Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.

PART II

CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT

IT'S ALL MERMISH TO ME

"... Ariel will save them."

"Oh, Kid," interjected a strange woman from the entrance, "you're a bit of an idiot, aren't you?"

Regina was the first to hiss out, "Who the hell are you?"

"Don't recognize me with legs? I'm still pulling splinters out of my scales, bitch," said the mermaid.

"You," David growled and pulled his sword, holding it to her throat.

"Please, you already tried that, Prince soon-to-be-chum. You're too pussy-whipped to actually commit murder when you're in your right mind... or heart, as it were," the mermaid shot back.

She amended with a smirk, "You can call me Miranda. I'll be your hostage taker this evening."

"You and what army, fish bitch?" scoffed Hook.

In response, a number of seemingly random forest-dwelling people that no one had paid much mind to or bothered to do a census of stood up and pulled up the sleeves or tugged down the collars of their musty Enchanted Forest garb to reveal fancy shell-bedazaled jewelry.

"Damn it."

"We infiltrated your little kingdom," explained Miranda. "Your curse," she nodded to Snow White, "was the perfect opportunity to insert our agents. And now, it's almost time to execute our plan!"

"And what plan is that?" asked Snow, dubiously.

"To sink this town into the ocean, of course!"

"Exactly how do you propose to do that?" asked Hook.

"With this," hissed the mermaid, pulling from her pocket the glowing blue Eye of the Storm gem. "Thanks ever so much for throwing out your brother's ring, by the way. Now this baby is complete!"

Regina tried to conjure a ball of fire behind her back where she'd moved against the counter, but she found a trident pointed at her by a merman.

"I wouldn't, queenie," he warned, "unless you want a dose of dreamshade."

"Exactly how are you going to... activate that thing?" Belle spoke up.

"Magical blood sacrifice, of course," shrugged Miranda. "We're going to bleed The Savior all over Prince Eric's kingdom and use that fancy well of yours as a conduit. As Storybrooke's magic is violently returned to its rightful world, both will be pulled down into the depths."

"Why?" Snow demanded. "Why are you doing this? Is this some sort of... revenge against Ariel for choosing to be human?"

Miranda scoffed. "I see that wormy apple doesn't fall far in your bloodline, does it? No, honey, Ariel's our leader and she already killed that fool and tossed his corpse to the sharks. I mean, seriously, why would any woman want to be with some poncy creep who has a two minute dance with her and then wants to get her alone a boat for a year? Maybe that's how relationships work on land, but in the ocean, you at least have a second date before leaving your entire life's existence behind to hook up with a stranger in a dangerously isolating situation. I mean, there are such things as perverts and serial killers even among royalty. Actually, more-so, really, considering all of the inbreeding leads to that sort of deviant behavior. Look at your family tree? It's predominantly psychopaths. The kid there," she pointed to Henry, "between his nature and nurture could grow up to be the next Baker's Man."

"What, the nursery rhyme guy? Paddycake paddycake?" asked Henry, confused.

"More like the Enchanted Forest's Sweeney Todd," answered Belle. "He baked hundreds of people into cakes and pies, moving from kingdom to kingdom as people caught on to what he was doing. He would sing that song after he'd tied them up while he was sharpening his knives. It was finally assumed he either died or fled through a portal to another realm when the killings stopped, I think about a decade before the Dark Curse."

"Wait... so you think I'm gonna grow up to murder and eat people in pastry form?" Henry asked Miranda, offended.

"I didn't say he ate them. He served them to other people. See, there's that hereditary stupidity again," the mermaid snidely retorted and Henry harumphed and crossed his arms.

"Yeah, well," he retorted, "you're following a crazy klepto who makes Tinkerbell look well-adjusted."

"Hey!" Tinkerbell exclaimed. "I am working on my issues. And I only steal watches from corpses, I don't drown people or stick spiney sea life up their asses."

"Don't tell me you haven't wanted to, though," Belle mused. "I know a few people I wouldn't mind having a scared puffer fish up their bum." She shot Hook a look as she spoke and he glared back.

"I'm sure that can be arranged," grinned Miranda.

Hook covered his butt and growled, "I've had quite enough damage done to my arse by a sadistic nurse. I don't need you sea wenches sticking anything up there!"

"On second thought, we'd probably catch some antibiotic and magic-resistant whore disease you got from your mother, anyway," Miranda shrugged.

"I hate all of you," grumbled Hook.

"The feeling is mutual," retorted Regina.

"And apparently Ariel hates us all," sighed Snow. "I really thought we were friends. I can't believe she would do this to us. I feel so betrayed!"

"On the bright side, though," Belle interjected, "it's actually kind of a relief that Ariel was pretending to be such a dimwit, even if it was to try and kill us all. I mean, I feel like the only intelligent 'Disney Princess' around here. It's rather frustrating."

"So you'll take 'intelligent but evil and trying to kill you' over 'slow-witted but kindhearted and nearly getting you killed out of stupid good intentions'?" asked Henry.

"Basically."

"I can see that."

Snow and Charming gave their grandson a look and he groaned, "What? This town has a lot of stupid people in it since the Dark Curse broke the first time. Honestly, it's like contagious stupidity or something."

"It's called neurosyphilis," said Regina, glaring at Hook.

"That's not my fault! And don't forget all the monkey herpes that your sister infected people with! I had nothing to do with that!"

"ALL YOU, SHUT UP!" growled Miranda. "And get in the freezer!"

"So, let me get this straight," Emma addressed one of the dumb mermen after Ariel had left them. "You're going to go all Aztec sacrifice on me and use some blue magical rock candy to sink Storybrooke and Eric's island to make your own underwater kingdom from which you'll conquer Atlantis, dethrone Poseidon, and 'return your people to their glory days when they ruled the world and humans were nothing but savages living in caves'. Have I got that right?"

"Pretty much," said the darker haired of the two mer-mimbos.

"You know her heart is rip-out-proof, right?" asked Neal.

"That's why we've got hostages. Duh," said the other. "To make her rip it out herself."

"We'll ensure your family," Mer-Mimbo #1 told Emma, "gets over the town line to live happily-ever-after in his one bedroom apartment."

"I don't get why you didn't keep your apartment," Mer-Mimbo #2 said to Emma. "I saw Henry's pictures on Facebook and it was a sweet pad. You could have sublet that place to some hipsters for a nice chunk of change."

"The lease didn't allow subletting," Emma replied, "or Time Square street performers. Buzzing up Hook was apparently a violation. I guess he made rapey comments to a number of female residents. They sent me a notice that after a condo board hearing they'd decided I was gonna get kicked out on account of it being my third violation. Technically, it was Henry who put Canadian quarters in the dryers, though."

"What was your second strike?" asked Mer-Mimbo #2.

"Why does it matter?" huffed Emma.

"The jewel thief?" asked Neal.

Emma groaned. "Yeah, the jewel thief!"

After a pause, Emma offered Mer-Mimbo #2, "How about you can have all my stuff that I brought back to Storybrooke if you let us go?"

"What would I do with your human material things under water?" scoffed the merman.

"There's jewelry. You could give it to your girlfriend. Say you drown some human whore for it."

"Hmmm, Shayla does like jewelry. Are there pearls?"

"Sure."

"What are you doing?" Mer-Mimbo #1 hissed. "You can't release the humans! What about Queen Ariel's plans?"

Mer-Mimbo #2 shrugged. "She's a bit of a nutjob. We both know it. Plus, a total kleptomaniac. I mean, that dirty old rusted thing she brought back from the Land Without Magic is total junk! I don't want her littering my New World Order with ugly crap like that! She's going to make our ocean just as polluted as the Land Without Magic one. We'll be swimming in a gyre of plastic bags and rubber duckies!"

"You've seen Mr. Quackington?" Emma exclaimed.

"Mister who?" Mer-Mimbo #1 asked. "Look, lady, we know our queen is a bit crazy, but your queen has murdered thousands of people just for not thinking she's pretty enough. Ours wants to keep our people from being persecuted by humans who trap us in nets and rape our women."

"Pirates actually rape mermaids?" Emma shuddered.

"The sea is lonely, I've been told," shrugged Neal.

"Pirates and sailors. It's just not just syphilitic mariners you love to hate and make love to, it's the poncy ones with scurvy as well," explained Mer-Mimbo #2. "They do whatever they want in International Waters. Why do you think we had to make those magical hair nets? Humans started it. In the event one falls overboard in a storm, then we get our revenge, but it's mostly torture porn since it's not like the crews really know our people drown the men most of the time unless we can find an island or atoll nearby to string up the corpse with a jellyfish tied around their head, but then the sea birds get to it first..."

"You guys really are disgusting," groaned Emma.

"We're revolutionaries!" the mermen chimed together.

"You're idiots," stated Neal. "Even your queen thinks so. Why should you serve a woman who thinks you're stupid?"

"Shut up, human scum!" Mer-Mimbo #2 growled.

"I bet I could totally take you in a fight too," Neal scoffed.

"As if!" Mer-Mimbo #1 laughed. "We are ripped! You don't even have a one pack, bro. Do you even work out?"

"Hey, I was recently dead. I haven't had time to work off the gut, and at least I don't chug chimichangas like the pirate."

"That's true," conceded Mer-Mimbo #2. "He's not as fat as the pirate. I hear he's going bald too."

"Yes, but he's using a potion to put his back hair on his head. Humans are so gross with their body hair!"

"I know, right!"

"Look," sighed Neal, "can you at least let me up to take a leak or do I have to piss myself?"

The mermen exchanged a look, and Mer-Mimbo #1 agreed, "Fine, but you are not peeing in our ocean. Do you know what filth is spewed out of your ships into our water?"

"But don't you just pee in your own water like fish?" asked Emma. "And how does that work anyway?"

"We excrete our urine through our gills," explained Mer-Mimbo #2 and wouldn't you know it, merpeople actually had gills that appeared along his jawbone... and peed all over Emma.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh! What the hell did you do that for!?" she cried.

"For science!"

"That doesn't even make sense! And that's disgusting! You pee through the same things you breath with!?"

"And you humans like to stick your dicks and fingers in your buttholes and suck each others' genitals," stated Mer-Mimbo #1.

"He has a point," shrugged Neal. "Assplay and oral is comparatively just as gross. I mean, urine's technically sterile. If you pee on your feet in the shower it can prevent athlete's foot."

"You pee in the shower?" Emma exclaimed, disgusted.

"So? Hook pees in the shower all the time and you had shower sex with him."

"I had shower sex with you."

"One time."

"Yeah, the time that counted! We made Henry. And we had gravity and a shower massage working against us!"

Suddenly Mer-Mimbo #1 collapsed with a loud thunk and as Mer-Mimbo #2 turned he was whacked hard in the face with a lobster trap swung by an angry and wet Smee shouting, "Take that, motherfucker!"

AN: Smee saved the day? SMEE!?

Next up: Will Emma be exsanguinated?