Emma looked carefully at Logan as he explained the mission. Laura was in the bathroom, brushing her teeth. When she came back, Emma would have the unenviable task of helping Logan explain that he was going to be gone for the next week possibly fighting the man who'd experimented on her while looking for her mother.
She picked at her nails in the empty bedroom. Amanda and Megan had been kind enough to leave the room while they talked. They'd been very understanding of the whole situation, but she supposed they had their own fish to fry too. With Kurt's near-fatal injury, and the sudden revelation of who his mother was, Amanda truly did have a full plate.
"No chance they'll let me go with you, is there?" asked Emma.
"No," Logan said, "Emma, gotta tell ya, you're still not in good shape for this kinda thing."
She nodded and stopped picking at her nails. She turned over her hand, staring at the still-thin fingers, the way her flesh and skin clung fearfully to her bones. Six months had passed since she'd been freed from Essex's clutches, but after years of malnutrition and little exercise, she still hadn't recovered.
Even though she desperately wanted to help, she was practical. Her powers could only compensate for so much. It appeared that, as a final parting gift, Essex had taken away her ability to truly be useful in the search for her sister.
Emma clutched her fingers together as a thought struck her.
"Jean doesn't get to go, does she?"
The question seemed to startle Logan.
"Because I don't trust her to go rummaging around in Kayla's head," said Emma, "If you need someone to do that, get the Professor."
"Kid, calm down," Logan said, putting out his hand, "Coupla things wrong with that. We don't even...we don't even know if Kayla's gonna be there for starters."
He sounded reluctant, and Emma gave him a look. Kayla was Essex's prize now, an fighter he had full control over. She was loved and treasured by two of his enemies, the ones who held a child he still believed belonged to him.
"The other thing," he said, "What she's got goin on isn't in her head as much as it's happenin on a chemical level. And Jean's not comin."
Emma relaxed, letting out a long breath.
"But it kinda worries me how much you hate her," Logan said.
She snorted.
"Don't tell me you buy her innocent act," she said.
"Hafta admit, if it's an act, it's a good one," he replied, "And she's the one who started settin my mind to right. So yeah, I kinda think she's a good kid."
Emma looked away. While Logan had explained what had happened back in Canada, it had only given her a moment's thought about Jean. So she'd done what any halfway-decent person would do. Big deal. It wasn't what Jean did when she was feeling generous that had Emma wary of her.
"But that might change if ya tell me why ya got all this hate," he said.
Almost instinctively, her nails dug into the blanket. His eyes flickered down to her hands, watching, but not commenting. It was almost annoying, how much care he tried to take of her. She wasn't someone who needed to be taken care of. Just because he was the one who, by chance and mutation, was the one who would bring her sister home, that didn't mean he was her babysitter.
She rolled her eyes.
"When the X-men came to Muir Island, Essex made me use a machine and attack them," she said, deciding to get it over with, "I got in Scott's head, and I saw...some things. But even through the pain, he managed to convince me to take a risk and help them."
Her mind went back to that day and she had to suppress a shudder.
"But Jean didn't get the memo, or wasn't looking at my mind, or whatever, and she lashed out," said Emma, "The Professor stopped it once he realized what had happened."
She shook her head.
"Might've been the most painful thing I've ever experienced," she said.
"The most painful thing you've ever experienced?" asked Logan.
His tone wasn't disbelieving, but it had all the essence of a clarifying question. She crossed her arms and looked away. Not even being Laura's father gave him the right to pry into her life like this, and certainly not that particular day.
"I get it."
She looked up at him, her eyes narrowed.
"You don't need to do this," she said, "This whole 'I understand you' thing. I know what you're going to say: it was an accident and I shouldn't hate Jean for what happened, or whatever bullshit you feel the need to sprout."
He cocked his head.
"Kid, do ya know I killed my first man when I was ten?" he asked, "Wasn't even sure that was what I wanted ta do at the time, but he'd just killed my father. At least...thought he was my father. Some things are still fuzzy round the edges, but that I goddamn remember."
The almost toneless way he said it made Emma pause. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigar. His hands were steady when he struck the match.
"Next few years were spent running," Logan said, "I know ya know I'm older than I look. Fought in the Civil War, Union. Ever seen what bayonets do ta someone? Not swords or knives, but bayonets. And they kept those things for the next coupla wars. I've seen men blown apart, torn to pieces, gassed, tortured. I was there in Nagasaki when they dropped the atomic bomb. Saw skin slide right off from the burns."
He stopped for a moment, putting the cigar in his mouth for a deep drag. Emma stared at him, feeling a little disconnected. She wanted to tell him to continue. She wanted to tell him to stop. She wanted to know why he was telling her all of this. Emma couldn't remember what she'd said or done to warrant such personal confessions.
What she did do was send a slight mental nudge to Laura to maybe stay in the bathroom a little longer. She'd seen and heard much for a child her age, but it was probably good to shield her from anything more. Her father didn't seem to be showing any signs of slowing.
"Then, not that long ago, I thought I saw your sister murdered by my brother. That was...unlike anything I'd ever experienced," he said, "And then they tore apart my bones and put metal in. Felt like I was being picked apart, inch by inch with goddamn tweezers. And there comes a point..."
For the first time, she thought she saw the cigar twitch in his hand.
"...a point where, no matter how much you hate them, no matter how much you wanna live, the pain becomes more than you can bear," he said, "You fight for so long and so damn hard, and then some bastard finds your limit and pushes you past it. Then, suddenly, maybe only for a second, you wanna die."
The world stopped. Emma felt an odd tingling sensation race from her wrists up to her forearms.
"And ya can't forgive that person, because they made you want what ya swore ya'd never want," Logan said, "Doesn't even matter if they did it by accident in a way, because that's not what it's about. It's what they made ya feel. You lost the fight. You broke."
The sensation was in her face now, building up slowly but surely behind her eyes.
"And ya can't talk about it, because who the hell would get that?" he said, "Not Chuck, not even his wife probably. Not most o the nerds here. Maybe Mags, but damned if he's the kind ya can talk to."
He brought the cigar to his lips again, and let out a long breath of smoke.
"But ya just keep making yourself strong, because ya hafta," he said, "Someone said recenlty it's because ya need ta, because so much shit happened. If you don't build these walls, don't dig the trench and put up the goddamn barbed wire, you're not gonna make it. Ya needed a core of ice ta get through it all, ta come out alive, be as strong and tough as ya need ta be."
Her jaw was tightening as the strength went out of the rest of her.
"I know from experience, that it can turn ya into an animal," he said, "Your sister showed me a different way, a way I'd almost forgotten til I found out I still had more ta lose. Because I can't be an animal. Laura doesn't need that. You don't need that. Now that there's a chance I can get Kayla back, I'm not riskin her either. You're all family, and ya might not want me for a brother Emma, but that doesn't mean I can't care. Doesn't mean I want ta see somethin happen ta ya."
Her whole body felt on the verge of shaking now.
"You two...you and Kayla," she managed, "You're not...you're not married. I'm not your anything. We're not-"
He snorted, a peculiar mixture between a scoff and a laugh.
"Somethin ya gotta know," he said, "Even if there comes a day when she doesn't want me, I know that as long as I can remember the way her eyes ignite, there's never gonna be another woman for me. I'm not married to her kid, but I might as well be for all the ability I have ta want another woman."
Logan took another puff of his cigar.
"Whether or not ya wanna call me your brother, and I don't blame ya if ya don't, that makes you some kinda family ta me," he said.
She looked down and, for the first time in a while, felt a measure of guilt. How many times had Logan taken Laura out to do something she thought of as dangerous or sub par? How many times had she scoffed at his lack of finesse when it came to fathering Laura, when he swore in front of her?
How long had she gone without ever seeing how he related to her, even when he'd told her he cared the first night they met?
"I'm sorry," she said.
The words were like pulling teeth, but the pain seemed a little more bearable afterward. The smell of cigar smoke drifted closer to her, and she realized Logan had sat beside her. Almost tentatively, he put a hand on her shoulder.
"Don't be," he said, "When it comes down to it, I'm just some stranger ta ya, aren't I?"
"Not at this point," said Emma, "Not after everything you've done, for me, for Laura. For all of us really."
She looked up at him. The cigar was in his other hand, and he was giving her a frank, although slightly lost, look. Emma thought of her life for the past few months, the past few years. Then there was her sister, forced to fight for people and causes she despised. During what must have been hell for Kayla, there had been Logan, a confidante, comrade, lover.
She thought of Laura, who once thought shots in the eye were common, and she was a baby for thinking they hurt. The very fact she was a clone meant she'd already been denied many normal experiences. She was built from the stolen DNA of a determined, beautiful woman and a man with blood on his hands and rips in his soul.
"Our family's kinda screwed up, isn't it?" she said.
Logan let out a barking laugh. She didn't join him.
"Course we are," he said, "Doesn't mean the pieces don't fit though. I need Kayla and Laura, and they both need ya, which means I need ya too."
Emma moved her hand so it was touching the hand on her shoulder.
"Bring Kayla home," she said, "But bring yourself home too."
He nodded shortly.
"Course," he said, "You'd all be pissed otherwise."
This time, she did laugh, but it was weak. She was feeling too much for more.