled while Emma's parents continued bickering like five-year-olds. "How much of it?"

"The two barrels in the armory that you have fake labeled as gun powder?"

"But that's all I have left! The rest was in the Library!"

"Oops?"

"I'll show you 'oops'!"

Hook tried to strangle Tinkerbell. Ruby tried to pull him off while Belle, Snow and David just shrugged. Neal wandered over, giving Emma time alone to watch her toy float away, and told them, "You are all an embarrassment. What's wrong with you? Emma is trying to deal with actual shit and you goons are bitching and throwing punches."

"Tink spiked the rum!" Hook huffed.

"Of course she did," groaned Neal and he glared at the ex-fairy. "You're going to rehab!"

"No no no! I ain't got the time!"

"Are you quoting an Amy Winehouse song?" asked Snow. "You realize she died of an overdose, right?"

"You really do need help," Belle agreed. "You're half the reason I lost my books. Never mind selling drugs to forest hobos. These two morons," she gestured to The Charmings, "might not have slaughtered all those people if the lot of them weren't high on pixie dust you cut with rat poison."

"My bad?"

"We are not morons!" Snow growled.

"I say put her in the brig," exclaimed Hook.

"No, that's cruel and unusual punishment," argued Ruby. "I told you, the ship smells. I think the bilge has a leak or something."

"Bugger!" Hook complained. "Those bloody Harbor patrol mermaid mules!"

Emma finally joined them, refusing to look at her parents. "Where's Henry?" she asked.

"He was queasy. He went to lay down," reported Snow.

"Really? I didn't see him."

Just then the ship lurched dangerously and a giant green-glowing tentacle wrapped itself around the ship!

While everyone screamed, Tink sighed, "Yep, she tossed it overboard..."

"REHAB!" everyone yelled at Tinkerbell.

David grabbed the harpoon gun -only to find it was rusted and useless.

"WHAT THE HELL, HOOK!?"

"I HAVE NO CREW AND IT RAINS ALL THE BLOODY TIME HERE!" Hook shouted.

"What are you waiting for!?" Belle demanded of Emma. "Poof us out of here!"

"I can't!" Emma cried, gesturing to her no-magic cuff.

"So have Neal take the damn thing off!"

"He did!" Emma shouted back, "but I was worried my magic would go crazy so I had Henry put it back on!"

"I HATE THIS FAMILY!" Ruby yelled before turning into a wolf and trying to attack one of the tentacles... which just turned her into a green glowing rabid monstrosity that then turn on the rest of them.

While David jabbed at Ruby with the harpoon, trying to keep her at bay, Hook and Neal tried to wrench the ship free of the monster, but all they succeeded in doing was getting thrown into the masthead as the wheel spun.

Belle frantically tried to get a cell signal to call Rumple - or Regina - only to lose her new iPhone over the side of the ship.

Emma cried out, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" in horror as the sea monster ate Mr. Quackington.

"You're right," sighed Snow to David, "we should have listened to Archie."

"So, for once in you're life you're admitting that I was right?"

"Shut up, David, and keep stabbing our former best friend before she mauls us to death or turns us into Incredible Hulks! I don't care what Henry says, he's a really stupid superhero with a really awful super power!"

"Aren't you supposed to be at that ceremony with your mother?" Archie asked upon finding Henry eating a grilled cheese at Granny's while reading a Hulk comic.

"I was, for like five minutes," Henry shrugged. "Then I said I felt sick and Mom sent me to lay down at which point I used this translocation charm that Grandpa Gold made for Belle in the case of an emergency to come back here."

"Henry, stealing may be in your blood, but that doesn't mean you should give into the impulse!"

Suddenly Leroy burst into the diner and shouted, "EVERYONE, COME QUICK! THERE'S A GIANT GLOWING GREEN SEA MONSTER IN THE HARBOR!"

Archie gave Henry a nasty look and the teen sighed and muttered, "Oh farts."

"Emmmmaaaaaa! Nooooooooooo!" Snow cried when the sea monster grabbed her daughter and pulled her into the water.

"Are you going to jump in after her?" asked Belle as the sea continued to froth, tentacles slamming against the ship and ripping pieces off.

"I don't see you jumping in!" Tink shot at Belle.

"She's not my blood relation."

"What's wrong with you people!?" Neal snapped, snatching the harpoon from David and jumping overboard.

"What the hell, man!?" David shouted, "that was my only protection against-"

Mutant Green Wolf Ruby slammed into them all... and as Hook screamed like a little girl certain he was about to get his throat ripped out, Ruby transformed back into a normal-sized not glowing wolf... for some reason without her clothes.

"Why are you naked?" asked David.

"Pixie dust spiked squid toxin must have burned 'em off," Ruby answered, unconcerned. "It is cold out here, though."

"Not that cold," said Hook who had a very obvious erection.

Belle 'accidentally' knee'd him in the crotch while getting up and Hook yelped and observed, "The sea monster is gone! It must have transformed back to it's normal self too."

"Hey, was it just the drug-filled haze," Ruby asked, looking around, "or did Emma and Neal fall overboard?"

"Technically Emma was dragged overboard by the monster and Neal jumped in after her."

"Do you think it transformed back before or after trying to eat them?" wondered Tink. "And if it did eat them first, would it have time to digest them with its toxins or would they explode out of it as it shrunk?"

"What is wrong with you?" Belle snapped. "Neal is your friend and he could be dead!"

"I'm a drug addict and a fairy who by our nature are a few test questions short of being bona fide psychopaths. We don't do empathy well."

Snow burst into tears. "We failed her again, Charming!"

David patted his wife on the back. "I'm sure they fell down a convenient portal or something and will be fine."

Suddenly the silence was cut through by the blaring of a conch shell and they looked down at a familiar mermaid from Neverland. "A portal to me my sister's dinner table, bitches! We're going to feast on your stupid Savior and then make necklaces from her teeth! Suck it, human trash!"

"I'm not human!" Tink argued. "And I thought that night in the lagoon meant something!"

"I was stealing your pixie dust, you stupid fairy!" the mermaid shouted back. "I only have a human vagina once a year and even I know how to use it better than you!"

She gave them the finger before vanishing under the water.

"Bloody Harbor Patrol bints!" cried Hook. "COME BACK HERE WITH MY BILGE PUMP!... And also my great granddaughter... and my stepson! I will get my revenge on you!"

"We all know you only care about your ship, Hook," sighed Belle, "but you get points for pretending."

"I thought it was fairly convincing."

"Mermaids are going to eat our baby girl!" sniffled Snow. "And not in whatever disgusting inter-species way that bitch did with Tinkerbell!"

"Hey, it was a beautiful moment!" Tink argued. "And I absolutely know what to do with a vagina!"

"You did seem to have a hang of it from what I saw of that magical night at the lagoon," agreed Hook.

Tink punched him again.

AN: Remember that Archer episode when they did a homage to Fantastic Voyage and exploded that guy? LOL!

Next up: What have Ariel and Eric been up to? Why was Eric spinning her around in that episode like they were just reunited when early in that episode it was already revealed that happened months ago? And will Henry be grounded or will he just get away with this bullshit with an half-assed speech from one of his parents like he does everything else?