Fear is a strange thing. On one hand it has the ability to make you stronger if the circumstances are just right. Giving you the strength and clarity of mind to overcome whatever peril you happen to find yourself in. On the other hand, it has the frightening ability to render the sufferer into a frozen vegetative state. Leaving you in control of nothing more than the blinking of your eyes and the sucking in of short, shallow breaths.
That is exactly the pinpoint feeling that Lucas feels. He feels like he could throw up, and believe it his been close to doing just that since he saw her get carried out of that building. They've been waiting at the hospital for hours, but have not had a speck of information about her condition, apart from when his Uncle Keith had emerged covered in what they all knew was her blood. That in itself had pretty much told them all that they needed to know.
Lucas had collapsed down against a nearby wall after that for the sight had been too much for his eyes to bear and so he had remained sitting there for the better part of the six hours, the only time he got up being to walk back and forth the corridor in almost frenzied panicked motion.
While the others waited and prayed for some sort of miracle. For Peyton to come back to them.
His mom is yet to make the phone call to Larry but they all know that he won't be able to get off the boat for another two weeks and he will be terrified and powerless to be by his daughter's side. If she survives that is. It'll crush them all if she doesn't.
Especially him and himself and probably Brooke too. Those three would definitely take it the hardest.
Lucas's thoughts can't stop racing and he can't catch a single one of them. His long past the stage of believing this to be some sort of awful unbearable dream, hell his even tried pinching himself a few times to see if he can wake up. But it won't work and he knows that know.
Whatever this is, its worse than a nightmare, or some cruel twist of fate and his settling for calling it hell. Because it is, he feels absolutely helpless and with every second that passes by that Peyton is lying on an operating table possibly dying, so do the seconds that he retreats farther and farther into himself.
He shoots up from his spot on the floor and exhales a shaky breath, raking a hand through his short blond hair. Then sets his hands on his hips for leverage.
It's the waiting, the not knowing that is putting him and everyone else under this intense crushing weight of distressed fear. And the longer they take, the more and more he slips into denial that he may have to prepare himself for the worst. There are marks on the hospital floor from where the rubber from his shoes has been worn out due to his excessive pacing. He tries various ways to calm himself but his hands are shaking so bad and his thoughts are racing so bad that he can't even do that.
"Lucas please sit down" comes Karen's voice. As she regards her frantic son, but he won't, he can't. His feelings for the curly headed goldilocks that his pushed down for the better part of the year are starting to become apparent, and he knows he owes it to Brooke to be honest but something is stopping him. Perhaps fear.
Deep down he knows that she knows he will always love Peyton. That shes apart of him, apart of his heart and soul. That it's the sort of love so strong that nobody can come between it, but she's too blinded by her love for him that she can't bring herself to accept it. And for that she is the obstacle standing in the way of him and Peyton being together.
He can't make himself move to console her because his hurting and worrying one million times worse. And every time he looks at his girlfriend all he sees is Peyton because she's like a sister to her and people will always make that connection. Brooke Davis the best friend of gunshot victim, the gunshot victim that died.
He shakes his head to try and rid the awful thought that seems to be imprinted into his mind out. And leans against the wall again for support, in fear that he'll pass out if he doesn't.
"How long is it going to take?" he whispers to himself almost deliriously and it takes him a brief moment to conceal that his just spoken his internal thoughts out loud.
"It'll take as long as it needs to son" his Uncle's voice sounded through the morbid corridor. And he has to consider how true that statement is. What if she never comes out?
His silent for a moment because he generally has nothing to say, the words seem stuck in his throat and then their flowing out his mouth without warning.
"You know I said I'd meet her this morning" he murmurs and a clearing of his throat is quick to follow because that painful knot is seemingly coming back to haunt him.
"Luke don't do this to yourself" Haley pipes up, her voice sounding nothing at all like her own.
"No I...If Peyton..." He stumbles over each word until his finally cut off by a firm and determined voice.
"Stop it. She's going to be fine, the doctors are doing everything that they can. My best friend is a fighter and she is going to be fine" Brooke who has remained quite since they arrived, finally finds her voice. But as soon as it comes its gone again and she's once again reduced to the sobbing mess she had been previously.
"Your damn right she is, right Nathan?" Haley probes, knudging his brother who looks white with torment.
And if Nathan's this messed up then he knows there's a problem because Nathan never gets this emotionally fucked up unless its serious or related to Haley. Nathan says nothing but his blue eyes the twins to his eyes, snap to his. And they hold a watery glazed over edge much similar to the way his do, it's like looking into a mirror.
The suspense is beginning to kill Lucas and come to think of it, it has been killing him since he got here. The idea of the girl he loves being sliced open and poked and prodded with anesthestic is making him sick and he knows its all being done in attempt to save her life but he feels like his letting them murder her or something.
He can't contain his frustration any longer and before he knows it the drugs cart that has been sitting motionlessly in the corner is on the floor and all the contents are spilt out.
Syringes.
Medicine.
Pills.
The whole goddamn package. "LUCAS!" He hears a voice scold, but at this moment he can't care less who the hell it belongs too. He can't even imagine what he looks like right now, he must look flaming mad. Like his lost his mind, what if he has lost his mind?
Maybe his finally cracked.
Maybe now he is really, for real crazy.
Perhaps this impulsive need to always save Peyton has finally gotten to him. A neeky looking male nurse walks past but he knows theres no point in embarrassing himself any further with questions he won't get the answer to. All the other nurses have already turned him away when his tried to get information on her condition and his sure this time won't be any different.
"Smashing the place up isn't going to help" Haley tells him and it does nothing more than add fire to the fuel that is burning inside his stomach.
"Don't tell me what to do Haley, not at a time like this"
"Lucas your scaring us"
"WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSE TO DO HUH PEYTON IS DYING!" He roars, so loud in fact that attention begins to be drawn to them by the other people who are occupying this hell hole. And it takes him a moment to realize what he has just said and his shocked himself as well as the others into silence.
He places a trembling palm over his mouth, then removes it to tug at his suddenly very hot shirt. God why is it so fucking hot up in here?
"Lucas you can't think like that"
"Well what else am I suppose to think. God there was...so much blood"
"Look son, the doctors will do everything that they can to give Peyton what she needs. I'm not gonna beat around the bush, its bad. Its really bad but that young girl has so much to live for and she's gonna come back to us" Keith reassuring words mean nothing to him, his never been a big fan of being belittled by adults especially when his halfway to being one himself.
His eyes draw down to his uncle's blood stained shirt and bile pushes its way up his throat.
For the second time in the last three minutes his eyes flit over to his silent younger brother, who looks like his about to collapse at any second.
"Why didn't you go back for her?" He finds the words tumbling from his mouth before the thought to say them even reach his brain, and he fully expects that familiar pang of guilt at the cruel words his just spoken to follow but it doesn't come.
Nathan looks as the though all the air has just been knocked right out of his lungs and if he hadn't gotten a reaction out of him before he most certainly was going to get one now.
"What are you saying...you blame me for this?" He asks incredulously, his normally warm eyes taking on a cold icy stare. Lucas feels himself rear back a bit, but its too late the damage has been done. No backing out now.
Truth is his still trying to figure that question out. He blames everyone, he blames that bastard Jimmy Edwards who he once considered to be a close friend of his for pulling the trigger, he blames Nathan for not going back for her, he blames Brooke for being her usual petty, jealous self...but most of all he blames himself because yet again he chose the wrong friend and his painfully aware of that now.
He really needs to get out of here before he says something, that'll he'll regret later. But the words just keep coming up his throat like vomit and his on a roll now.
"YOU LEFT HER!" he all but screams, his hand shooting out to grab the cardboard cup full of cold coffee and before he knows it the ugly brown content is seeping down the wall.
"Lucas you can't blame Nathan for this" Haley hisses, staring at her best friend like she doesn't recognize the boy standing in front of her and truth be told his not sure he can say he knows who this person is either.
"Why are you defending someone that left his best friend to die, i have every right to blame him, his the one who didn't go back for her" he spits the words out like there poison and for a second he feels a brief sense of victory.
"Lucas" Brooke gasps not quite believing how unreasonable he is being right now.
"OH YEAH WELL I DIDN'T EXACTLY SEE YOU THERE EITHER, IS THIS WHAT THIS IS ABOUT LUKE YOU FEEL GUILTY CAUSE YOU COULDN'T SAVE HER THIS TIME?" Suddenly he doesn't feel so well and he realizes that to some extent Nathan is right. He didn't go back in...he practically signed her death sentence. He can't stand the thought of it, and instantly his eyes are stinging rather uncomfortably.
"SHUT UP!" He shouts and he swears his face has turned an unhealthy kind of red.
"What is the truth to much for you to handle? your the one who left her to die because you didn't have the balls to go in and get her. Your the one who couldn't protect her, you wasn't there for her and you never have been. I always have. All you've done since you and Brooke got together is put her on the back burner and left her to stand in your fucking dust every single time" There's no stopping Nathan now, once he starts he can't stop and Lucas feels alarm bells begin to go off in his head signalling that his brother is indeed heading down a dangerous path.
"Don't you dare bring me and Lucas's relationship into this" Brooke warns, her raspy voice far from even.
"Oh Jesus Brooke are you that blind that you can't see that your boyfriend is in love with your best friend" Nathan calls it and his going in deep now. Everyone knows it, the only person who doesn't seem to is Lucas and its about time he finally accepted it.
Brooke blinks excessively for a couple seconds but no one misses the tears that make their way down her cheeks before she's swiping at them harshly. She raises a shaky finger and points it at Nathan her lips forming into a thin line of lividity and if Lucas thought he'd seen his girlfriend on a rage before then he had only seen a snippet and that was what she wanted him to see.
"Your out of order" she seethes through gritted teeth her normally impish green eyes flashing to a dangerous gleam.
"Ok everyone just needs to calm down, ok let's just all cope" Karen chimes in her eyes pleading with her sons to stop the madness he has created. But the next words that Nathan goads has him flipping out and unable to stop himself even if he wants to.
"IT SHOULD'VE BEEN YOU!" He yells and the words rip through Lucas's being like a bullet right between the eyes. Before he can get another word in Lucas's fist has swung out and made it across his cheek, and Nathan is so caught of guard that he quite literally gets knocked off his feet.
"LUCAS SCOTT YOU CALM DOWN RIGHT NOW" His mother's admonish does nothing but farther irritate him and his sick of hearing his name. Right now his sick at the fact that his even alive. He turns around to leave because he needs air, so he can breath.
Maybe to even clear his conscience but he only makes it as far as the vending machine when he feels an overpowering weight on his back that sends him tumbling to the floor. And then his being flipped over and met with the pepper red face of his fuming kid brother.
The two are at full brawl in a matter of seconds.
"LUCAS, NATHAN STOP IT" Haley bawls as the two girls run to tear apart their significant others and the two people who should care about each other the most.
In the end its Keith who succeeds in separating the two with the help of Karen. He has to admit his mom's stronger than anyone gives her credit for. Lucas stumbles away from his uncle his eyes shining with tears and his chest heaving with pure through and through white hot rage.
And when Lucas breaks Keith gaze to glare at Nathan, they stare at one another so hard that Lucas starts to think one of them will drop dead any second now. Their eyes hold equally the same hate and he swears it's like junior year all over again.
He can't take it, the guilt, his carelessness and his humanity alone is killing him and he needs time to think. But that would be running away again would it not? And Peyton deserves so much better.
His feet begin walking away from the little group before he can think about it and he hears his name being called but he doesn't stop. Not by a long shot. He sees Mouth and Skills on his way to the exit coming in and when they try to ask him on information about Peyton he shoves past them angrily.
The fresh air hits him like a slap in the face and he doesn't think his ever been more grateful for it. His feet take him to the nearest side wall, away from the view of other people and he leans against the wall before his legs give out.
He doesn't know how long he sits there, and when he begins to feels water dropping onto his hand he looks up at the sky expecting to see rain, it doesn't take him long to realise that his indeed crying.
And then he can't stop and the tears just keep coming, followed by harsh sobs that shake his being violently and he doesn't think he has ever cried so hard in his life.
It's a blessing and a curse.
They'll be coming soon, all of them. the Reporters, the Psychologists, the Police, the Analysts and "the so called experts" to try and make sense of all this. But they never will because no one will fully understand why except for the shooter himself.
He hears the scuff of shoes sound against the small rocks and his attention is forced in the direction of who it could be. There stands Keith his face an ugly sickly pale shade and he feels his heart drop right down into his stomach.
He thinks he might even piss his pants.
"No" is all that he can simply choke out.
Authors Note: Chapter 4 is up and ready for you to read sorry it took so long, so don't hate me for the cliff hanger to much guys but I just thought I'd leave you with that because this story is genre is suspense and drama lol. Is Peyton ok? Is she dead? You'll have to read on to find out. Thanks for any previous reviews and for reading. Have a great week happy Monday!
Thanks.