Chapter 36
Beast Boy pushed down on the pile of clothing, trying to cram as much as he could into the suitcase. He had packed only the essentials: a few days worth of clothing, toiletries, a few pictures, and the holo-ring Cyborg had given him. He had no idea where he was going or what he was going to do, but he knew he couldn't stay here.
The room was dead quiet. Beast Boy bravely looked into each of his friends' shocked faces, waiting for one of them to say something. Unsurprisingly, it was Robin who spoke up first.
"Beast Boy, are you sure that's a good idea? We talked about it and we're really sorry. What I said earlier was uncalled for." Robin looked him straight in the eye, giving an earnest apology. They were rare for him, and Beast Boy did appreciate the gesture, though it made no difference on his decision.
He shook his head. "No, you were right. I can't do this forever. I can't keep living here. I walk in here or on the roof and I just can't stop thinking about her." He paused letting out a sigh as his eyes moved to the floor. "I just need to get away for a while. Not forever, just... I don't know. Until I don't feel this way anymore." His proclamation was once again met with silence. He slowly brought his eyes up and snuck a look at their expressions.
All three stared back with sad eyes. Like they knew his acceptance of their suggestion was for the best, even if they didn't want him to leave.
"You know, you don't have to leave. You can just stay here, you don't have to fight with us if you don't want to." Beast Boy shook his head to say no, and to signal his irritation at Robin suddenly changing his mind at kicking Beast Boy out.
"I can't even stay in Jump City. I'm sorry," he whispered, catching Starfire's crushed look.
"Where will you go?" Cyborg tried to hide his emotion as best he could, clenching his jaw and keeping his face strong.
"I don't know yet," he answered truthfully. "I kind of just want to float around, see some things." He shrugged, keeping his answer non-committal.
"But you will keep in touch while you are gone?" Starfire asked with worry in her voice. "And you will return when you are feeling better?"
Beast Boy gave her a small smile. "I'll try Star," he said gently. He just didn't know if trying would be enough.
Beast Boy tugged the zipper closed and stood the bag upright. He went through the details in his mind, making sure he had everything. He was startled to hear a knock on the door. He thought he had said his goodbyes in the common room.
"Beast Boy?" It was Robin's voice, though it lacked its usual confidence.
Beast Boy strode over to the door, peeking outside to see what Robin wanted.
He stood with one arm against the door jam, the other playing with the stack of objects it held. "I wanted to give you these. To make sure you were going to be okay." He handed over the items and Beast Boy flipped through them. There was a passport, a driver's license, and a folded birth certificate, all unauthentic and all for a white, blonde version of himself named Garfield Mark Logan. His real name.
"Where did you get all this?" he asked.
"I made it up after you announced you were leaving. It's excellent quality, you won't have any problems with it," he said reassuringly. "Cyborg said you had a holo-ring?" Beast Boy nodded. "Good."
Beast Boy reached the last item, a clipped wad of bills that he estimated added up to a couple thousand dollars.
"Robin, you don't have to—"
"Please Beast Boy. We only want you to be okay. To be happy, if you can be," he added quietly. Beast Boy gave him a small smile.
"Thank you. For everything." He looked his leader in the eyes and delivered his words with as much meaning as possible.
"Don't mention it," Robin said quietly, backing away from the door. Beast Boy also backed into his room, turning as he let the door slide shut. He sighed, adding his communicator and the gifts from Robin to the front pouch of his small suitcase.
He looked around his room, giving it a final look-over before he left. Something in his gut bothered him though. Any room in the Tower was full of hundreds of memories, all of which he painfully relived after the night of the gala. There was one room though that he had avoided for good reason. He hadn't set foot in Raven's room since she died.
It wasn't that he hadn't tried. He had walked shakily up to her door several times. But as soon as he saw her name in the black, utilitarian lettering on the door, he lost any nerve he had worked up.
One more try, he breathed to himself, grabbing the handle of the suitcase and shutting the lights off as he went out the door.
When he arrived at her door, he stopped for a moment, studying it and the surrounding stretch of hallway. He had stood outside it so many times, mostly to annoy the shit out of her in hopes she would come out and hang with him. It didn't work very often.
The same waves of apprehension hit him, like this was not something he was supposed to be doing. It wasn't just him avoiding the room: no one had entered since she herself left it that night. He closed his eyes and breathed, knowing this would be his last opportunity.
He walked closer to the door, allowing the motion sensor to register his movement and open the entrance to her room.
It was so dark at first that he couldn't see a thing. He slowly took a few steps forward, suitcase trailing behind. The door slid shut behind him as he let his eyes adjust.
He stood stock still for a while, until every inch of the room was visible to his heightened sense of sight. Then, leaving the suitcase standing on its own, he ventured in further.
He went to the bookcase first, which was covered in a thin layer of dust. Everything was, now that he looked at it. It made it look even more eerie than the last time he had been in here. He walked to the dresser, looking at the hand mirror that rested on top of it. On a whim, he reached out and held it, though no matter how hard he stared at the surface, nothing happened.
He set it down gently on the counter, careful to put it back in its dust outline. He had never liked Raven's room, up until now. Now every part of it, every corner and color and piece of furniture reminded him of her.
He sighed and turned to her bed, cautiously appraising it. He drew closer, running a hand over the comforter that three months ago, he had made love to her on. His fists clenched in the fabric.
"Raven," he whispered as he sat down gingerly on the edge. "I miss you so much." He was sick and tired of crying, but he could feel the swell of moisture in his eyes.
"You remember when I told you I loved you?" he said, ending with a half-laugh. "You don't know how much you love something until it's gone."
A slow, passive tear rolled down his cheek as he laid back on the bed, head resting on her pillow. He turned his head, taking a deep breath against the fabric. He almost choked when he discovered it still smelled like her.
He turned on his side, suddenly exhausted. He slid one arm under the pillow to cradle it against his head. Instead of the cool, soft feel of her sheets, he felt the crisp edge of paper.
Instantly, his brows drew together. He sat up abruptly, pulling out the thing from beneath the pillow. It was a folded sheet of paper with three letters on the outside.
Gar.
His heart beat faster. His mind raced and his ears rang as he slowly opened the note.
I'm so sorry Gar, but I don't have time to explain. If things go like they're supposed to, I should be dead. I love you and I never wanted this to happen, but it was the only way. Please, believe me when I say that. I need help from you Gar. There might be a way to reverse things and bring me back. I need you to find Malchior. He'll know what to do.
I love you Garfield. I always will.
Raven
Beast Boy stood so fast from the bed that his head spun, but he paid no attention to it as he tore out of the room, grabbing the suitcase as he ran by.