AN: I hope this isn't confusing. Flashbacks are in italics and are not in any chronological order.
Part 3
Chapter 34
Three Months Later
Beast Boy walked slowly up the hill, as often did now. When he first started coming he went straight to his destination and back; now he preferred to amble along the pathway, admiring the scenic views. Sometimes he talked to her, but only if no one was around. This early in the morning, he figured that would be the case.
The morning was cool and foggy, mist swirling around the rows of grey stones. Hers was in the very back, overlooking the bay and the tower. He figured she would like that. When he reached her headstone he stopped for a minute, gazing at its lettering before taking a seat beside her and staring out over the water.
"Morning Rae," he said softly, running his hand through the grass. It was growing in around the stone nicely, an observation accompanied by a twinge of sadness.
Beast Boy stood with his back straight, trying, like she always had, to make his face unreadable. To his right was Cyborg, to his left Starfire and Robin. He noticed they were holding hands. They had been doing that a lot, ever since... well, ever since that night.
They still didn't say it out loud, at least not in front of him. They always used ambiguous terms like "that night" or "now that she's gone." They never, ever said "dead." It was funny, actually. They were superheroes, prepared to lay down their lives in defense of their city. Technically Raven had died before, when Trigon came to Earth. But it was hard to realize exactly what that meant when the world was reduced to stone and lava. This time was different. This time their own mortality was flashed before them.
"Beast Boy," a gentle voice came from in front of him, snapping him out of his thoughts. People had been moving down the receiving line for hours, and though he had seen a lot of faces he was surprised to find Kole and Gnarrk before him.
"Oh, hey. Sorry, I was just—"
Kole took one of his hands in hers. "It's alright. We're all going to miss her."
"Yeah," he replied quietly. He cleared his throat and continued formally. "Thank you both for coming. It's a long way from the North Pole. It means a lot to us," he said, gesturing to the four others in the line.
"There are people who came from farther," she reminded him. "And you know we wouldn't miss it."
She gave him a sad smile and Gnarrk grunted before they moved on to talk with Cyborg.
Beast Boy looked around for a clock in the funeral home, hoping that the visitation was almost over. Robin had let him pick the venue at his insistence. He knew better than to have something like this at the Tower. It would mar his home even more than it already had been. He still had trouble walking into the common room, even after it returned to its usual state.
Fortunately Robin was having a long talk with the man next in the line, giving Beast Boy a few seconds to himself. He snuck a look over at the casket. He had insisted they leave it closed; he knew she wouldn't want people looking at her on display, if she were here.
Beast Boy remembered how they buried her that afternoon, how the dirt was lumpy and the grass sparse around the site. It was level now, more natural-looking. He sighed.
"Sorry I haven't been up here this week. I wanted to be, but, well, you know. The trial and everything." He brightened up a bit, remembering his news. "She's in jail you know. Life without parole. So basically ex-mayor Forbes is screwed." He paused, looking out over the water. "Bitch deserves it."
"Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you are about to give is the truth to the best of your knowledge?"
"I do." The woman looked stony and calm, even sitting behind the witness stand at her own trial. Beast Boy clenched the seat of the bench, gritting his teeth to keep his anger under control. He was vaguely aware that people were talking to her. Probably the prosecution asking her a question. His entire focus was solely on her. He did listen when she opened her mouth to speak.
"I do not deny what I did. I conspired in the murder of a city hero, of a girl willing to give her life to protect the people of Jump. And that's just what she did."
"That wasn't the question—"
"Raven knew exactly what we had planned. She helped us carry it out!" The Mayor spoke loudly and passionately, as if it were actually the truth. The courtroom was abuzz as the judge slammed the gavel several times, trying to silence the audience and the Mayor herself.
"She made a sacrifice, as have I in order to protect the people as we have sworn to do so!" She yelled over the din. The crowd gasped and whispered.
"Order!" The judge screamed again, finally getting through. "If I don't have silence everyone is out of here!" That effectively shut everyone up. Beast Boy's gaze had never left the woman on the stand. As she looked into the audience assembled in the courtroom, her eyes met his and she stopped. It may have just been his imagination, but he thought it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly he stood, drawing the eye of everyone in the courtroom, including his teammates.
"Beast Boy, what are you doing?" Robin hissed from where he sat next to him. Beast Boy ignored him, He walked into the center aisle, turned away from the scene, and strode out the back doors. He could feel the shocked stares boring into his back, but he just kept walking until he made it outside.
Even now, his jaw was clenched tight. "She's trying to make herself out to be a hero. She told everyone you would bring about the end of the world. Again," he added. "She said... she said that you knew about it," he choked out. He could feel the emotion swelling in him and he cursed himself again. It had been three damn months and he hadn't made it a day without crying yet.
"I told them all that it was impossible Rae, that you wouldn't do that. I know you, and you never give up. Even if we were in danger because of Trigon, you would have told us about it." He swallowed, somehow managing to keep the tears at bay. "It's not true." He looked down at the stone and forced a small smile onto his lips.
"I'm sorry Raven," he said quietly. "I don't need to tell you what you already know." He tried to relax his body as he looked around, taking in the serene beauty of the landscape. He saw the island, the tower, the bridge and the skyscrapers. His eyes settled on the beach.
Beast Boy stared up at his ceiling, studying each imperfection. He felt empty, like there was nothing left inside of him to feel. He hadn't left his room in four days. He only knew that because a concerned Starfire had informed him through his door this morning, offering him food and water in the process. He denied both. That was the first time he had spoken in days. When he did his voice was raspy and shaky. He hated the sound and hadn't said a word since.
He cried. It started when he realized she was hurt. He cried when the coroner finally took her body from his arms. He cried as he collapsed on his bedroom floor, not caring to figure out why or how any of it had happened. He cried as he stared at her blood all over him, wanting to scrub it off but at the same time wanting to keep it there, because at the very least it was hers. It was part of her, a part that covered his hands and his arms and his clothing. He cried out of anger, out of loss, out of guilt that he wasn't able to save her. He should have been able to save her.
All that was left now was a pervading numbness. It felt like none of it was real. Like all there was were the four walls around him, the floor under his feet, and the ceiling over his head. He never had friends, he had never loved Raven, and she had never bled to death in his arms. Time was a blur. He kept his curtains closed tightly. He fell into and out of sleep.
Starfire was not the first to try and talk to him. Each of his friends had come and tried to convince him to come out. They didn't understand, they didn't come close to comprehension.
When he heard a knock at the door yet again, he figured he would get the same routine. He was surprised when it was Starfire's voice on the other side, as she had made the last attempt. He thought it was Cyborg's turn.
"Beast Boy, I know you do not wish for company, but I believe there is something you need to see."
He didn't know why he got up. Perhaps it was the numbness. Before he couldn't bear the thought of seeing them in this state, of listening to them try and talk him down. Now he just felt impenetrable, like there was nothing they could say that could affect him. He moved like a zombie out of bed and stood in front of the door, letting it slide open.
Starfire's eyes grew wide in poorly concealed surprise. Beast Boy didn't know if it was from his presence at the door after so many failed attempts, or if it was in reaction to his appearance. He hadn't showered in days and still had bloodstains on his hands, though he had changed uniforms.
He stared at her until she spoke. "Follow me," she instructed simply, then turned down the hall. Though he didn't care what she had to show him, he obliged.
Oddly enough, they went to the roof. Starfire took his hand gently and led him to the edge facing Jump City.
She didn't have to explain anything. Looking at the shoreline, he knew. Covering the entire stretch from the beach to the start of the forest were thousands and thousands of candles. Each was lit, their flickering light adding to the glowing line of the shore. Whereas he could normally hear faint sounds from the city, tonight it was dark and quiet. He could see tiny dark spots moving among the light, which he somehow knew were people. His legs collapsed beneath him, and he slumped down along the edge of the roof, mesmerized by the sight.
It wasn't until he felt her gentle touch on his shoulder that he realized Starfire had sat down next to him. Tearing his eyes away, he looked at her face in the yellowy glow of distant candlelight.
He saw the moisture in her eyes, the puffy purple bags underneath them. Her normally bright features looked worn and heavy, her heart burdened. With a rush of feeling he realized he wasn't alone.
"I'm so sorry Starfire," he whispered, watching as a tear fell down her cheek. She quickly embraced him and rubbed his back reassuringly as he too began to cry.
"It is okay friend, it is okay."
Beast Boy realized he was wrong. He had plenty of tears left to cry.
"You should have seen it Rae," he said quietly, slowly moving back into the present. "They did it just for you. They loved you." He twirled the lone flower he held in his hand. As he always did, he placed the rose at the base of her headstone as he stood.
"I have to go now before the team wakes up. They miss you too, of course." He stood there awkwardly, wishing he could stay awhile longer. He ran his fingers along the smooth edges of the headstone, wishing not for the first time that it was her skin instead. That she was warm and living and standing right in front of him.
"Goodbye Raven," he sighed. "I love you." Without another glance, he morphed into a bird and took flight, not trusting himself to stay composed as a human.