Hi guess who's not dead
me im not dead
changed the text formatting slightly and only when gil sends the screenshots to make it easier to read
Saturday
(12:34) Sup.
(12:36) Good afternoon, Gil.
(12:36) It took you two whole minutes to reply. Im wounded, Birdie.
(12:37) :)
(12:38) Wow that smiley looks threatening as hell.
(12:38) As it should.
(12:39) Why would you threaten me? Im a good person.
(12:40) You know what? The important thing is that you believe that.
(12:41) Fuck you.
(12:42) ;)
(12:43) What.
(12:43) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;(
(12:44) Oh look. A sad winky face.
(12:44) SHIT I FU CKED UP
(12:45) Ha!
(12:46) DAMN IT, BIRDIE! I WAS TRYING TO BE SMOOTH!
(12:47) Oh don't worry, you were definitely smooth.
(12:48) Smooth as crunchy peanut butter, Gil.
(12:48) Smooth as the bottom of a Crunch bar.
(12:49) But neither of those things are smooth…?
(12:49) You know what? Forget it.
(12:50) Someones in a sassy mood today.
(12:51) Arthur's been here all day and I've been absorbing his sass like a sponge.
(12:52) More like a leech
(12:53) HA
(12:56) ….You didnt block me, did you?
(12:58) No I was in the bathroom.
(12:58) The bathroom?
(12:59) ;)
(1:00) Yeah I was just throwing up.
(1:01) :(
(1:01) It's okay though. My throat kind of burns, though.
(1:02) I know what will make you feel better Birdie!
(1:02) What?
(1:02) Hold on lemme screenshot it…
(1:04) Here.
[Gilbert has sent a picture message]
[Gilbert has sent a picture message]
[Gilbert has sent a picture message]
[Download images?]
[Images downloaded]
((( GROUP CHAT FULL OF ASSHOLES
11/12/15
FRIDAY, P.M
Feli: m E MES
Luddy: Feliciano, please calm down.
Feli: there is no feliciano
Feli: oNL Y MEME S
Me: Who the fuck gave Feli alcohol again
Lovino: yALL FUCKER'S ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE IT's elEVEn PM ON a frIDAY
Me: Who the fuck gave Lovino alcohol again
Lovino: ME YOU assHoLE
Kiku: I'm broken inside.
Feli: dont be meAN kik u
Feli: or sho uld i saaay m E me
Luddy: End my life, please.
Lovino: BAStARD GIVE ME A hUUUg
Luddy: Why am I always the one stuck with the drunk Italians?
[Gilbert has changed the group chat name to rip luddy 2k15]
Luddy: Brother, you are of no help. Kiku, please help me.
Me: I'd help, Luddy, but the stars are not in position for this tribute.
Kiku: Stars. Can't do it. Not today.
Feli: THATS because gilbert is a mE AN MEME MACH INE
Feli: CHOO CHOO
Lovino: dkbAHBUWDGJEHB
Kiku: What.
Luddy: From what I can see, he is trying to make out with his phone.
Luddy: No, never mind, he's…
Luddy: Aaaand he's crying.
Luddy: He's crying on his phone.
Me: Gross. Who wants salt all over their phone screen?
Lovino: wehwjehIUH #RI #RFB#JBqwifbv ;;;) I#HFBU#$F(3r1g gr
Me: Im not going to ignore the ;;;)
Feli: dont you mean youre n ot going to ign ore the meME S
Kiku: Feliciano, last time I checked, you did not have -any- alcohol at your dorm due to it being confiscated by the dean.
Kiku: What could you possibly be drunk off?
Feli: m em es
)))
(1:09) I
(1:10) Was that an El Dorado reference?
(1:10) Yes. Yes it was.
(1:11) Surprisingly, Kiku and I are in tune about many things.
(1:12) Partaking in random references to films, novels, or plays is a true key in our friendship.
(1:12) I can see that.
(1:13) So anyways, you've got a birthday coming up soon. What are you turning, nineteen? Now we'll be the same age!
(1:14) ahahahaha well birdie you see
(1:15)...Oh dear.
(1:16) I'll sort of
(1:16) Be turning
(1:16) Twenty
(1:17) No big deal, I guess. You're only a couple of months older than me.
(1:18) Yes but Im still in school and havent even graduated for university yet.
(1:19) That's fine. Francis is almost 21 now.
(1:19) Youre taking this surprisingly well
(1:20) My brother is dating a 23 year old sarcastic British asshole who was once a punk that destroyed property? Do you really think this isn't something I'm used to?
(1:21) What, dating older guys who are so sexy they make your pants drop the instant you walk in the room?
(1:22) What?
(1:23) What?
(1:24) What do you mean dating older guys?
(1:25) isn't lars like 26 tho
(1:25)...No.
(1:26) Oh.
(1:27) Besides, like I said, you're only a couple of months older than me. Like, only six months.
(1:28) Oh
(1:29) Thats a thing I guess
(1:30) So was that Feliciano? In the screenshots? Ludwig's boyfriend?
(1:31) Yeah, as well as Antonio's boyfriend Lovino and our equally as important friend Kiku.
(1:32) Why is everyone we are associated with in a gay relationship of some sort?
(1:33) Oh honey you should see my school.
(1:33) Did you just call me honey
(1:34) My other dorm mates, Toris and Feliks, are dating, this scary Belarusian chick who looks like the snow queen from that one movie is dating my adorable cinnamon roll cousin, and then there is, of course, Yao Wank and his little brother, Long Wank.
(1:35) Or was it Leon Wank?
(1:35) Anyways Im like ninety percent sure aforementioned Belarusian chick's big brother is flirting with Yao and his lil bro has a boyfriend that goes to a different school.
(1:36) The amount of...There's gotta be something in the water.
(1:37) Homo water has a nice ring to it.
(1:38) No it doesn't.
(1:39) What about you and your homosexual ties?
(1:39) For a brief second I was confused and thought you meant bowties.
(1:39) Homoties
(1:40) No.
(1:40) Well, there's Arthur's friends, Lukas and Vlad. Lukas's boyfriend is this really loud, LOUD guy named Matthias and Vlad's boyfriend is this really cheerful guy who actually lives across the street from us.
(1:42) His name is Nikolaj and sometimes I can see him sobbing in a pile of upturned yogurt cartons.
(1:43) I hardly ever approach him.
(1:44) Seems like a wise decision to make
(1:45) Matthias and Lukas both live with three other guys-Lukas's brother and their friends, Tino and Berwald. They're married.
(1:46) What would our wedding be like, Birdie?
(1:47) When we say our vows, instead of saying, like, 'I do', would we say 'I feel the homo for you?'
(1:47) I'm having war flashbacks from when you first confessed.
(1:48) Mwahahahahahahaha
(1:49) Alrighty, Birdie, Ive got some stuff to do. I will miss you.
(1:50) Don't worry, Gil. I'm still going to be here when you get on your phone in six hours.
Sunday, A.M
(11:11) Hello?
(11:14) Yooooo!
(11:15) ANSWERRRRRRR
Sunday, P.M
(1:12) Hello from the other siiiiide.
(1:22) I must have called a thousand tiiiimes.
(5:44) Lonely
(5:45) Im so lonely
(5:50) I have nobody
Monday, A.M
(2:45) YOU LIED TO ME
(2:45) ITS TW o in THE FUC KING MORN ING
(2:46) Its almost three though
(2:47) Hi this is Matthew's twin brother! The person you are reaching is currently out of use. Please don't text or call again!
(2:47) DONT PLAY THESE GAMES WITH ME, ALFRED.
(2:48) Hi this is Matthew's twin brother! The person you are reaching is currently out of use. Please don't text or call again!
(2:49) I know where you live
(2:50) Hi this is Matthew's twin brother! The person you are reaching is currently out of use. Please don't text or call again!
(2:51) UGGGGH
Monday, P.M
(1:39) Guys Birdie isnt answering his phone.
(1:41) he is most likely thinking of you (●´ω｀●)
(1:42) Toni shut up and heLP ME.
(1:43) Mr Johannes is EVIL I TELL YOU
(1:44) Lmao did he tell you to not use flirting as a way to cheat on the test again
(1:45) Even worse, he's not letting me use a calculator.
(1:45) That evil shit.
(1:46) ….fear
(1:46) Terror.
(1:47) Horror.
(1:48) What could Toni do to help though?
(1:49) I don't know. Be so stupid he's actually smart once again? The Antonio paradox, remember?
(1:50) there's always the option for murder ʘ‿ʘ
(1:41) That, too.
(1:42) Nah I don't think thats really an option right now I mean
(1:42) Isnt the headmaster doing classroom rounds today
(1:43) destroy all witnesses (◑‿◐)
(1:44) Leave no discriminating evidence behind.
(1:44) Sometimes Im concerned that you guys have planned an actual murder.
(1:45) (｡◕‿◕｡)
Tuesday, A.M
(4:20) HEY BIRDIE GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS
(4:20) Hi this is Matthew's twin brother! The person you are reaching is currently out of use. Please don't call or text again!
(4:21) FUC K
Tuesday, P.M
(6:49) Hey Matthew, did Alfred actually take your phone?
(6:41) Hello, Arthur.
(6:43) You didn't say Artie and now I'm suspecting this is not truly Alfred.
(6:44) It's not. He stole my phone the other day and hasn't given it back. I suspect he's texting Gilbert.
(6:45) Ah. I'd prefer for this sibling's quarrel to end now, thanks.
(6:45) I'm a bloody Kirkland, you really think I want to have to deal with two other brothers fighting?
(6:46) ANOTHER pair of twins, no less?
(6:46) You have a point. Sorry for bothering you…
(6:47) No lad, give Alfred the fucking phone and let me talk to him.
(6:50) Yeah but I just got it back.
(6:51) Oh yay
(6:52) But Alfred, being the douchewaffle he is, didn't charge my phone at all.
(6:53) So sadly, I will have to talk to you tomorrow.
(6:55) Aw. FUCK
(6:57) Talk to you tomorrow, though!
(6:54) Sorry I took your phone. :(
(6:55) Did Arthur tell you to say this?
(6:55) Yes.
(6:56) Tell Arthur I accept his apology.
Wednesday, P.M
(5:33) MY BELOVED BIRDIE
(5:35) MY BELOVED GIL
(5:35) MY HONEY MUNCHKIN
(5:36) MY MUFFINTOP
(5:37) MY FRESHLY WAXED SURFING BOARD
(5:39) MY FINELY POLISHED BEDSIDE LAMP
(5:49) MY PRISTINE TOILET
(5:50) jesus fucking christ gilbert
(5:51) You were doing so well.
(5:52) So, so well.
(5:52) What do you have to say for yourself?
(5:53) 'Eat me, Im organic.'
(5:54) What.
(5:55) It was Kikus idea and response to our chemistry teacher when he asked us what biological material would most likely say to the consumer who was going to ingest it.
(5:56) And youre right, I was doing well.
(5:57) I was tempted to make a comment when you said you had thrown up the other day but I prevailed.
(5:58) I'm mildly proud of you.
(5:59) Tell this to Francis and Toni. I'm sure they'll be proud too. You deserve a gold star.
(5:59) Hell yeah I will.
(6:00) Birdie says I deserve a gold star.
(6:01) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
(6:01) Fucking CHRIST Toni
(6:02) You know whats lets not do that.
(6:02) …? Okay, then.
(6:03) So, Birdie.
(6:04) I was thinking…
(6:05) For the costume thing, next Friday? Why dont we go as like
(6:05) Matching costumes?
(6:06) That sounds interesting. What do you want to go as?
(6:07) Idk but something awesome. The awesome me must be awesome this Halloween, as I always am.
(6:07) The important thing is that you believe that.
(6:08) Whatever ANYWAYS I know Roddy is going to be going as Mozart (again) and Toni is going as a tomato (again) but that's all I know.
(6:08) Any ideas?
(6:09) How about….
(6:10) Astronauts?
(6:11) The fuck. No.
(6:11) You know we could go as something totally cool, right?
(6:12) I know how to sew so I could try and stuff.
(6:13) Where'd you learn how to sew?
(6:14) I saw Feli making cosplay for Kiku once and he taught me a thing or two.
(6:15) I can cross-stitch now you know.
(6:16) ...Right.
(6:17) I already know what I sort of want to be but if we're doing matching costumes idk man.
(6:18) Who do you want to be?
(6:18) -bass drop-
(6:19) HERCULES MULLLIGAAAAN
(6:19) HERCULES MULLIGAAAAAAAAAAN
(6:20) A TAILOR SPYIN' ON THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT
(6:21) I TAKE THEIR MEASUREMENTS, INFORMATION, THEN SMUGGLE IT
(6:21) UP
(6:22) TO MY BROTHERS REVOLUTIONARY COVENANT
(6:23) holySHIT YOU LIKE HAMILTON TOO?
(6:24) HELL YEAH BIRDIE THATS SOME GOOD SHIT RIGHT THERE
(6:25) Al and I love Hamilton.
(6:27) Al really loves it though.
(6:27) He has every single line and song memorized.
(6:28) It's actually kind of scary.
(6:29) So that's who you want to be? Hercules Mulligan?
(6:30) I mean I do but also I was thinking if we wanted to do the matching couples thing we could go as Hamilton and Laurens.
(6:31) I don't know, we don't have to. I think Hercules Mulligan suits you.
(6:32) I know Franny wants to be Lafayette
(6:33) Would you be chill be going as Hamilton?
(6:34) Sure, that's fine!
(6:35) Well, if Im going to be making us costumes, Im going to need to take your measurements.
(6:36) And take all my information and smuggle it?
(6:37) Hahahahahahaha no.
(6:38) Maybe. Who knows?
(6:38) Want to meet tomorrow? Its probably gonna take a while to make our costumes. Im already halfway done with mine because Ive actually been making mine since August but Ive been too busy to finish it. Franny made his already.
(6:39) Sure. Should I come over to your school?
(6:40) And risk you getting impaled on the school fence? Nah, Ill be there at seven.
(6:41) Alrighty then. See you tomorrow!
(6:44) Guys Im totally going over to Birdies house tomorrow so pls dont wreck my stuff
(6:45) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
(6:45) DAMN IT FRANNY NOT YOU TOO
THURSDAY
"Gooooood evening!" Marie shouted cheerfully as she threw open the door, looking like the epitome of sunshine. It was easy to see where her sons got it from. "How may I help you today?"
"Ah, I'm here to see Bir-Matthew, I mean."
Marie winked at him, before dragging the albino boy in by his scarf, an unreadable look on her face.
"Hello, Gilbert!" She said cheerfully in that strangely childish voice of hers, "I hope you're not having any trouble with my sons?"
"No ma'am," Gilbert said, his hands snapping to his sides and his back straightening on instinct. This was the kind of woman who…
"Because if I hear you are," Marie leaned in close to him, her eyes full of a sparking emotion he couldn't decipher, "I WILL cut your dick off. DO YOU HEAR ME, SECOND LIEUTENANT?"
"YES MA'AM, I HEAR YOU, LOUD AND CLEAR."
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I WILL CUT OFF YOUR DICK IF I HEAR ANY DISRESPECTFUL ACTS FROM YOUR PART, BEILSCHMIDT?"
"YES, COLONEL JONES, MA'AM." Gilbert shouted.
"I WOULD BE HAPPY TO WELCOME YOU AS FIRST LIEUTENANT ONE DAY, MAGGOT. MAYBE EVEN CAPTAIN ONE DAY." Marie sprayed his face with spit, and for a brief second, Gilbert felt true fear.
"YES, COLONEL JONES."
"Great!" Marie said cheerfully, "And that's Major General Jones to you, by the way."
Gilbert nodded rapidly, before turning away and rushing towards the living room to head towards the stairs. In the living room, Alfred and Arthur were sitting, both playing a game of Monopoly.
"You're cheating, Artie."
"I'm not."
"You have both Park Place and Boardwalk. That's called cheating."
"No, that's just called 'being better'." Arthur sighed, rolling the die and landing a five.
Gilbert hoped to slip past without either noticing him-Though he'd met him once, he was pretty chill with Arthur, but Alfred was a different story-but before he could reach the stairs, a pair of ocean-blue eyes were looking up at him through rectangular shaped glasses.
"Hi," Alfred said in a sickeningly pleasant voice. Gilbert only waved awkwardly in response, trying to be polite….Sort of.
"Good evening," Arthur said, crossing one leg over the other and balancing his chin in his palm, staring boredly at the board in front of them.
"'Sup," Was all Gilbert said, before rushing upstairs. Just as he suspected, Matthew was in his room, lying on his bed and flipping through a book with disinterest.
"HELLO, MY BEAUTIFUL BIRDIE!" Gilbert shouted, throwing himself into the room and nearly pouncing on top of the blond.
"Hey, Gil," Matthew smiled, and fuck, Gilbert had nearly forgotten how cute that little smile and curl and those glasses of his were-
"I'm not gay," Gilbert rushed his voice out as his thoughts began stranding into "holy shit he's adorable" territory again. Last time that happened, he could hardly string two sentences together. Matthew raised both his eyebrows.
"I hope you are, or this will get awkward," Matthew said, and Gilbert gave out a loud laugh.
"I'm kidding, Birdie. My awesome self feels all of the homo for you. All of it. But the homo will have to wait a little bit. I need to take your torso, shoulder, and waist measurements. Also some other stuff."
"Not dick measurements, I hope," Said Jack as he passed by the room's open door.
"Oh yeah, your mom threatened to cut my dick off," Gilbert said fondly, recalling his terrifying experience downstairs. Matthew nodded.
"Yep, I heard. When a relationship looks like it's going to be serious, she pulls up her old Major General days of screaming into lesser ranking soldiers' faces."
"Did she do that to Arthur, too?"
"Yep. I've never seen a man with piercings and dyed hair look so ready to piss his pants."
Gilbert laughed as Matthew stood up, and Gilbert pulled his tape measurer from his coat pocket, which he hadn't taken off upon entering the house.
"Do you have a piece of paper, or-?"
"Right there," Matthew said, nodding towards his desk. Gilbert leaned forward, ripping a piece of paper from the open notebook, taking a pencil from the small cup that contained many different writing utensils.
"Arms up," Gilbert commanded, and began to work.
Matthew expected this to go on for quite a while, but to his luck and relief, Gilbert was over in a matter of minutes.
"Great," Gilbert said after jotting down the numbers, "I'm good to go. Better start now so it's ready before the party, in case I need to fix anything."
"Thanks, Gil," Matthew smiled, and for a second, both boys drawn to their full heights, they stared at each other. Indigo-colored staring into shining red tinged with violet. Both snowy-skinned. And both leaning in close…
"COCKBLOCK TWIN ALERT!" A voice screamed, and something suddenly hit Gilbert on the back of his head. Looking behind him, Gilbert saw that Alfred was standing there with several pillows in his hand.
"Al, what are you doing?" Matthew sighed, and, to Gilbert's disappointment, took a few steps away from him.
"Artie and I were going to be build a pillow fort when I saw this happening," Alfred said, giving Gilbert a look he couldn't quite read. Arthur stood behind the taller American boy, rolling his eyes.
"Alfred was going to build a pillow fort. I was going to sit on top of the pillows and complain."
"Oh, really?" Alfred dropped his pillows, a wide and energetic smile overtaking his face, "TICKLE ATTACK!"
"NO!" Arthur screeched, turning on his heel and tearing down the hallway, only to trip on the hallway rug and nearly fall down the stairs. The two boys heard distant thudding sounds, Arthur shrieking while also trying not to laugh, and the sound of Jack yelping, followed by the tinkling of breaking china.
"I'm gonna…" Gilbert cautiously stepped out of Matthew's room. "Go now. And get started. Before something bad happens."
"The worst that could happen is that Arthur could set the kitchen on fire again," Matthew said with a shrug. Gilbert didn't know how to respond to this.
Friday, P.M
(12:29) Sup.
(12:49) Hi this is Matthew's twin brother! The person you are reaching is currently out of use. Please don't call or text again!
(12:53) GOD DAM NIT
(12:54) Kidding. But aren't you in class right now?
(12:55) When has that stopped me? I mean, honestly?
(12:56) Never. Which is bad. Education is important, Gilbert.
(12:57) Suck my ass, Matthew.
(12:58) ;)
(12:58) HEY YO U FUCK THE PERV ERT ED WIN KY SMILEY FA cE WAS MY TH ING
(12:59) ;)
(1:01) I HATE YOU
(1:02) Well, why don't you wait until after your classes until you text me?
(1:03) Cant. Im making our costumes, remember?
(1:04) Well you better focus and finish, Gilly boy, because education is important.
(1:05) Did you just call me Gilly boy
(1:06) FAREWELL