CHAPTER 21: HESITATE

"Isabela!" There was no answer from Valerie's call. The woman huffed and tried to fix the dress on her own before yelling around the corner for the pirate woman. She tapped an impatient foot crossing her arms. She threw her head back and groaned trying to hold her dress closed.

She silently cursed Garrett's mother for deciding to throw a random party at this point in time. The dress she had been given would have fit a few months ago, before she found out that she carried the bastard child of a certain elf.

Valerie uncrossed her arms and placed a hand on her swelling stomach. She turned and looked in the mirror across from her. It wasn't to noticeable, but it was there. She studied her reflection intently until another figured stepped in behind her. "About time, I've been calling you for five minutes."

Isabela waved her hand blowing the statement off. Valerie lowered her arms and her shoulders slumped as she looked to her friend in disgust. The pirate woman gave an impish grin and turned the smaller woman around.

"Wow, how big have those things gotten? Looks to me like the lace is about to rip open, spilling out such a-." Isabela stopped her rant mid-sentence at the growl from the smaller woman. Then gave a low chuckle with eyes full of building mirth.

Valerie looked over her shoulder muttering. "No shit, why do you think I was calling you." She turned again to see the pirate break into a grin. With a light tug she miraculously managed to tie off the end sloppily. Isabela looked over her work tilting her head side to side placing a finger to her chin.

Valerie rolled her eyes suppressing another groan. There was no way the other woman was thinking that hard. Without the pirates say so, Valerie walked away to find her favorite ribbon to tie her hair back. Isabela flopped into the nearest chair mumbling the entire time about her being such a prude while pregnant.

"What are you looking for?" She asked as the prude in question had taken to taring her room apart. Her answer didn't come back immediately causing her eyebrows to vanish under her bandana.

Valerie huffed and began throwing back the covers of her bed and picking up the pillows. Those too were thrown in a random direction until all of them lay scattered on the floor. Valerie stood with her hands on her hips biting her lip trying to figure out where her ribbon was. Isabela watched with a light grin as the younger woman paced around her room looking frantically for something.

Once she finally gave up Valerie dug through her dresser again finding a smaller band to hold her hair out of the way. "Aren't you going to change?" She asked sitting on the edge of her bed. Isabela didn't answer and just shrugged a shoulder. If she felt like it she would, otherwise she would just go as is.

After what felt like forever, the two women dispersed to go downstairs in their own time. Valerie peeked over the edge of the stairs to see the many people who had decided to show up. Some she recognised as being neighbours, others she didn't and she could see the tops of the people's heads she'd become friends with over the last few years.

She leaned on the railing listening to the sounds of the violin and piano playing off somewhere she couldn't see before a gentle voice spoke up.

"It would be a shame if such a beautiful lady went without escort." Valerie snorted as she looked to Anders. "I was being serious." He pouted trying his hardest not to smile. She just shook her head as he offered his arm.

"Everyone's here huh?" They reached the bottom of the stairs before Anders nodded his head in confirmation. Garrett had obviously not wanted to be here, and so invited all of his friends to 'save' him.

"Garrett's furious, but he's hiding it well." Anders gave a little chuckle hoping not to be heard by the man in question. They looked around the big room to finally spot the mother and son standing some ways off talking to a pair neither could recognize. From the looks of things it was a father and daughter.

"Wonder how long before his head explodes?" She bit her lip trying not to break out into laughter at the site. He was holding it back fairly well, for him, and not turning red in the face with anger. From his stance though he just looked absolutely bored and irritated. He didn't need his mother to fix him up a marriage. She was persistent in her escapade, and wouldn't take no as an answer for her party.

He didn't need some pretty dolled up noble girl to stand by him batting her pretty little eyelashes, and speaking with a meek little voice. Everyone knew he would never go for some rich mans little girl. His life was much to hectic to allow a dainty little wallflower to stand by him and pass out at the first sight of blood.

The two looked to each other and couldn't help but burst out into laughter. Anders drug the two of them off to the side before the other mage could catch them laughing at his expense. It took several minutes before either could catch their breath enough to stop. Valerie coughed lightly wiping away the tears from her eyes. A few people standing near by gave the pair strange looks and walked off. In turn causing them to break out into a whole new fit of chuckles.

"What are we laughing for?" Anders asked trying to calm himself down. The dark part of his mind berating him for losing his focus.

Valerie shook her head clearing her throat. "I don't know." From the other end of the house they could hear Garrett's voice booming over the loud crowd. It got quiet long enough for them to hear Leandra's voice, smaller, but reprehending him for shouting. "Shit busted." Valerie snorted giving Anders a little shove.

"You're going to make me face him alone?" Valerie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

"He did call for just you... well scream..." She added quietly.

Anders took in a deep breath and began walking away. "No matter. I shall take the full force of his wrath." He turned around before he disappeared into the crowd. "If I don't make it back in ten minutes... send for Varric."

"Oh just go you big coward." She shooed him off leaning against the wall. She pulled her shawl up over her shoulders as she left the warm people packed room and stood on the surprisingly empty balcony. In the distance she could see the flickering of lights in other buildings. They all had to be empty save for servants. The entire population of High Town felt like it had managed to sardine itself into the Estate.

The light murmurs of the people inside filtered out into the night, and the music danced a tone under them. She closed her eyes trying to tune out the voices and just hear the music. Only when she could hear the sound of foot steps did she reopen her eyes and was bombarded with the previously ignored sounds did she turn.

She was ready to return inside, but when the other person stopped so did she. Both herself and Fenris stared at the other ready to bolt in the other direction. Fenris was first to recollect himself and clear his throat. He shifted around on his bare feet and stood some distance from Valerie. She just stared at him mildly becoming peeved.

She leaned back on the balcony, she didn't have to leave just because he was here. She had gotten there first after all. The fact though that he had nothing at all to say began grating even farther on her nerves.

"You look well." She almost had missed his statement.

Turning she gave him a dumbfounded. "Huh?" Fenris didn't respond, he knew she had heard him or at least got the basic of what he'd said.

x-x-x-x-x-x

I'm not sure exactly what I feel right now. I can't figure out what emotion to throw at him, and yet can't help but feel content that he's standing just a few feet away.

I opened my mouth several times, but nothing came out. After what felt like hours of mumbling over my own sentence I finally managed to get started. "Theres... something I need to say." I tried to hold my head up, but I could only look away. Why the hell am I so ashamed? It's not like it was entirely my fault to begin with, was it?

I don't know anymore...

He needed to at least know of the child I carried inside of me. One of my hands rubbed nervously over the cloth covering my stomach. Suppressing another groan I tried to take a deep breath, hopefully to calm myself. It didn't help. He waited quietly standing in his spot, I know his eyes are trained on me waiting for me to spill forth possibly the biggest secret I've ever held.

I can feel them just boring into my head, pressuring me to sputter out what I needed to say. He had a right to know.

"Is this about..." He cleared his throat and shuffled around on his feet. He only stopped to tap his bare hands against the cool stone of the balcony. I picked at it myself trying to figure out just where to begin. "It is, isn't it?"

I blew out a loud and rather unladylike 'piff', and hung my head. "I think I've gone over this a million times with myself. I'm not... I can't... I don't know."

"I do not understand?"

I clenched my teeth, why was I being such a coward. Probably because I don't know how he's going to react, or because I don't know how I will react to his reaction. Dear God my head hurts so badly. I just wish all these people would leave already. Haven't they been here long enough, Ugh!

"I guess I'm just scared." I somehow managed to give a nonchalant shrug as I whispered that out. A part of me wished that he would take me into his arms again, hold me close and tell me he was truly sorry, that he would never leave me again. Another wanted him to just leave and stay gone, that he couldn't be trusted.

He would only end up breaking my heart again.

"Know what, never mind. I'm just... being stupid." My voice cracked as I sobbed out that short sentence. Damn hormones are driving me crazy. Reality is such a bitch sometimes.

Reality comes, and when it does it crashes down around you like nothing you've ever seen or felt before. There was nothing I could do to get out of this situation, I'm stuck in this place for the rest of my life. There's no hope of getting back to my world, way of life; my family.

I screw my eyes shut hunching over trying to keep my stomach where it needs to be. I know everyday wouldn't be like this, but the hurt is here now. And in this moment, it's more I can take. I would give up everything for this pain to be taken away.

Fenris moved to stand closer, placing his arm around my shoulders. The movement was reluctant but his grip was strong. My heart felt empty like my mind for a few seconds. He gave a slightly muffled sound of surprise when I shrugged my shoulder from his hand.

I backed away toward the doorway. No matter how much I wanted him, I couldn't let myself.

Time felt strange, the sounds from the party were so distorted in my ears I couldn't make out what was going on. Fenris' hand was still held out in front of him as my own touched the edge of the open door.

I ran.

From him, myself. From life.

That I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate
Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate - hesitate

You were my fire, so I burned... now there's nothing left of me...

Hesitate- Stone Sour

x-x-x-x-x-x

~Extra~

"Valerie, this is Sebastian Vael." Garrett said with a tilt of his head. The man behind him fidgeted with the strap of his quiver as he glanced around the room feeling uncomfortable. He jumped slightly to attention upon hearing his name and cleared his throat.

"My lady it is an honour to finally meet you." He gave a slight bow.

Valerie quirked an eyebrow up at the man, even in this world he seemed much more of the chivalrous knight. Even down to the way he dressed; She took a quick glance at the face on his armor and suppressed a chuckle, well at least he did for the most part.

"Hey." She gave a half hearted wave causing the prince to feel even more awkward. "So how long have you known Garrett?"

"We've met a few times over the last two years." He stepped out of the way of an elf carrying a heavy tray of food and drinks.

"I see."

"Kitten, wrap it up. You don't want to keep everyone waiting now do you?" Varric winked giving her a nudge from behind with something other than Bianca in his hands.

"Oh right, well good to meet you." The room suddenly began to fill with music from a piano. Varric wandered off to join the person playing and joined in plucking on the strings of his own instrument. All that they missed by this point were the vocals.

"I would like to talk with you again later." He gave another slight bow of his head and joined Garrett at the same table with Anders, Isabela and Merrill.

As soon as Valerie reached the stage and opened her mouth a loud hoot and whistle came from in the crowd. She shook her head watching Garrett forcefully shove the now standing Isabela back into her seat. Merrill bounced in her own seat clapping her hands in front of her face quickly as she squirmed around.

"Oh so exciting!" She chirped happily and causing Garrett to slump back into his chair covering what wasn't hidden of his mouth with a hand resting his arms against the arm rests of the chair. After the brief interruption Valerie started once more.

Fenris pushed the door open to the Blooming Rose keeping himself hidden behind the lavishly decorated wood. He picked his way through the people left standing to hide himself behind a column. If it hadn't been for Merrill just the day before excitedly chirping on about this he never would have thought to come at this time and place. Apparently he wasn't invited.

He rubbed at the blue ribbon wrapped around his wrist and looked down at the piece of cloth. He remembered taking it without asking, it was only on a whim that he picked up the fabric and stuffed it into his armor.

At one point after a few songs they began to change from sad and slow to something completely different. That caused him to break his stare with the ribbon to look around the room. He found the tables with the group sitting close together by where Valerie sang. The difference in her tone and even the words uttered from her lips caused people to look between each other and shrug silently as they listened.

The man on the piano stuttered for a moment trying to keep up with the strange tempo, but Varric kept up without falter once. It was obvious he had practised more before hand than the other person. He looked away again at the floor past his now folded arms as the music slowed back down to a less strange beat.

He tapped a finger against his arm mumbling over words quietly to himself before he began to pace in the shadows. "Valerie, I'm sorry for what I had done, please forgive me..." He growled under his breath trying to keep his voice down so he could hopefully remain undetected. "No that will not work."

"What are you doing here..." Fenris turned to see Anders standing behind him. How long he had been there Fenris couldn't be sure. Both men glared at each other before Anders spoke again. "I think it's time you left." He decided to leave off the portion where Fenris wasn't invited. "Just go before anyone else sees you."

"I only came to see how she was doing. Nothing more." He couldn't be sure if he was even going to try to approach her again or not. After seeing the hollow look in her eyes just a few nights before he didn't think he could work up the nerve to try to speak to her again. Both men suddenly turned their attention back to the woman in question, Isabela had jumped on stage beside her and began to dance seductively to the music in a very off way. The pirate reached forward and pulled Merrill onto the stage with them, the mage just stood there not understanding what she should be doing.

Some people chuckled to themselves while others gave whistles and shouts to the pirate as she resumed her dancing. Apparently she was about to turn it into another show entirely if Garrett and Sebastian hadn't pulled her back into her seat. Merrill jumped back down trying to hide her reddening face from everyone behind her scarf as she sat back down.

After Garrett glared at Isabela he turned a much softer look to Merrill and tried to smile through his annoyance. The woman just continued to blush and look at her toes.

When Anders turned back he found the elf warrior gone. He glanced around the room trying to find where he had vanished to, but couldn't find him anywhere.

"How about a round of applause for this talented lady!" Anders turned back as Varric shouted next to an out of breath singer. With a slight smile Anders walked over and picked Valerie up off the stage giving her a hug. She laughed as people began clapping and demanding just one more song.

"You did great." Anders pulled away to give her room to breathe.

"I haven't done that in ages." He ruffled her hair and released her as Merrill came to take his place, and he looked up at the doors. People began crowding around Valerie making loud chatter, trying to talk over each other. It was only a momentary glance that Anders caught of Fenris, and his cast down eyes. Other than Anders himself no one noticed the lonely elf open the door, and start to turn his head but only shake it and leave quietly the same way he came.

For that moment he felt pity for Fenris. In the back of his mind he thought, maybe he had him figured out all wrong. He knew that even though they were so different, they were so alike in their loneliness.

Anders wondered what it would have been like if he at least tried to be a friend to the elf.