Author's Notes: Thank you for all the support I've received through reviews, favs and follows. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I think you will be surprised with the direction the story takes.
Jane allows his raw emotions to show through with his statement. The fear and confusion are written on his face. Lisbon almost gasps at the depth of the anguish she sees. She moves to sit nearer to him. she places her hand on top of his.
"In what way Jane?"
Jane looks at her. The feel of her hand on his brings warmth and comfort. It brings with it the assurance of stability, foundation and friendship. Without realising that he's made the decision, he trusts her with everything that's going on in his head.
"I never expected to be in this position. I didn't expect a life after Red John."
"You expected to be dead or in prison?"
Jane nods.
"Yes, though, it was always my intention to have a plan that wouldn't end either of those ways. I just didn't expect it to be successful and I never gave myself the hope. I didn't want it."
Lisbon is not unsurprised by this. It's not an unusual problem with people who have lost their life's purpose. She's been to a few scenes of people who haven't found the answers. Fear grips her. She has to help Jane, his life is in as much danger now as when Red John was alive.
"I, for one, am very happy that you were proven wrong for once."
Jane gives her a slight smile. Lisbon leans closer to him.
"We can work this out together. I will support you in whatever it is you decide to do."
Lisbon sees a shadow pass over Jane's face.
"What is it? There's more?"
"I..I...I have been filled with revenge for 11 years. It's been my purpose for getting up in the morning. It has driven my every action and decision. Now it's gone and I find that that's all I was."
"That's not true Jane."
"I don't know how to act. I have no base line with which to make decisions. The only decision I seem to be able to make, is what flavour of tea to drink. I can't even decide what clothes to wear. I just know I don't belong in my suits any more."
"You've have a job, you have friends."
"Given to me by my revenge. The way I've conducted that job was determined by my quest. My recklessness with people's lives, feelings and my own life. My interactions with colleagues and friend were influenced by it. Even my relationship with you. It's all been about, not getting too close, not having to worry or care about anyone or anything. Making sure that people don't get in the way or are put in danger. I've lived as a transient, no roots, no belongings. How can I determine what I want to do with my life, when I'm nothing. I'm not the con man in shining suits, I'm not the three-piece avenger.."
Lisbon can't hold in a chuckle. Jane looks at her and shrugs apologetically and shares a smile.
"It seems so cliche to declare that I don't know who am I, but that's the way I feel. I was someone and that person was destroyed and I found another way to be and now that person is gone too. Who do I be now?"
"Revenge wasn't all you were. You were also funny, kind, annoying, found enjoyment in the simple of things - childlike. You are still those things."
Jane shakes his head.
"I don't feel those things. I'm always one step ahead of everyone else in the room. I know what everyone is thinking and feeling, even things they don't recognise in themselves. There is a power in that. It puts me in control and it eliminates most surprises. All I see in my head is confusion and darkness. I feel like I'm drowning Lisbon and gasping for air."
Jane looks at her in desperation.
"I know you're probably disappointed in me right now."
"Jane, of course I'm not disappointed in you. You're one of the bravest men I've ever met. You willing put yourself in a very dangerous situation. Hung yourself out there as bait for Red John. Almost inviting him to come get you, to bring him out in the open. You went about your daily life with no protection, doggedly pursuing this notorious serial killer, with no thought to your own safety."
"That doesn't sound brave, it sounds foolhardy."
"The two often go hand in hand. What I'm saying is that there's a strength in you that will find your way back. It just needs time and patience and a little help."
Jane is shaking his head.
"I'm not going back in to hospital, any hospital Lisbon."
Lisbon sees fear in his face. He's never really said that much about his stay in the psychiatric hospital. She only knows that it helped him, but obviously it also holds some terrible memories for him. She rushes to reassure him.
"I wasn't talking about hospitals Jane but you need to talk to someone."
"I'm talking to you."
"I'm not a professional Jane, I don't know if I can help you."
Jane is pleading with her now, panic lacing his words.
"You helped me before. I know you can help me again. I would have to speak it all again, tell them everything.."
An idea strikes Lisbon. Jane can see it in her face.
"What is it?"
"Will you trust me Jane?"
"You mean you're not going to tell me?"
Lisbon stands up.
"I have some things to do, I'll be gone for just a little while."
She grabs her jacket and starts putting it on. Jane stands up and grabs her wrist.
"Lisbon..."
"Just trust me Jane. Have yourself some lunch and watch one of those nature shows you enjoy so much and I'll be back before it's over."
"Lisbon I just poured my heart out to you and you're just going to leave me?"
Lisbon picks up her purse and looks at him, Jane recognises her stubborn, determined look and knows he's not going to win. He lets her arm drop.
"Jane, which do you prefer, to pour out your inner most feeling to a perfect stranger?.
Jane pulls a face.
"...or put your faith in me for a couple of hours?"
In truth Jane's intrigued and is enjoying the excitement radiating from Lisbon.
"You're a mean-spirited women and I can see why you never went into the more gentler professions."
Lisbon's warmed by the tease and knows that this is a small positive step.
"You would do well to always remember that."
Suddenly Jane takes her in a hug.
"Thank you Lisbon, I await your return."
Bertram looks up from the piece of paper he's reading as Lisbon enters the room. He leans back in his chair.
"Back again already."
"Yes sir. I want to put in for an indefinite leave of absence, starting immediately."
Bertram sits forward.
"But you've just come back Agent."
"I know sir, I'm taking Jane away, he needs some time to sort some things out."
"Is he all right? He is coming back?"
"As I said this morning, I don't know that, but, this will be the best chance of him doing that."
"Well you're certainly owed the time."
"Thank you sir."
Lisbon escapes the room before he tries to change her mind. She's sure she's doing the right thing. She thought about it as she was making her way to Bertram's office. Jane being cooped up in her apartment will not help him in his recovery but she can't send him off somewhere by himself. He's still not fully fit and he needs company and she's certain that it's her company he needs. So the only solution is for them to go away together. Maybe as they explore California, or wherever they decide to go, together, he can recover who he is.