Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.

PART II

CHAPTER SIXTY-SEVEN

THE LIFE AQUATIC

Neal came to with sand in his mouth, fishy smell invading his nostrils, and an unnerving feeling of deja vu before peeling his eyelids open to discover a very naked and what he would assume to be "waxed" woman crouching over him if not for the faint scale-like scarring on said woman's crotch.

As he was reaching the conclusion that this was a mermaid - one he vaguely remembered from Neverland - in human transformation and aware that he was rather chilled in his wet clothes, Neal heard Emma complaining, "Let me go! I didn't do anything to you!"

He then found himself hauled roughly upwards, dragged up the beach, and dropped beside Emma against a tree where two mermen with what he assumed was not an STD on their junk, tied him up beside her.

"Now that you're cozy," the mermaid stated, "I have business to attend to."

Nodding to the two mermen, she said, "Make sure they don't try anything stupid. Our Queen means to have words with the blonde one."

The dark-haired, vaguely Regina-ish looking mermaid sneered at Emma, "I should have skinned you alive and fed you to the sharks for letting your friend turn me to wood and your pirate throw me overboard. A person is no better than the company they keep, whore!"

Before Emma could form a rebuttal, the mermaid waded into the water, removed her bracelet, and dove into the gray ocean.

"So...," Neal asked the two mermen, "did you go for the gold chains because the bracelets are girlie, or were you just going for the Jersey Shore vibe?"

"Shut up, human trash!" said one.

"Who is your 'Queen', anyway?" Emma demanded. "I thought Poseidon's wife was dead and he hadn't remarried?"

"We don't recognize that apostate," stated the other.

Neal groaned as he remembered Poseidon and Ursula talking about the complicated political situation that resulted in her exile. "Oh great, we've been kidnapped by that loony mermaid cult! You guys are the ones swimming contraband into Storybrooke?"

"And infiltrating your ranks, human scum!" laughed the first.

The second shoved him and hissed, "You shouldn't tell them that!"

"Why? Our Queen will just kill them, anyway!"

"Well now they won't tell us anything, idiot!"

"You're both idiots!" snapped familiar voice in a very unfamiliar tone.

While Henry sat miserably in 'time out', which was hugely embarrassing for a teenager, and rubbing his sore arm, Regina used blood magic and Cora's globe to pinpoint Emma and Neal to Hangman's Island in The Enchanted Forest.

"Must be their base of operations," said Hook. "It's always been a smuggler's paradise, but I remember overhearing some of Blackbeard's crew mentioning they were leery of stopping there anymore because of mermaid attacks. Nearly ran them into rocks after they left that poncy prince there."

"Eric," Snow informed. "His name is Eric. You helped reunite him with Ariel, remember?"

"Oh... er... right."

Tink punched him in the arm. "No you didn't, you arsehole. That was Zelena impersonating Ariel to con the rest of them and curse your lips to take away Emma's magic. The redheaded idiot came to you for help in The Enchanted Forest to find her boyfriend who'd been left to die somewhere. Blackbeard offered to tell her where, but you wanted your ship back, so you tossed him to the sharks and left Eric to starve to death and the only reason he didn't is that Ariel saved Blackbeard."

"Oh... er... right."

Snow stomped on Hook's foot and he yelped. "You 'arsehole'!" she growled. "You were in the room when Emma did that mirror magic! You really did let us all believe you did something selfless and heroic just to get in my daughter's pants!"

Hook glared back at her. "Pi-rate. What part of that have you idiots never understood?"

"Careful. Half of that idiocy comes from your bloodline!" Snow reminded.

"Damn it," Hook grumbled.

"Be that as it almost certainly is," sighed Regina, "can we get back to finding the other two idiots of your idiot gang? Not that I'd miss them terribly, but they are Henry's biological parents and I feel obligated that they should endure the suffering of raising of a teenager for bringing him into the world."

"And Neal might be your-"

"Shut up, Charming," Regina cut off the Prince. "Now, we'll have to mount yet another rescue mission. Are we comfortable using the shriveled nard wand? Or should we try the Black Fairy's wand that we all know Tinkerbell has shoved up her-"

"I do not!" Tinkerbell huffed.

"Then why are you walking so weird?" asked Belle.

"It's my duck impersonation. I'm practicing to make fun of Emma after we save her from the evil mermaid kabal."

"That's rather mean," considered Hook. "I'm all for kicking a man or women when they're down, but even familial obligations to protect my kin aside-"

"You handed your stepson to a child abuser and killed your own father for naming your half brother after your older brother who was a mass-murderer," said Belle.

"Be that as it may," huffed Hook, "merpeople are even worse than Pan or even that freak Felix. What that sea wench and her sisters did to my navigator makes Pan's right hand creep buggering my poor cabin boy seem tame. The lad did actually throw himself to the mermaids when he couldn't take it anymore... which I reckon he regretted before he finally drown."

"Hold on," David interjected, "you're saying Felix sodomized your cabin boy?"

"Aye, he was a real psycho that one. I mean, Pan was a demon, but his blonde minion just wasn't right, what he did to little boys. Even I never ravished a wench younger than fifteen, and even then it was only if the girl was lying about her age to sneak into a pub."

"So, you handed Neal over to a child molester?" Snow gasped.

"Well, to be fair, Felix did seem to prefer them a tad younger than the lad, so-"

Snow stomped on Hook's other foot. "You are so disgusting! I can't believe I was going to be supportive of Emma dating you! And even worse that we're related!"

Hook smirked, "Must be hereditary then, you throwing other people's kids down portals. Putting yours in a box in a portal. And didn't you basically let Neal wander off to his death and then try to name your replacement swan baby after him to absolve yourselves of any guilt in the matter?"

"Damn it," grumbled David, "he does have a point."

"He does not have a point!" huffed Snow. "Those are entirely different situations!"

"Can we get back," Regina cut off the bickering Charmings, "to exactly what kind of danger Emma and her overly chill baby daddy are in?"

Hook answered, "I'd say a high probability of stingray spine torture, kelp-related strangulation, water boarding, and taking a drugged puffer fish and sticking it up the arse, then waiting for it to wake up, freak out, and-"

"I don't mean the disgusting details!" Regina growled. "I meant what these group of smugglers are up to, Captain Fatass!"

Hook pouted. "You weren't even trying with that one."

Belle interjected, "Maybe Smee saw something? He does have a lobster boat."

"Or he's running the smuggling ring and sabotaging the Jolly Roger out of spite," suggested Hook. "Of course, he'd have to be intelligent for that, which I don't think he really is..."

"Forget their motives," argued David. "We need to mount a rescue operation. I vote for the Black Fairy's wand. If the Blue Fairy is shady, maybe it's not so bad. I mean, at least it can't have worse consequences than the ballsack one."

"Although Neal did die after he helped Tinkerbell use it," Snow remembered.

"Neal died because you were a couple of selfish bitches," Belle scoffed. "I could have just as easily been the dead one. He was just holding the key when that stupid candle tricked us. Stop trying to pretend that wasn't a disgustingly selfish thing to do that further destroyed your daughter's and grandson's happiness!"

"Okay, we can talk about that later," sighed Snow, "but using that wand to kill Pan's Shadow did bring the Blue Fairy back, and if she's really a villain-"

"They're all villains," Regina grated out. "Have none of you figured that out yet? There are no real heroes in any of our 'stories'. Just assholes who pretend to be heroes and dupe other people into thinking they're the good guys. Belle is right that actual heroes don't do the selfish shit you two have done."

Regina waved a hand at Belle, "But just because I agree with you on that point doesn't mean I think you're a good person, French. Don't get me started on your con job to get yourself indentured to the Dark One to figure out how to use his powers for 'good'. Or how you let that girl fall off a cliff. Or trying to stab your lover in the neck. Or that whole ridiculous thing with Gaston and Ogre torture after your mother had just been eaten by Ogres. Hypocrite much?"

"Torture is wrong under all circumstances," Belle hissed, "which I'd think you would appreciate after being tortured yourself by Hook!"

"Hey, I was only a voyeur!"

"You felt me up with your hook, you sicko!" Regina glared. "If Greg and Tamara hadn't had you by your balls, you'd have torn off the buttons on my blouse and 'ravaged' me on that table."

"Perhaps," shrugged Hook, "but I wouldn't have enjoyed it. My heart belonged to another."

"I hope you mean Milah," David told him, "because if you were considering raping a woman while pining for my daughter, I'll cut off your balls right now, Hook!"

"Enough talk about balls, real or metaphorical!" Snow exclaimed. "We need to save Emma before she's eaten by mermaids like that Ogre chowed down on Belle's mother!"

"HEY!" Belle howled. "What the hell, woman!?"

"I'm sorry," Snow told her, "but Regina's right. Your torture-related views are stupid. She was being tortured by a cult for useless information. Your boytoy was torturing a bloodthirsty creature to scare your community into raising an army to defend themselves because they refused to acknowledge the Ogre threat at their doorstep."

"Although," mused Ruby, "if attacking the castle and eating the lady of the land wasn't enough to convince them, why would that work?"

While Belle threw her and Snow nasty looks, Regina scoffed, "Obviously everyone hated that family and wanted Ogres to eat them. Gaston probably helped them get in and when they failed to eat the whole family decided to try marrying into it instead. I met him at a party once. Serious psychopath with genocidal tendencies."

"You're one to talk about genocide," scoffed Snow.

"That was mass murder," Regina corrected. "I killed that town of people for being traitors. I'd never target a race or species. That's just sick. All my murdering has very personal reasons."

Henry chimed in, "It's seriously sad when that is this family's justification for murder. 'At least I only kill people for my own personal gain, not the color of their skin or their religion'. You all suck and I'm not sorry I stole Belle's charm!"

"Even if mermaids eat your parents in a not sexy way?" asked Hook.

"Ariel will save them," Henry stated.

Ariel walked into view, not wearing her billowy dress of the fashion favored by Eric's kingdom, but what looked like the mermaid version of a dominatrix outfit... or if The Evil Queen had a super sexy/scary wetsuit made of black and purple fish scales and adorned with very sharp sea urchin spines.

"Ariel?" Emma sputtered, confused. "But... you love humans. Eric-"

"Was necessary to take down his kingdom," Ariel boasted. "They have the most ships and commit the most atrocities against our people. We do not honor the trade treaties that Poseidon secretly made with them that stand against the Goddess Ursula, our True Mother, the ancestor he and his daughter betray."

"They lead sailors to their deaths," Neal pointed out. "I don't see how that's a betrayal."

"It's pathetically small offerings when we need to take back the sea!" snapped Ariel.

Confused and feeling betrayed herself, Emma uttered, "I thought Eric was your true love. I saw you, with mirror magic. You were running into each other's arms... How could you do that to him? He's a good man."

"Was a good man until I stabbed him in the throat with the crab fork I stole at his ball. I had to seduce him, to marry him in his people's custom, to gain my right to the throne," Ariel explained. "And now we will sink that island into the sea and make our own Atlantis! That's where your magic comes in, Savior!"

"You were never friends with my mother," Emma realized. "You were using her all along."

"As well as her step mother," nodded Ariel. "No mermaid could ever be that stupid without being eaten by sharks as a child. Only an imbecile like your mother wouldn't question the absurdity of a mermaid wanting to be human and then pining silently after being cursed, never mind believing a human woman was a sea goddess," she scoffed. "Snow White was the perfect mark.

"That whole bit summoning Ursula was intentional, of course," the redhead explained, "as I knew Regina was listening and would impersonate the Goddess to be rid of Snow White. I needed to get into Eric's kingdom. Losing my voice was a setback in that respect, but on the other hand, being exiled by Poseidon for my affliction gave me ample opportunity to travel to other realms like Neverland and spread the Good Word to my sisters who had been taken captive by Pan. When the Dark One freed them by killing that whiny teenage boy, they joined me, and now that Eric's kingdom is ours, all we have to do is sink it using the magical kickback from destroying your silly little town!"

Neal sighed and suggested, "You forgot to go 'muahahahaha'."

"Muhahahaha!" laughed Ariel.

Emma slumped miserably against the tree. "The Little Mermaid was my favorite Disney movie... well, I pretty much hated all the other ones with the princess theme. I thought at least that one was accurate."

"Please," scoffed Ariel. "Walt Disney was just a more grandiose hack than his successor. That Apprentice was a fool to think he could ever find a mortal from that world who wouldn't succumb to the seductive magic of The Quill. Disney used it to make himself rich and famous just like his predecessors going back to the Brothers Grimm. Very few accurately recorded the history of our realms. It just doesn't inspire quite the avid readership when the mermaid is a stalker who makes a deal to infiltrate a kingdom to seduce a prince only to have him toss her out for his actual human true love, someone he actually knows, thus resulting in the mermaid's soul being ripped from her body and cast into the sea to haunt it for an eternity.

"FYI, I killed that bitch who actually rescued Eric from the shipwreck just so that wouldn't happen," concluded Ariel with a smirk.

"You're straight up crazy!" groaned Emma.

"Well, maybe it's the shit-ton of pollution in the Land Without Magic sea that I had to swim through to be reunited with my 'true love' that did it," Ariel shot back. "I understand mercury drove that hat maker nutty and, news flash, your mother was also an idiot to believe that my people are vegetarian. What does she think we eat, kelp and plankton? And that we make up snappy musical numbers with the shellfish?"

"So... 'Under the Sea' was all a lie?" Emma asked, looking ready to start crying.

"Well, I did have a pet crab named 'Sebastian' as a child. Then I ate him deep-fried on an abalone shell stuffed with sea urchin roe," shrugged Ariel.

"Wait," Neal had to ask, "how do you fry anything if you live under water? Is there merpeople magic that makes fire work underwater? Like on Sponge Bob?"

"You watch Sponge Bob?" asked Emma, amused.

"Well, only when stoned. I knew a guy in Central Park who sold some really good pot, and-"

"Both of you shut up!" Ariel snapped, "or I'll chop you up and feed you to the sea sponges!"

"I thought you needed my magic?" countered Emma.

"After I use you for your magic, Savior," the mermaid grated out. "Calypso's cunt, you're as stupid as your mother!"

"Yeah, well, you should get yourself some Vagisil. Yours smells like fish!" Emma taunted.

Ariel slapped her and declared, "You think you're so clever and superior, but the supremacy of your species is a lie. I will bring the truth to all the realms that you humans, especially the ones brought here from that world, like your son, have been screwing us over for centuries, manipulating our lives to make them into stories. We are taking back our stories by taking back our seas!"

AN: An evil Ariel? I couldn't help myself. Her character on the show is just so fucking stupid. She's more mentally challenged than retcon Snow White, and with also stupid Cinderella and Aurora, I needed at least one "princess" only pretending to be a fem Forest Gump obsessed with marrying a cute prince and having babies. Besides which, the original story of The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen, which Ariel recounts here, is not a 'happily ever after' story. Ariel is a creepy stalker, Eric is already in love with a princess who nurses him back to health, and when Ariel can't hoodwink Eric into falling in love with her instead, her deal with Ursula to get legs results in her body being obliterated and she haunts the sea forever while Eric and his princess get married and live happily ever after!

Next up: Rescue mission or bust?