I wander around the room, looking at the artwork on the walls. These days, the only artists are in Amity. Abnegation sees art as impractical, and its appreciation as time that could be spent serving others, so though I have seen works of art in textbooks, I have never been in a decorated room before. My parents value Abnegation rules. Again, I'll explain later. It makes the air feel close and warm, and I could get lost here for hours without noticing. I skim the wall with my fingertips. A picture of a hawk on one wall reminds me of Tori's tattoo. Beneath it is a sketch of a bird in flight.
"It's a raven," a voice behind me says. "Pretty, right?"
I turn to see Tori standing there. I feel like I am back in the classroom, with the different tools and talents all around me. I didn't expect to see her here.
"Well, hello there." She smiles. "Never though I would see you here. Beatrice, is it?"
"Tris, actually," I say. "Do you work here?"
"I do. I just took a second job at the school. Most of the time I'm here."
I touch the sketch of the bird. "Listen-I need to talk to you about..." I glance over my shoulder. I can't corner Tori now; others will ask questions. "...something. Sometime."
"I am not sure that would be wise," she says quietly. "I helped you as much as I could, and now you will have to go it alone."
I purse my lips. She has answers; I know she does. If she won't give them to me now, I will have to find a way to make her tell me some other time. Is it really so bad I want more answers about their conversation the other day?
"Want a tattoo?" she says.
The bird sketch holds my attention. I never intended to get pierced or tattooed when I came here. Just observations before anything drastic. I know that if I do, it will place another wedge between me and my family that I can never remove. And if my life now continues as it has been, it may soon be the least of the wedges between us.
But I understand now what Tori said about her tattoo representing a fear she overcame-a reminder of where she was, as well as a reminder of where she is now. Maybe there is a way to honor my old life as I embrace my new one.
"Yes," I say. "Three of these flying birds."
I touch my collarbone, marking the path of their flight-toward my heart. One for each member of the family I left behind.
Wednesday morning. I never understood the purpose of spelling it like that when no one says it like that. Oh well. Usually, I don't have dreams, and today was no exception thankfully. I don't think I could deal with another one of those "Four nightmares". But he was right. Christina and Al have joined the dark side. Very ironic. Very. I push the blanket off me and crawl out of bed. I get dressed in a black tank top, kinda. I leave my hair as it is and just settle with running my fingers through it.
I go downstairs and grab a muffin. I head out the door and eat on my walk to school. Not really in the mood to ask for a ride from Caleb, just like he isn't in the mood to offer one.
When I get to my locker I see Christina sticking her gum on it. Al is just snickering.
"Chrissy. Please." I whimper out.
"Trissy, I thought I made it clear that I'd consider it," she says with a sigh. I can see in her eyes this is killing most of her.
"We could do a lot worse, Tris. Consider it a favor." Al says with a menacing smile.
I take a glance at Christina and see she isn't particularly fond of this fighting, but she still won't back down.
"I have to head towards math now, but um...I really hope you guys take up on my offer. You know I can't live without you." I say before I head towards class.
I sit down in my usual seat and start fiddling with the collar of my shirt. I don't want people to see my tattoo...or at least not yet. And I definitely don't want the jerktourage finding out about it. They'd probably never let me live that down. Four would start with "Why did you do it? You can trust me enough to tell. Only everybody I know will have knowledge concerning it. Nothing much." Honestly, he needs a life that doesn't intersect with mine. Four comes in with Nita. The only thing surprising being that he's still with the same girl. It isn't like him to settle down. He has his arm wrapped a little too low around her and she seems content with that. Just disgusting, I tell you. While I'm at it though, I think it is time to explain the "Amity, Abnegation, Dauntless, Erudite, and Candor" things. So you see, Chicago has different sectors, kind of like towns or cities really. Amity is where you will find most "happy, rainbow, sunshine". They all aren't like that but most are so we just decided to make it an adjective to describe people. Abnegation is where I live. It has strict rules and most people who grow up here are likely to work in government. Again, the place doesn't have anything special, it's just the people. People are different in each town basically. Nothing much. It is still pretty real world if you ask me. Candor are the ones who work in law. All because the people there have gotten a habit of truth-telling. Dauntless, though, is a group. And a big one. Nobody is really sure if it is a town/sector or not. Erudite is filled with the most prestigious schools. They rely on education. You want a smart kid, Erudite will make him an Einstein. It really is hard to explain though. It's kinda like how people are racist with other places, but the fun kind of course. For an example, English people are polite. America's are selfish and think the world revolve around them. I don't actually mean all that...but I'm hoping you get the point. Anyway, back to the present...sadly.
"Beatrice. How are you?" Nita asks me.
I raise an eyebrow at her trying to figure out what angle she is hinting at. "Sore. You?"
"Why are you sore, silly?"
"You should know, silly," I smirk. She just rolls her eyes.
"Beatrice," the teacher shouts. He just gets more annoying each day.
"Yes?" I ask with fake kindness.
"Stop talking in my class."
"Tell your daughter that please."
"I don't want any talking going on in my class."
"Sir, you didn't follow my request."
Before he can respond, Four does, "How are we going to learn if there's no talking? Are you going to write it down or something?"
"Yeah maybe while you're at it, you can also put how you're biased and treat 'your little princess' with favoritism," Zeke says while Four fist-bumps him. Four then looks to me and sends me a smile. I smile back to show my gratitude. I hate to admit, there are times when he isn't so bad...but they're very little. Nita just huffs and goes to sit on his lap. Yup, gone as soon as it came. I zone out the rest of class with the pretense that I am listening.
I am currently in French. Usually things don't happen in this class..and I'm guessing they still don't, or at least hoping. It's very weird here, after all, I don't have any of my friends. This class is very calming I must say. The teacher isn't a bitch and the work is challenging but not impossible. The teacher is telling us her idea of how for a class trip, we should go to Paris. Everybody then starts making smoochy faces and saying how it is the "City of Love". One person even puts on the song that was from Phineas and Ferb. Ah, the classics. She then goes on to saying how we are all so cheesy and how it is probably not at all like that. I have to say, she seems pretty cool.
I set my tray down at my table without a word coming from my mouth. All I do is stare at them, and they stare back. All except Will. I sit down without breaking eye contact.
"Why are we still doing this?" Will is the first to break the ice. He startles us, however.
"Will, if you're really going to be this way then leave. But no matter what, do not say it in front of her," Uriah threatens. What is he talking about?
"She is the cause of this. I want my Christina back. Doesn't anyone else want it the way it used to be? It all changed because of her. I didn't think there was anything wrong with her, but now I'm not so sure. I mean, how does one person change a whole entire gang? It doesn't without good reason," Will shouts standing up from his seat. Oh. So that's what this is about.
"I told you to just leave if you were having doubts. You know how she gets when things like this happen and she's at the center of it. It isn't her fault. And to be real, the only reason the gang was like this was because of her. I don't mean the problem. I mean how we came together. She knew you three, and she knew us three. We became one because of her. Why don't you talk about that, huh? Stop blaming her for what wasn't even her fault." Now Uri is standing up from his seat, too. He's currently in Will's face.
"When you guys realize what is actually going on, we'll be waiting," Will finally says.
"Just go run back to your girlfriend, nerd boy," Uri spits.
"We will kill you if you try something like that again," Lynn says. We all stare at her. She just continues eating as if it was an involuntary reaction. Mar proceeds with her glares directed at Will. Hopefully, things will be back to normal soon. After all, by the looks of it, Christina wasn't enjoying this more than we were.
Tori decided that we would do each of the curriculums for two weeks. Then a rotation would occur. I can't stop wondering how she'll see me now that I know about her other job and she knows I have a tattoo at 14. If she weren't Tori, then I know there'd be disapointment involved. I enter the classroom and she just gives me an encouraging smile. I smile back and go to take my seat. For some reason, though, my butt hits the floor and not the chair. I look up to see Four looking down at me snickering while the top of my chair rests in his palms. He offers me a hand but I get up by myself. I look around the room and stop once I see Christina's stare. It is a stare of pity. I hate pity. I brush off some gravel and snatch my chair back.
Four leans in close to my ear and hisses, "Feisty" in a way that most girls would drop dead and instantly follow him to his bed. I said most girls. Not me. I huff and sit in my chair. He goes to his. I look at Tori and see her roll her eyes at him and he just smiles back innocently. I see a small smile on her lips.
"Before you start with 'that is the most absurd thing ever' or 'whyyyyy?' I am going to let you know that it wasn't me who chose this assignment. It was Ms. Matthews who is high up in the school board. Your assignment is...to make a music video for the song you have. For that, the film/photography club will help you. Each member willl be assigned to one of your groups and he will help the two partners with the filming for the video," Tori concludes. A music video? I'm dead. I'm so dead. Especially with the song me and Four made. I can feel the whines going off but they're nothing in my ears. I look at Four and see him staring at me. He has an emotionless face. I look back at my desk slowly. All the wheels in my head are turning and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can feel everybody's eyes on me and Four. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him adressing all the stares, almost looking around frantically. Now that people have confirmed he isn't dead, they're trying to figure out the same for me. I continue staring at my desk. Even Four's stare is focused on me. Everybody's is.
"Tris," Tori calls soothingly. I don't reply, just remain motionless.
"I think she needs some time to process all of it," Uri says. It's already been processed. Just don't want to do it. Maybe if I concentrate enough, it'll all become a dream. Thankfully, then, an idea occurs to me. We won't have to do it ourselves. We can get actors, right? I look at the board. It says that no using actors because then we won't even be doing anything. Figures. No wonder why everyone is trying to make me feel better. I look back down at my desk.
"Tris, you may be excused from school for the rest of the day. You have a free period after this and then it's dismissal. No need to stay the rest of the day," Tori tells me gently. I remain motionless. Someone sighs and comes over to me. He picks up my stuff after putting them in my bag and starts to carry me. I wrap my arms around his neck and nustle my head into his chest. I realize it's Four but I don't care. He walks us to his car [I'm assuming] and lays me down in the back seat. He puts the three seat belts around different parts of my body. He then closes the door gently in order to not startling me and hops into the driver's seat while putting my things in the passenger's seat. He grabs a pillow-from where I don't know-and puts it under my head. The rest of the drive was a blur.
We have arrived at his house and I am still motionless. He gets out of the car, slings my bag over his shoulder, unbuckles my seat belts, and carries me into the house. He puts me down on the couch and heads to the kitchen.
"You need to eat," he sets a tray of cookies and milk down.
"I'm not Santa Claus," I reply while sitting up.
"I don't want to do this any more than you do," he sits down next to me.
"Ya. After all, you don't want to get a bad grade in math because you were doing stuff with other girls."
He laughs. "You're right, but can you stop being so dramatic about this? It really isn't the end of the world. And I don't think Nita could get jealous over someone like you. It's your grade I'm worried about."
Now it is my turn to laugh. "Like you could be worried about anyone other than yourself. And I'm not trying to be dramatic-"
He snorts then says, "You needed me to carry you and you can barely talk and you're a statue."
"Really, Four. I can't do this right now. You've got me vulnerable. I'm nothing. Slaughter me and take your claim, just make it quick." I have a fucked up life. That is all there is to say.
He looks at me for a long moment and then places me in his lap. He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and lifts my chin up so I'm looking at him through my glassy eyes. "What's wrong?" he asks sweetly. I know this is all a trick. One he uses on all of his sluts. I stare back and don't reply.
"Why do you keep doing this to me? I won't fall for the trick," I croak.
"What do you think of me? I'll tell you what I think of you if you tell me," he replies with his lips pursed.
"You first."
"Fine. I hate you. For some reason, though, I don't know what is going on between us. I know we hate each other...but..it feels different. Like I want you to let me in so I can crush you, but when you're crushed..I feel hurt. I don't want you having a fucked up life, but I like sucking the life out of you. Something I can't do. I don't exactly know why I don't affect you..but I like it. It encourages me more. I don't want others to lay a hand on you, but I don't mind giving you wounds that will never heal," he looks conflicted now. I bring my hand up and start rubbing it along his stubble, and then I slap him.
"You're a bitch!" I yell at him getting off his lap.
"What did I do?" he yells back.
"You're the biggest liar in the world. You don't care about me," I say.
"I don't," he shouts.
"Would you shut up and take me home? I don't understand why you keep doing this. I've made it clear it won't work on me, so why do you keep doing this? I don't want to think we're like the song we made, and I know we are not, because we don't feel that way towards each other. But can you just knock it off?" I shout back.
"Maybe I'm preparing for the video," he smirks. I just roll my eyes.
"Of course you are."
"Sleep the night," he suggests.
"No thank you," I reply back smoothly. I'm too scared I'll have one of those nightmares again.
"Please?" he asks making a puppy dog face.
"Too bad," I reply back innocently.
"Too bad I'm not taking you home," he says back, also innocently.
I huff and cross my arms across my chest. He sighs and says, "Look. You don't have to stay long. I invited the film club member to come here so we can work on it now."
"Thank you. If that was the only reason you brought me here," I say looking around. The doorbell rings. He goes to answer it. I have to say..his logic isn't so bad. I was freaking out because we had to do this so he decided to get it over with as soon as possible. I look towards the door.
"Hi. My name is Matthew. I will be assisting you with the assignment." He extends his hand. The man looks around Four's age. His eyes are so dark they look black, and they slant a little at the edges. He's tall, maybe the same height as Caleb, and his black hair is artfully tousled in the front, like he spent a lot of time making it look like he'd just rolled out of bed that way. Under his dark blue uniform he wears a plain black T-shirt and a black string around his throat. It shifts over his Adam's apple when he swallows. He shakes Four's hand and then mine.
"You look familiar. Are you Caleb's sister?" he asks looking me up and down. A scientific guess, I assume.
"Yeah. Do you know him?" I ask politely.
"He's a genius freak." he looks smug. Maybe this guy isn't so bad.
"I know," I reply smiling.
"Well, let's get to shooting," he says clapping his hands together. Four comes to stand beside me. Matthew takes out a sheet of paper.
"I read your song, and I know exactly what I want you two to do. I also hope you guys can forgive me..I know what happened earlier today," he says eyeing me. "Anyway, I know you guys are going to have trouble with it but it needs to be done."
"It's alright. We can handle it. Right, Tris?" he asks in a whisper so only I can hear. We stare at each other and I eventually nod without breaking contact.
"Nothing drastic will occur, but I was thinking that maybe we could use this house for a few of the scenes." Matthew silently asks for Four's permission.
"Yeah, it's no problem. What should be the first scene? I do remember that you had it all figured out yourself because you assumed we wouldn't want to spend more time together than necessary." Four asks looking at me. I continue staring back at him.
"I was thinking maybe it could open up with you two sleeping in bed. You will have a phone number written on your arm and she will wake up after and remember the fight you guys had. I think you guys can come up with what to do next. I'll set up and you guys can go change and get ready," Matthew says awkwardly.
We all go to the bedroom with me and Four leading and Matthew following. "Want my shirt?" Four asks quietly. "Sure," I reply back because I honestly don't have a better response conjured up. He chucks me his shirt and I go to the bathroom to change. I'm in denim jeans and I'm pretty sure that won't work for pajamas. Four's shirt is already a dress on me. It's his longest one I realize because a normal one would come just past my butt, but this one goes to the bottom of my knees. Maybe he can be thoughtful. I leave my hair as it is but right before I turn the knob of the bathroom to enter the bedroom [because his bathroom is in his bedroom which is totally unfair] I stop and listen to the conversation.
"...brother would be happy learning that she was one of the girls you used," Matthew says in a whisper.
"I don't care if I dissapoint him, really. We aren't the best of friends. And she isn't one of the girls I used," they're both whispering I realize.
"It explains why she hates you so much and doesn't feel comfortable here-"
"She hates me because I'm a manwhore."
"That explains the other reasons but it doesn't explain how she knows this place so well."
"It's because she has been here before-"
"Ah-ha."
"Due to a party thrown here that she was dragged along to by her friends."
"Oh." I can just feel Four's smirk.
My phone then buzzes. I exit the bathroom and check it. It's a text from Ian:
You owe me. I just got your parents to let you be with me once a week instead of a month. I expect you to be here Friday night. Another thing, I have permission to let you come stay with me anytime I want when they're not home. I basically have full custody over you when they're gone.
I instantly close my phone and stuff it in my bag.
"Should we get to shooting now?" Matthew asks looking through the camera.
"Yeah. Sure." I say. I put my bag near the door and curl into bed. Four comes in shortly after and wraps his arms around my hips. I press my back to his chest and snuggle into him.
"And..action!" Matthew calls. I stay asleep for a few seconds and then slowly open my eyes. I look back at Four-who has his head nustled in the crook of my neck-and kiss the top of his head. I then pretend to notice writing on his arm. I pick it up and start examining it. Four slowly wakes up, too, and once he realizes what I'm looking at he snatches his arm back. I sit up and he tries to pull me back down. I get up from the bed and he starts following. He tries to comfort me and feed me lies and I push him away. I can hear the music playing in the background and my eyes start swelling up with tears. He starts muttering my name and I start yelling profanities at him. I guess that part and what I'm saying is pretty accurate in real life.
"Cut!" Matthew calls. "That was perfect," me and Four start smirking at him. He starts talking again after absorbing our smug expressions, "the next scene will be shot tomorrow. I'll text you the details." We all exchange numbers and he leaves. Then it's just me and Four. We stare at each other for what feels like an eternity and then I break apart. I get my stuff and go downstairs. He follows me.
"Keep the shirt." he calls after me.
"I was already going to," I smirk.
"Get out," he says playfully.
"Bitch," I mutter. He mutters it back.
When I find Tobias late that night, he doesn't say anything; he just grabs my hand and pulls me toward the train tracks.
He draws himself into a train car as it passes with bewildering ease and pulls me in after him. I fall against him, my cheek against his chest. His fingers slide down my arms, and he holds me by the elbows as the car bumps along the steel rails. I watch the glass building above the Dauntless compound shrink behind us.
"What is it you need to tell me?" I shout over the cry of the wind.
"Not yet," he says.
He sinks to the floor and pulls me down with him, so he's sitting with his back against the wall and I'm facing him, my legs trailing to the side on the dusty floor. The wind pushes strands of my hair loose and tosses them over my face. He presses his palms to my face, his index fingers sliding behind my ears, and pulls my mouth to his.
I hear the screech of the rails as the train slows, which means we must be nearing the middle of the city. The air is cold, but his lips are warm and so are his hands. He tilts his head and kisses the skin just beneath my jaw. I'm glad the air is so loud he can't hear me sigh.
The train car wobbles, throwing off my balance, and I put my hand down to steady myself. A split second later I realize that my hand is on his hip. The bone presses into my palm. I should move it, but I don't want to. He told me once to be brave, and though I have stood still while knives spun toward my face and jumped off a roof, I never though I would need bravery in the small moments of my life. I do.
I shift, swinging a leg over him so I sit on top of him, and with my heartbeat in my throat, I kiss him. He sits up straighter and I feel his hands on my shoulders. His fingers slide down my spine and a shiver follows them down to the small of my back. He unzips my jacket a few inches, and I press my hands to my legs to stop them from shaking. I should not be nervous. This is Tobias.
Cold air slips across my bare skin. He pulls away and looks carefully at the tattoos just above my collarbone. His fingers brush over them, and he smiles.
"Birds," he says. "Are they crows? I keep forgetting to ask."
I try to return his smile. "Ravens. One for each member of my family," I say. "You like them?"
He doesn't answer. He tugs me closer, pressing his lips to each bird in turn. I close my eyes. His touch is light, sensitive. A heavy, warm feeling, like spilling honey, fills my body, slowing my thoughts. He touches my cheek.
"I hate to say this," he says, "but we have to get up now."
I roll out of my bed from the repulsive dream and hit the floor with a thud. I don't know why I keep having these nightmares. But this time, he wasn't "Four" for some reason. He was.."Tobias".? I know that's his real name. I figured that out..but it's not like me to have nightmares like this. And he seemed like a different person. The setting also seemed peculiar. Things that I didn't even do in real life...I supposedly did do in the nightmare. Ugh. It better stop soon.