Chapter 41

Robin kept his breathing in time to the pounding of his boots against the grey tower floor. Normally when he ran into battle, he used the moment to collect himself, to prepare for what he was about to face in order to come out victorious. Right now, he had no idea what awaited him on the other side of Raven's door, which he and his teammates frantically raced towards. He wasn't even sure he could come out victorious.

He came screeching to a halt outside his destination, taking a moment to stare at the block lettering between him, Beast Boy, and whatever Beast Boy had gotten himself into. He thrust his hand up to the scanner in the panel beside the door, overriding the lock.

Almost silently, the door slid open, letting a rectangular stream of light fall into the otherwise dark room.

Squinting into the shadows, he took a few steps forward, trying to make out what was ahead of him. Robin stopped still in his tracks. Eager to move inside, Cyborg and Starfire ran right into his back, but before they could say anything, they saw it too.

Beast Boy, huddled on the floor, holding onto a teary-eyed, very much alive Raven.

Robin's heart skipped a beat. That's what it felt like, the clench in his chest. His lungs felt like they'd had the breath knocked out of them. He stood there, mouth agape, eyes locked on her.

"Raven," he managed to whisper.

Starfire moved first, and the boys followed her lead. Soon they were in a huddle on the floor, hugging and crying and laughing. Their friend, their sister, was back. She was alive, and she was sitting right in front of them.

"How?" he heard Cyborg asking, voice soft and incredulous. "How are you alive?" After the initial shock began to wear off, Raven started to answer.

"I'm so sorry, I knew you would try and stop me if I told you," she rushed to explain. Robin leaned back, propping himself up with his arm, a thousand questions swimming through his head.

"So you knew," he said slowly, more to himself than to her. "You knew that the Mayor was trying to kill you?" Raven nodded, her eyes on the floor. "You wanted to stop Trigon, so you let her, but you had a way of coming back? Why didn't you tell us Raven, we could have helped you. We could have—"

"It was complicated," she said softly, never meeting his gaze. Robin drew his brows together, but before he could question her further Starfire interrupted.

"It does not matter to me what transpired before that horrible night, I am simply overjoyed that you have returned to us unharmed!" Starfire went in for another bone-crushing hug, and Raven's eyes grew wide.

"Uh, no one's answered my question yet. How are you alive?" Cyborg asked again. A small, sad smile came to Raven's lips.

"Soul separation," she answered, voice still low. "When I died, I let my spirit transfer to an object. I left Beast Boy with a spell that could give physical form to that spirit."

"You make it sound a lot easier than it was," Beast Boy added. Robin could tell that the comment was supposed to sound light, but there was a deeper undercurrent of emotion beneath it. He looked back and fourth between Beast Boy and Raven. While they still held onto each other, their dynamic was shifting. Raven snuck teary-eyed glances at him, while he looked down at the floor, expression neutral but jaw clenched.

Robin kept his eyes on Raven as Starfire continued the conversation. He wasn't really listening to the details; Star was telling her how much she missed her, how much everyone had missed her. Cyborg echoed the sentiments, but kept asking questions about what had happened. Raven seemed visibly shaken by them, but she stuttered out answers. Robin knew this was a long and complicated story, but the details would come out eventually. She was alive, and she was safe. For him, there was only one question that couldn't wait.

"Where's Malchior?" he asked suddenly, accidentally interrupting Raven's sentence. She looked a bit confused, and looked directly to Beast Boy.

Looking up, Beast Boy's gaze darted around the room, searching for an answer. "Shit," he muttered.

Robin took a look around as well, eyes settling on Raven's open window. He stood, walking over to it and staring out over the bay. "Looks like he got away."

Robin grimaced, clenching his hands into a fist. He wanted so badly to just focus on the moment in front of him, but that wasn't the way his mind worked. His stomach churned with worry about the situation they now found themselves in. Raven was alive, and that changed everything.

Pulling the tall pane of the window shut, he turned back to the group assembled on the floor at the foot of Raven's bed. Raven looked overwhelmed and uncomfortable, sorting though all of Starfire's affection and Cyborg's interrogation. Beast Boy was still silent. Robin figured that had to be the most unsettling of all.

There was something that still bothered him too. He couldn't put his finger on it, there was just something different about her. It had been three months since he had seen her. Could my memory have faded that quickly?

He sighed. It was one of those rare occasions when it wasn't clear to him what the right thing to do was. Looking at Raven, he decided that the best thing for now was to prioritize her well-being.

"Hey guys, I know we're all excited to see that Raven is still alive—we're more than excited, actually," he added, giving Raven a warm smile, "but why don't we give her some space. She's probably got a million questions too and seems pretty overwhelmed." Raven turned and gave him a grateful half-smile.

"But..." Starfire began to protest, lip quivering. Robin extended a hand, helping her to her feet.

"It'll just be for a little while. You guys can help me track down Malchior, he can't have gotten far."

Starfire looked back and fourth between Robin and Raven, finally relenting with a downcast look and a sigh. Cyborg too appeared to struggle with the thought of leaving now, but he stood up as well. The three of them slowly started moving towards the door. Robin turned and raised an eyebrow at Beast Boy.

"You guys go ahead. We'll meet you in the common room when we're ready," he said, voice and expression neutral.

Robin tried to catch his eye, but Beast Boy moved them quickly back to the floor. It was easy for his teammates to do that when they couldn't see through his mask. He pursed his lips, tempted to say more, but instead slowly moved out of the doorway, letting the door slide shut. He stared for a moment more at the block letters spelling Raven's name, then turned and walked on to catch up with this teammates.

He tried to soothe his unease by focusing on the one thing that really mattered.

She's alive.

The door slid shut. The room was once again dark, softly lit from the rising sun streaming through her window.

They sat still together, Raven curled into his chest, head tucked under his chin. He leaned against the foot of her bed, one hand in her hair, the other wrapped around her. He played absently with her hair, running his fingers through its newly grown length.

Raven's heart still felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. Everything had gone right. She almost couldn't believe it. To open her eyes and find Beast Boy, to know that she was going to live and that Trigon hadn't risen and that everything was going to be okay... it made her head spin and her body shake with a kind of overwhelming relief.

There were still so many questions that it made her stomach churn, but she pushed it aside for the moment. She only wanted to focus on one person.

Beast Boy. Garfield. She breathed in his scent and felt the warmth from his skin. She could feel him trembling against her. She looked up at his face; he looked away towards the floor, jaw hard. He was crying again. She watched tears slide slowly down his face, though he clearly fought to hold them back.

When she had opened her eyes and saw him for the first time, she could see he had been crying. He cried again as he held her. They were tears of overwhelming joy, same as hers. The ones that fell from his eyes now had lost that joy; he cried out of heartbreak and pain.

It was the saddest thing she had ever seen.

Suddenly she knew exactly what he was thinking, what he was feeling. She had lied to him. She had betrayed him. She lead him on, made him think they had a future. He was starting to realize this, the reality of what she had done to him. She could feel the tension growing inside him, but she wasn't sure what to say. What could she possibly tell him to make it better, to lessen the pain? The guilt made her stomach churn and froze the words on her lips.

Raven didn't know how long they sat there, neither saying a word. It was too long.

Slowly, she brought her eyes up to look at his face. He looked down and to the side, avoiding eye contact. She saw at the tension in his jaw, the pinched set of his lips, and the tears that slowly slid down his cheeks. She couldn't take it; she let her own tears spill over, silent and unsteady. "Beast Boy," she whispered. "Gar... I'm... I'm so sorry," she choked out, bringing a hand up to cup his cheek. "Please," she begged, tilting her face to try and look into his eyes. He turned away sharply, his face settling into a pained scowl.

"Please, you have to understand, I had to protect you. All of you. I love you. I love you so much Gar, and—"

He looked up suddenly, right into her eyes with a startling intensity. "And what?" he ground out, voice breaking. "What else is there to say? When I said I love you, I meant it." He looked up to the ceiling, clenching his jaw to keep himself under control. It didn't work. The slow tears picked up speed as he heaved choking sobs. As upset and angry as he was, he drew her closer, clutching her for dear life. "How?" he whispered, voice high and strained. "How could you do this to me?"

Guilt crashed down on her like a wave, knocking the air out of her lungs. "I..." she started, but didn't have anything to follow.

"Do you have any idea what the past three months have been like?" he asked, voice laced with desperation. "You were dead. And I thought, we all thought, that you were never coming back." He spoke with conviction, his volume growing. "I watched the life go out of your eyes, and then I had to hang on to your limp, lifeless body with those dead eyes staring at me as the coroner came to take you away in a plastic bag, all the while hoping that somehow, if I just hung on a little longer, you would..." He trailed off, at a loss for words. "I don't know... come back to me."

Raven's head swam. "Three months?" He blinked at her. "I was dead for three months?" He didn't reply, only turning his head away to continue staring at the carpet.

"I, I didn't know," she stuttered. "It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I thought you would find the note sooner. I didn't think—"

"There's the problem," he interjected. "You didn't think. Your one hope for survival was a note. A tiny piece of paper you left under your pillow. What if I never found it? What if Malchior couldn't figure out what to do? How could you have left something so important to fate? You didn't think any of this through, you just did what you always do and ran away instead of facing your problems."

She recoiled, the harshness of his words burning in her mind. They were both silent for a moment. Raven stared at him, eyes wide, but he stood his ground. The guilt melted as she grew defensive. He has to understand...

"What should I have done?" she said slowly. "Let Trigon come back? Try to stop him like we did last time?" Her gaze hardened. "I wasn't going to watch my friends die again. I wasn't going to put my life above the lives of everyone on this planet, in this universe!" She took a shaky breath, making eye contact with him as he finally looked up at her. "The only thing I thought about was how I was going to protect you."

"Protect me?" Beast Boy asked, incredulous. "Raven, you ruined me." His voice was ragged, his breathing unsteady. Raven hadn't noticed before, but she could see the bags under his eyes, the stubble along his chin, the weary slump in his posture.

"I... I'm sorry," she stammered, wishing she had her cloak to pull around her. She tried to keep her voice steady and firm. "I love you. I really do, but—"

"Do you understand what love is?" Beast Boy spat out, taking Raven aback. Anger simmered in his eyes. "Love is being partners, it's trusting one another. How could you not trust me?"

"Trust isn't enough," she retorted, matching his volume. She could feel her own frustration, her own anger coming alive and taking hold of her. "When you live the lives that we do, you have more to think about than just yourself."

"Are you calling me selfish?"

"I didn't say that, I just—"

"You might as well have! How can you say that when you've done this? You always talk about making sacrifices but you never think about how they'll affect anyone else. You're just so goddamn stubborn!"

Raven stood abruptly, casting off the arms that wrapped around her like a cage. Anger churned in her gut, ready to be unleashed. A part of her told her to stop, that this was getting out of control. She didn't listen. She let the words fall recklessly from her lips, letting her emotion take full control of her.

"How dare you say that," she spat at him. "You've never had to make that kind of decision, or that kind of sacrifice. I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused you, but don't misunderstand me. I would make the same decision again in a heartbeat."

"Then how can I possibly trust you!?" Beast Boy was on his feet again, closing the gap between them. "Am I just supposed to forget this happened? You lied to me, you betrayed me!" Raven met his desperate glare, her own eyes flashing. Their faces were only inches apart.

She opened her mouth to speak, but before she could her room lit up in a flash of red.

When the alarm started to ring, both of them jumped. They looked to the light on Raven's wall, then back at each other, unsure what to say. Raven's door slid open, revealing Robin's lean silhouette against the bright light of the hallway.

"Titans, trouble!"

AN: Bet you thought you'd never hear from me again, huh? Sometimes life is good, sometimes life is hard, and either way it distracts you from getting shit done. I took a look through the story stats as I put the finishing touches on this chapter, and was blown away by the number of people who have taken the time to read this story. So I know I've said it before, but truly, thank you. It means so much to me.

XOXO (we're almost there),

Gwen