Note: GUEST reviewers, please have the courtesy to at least make up a name, will you? Just using "Guest" is lazy as fuck.
Note to SQ readers: I don't ship it, but fuck those CSers for trying to co-opt your shit in their systematic attempt to erase the validity of all other ships. The only thing they fear and hate more than another character/ship getting between/taking attention away from their pirate and his one true vagina is a fandom/ship that doesn't raise the white flag of surrender even when insulted and belittled by the show's actors/writers. As a SF shipper, I know how you feel. It stinks to be ignored, baited, and then belittled by the very people who created the characters and relationship dynamics you (once) loved only to then have the shitty example they set be adopted and amplified by a bunch of bigoted, emotionally stunted, and disgustingly entitled dipshits on Twitter and tumblr. Even if you've no chance in canon hell because Eddy Kitsis has a priapism for Hook and enough Disney dollars to pay off the media into supporting that rape culture shipwreck, that doesn't mean you should be silenced. CS, in its complete and utter unoriginality, will be forgotten by its shallow, hormone-driven teenage fans - other than, perhaps, to wonder what they were thinking shipping it as they take out a restraining order against their alcoholic stalker boyfriends.
PART II
CHAPTER SEVENTY-TWO
ONCE UPON A TIME IN MY PANTS
Once a month, Storybrooke had a community meeting in the Town Hall. Usually, the theme was something like "We're cursed again, I bet Regina did it!" or "The town is overrun with refugees from another magical realm without technology and they keep attacking cars with their swords!" or "A new villain is on the rampage, but we're sure Regina did it!".
Of course, Storybrooke also had special community meetings, like the time The Charmings invited everyone to help name their son: which worked out horribly... and then ended extra tragically, because not only did their son have a ridiculous name, but they ended up murdering the father of the kid who was paid off to stick their kid with such a stupid moniker. Ordinarily, one might consider karma, but since in the case of Storybrooke it was more common for innocent victims to suffer the tragic consequences for their abusers' crimes, it was just one more name on the list of collateral damage caused by interacting with Storybrooke's most powerful - or famous, anyway - family.
And it was the First Family of Storybrooke that had begged Dr. Whale to speak to the assembled residents, particularly those refugees.
While a red-faced Henry handed out the cucumbers that Regina had conjured followed by a leering pirate with a basket full of condoms, Mayor Mills was addressing the crowd, "... and while most of you have begun to acquaint yourselves with the technology and customs of this world thanks to Mr. Tillman's automotive workshops and Ms. French's computer courses, it has come to the attention of myself and the City Council that Storybrooke is in the midst of a public health crisis. For more on this, please welcome Dr. Whale."
The bleached-blonde doctor approached the podium with an aggravated expression and his own cucumber and condom.
"All right, people," he began, "here's the thing. I have spent the last several weeks testing the lot of you, and at least seventy-five percent of this town is infected with syphilis, not to mention a host of other venereal diseases. Now, it's going to take a shit-ton of penicillin and other antibiotics to kill your spirochetes, stop your seepage, and clear up the warts on your privates, so until that creepy and mysterious supply train can bring in that butt-load of meds, two things are your friends: condoms and when we soon run out of condoms, ye olde chastity belts. Doing it in the butt is not a preventive measure against sexually transmitted diseases," he concluded with a particular look in Hook's direction.
"What!?" the pirate harumphed. "It's what my brother taught me!"
"Apparently after the malicious prick tricked you into banging your own mother not in the butt."
"Well, he said whores had special magic to not get with child. It was three hundred years ago. Understandings of such processes were rather primitive back then," Hook defended.
"They're primitive now!" Whale growled, gesturing to the mostly Second Curse people. "I had a patient last week who was worried not feeling her baby kick meant the placenta had eaten it!"
"That's not a thing?"
"NO THAT'S NOT A THING!"
Whale took a moment to calm himself. "Look, people. Take your condoms - keeping in mind these are magically transformed from leaves and thus cannot be reused - tear the corner like so and then unroll the condom on your cucumber - which is also not a real cucumber and will taste terrible if you try to eat it."
Seeming pretty confused about all of this still, the people fumbled with their condoms and cucumbers.
A woman with frizzy hair raised her hand and asked, "Where are we to purchase the real nether pox preventing talisman? And is the cucumber to be eaten before or after relations?"
Off to the side Regina rolled her eyes, at the back of the room Henry smacked his forehead and even Hook muttered that he was more competent than these idiots. Whale had to restrain himself from cursing and explained, "These are not replicas of talisman. The cucumber represents a penis. You put a real condom on a real penis before 'relations'. It prevents the transmission of diseases through bodily fluids by stopping those fluids from being exchanged. As such, it also prevents pregnancy."
A man with a beard asked, "You mean it will entirely prevent any of the tiny children in my white hot blood from taking root in my wife's vengeful womb?"
Whale gripped the podium, his knuckles turning white and answered, "That is not how conception works. There are no 'tiny children' in your ejaculate. A woman has eggs. A man has sperm. A sperm fertilizes an egg which then grows into a baby. Haven't you morons ever watched fish spawn or cracked open an egg your hen laid after getting humped by a rooster? How can you be so stupid!?"
This got angry murmurs from the crowd and Regina had to step forward. "No one thinks you're stupid, just uniformed," she tried to placate. "This world has a much greater understanding of biology and medicine. Please read the pamphlets Ms. French is passing out-"
"I can't read!" someone called out.
"Me neither!"
"Yeah, me too!"
About three quarters of the room erupted in agreement.
Regina pinched her nose. "All right, all right, we'll... find a video. Everyone keep practicing with your, um, penis proxies."
Upon reaching the back of the room, she found Snow and Charming sniggering. "Oh, shut up! I'd like to see the both of you up there making fools of yourselves with taco metaphors!"
She turned to her son, "Find me some video that I can magic into the AV system. You must have watched something at your school in New York where the curriculum isn't some medieval abstinence only crap."
Rolling his eyes and muttering about being traumatized for life, Henry called up YouTube on his phone and searched for sex ed videos while Regina deployed the movie screen from the ceiling and Snow complained, "It's not crap. I was taught to save myself until marriage."
"And was that before or after you had 'relations' with Hercules? What were you, fifteen? Sixteen?"
"Wait... what!?" cried David.
"I told you that in confidence!" Snow hissed.
Regina sniggered. "Oh, I'm sorry, was that a secret?"
"You said you were a virgin!" David accused.
"I didn't want you to have performance anxiety your first time," Snow justified.
David rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on, you really bought that? I was trying to be romantic."
"By lying to me that I was your first?"
"You lied first about me being your first!"
"That doesn't excuse it!"
"Exactly!"
Snow glared at Regina. "Well, thank you for ruining our wedding night!"
Regina scoffed. "Oh, please, you said vows in front of some guy who was made and unmade a knight by a murdering, raping psychopath before being exiled. Getting ordained by that on-line church is more legit. That wasn't your wedding night. It the day you exchanged a dirty old cup by a dry lake, watched Charming's mother kick it, and then banged in a tent."
"Oh, look, I found a video!" Henry desperately exclaimed, rather horrify that a sex ed video was less traumatic than listening to his mother and grandparents argue about their sex lives.
"Finally," Regina grumbled.
It took a bit of magical experimentation - she wasn't as adept as Gold at mixing magic and technology - but she got the website on Henry's phone projected onto the screen.
"AHHHHH, IT'S A GIANT DEMON BOX!" someone screamed.
"THE GIANTS ARE GOING TO COME OUT AND EAT US!" someone else shouted.
Of course, they didn't, because the giants started ripping off their clothes instead to bad synthesizer music, which rather enthralled the crowd who'd probably been taught it was bad to even see themselves naked.
"I'm no expert on demon box viewing, mind you," said Hook as the half naked woman opened a door to invite in a pizza delivery guy, "but I do believe that's what is referred to as 'a porno'."
Panicked, Regina tried to stop the spell, but it wouldn't work. She tried to swipe away the app, but the spell seemed to be overpowering it.
Thankfully, it was just a clip of a porno and the next video began to load. Unfortunately, that video was an animated Grumpy trying to sell pornographic pictures of Snow White to a topless Little Red Riding Hood before it switched to the Evil Queen in a dungeon full of dildos hiking up her skirt and using one those dildos-
Henry grabbed the phone and stomped on it until the images on the screen died. "So much therapy! I'm going to need so much therapy!"
"... and that is what my day was like!" Regina moaned over a scotch at Granny's only to catch a faintly guilty look upon Emma's face. "What?"
"Well... I might have borrowed Henry's phone when my battery died the other day to show Neal that, um, porno clip, so it was in the search history..."
"You what!?"
"I'm sorry! It's funny!" Emma defended. "The porno was made by disgruntled ex Disney animators in the seventies and I was wondering if it would be a good joke gift for my parents' anniversary as a sort of apology for, you know, giving them the cold shoulder for the past few weeks."
"You were going to give your parents a porno for a gift? What is wrong with you!?" Regina exclaimed.
"What? We're the same age! They didn't raise me! We're trying to be, you know, friends and stuff, and that's the kind of things friend do."
"Give each other pornos as gifts," Regina skeptically stated. "Who gave you that advice? Hook? Pinocchio?"
"I dunno. I maybe saw it in a movie or on a sitcom?" Emma shrugged. "I never really had friends. I'm kind of winging this as much as the whole parent/child relationship thing. Seriously, though, it's supposed to be hilariously kinky. There's a director's cut where Snow White has an orgy with the Dwarfs and let's just say true love's kiss doesn't involve these lips," she said before taking a drink of her cranberry juice.
"So are you trying to traumatize them into never having sex again and thus never giving you another sibling... or teach them there are more kinds of sex than the missionary position and keep you from getting another sibling?" asked Regina.
"Huh... I didn't consider a subconscious ulterior motivation," mused Emma. "Now it does sound a bit mean."
"Obviously," Regina snorted and rolled her eyes. "And do you realize how prudish your mother is? If there's even tongue in it, Snow says it's porn."
AN: The animated porno is Once Upon A Girl, which I think I've referenced in other stories. You can find the hilariously OUAT-book-like trailer online. I figured now was as good a time as any to drop that one in, and in a bit of a random chapter. The title is from a rather thoughtless response Ginny Goodwin gave to a question about SQ back in 2013. Will it ever happen? She said "It's not called Once Upon A Time In My Pants." Well, she's still right because it's Once Upon A Time In Hook And Emma's Pants. And Snow's been reduced to a useless supernumerary who titters about her daughter's sex life with an abusive asshole and left poor Ginny desperately pandering Zootopia merchandise in her BtS snapshots to remind people that she still has some talent.
Next up: Maybe something with Blue?