"Imagine trying to live without air.

Now imagine something worse."

―Amy Reed,Clean

The sheets that wrapped around Danny were drenched in his sweat. He had not taken the pills that allowed the pleasure of sleeping without nightmares of haunting memories of the past. Danny's hands pulled frantically at the area around his neck. His breathing was rapid as his lungs expanded painfully. He felt like he was being choked to death slowly.

Danny knew it was only the nightmare that had caused him to sit up startled from an already restless sleep. The nightmare that was also causing him to feel his neck being squeezed to the edge death. His hands shook as they grasped at something not even there. His haziness finally dissipated when he realized there was no rope tight around his neck. Danny's body shook involuntarily as he remembered Tara's cold eyes staring back at him.

His nightmare of taking Tara's life had stopped a few years ago after therapy in juvenile detention. Those nightmares came back when his father fell to his death. Danny wondered if his father's eyes held the same vacantness that Tara's eyes held when he met his own death.

Danny glanced at the clock realizing it was way too late to call Lacey. She was his calming factor even if he didn't tell her the real issues he was dealing with. Just hearing Lacey's voice caused him peace.

He had avoided Jo most of the day claiming he was still sick. She hadn't been that difficult to avoid. Jo seemed angry over something and Danny wasn't in the mood to coddle her to find out what that was. Besides, he was going to ask Lacey advice on how to break up with her. Not that Lacey was the one that he should ask an opinion on that matter. However, she was his only female friend as other girls shied away from him or parents refused to let them near him. However, deep down, Danny wanted Lacey to know his true feelings about Jo Marie Masterson. There were not romantic feelings for Jo as Lacey had suggested and Danny had tried his hardest to conjure up. They were just not there to be forced forward. They never were. It was a huge mistake for him to even try to make something out of nothing. Realizing this was also realizing that leading Jo on was only going to make matters worse. However, he had never broken up with a girl. Lacey was the only one to date him besides Jo. She did the breaking up, which broke his heart. He wanted to try to avoid Jo as much hurt as possible. Maybe Lacey knew how to do that.

Danny decided maybe watching something on Netfix or surfing the internet would take his mind from the nightmare that was tormenting him. He pulled open his laptop and began searching through movies on Netflix. Nothing seemed interesting. Then he pulled up the internet trying desperately to find anything to take his mind off of Tara's lifeless eyes . Eventually, he found himself looking through instagram at Lacey's photos. He couldn't help but smile at the photos she had put up the last couple of days before their break up. He remembered her taking photos of them while they hid their secret relationship. The poses were in such couple like settings. His favorites were of those photos in her room on her bed kissing each other. The past photos were of her and Archie but they never seemed as close as Danny and she seemed. Nor did Lacey seem as happy. His favorite was Lacey making a kissy face towards him as he rolled his eyes at her antics. Their relationship may have been a secret but it was still the most relaxing and happy time of his life.

The more recent photos were a few of her and her little sister Clara. There was one of all three of the beautiful Porter females that stood out to Danny. Lacey had a beautiful family. The more Danny stared at the photos, the more his head pounded with pain. He figured it was the voice in his head constantly reminding him of his unworthiness of such a beautiful person as Lacey was.

His head began to throb so badly that he left Lacey's instagram and went to Jo's. He wasn't on there long as he felt completely not interested. The instagram was filled with selfies and quotes that Jo felt were somehow intelligent. Danny rolled his eyes at himself for ever trying to entertain the idea of a romantic relationship with her. What was he thinking? Fortunately, Danny was very pleased it had only been a couple of weeks. And within those couple of weeks, they rarely spent time together. On the rare occasions that Danny tried to be a boyfriend to Jo, it was burdensome and not physical. After the first kiss with Jo, Danny realized there was no tingle, no spark, and no desire from him to her. Once again, Danny questioned himself. What was I thinking?

It wasn't long before Danny's thoughts went back to Lacey. As always, Danny migrated to Lacey in all his thoughts. He drew in a much needed breath of air as his mind played over and over the times he and Lacey laughed together. As any sixteen year old boy would do, Danny began to think of their intimate times. It was then that Danny realized those memories were like old relics that were to be shelved to admire but never to be touched again.

At that conclusion, Danny was surfing the web about a subject he never thought he'd go to. There before him on some blog on tumblr, Danny saw better ways to get a quicker more poignant high. He glanced at his door to make sure it was shut tightly. He swallowed the feeling of doing wrong that resonated from the pit of his stomach into his throat. However, like any choice of doing the wrong thing, Danny fought his conscious and continued reading the blog with an intensity that gnawed at him. Yet, he never quit reading the lines that scrolled before him.

It wasn't long before Danny had crushed three of the pills on top of the surface on his desk. He had pulled a straw from an old soda in the trash. He cut the straw with a pair of scissors on his desk. Then with a shaky unconfident hand, Danny held the straw in the tips of his fingers. He placed the straw to the crushed powder before him. Feeling like a character from a movie from some type mafia film, Danny sniffed the powdered substance into his nostrils. At first it burned causing Danny to cough slightly. Then he tried again and did it slower while holding his thumb against his opposite nostril. He had seen that done in a movie called Blow.

Danny cleaned up evidence of his crime in a slow sloppy method. He then flung his body back on the bed holding out both arms as he felt like a tree cut down in its prime.

He basked in the euphoria that took over his senses. Here, in this world of incoherent madness, was the only place that afforded Danny to take down the relic and be worthy to do so. Here Danny walked hand in hand down Green Grove High School hallways with Lacey. Friends greeted them joyfully. Lacey proudly held tightly to him. No one caused her pain or taunted her for being with the loser. Here, Lacey was happy and so was he.

Here his mind was allowed to travel from one scene to the next with ease. Here Danny could be with Lacey without causing her harm for loving him back.

Halting momentarily from enjoying the images of Lacey twirling in a pink cotton dress in the water of the ocean, Danny stared up at his room spinning in slow circles. He wondered if someone would look in his eyes at this very moment would they see the vacant stare that Tara's eyes held. As her face and his father's face came before him both taunting him with evil laughter, Danny didn't shirk away or try to run. He laughed back at them in the same menacing laugh they held for him. In his high state, he felt numb to them. Danny thought the demons couldn't torment him while the drug coursed through his veins.